Chapter 40
Lainey
Rain drops pound against the roof of the massive campus library as I sit at a large table with my books spread out in front of me. I have a sociology test tomorrow morning that I had completely forgotten about until this morning.
I’ve been so preoccupied lately that I haven’t been able to focus on my schoolwork. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been a straight A student, and I’ve never really cared about my grades. However, I would like to graduate this semester and start looking for jobs.
I was thinking of taking a bit of a break after school ends, maybe travelling or something while I explored all my options. At least, that was my plan until a certain boy came in and screwed it all up.
Never did I imagine I’d have a boyfriend, especially one named Holland Monroe. I fully anticipated being the fun aunt to Gwen and Ellie’s kids. You know, the one that helps them learn how to drive, takes them on fun trips, and teaches them how to live on the wild side occasionally.
Now I’m thinking about a future with this man and how many kids we’ll have and where we’ll end up living. I think we’d move closer to the city, where Gwen and Ryker live so Holland can be more involved in the clubs.
I’d probably find a job as a school psychologist or something. Maybe at the school Gwen teaches at. Who knows.
My phone vibrates against the table and Gwen’s name flashes across the screen. I quickly pick it up and answer it.
“Hello,” I whisper, trying my best to stay quiet. There aren’t many people around me but it’s still a library.
“So, it’s official then? You and Holland?” she asks with a teasing lilt to her tone. I roll my eyes. Of course, Ellie called and told her about the new discovery.
“Yup, I guess so” I reply, not exactly sure where this conversation is going. The last thing Gwen knew was that Holland and I kissed before the wedding.
“Finally. It’s about damn time. Honestly, I thought you two would never figure your shit out. Thanks for the heads up by the way.”
My brows furrow as I rack my brain for what she could possibly be talking about.
“What do you mean?”
“For warning me that Ellie was going to call all pissed off about me knowing before her. She was really upset about it.”
Shaking my head, I rest it on my hand as I stare out the large window and watch the rain fall.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was going to call you,” I apologize. I guess I should call Haley and see how she’s doing considering Ellie must have talked to her too.
Gwen chuckles on the other end. “It’s okay. She’s over it now. Are you happy?” she asks, sounding genuinely interested.
I think about it for a moment. Am I happy? Does Holland make me happy? Even though I’m scared shitless as to what might happen, I think the answer is yes.
A small smile pulls at my lips. “Yeah, I think I am.”
Gwen squeals. “Good. I am so happy you found someone that could break down that wall you built inside yourself. You deserve to be happy, Lane. If Holland makes you happy, then I am so glad you found him.”
My smile grows wider as thoughts of Holland and the past weeks play in my head. Maybe I do deserve to be happy. Maybe this is my time, and I need to fully embrace it. Now that our relationship is all out there, we don’t need to pretend.
I’m still terrified of the outcome. I mean, fairytales don’t exist, right? Noone is happy all of the time, and when things seem too good to be true, they usually are. A part of me doesn’t want to let myself feel this happy, this at peace because I know the world can snatch is away at any moment.
This could all come crashing down and blow up in my face. Holland could realize I’m more than he bargained for and decide that he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore.
What then?
“Lainey?” Gwen’s voice breaks me out of my doom cycle.
“What? Sorry, I-” I’m cut off before I can finish what I was saying by a sopping wet, green eyed God plops down in the seat across from me.
Holland pushes a hand through his wet hair and shakes, water dripping all over my books and papers. He gives me a cheeky grin, and I almost can’t be annoyed with the fact that he got my stuff all wet.
“Hey, Gwenny. I’ll call you back later, I have to go,” I tell Gwen before hanging up the phone and setting it face down on the table. I give Holland a questioning look.
“What the hell? You got my books all wet,” I scold. He chuckles a bit, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. God, he’s so hot.
“I could make other things wet if you’d prefer,” he teases, and my clit pulsates at the thought. I clamp my thighs together to keep myself grounded.
Rolling my eyes, I lean on the table. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see my girl,” Holland says nonchalantly. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that, being his girl.
“I told you; I’m studying. I have a test tomorrow and Professor Nimmens is a hardass.”
Holland moves to lean over the table, landing on my books and inching much closer to me. Our arms touch, and just that small brush of contact makes my hair stand up.
“I’ll put something hard in your ass,” he says, a bit too loudly.
Slapping his arm, I shake my head and try to contain my laughter. He’s like a child. If I laugh, it’ll only make him continue.
“You have to go, you’re too distracting and I need to concentrate,” I tell him sternly, pulling my book toward me and attempting to read the page, but I’m too distracted by the man sitting across from me.
I feel his stare, smell his cologne, sense his presence. It’s making it near to impossible to focus.
“I have to talk to you,” he tells me, and his tone switches from playful to kind of serious. My stomach drops as I think of every possible thing he could say. Is he breaking it off? Is he over it already, over me?
No, he couldn’t be. He just called me his girl; he came to see me. There’s no way it could be anything like that, right?
I take a deep breath through my nose before meeting his gaze.
“About what?” I ask, hoping my voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt.
“Us. You,” he explains. Oh god. This is it, isn’t it? I admitted I was happy and now the universe is about to take it away. I fucking knew it. “It’s not bad,” Holland says, as if he can sense the tension and worry in my body.
“Okay… well can it wait?” I ask, hoping it can because I don’t know if I can handle whatever he’s about to say right now. He shakes his head.
“Not really,” he says, taking a deep breath and looking around the large space. No one is around us, and I’m thanking God for that right now. “The other day… when Ellie caught us, I said something.”
I nod slowly, not understanding where he’s going with this.
He lets out a breath before continuing. “I said I loved you… like, as in, I’m in love you,” he clarifies. Well, that’s not exactly where I thought this was going.
“Oh, that,” is all my stupid brain can think to say.
Holland chuckles lowly. “Yeah, that. You didn’t mention it after that, though.”
He’s right, I didn’t. Part of me didn’t know what to say or even how to bring it up, and the other part was too scared to.
Shrugging, I say, “Yeah… I guess I didn’t know what to say.”
He shifts in his chair, and my nerves feel like they’re on fire.
“Well, I mean, do you?” he inquires, and I know what he’s asking but I don’t know how to answer it because yes, I do think I love him, but I’m terrified to admit it out loud.
“Do I what?” I ask, playing dumb.
“I can’t believe I’m asking this. I feel like a fourteen-year-old girl. But… do you feel the same way?”
Time freezes and my heart feels like it stops in my chest. Every memory, every fight, every kiss, every touch replays in my mind in slow motion and I feel like I want to cry. Can I let myself do this? Can I give so much of myself to another person? Can I trust him to not break me?
“I… I don’t… I have to go,” I stutter in a panic as I scoop up all of my things, toss them in my bag and make a run for it toward the exit.
In my haste, I’d forgotten that it was downpouring, so now I’m soaked and walking home in the rain in the middle of March. Fantastic.
What the hell did I just do? Why couldn’t I give him an answer? Why did I just get up and leave? What the hell is wrong with me?
Holland bursts out the doors of the library and storms toward me, looking confused, hurt, and angry. I turn away and head down the sidewalk, walking as fast as I can, even though I know it’s no use because he’s going to catch up to me. And he does.
He steps in front of me, blocking my way.
“Stop! Lainey, what the fuck?”
The rain pours down around us, and I shiver as a cold breeze passes. Jesus, I should have thought this through.
“What do you want me to say, Holland? That I love you? That I’m in love with you?
That I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing?
That I’m so fucking scared of letting you in and getting my heart crushed?
That I’m terrified you’re going to leave just like…
nevermind,” I yell over the rain before walking around him.
Holland’s hand wraps around my wrist, stopping me from moving.
“Don’t walk away from me, Lainey,” he demands, his voice low and rough. I spin on him, my hair wild and wet around my face.
“Then stop following me!”
We stand inches apart, the years of built-up tension and friction vibrating like a live wire between us.
“You think you can just keep pushing me away every time things get too close!” Holland’s chest rises and falls, the veins in his forearms prominent as his fists clench.
“Why can’t you just be honest with yourself?
Or me? You never actually say what you’re feeling, it’s always a fucking guessing game with you! ”
My laugh cracks sharp and brittle, startling even me. “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t-”
“Don’t what? Don’t know you?” his voice booms. “Lainey, I’ve known you my whole damn life.
I know the way you chew on your pen when you’re about to lie or you’re thinking too hard, I know you’ll pretend you’re fine even when you’re bleeding inside, I know you hate letting people in because your parents fucked you up, and I know you’ve been running from me for years because you’re terrified of what this is. ”
My mouth opens, then closes. I hate how he can see through me, how raw and open I feel standing in front of him with nothing to hide behind.
“This?” I manage, my voice feeling small, despite the frustration I’m feeling inside.
Holland steps closer, so close I have to tip my head back to meet his eyes. His voice drops, rough and ragged.
“Yeah. This. Us. You and me. I get you’re scared, so am I.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone either, and I never thought it was actually possible.
But here I am. I told you how I felt, and you haven’t said a word.
I know, I should wait until you’re ready, and I will.
But you need to give me something. I mean, Jesus, Lainey, I’m in love with you.
I think I have been for a while now. I don’t know when the hell it happened, or even how.
But somehow, some way, I fell in love with you.
You can try to push me away, you can try to deny what you’re feeling, but I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not letting you go,” Holland’s shoulders move up and down as he tries to catch his breath.
Holy hell.