Chapter 39
Holland
The warmth of the shower has done practically nothing to ease the pain and aching in my muscles. Practice was absolutely brutal today, and I think I was knocked on my ass more than I was standing vertical.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. My mind is racing, and I feel like there’s a huge weight on my chest. I shouldn’t feel this was since my sister now knows about Lainey and me.
We don’t have to hide anymore. Shouldn’t that make me feel less… I don’t know… stressed?
Except, there’s one thing that’s been heavy on my mind this past week since that whole fiasco.
I said I loved her. I told Ellie that I love Lainey, in front of her, and she hasn’t said anything since. Nothing. We’ve been together every day, and Lainey hasn’t brought it up at all. Sure, I could bring it up. I am the one that said it, after all.
But how can she know this huge thing and just pretend that it never even happened? Does she just not feel the same way? Does she think I only said it to make Ellie stop her freak out? Why wouldn’t she say anything at all?
She has to feel the same way, right? I mean, after everything, there’s no way she doesn’t. Right?
Stepping out of the shower, I grab my towel and wrap it around my waist. I sit on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands, letting out a deep exhale. What the hell am I doing? Why don’t I just ask her how she feels?
For real, dude. Grow a pair; ask the girl if she loves you back.
My phone ringing breaks me out of my thoughts. Grabbing it off the nightstand, I see that it’s my mom. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, so I decide to answer the call.
“Hello?” I say.
“Hi, honey. How are you?” my mom’s sweet voice asks through the speaker.
My mom has always been a sweet, caring woman. She never yells, never fights. When her and my father would get into arguments, she would always be the calmer and more collected one. The one to get to the root of the problem.
“I’m okay. Is everything alright?” I ask, worried that she may be calling for a reason other than to just say hi.
“Yes, darling. Everything is fine. I just wanted to check in on you to see how you were doing. Ellie told me you and Lainey have been spending some time together?” she questions, and I could strangle my sister for telling our mother about my situation with Lainey.
Not that I’m hiding it, but my mother loves to meddle.
“Yes, mother. We have,” is all I give her. I’m not going to get into all the gory details with her right now, especially not over the phone.
“Do you love her?” she asks, and the question hits me in the chest like a ton of bricks.
“Mom…” I begin, not wanting to talk about this.
“Holland,” she says sternly.
Groaning, I decide it’s best to just give her what she wants so the conversation will be over faster.
“Yes,” is all I say.
“Oh, honey. I knew it. I always knew you two would end up together. Does she feel the same?”
I shake my head, because I don’t know. I don’t know if she feels the same because she won’t fucking tell me and it’s infuriating. I hate not knowing how she feels, ever. She keeps everything so bottled up and she’s too afraid to let anyone in. Even me.
“I don’t know” I answer honestly. My mom makes a noise on the other end.
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I mean, she hasn’t told me. I don’t know how she feels,” I explain the best I can.
“You know Lainey. Always so protective of her feelings. She’s never been good at expressing herself. Give her time, love. I know she loves you too,” mom says. How could she possibly know that?
“Mom,” I begin, running a hand through my wet hair. “It’s been weeks, and she still hasn’t told me how she feels. Maybe she just… doesn’t want me the way I want her.”
Mom chuckles lightly. “Oh, baby. Trust me, that girl has been in love with you for years. Just as you have been with her. You two have just been too stubborn and hardheaded to admit it.”
I scoff. “I have not been in love with her for years.”
I haven’t. I know I haven’t because everything she did annoyed me or pissed me off. I never thought of her as anything other than what she was, my sister’s best friend.
“Whatever you say, dear. All I’m saying is give her time. She’ll let you know how she feels when she’s ready to.”
She’s right. I can’t force Lainey to tell me how she feels. It’ll just push her away, and it already feels like she’s pulling away as things get more serious.
“Okay, mom.”
What has happened to me? A couple of months ago I couldn’t even imagine being in love, having a girlfriend, wanting someone to want me just as badly as I want them. Now, all I want is to hear Lainey tell me she loves me too. I’m a little bitch.
I can’t tell the guys about this, especially Mason. I’ll never hear the end of it. Ryker might understand since he was even more against relationships than I was, but I feel like an idiot.
It’s like I’m a completely different person when I’m around her. My guard is down, and I get this weird feeling in my stomach, and my palms get all clammy. I mean, I feel like a little girl with her first crush. This is ridiculous.
But I don’t think I care. Maybe my mom is right. Maybe this has been a long time coming, and it isn’t as sudden as it feels. Maybe I’ve been slowly falling in love with her for years.
“I love you, honey. Talk soon, okay?” Mom says, and I nod.
“I love you too, mom. Talk soon.”
The line goes dead, and I’m left sitting on the edge of my bed, still dripping from my shower, staring at the wall.
That’s the second person to tell me they’ve seen Lainey and I getting together. How many more have assumed this would happen and never said anything?
Does it even matter? I mean, it did happen, sort of. Lainey is mine now, and she knows I’m hers. I don’t think she’s planning on seeing anyone else, I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not looking for anyone else either.
I just need to talk to her, straighten everything out. I need to know what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling. I need her to know that I don’t plan on going anywhere, and if that’s what’s keeping her from telling me how she truly feels then she has nothing to worry about.
She has to know that I would never do anything to hurt her. Sure, we’ve said some hurtful things in the past, but we were always just busting each other’s balls. It never actually meant anything.
But I’d never purposely hurt her. I’d never leave her, not like her-
Her parents. Her parents left her. They left and they’ve only popped in occasionally to check in or have brief interactions with her. Lainey has grown up thinking people just up and leave when they’re done with her. But I’m not them.
There’re two things I know for certain. I’ll never leave her, and I’m definitely fucking screwed if she ends up not feeling the same way because I am one hundred percent in love with her.