Chapter 41
Lainey
My heart slams against my ribs, my throat burning. Fuck, I want to say it back. But the weight of those words, the permanence, the risk…is it worth it?
“Holland…” my voice breaks. I press my hands to my face, shaking my head. “I don’t…I’ve never-”
He swallows hard, his shoulders tight, every inch of him bracing for the blow.
“Say it. Say you don’t feel the same. Say it, and I guess I’ll walk away. I don’t want to. But if that’s truly what you want, then I will.”
My chest aches, and instead of admitting the one thing I want to say, something else comes out in its place. Something I’ve never admitted to anyone before.
Holland’s eyes search mine, desperate, pleading. My lips part, trembling.
“I’m scared,” I whisper.
The anger and frustration seem to slip from his face, replaced with something softer. He reaches out, slow, almost cautious, and his hand brushes mine where it hangs by my side.
“I know,” he murmurs. “So am I. But we can be scared together, Lainey.”
My hand twitches beneath his, my breath shallow, feeling like every nerve in my body has been set on fire.
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want,” I mumble. God, I sound pathetic. I’ve never felt this vulnerable.
“All I want is you, Barkley. Just give me you,” Holland says, his thumb brushing across my knuckles. His eyes burn into mine, unflinching. “Messy, scared, angry, you. I want all of it.”
The words knock the air out of me. For years, I’ve managed to build all these walls so carefully, convinced that if I let anyone too close, everything I depended on would collapse. But standing here now, the walls feel like paper, crumbling under the weight of his voice.
Tears stroll down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. My chest heaves, a thousand arguments on the tip of my tongue, but none strong enough to push him away. Instead, I step forward, just enough for the space between us to vanish.
I take him in, the emerald green eyes, the wet hair, the small scar above his lip from the time he ran into a pole while playing rugby, the look of pure admiration on his face. Reaching up before I can stop myself, my had caresses his cheek slowly. He leans into my palm, holding my arm in place.
And then I let go. I let go of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the doubt. I let it all go, and my mouth finds his, fierce and clumsy.
Holland groans against my lips, his hands gripping my face like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. My hands fist the front of his shirt, attempting to drag him closer, needing him nearer, needing to feel the reality of him before doubt swallows me again.
The rain continues to pour down around us as the kiss deepens, not sweet but desperate, bruising, like everything we’ve left unsaid is being poured into this one kiss. When we finally break, we’re both gasping for air, my forehead resting against his.
“I love you, too,” I whisper, butterflies taking over my stomach. I can’t believe I just said that, but I don’t even want to take it back. I mean it, I love him.
Holland chuckles softly, moving my wet hair out of my face. “Now was that so damn hard?”
A small smile plays on my lips, and the heaviness of the situation dulls.
“Yes.”
“You’re so damn stubborn,” Holland says, pulling me in for another kiss.
My throat tightens when I pull back, watching him for a response. “I don’t know how to do this.”
Holland pulls back just enough to meet my eyes, his palms still framing my face.
“I don’t either. But we’re going to figure it out, together.”
I nod, agreeing with him. “Is this what love feels like?
“What do you mean?” he asks, brows furrowing.
“Like finally finding the one thing you don’t want to lose?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Holland says before kissing me once again.
A loud crash of thunder breaks the moment, and I jump, startles by the loud, unexpected noise. Holland laughs at my response.
“Wanna get out of here?” he asks, smiling down at me.
“Absolutely,” I tell him, and we run toward the parking lot to his car.
Crashing through the front door, we don’t make it two feet before we’re on each other again. Kissing and touching and dripping water all over the floor after being soaked with rain.
Holland’s hands are in my hair, on my body, grabbing at anything he can, and mine match his. It’s like we’ve never felt one another before, and this is the first time we’re being allowed to do so.
A throat clears and breaks us out of our desperate embrace.
“Oh, hey, Ellie… hey Hal,” I stammer, seeing my friends on the couch and cringing at the fact that they both just watched that. Haley gives a little wave, trying to hold back her laughter. Ellie grimaces.
“Can you guys like, get a room?” she asks, covering her face with a blanket.
I nod. “Yeah, yes. We’ll do that.”
Holland chuckles from beside me. I pull him to my room and shut the door behind us. Not even a second in the room, he grabs my face and pushes me up against the door.
His lips crash against mine, the kiss desperate and hungry. I melt into him, my hands tangling in his hair as I kiss him back with equal fervor. His hands slide down my back, pulling me closer, our bodies pressing together as if to erase any trace of the distance that had once separated us.
The kiss deepens, and my heart pounds in my chest. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. When we finally break apart, we’re both breathless. Holland’s gaze is dark with desire, making me shiver. The mix of being soaked and cold are not helping with the adrenaline coursing through my veins.
The air is thick with anticipation, charged with the promise of what’s to come. The world outside seems to fade away, leaving only the two of us alone in my room. Holland moves to pull my sweatshirt over my head, and I begin to undo his belt.
My sweatshirt lands in a wet heap on the floor, followed by my leggings. My fingers tremble a bit as I reach for his shirt and pull it over his head. Holland’s clothes join mine on the floor.
His eyes rake over me, and this time, I don’t feel so vulnerable. I feel like… like he loves me for me. I’ve never felt that before. Having someone love me for who I am, flaws and all. I never thought that was a real thing.
My breath hitches as he steps closer, his hands sliding down my arms, over my waist, and down to my hips. He pulls me against him, our bodies flush, his erection pressing against my thigh.
“You have no idea what you do to me, Barkley,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against my ear, sending shivers down my spine. His hands move to my breasts, cupping them gently, his thumbs brushing over my nipples, already tight and aching for his touch.
I moan softly, tilting my head back as he kisses his way down my neck, his mouth hot and hungry against my skin.
Reaching for him, my hands roam over his chest, his abs. Holland groans, his head falling back for a moment before he captures my lips once again. Our bodies seem to move in sync as Holland guides me back toward the bed, our lips never parting.
He eases me down onto the mattress, following me down, his weight pressing me into the soft sheets. My legs part for him, inviting him closer as my hands pull him down until our bodies are pressed together, skin against skin.
His mouth trails down my body, kissing and nipping at my collarbone, my breasts. His tongue swirls around my nipples, making me arch into him with a soft cry.
“Holland,” I gasp, my hands threading through his hair, holding him close. “Please.”
He looks down at me, his eyes dark with desire, a small smirk playing on his lips.
“Please what?” he teases, his voice low and rough.
“You know what,” I pant, my hips shifting restlessly against him.
Holland’s smirk widens as he moves lower, his mouth trailing down my stomach, his hands spreading my thighs wider. My breath catches as he kisses the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, his breath ghosting over my core, making me shiver with anticipation.
Then, his mouth is on me, his tongue delving into my wetness, his lips sucking and nipping. Oh lord, if he keeps that up, this will be over before it even starts.
“Oh God, Holland,” I moan, my hands gripping the sheets as my body arches off the bed. His tongue is relentless, his mouth devouring me as his fingers press into my thighs to hold me steady.
My hips buck against him, my cries filling the room as my orgasm builds. I don’t want to come yet, but my body isn’t going to give me the choice. My orgasm washes over me in waves of pleasure, and I can’t help the loud moan that leaves my lips.
Once I catch my breath and my body stops trembling, he finally lifts his head. His eyes are hooded with desire as he moves back up my body, his lips brushing against mine in a soft, tender kiss.
“You’re like, really good at that,” I tell him, and that causes him to chuckle.
“I’m glad you enjoy it,” he says. My eyes wander down his body and stop on his cock.
“I guess I should return the favor,” I whisper, my hands reaching for him, my fingers wrapping around his throbbing cock.
He groans, his head falling back as I stroke him, my touch both gentle and firm. My lips curve into a smirk as I lean down, my mouth closing over the tip of his cock. My tongue swirls around it before I take him deeper, my lips sliding down his length.
Holland’s hands tangle in my hair, his hips bucking slightly as I suck him, my tongue teasing and tormenting. I love the way he reacts to my touch. It’s nice to know I have this kind of power over him.
“Fuck, Lainey,” he groans, his voice thick with need. “You’re going to make me lose it.”
I hum my response, my mouth never stopping its rhythmic movements. Holland’s breath quickens, his body tensing as he seems to fight for control. But I don’t let up, and my mouth and hands work in tandem, driving him closer and closer to the edge.
“Stop,” he gasps, his hands gripping my shoulders to pull me up. “I want to be inside you.”
My eyes meet his, and he looks so needy and desperate for me, it makes my pussy clench.
“Then take me,” I demand.
He doesn’t need to be told twice. Holland positions himself at my entrance, his eyes locking on mine as he thrusts into me, filling me in one slow, deliberate stroke.
I gasp, my nails digging into his shoulders as he seats himself fully within me. Our eyes stay locked as he begins to move, his hips rocking against me in a steady rhythm.
Holland’s hands move over my body, his touch both possessive and tender, his lips brushing against mine with every thrust.
My legs wrap around his waist, my heels digging into his back as I try to meet his movements. I don’t care that Ellie and Haley are right outside in the living room. I don’t care if they’re listening. I only care about the way Holland’s dick feels inside me right now.
The tension builds, the pleasure spiraling tighter and tighter, until I’m teetering on the edge once again. Holland’s thrusts become more urgent, more desperate, his breath coming in short, sharp gasps.
My cries grow louder, my body arching into him as my second orgasm crashes over me.
“Oh my god,” I practically scream out. Holland follows, his release spilling into me as he groans.
“Fuck, shit,” he says through gritted teeth.
He pulls out of me slowly, falling onto the bed next to me. My breathing steadies as he turns on his side to look at me.
“You’re amazing,” he tells me, and a soft chuckle leaves my lips.
“Thanks, I try,” I tell him. He shakes his head.
“No, I mean it. You’re perfect. You’re everything I need, everything I want. You’re mine, and I fucking love you.”
My heart stutters at his words, and I have to take a moment to digest what he’s saying.
“I… I love you.”
Holland kisses my forehead, and I wrap my arms around him, my fingers tracing patterns on his chest as we lay entwined. He lifts his head, his eyes searching mine, his expression unreadable.
My heart pounds in my chest, my mind racing as I being to think about where we go from here.
Holland brushes a strand of hair from my face, his touch gentle, his gaze intense. “Lainey,” he begins, his voice soft.
I close my eyes for a moment, listening to the steadiness of his heartbeat before replying.
“Yes?”
He places a finger under my chin, forcing me to look up at him.
“We’re going to be good. Okay? I’m not leaving, ever,” he assures me, and God help me I think I believe him.
I reach up, my fingertips brushing against his cheek, my smile faint but genuine.
“Okay…” I whisper, though I’m not sure if he can promise that.
Holland’s hand covers mine, his thumb brushing against my knuckles, his expression a mix of relief and desire.
As we lay in silence, our bodies still entwined, the tension and uncertainty seem to dissipate. I don’t know if this will be forever, but I know I want to try. I want it to be Holland. I want this life with him, and as scary as that is, I think it might be worth it.
I’ve never been the girl to believe in happily ever afters, but maybe, just maybe, I’ve finally found mine.