Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
EMILY
I lit the Christmas Tree Farm candle sitting beside the Sapphire Springs snow globe on the windowsill. The familiar scent of fir filled the kitchen and my chest ached.
What was Dana doing now? Was she sitting alone in her living room reading a book about fir maintenance or making herself an omelet? Or perhaps out chopping wood? Tears pricked my eyes.
Dana had clearly been missing her family. Had she really decided she wasn’t ready to go back home, or was there another reason?
Hopefully she’d go over to Roz and Olivia’s for dinner at least…but probably not, knowing Dana.
Suddenly, the Christmas music playing out of Mom’s portable speaker felt a little less festive.
“Is everything okay?” Lucia asked.
I turned to Lucia, standing in her apron next to the counter with balls of rich dark rum ball mixture ready to dip into coconut in front of her.
I sighed. She’d had been so busy preparing for and then embarking on her road trip from LA to Brooklyn and I’d been so busy declining calls to be interviewed about Phillip, dodging insistent reporters who randomly showed up on my parents’ doorstep and throwing myself into extra restaurant shifts to take my mind off Dana and Phillip, that we hadn’t had a lot of time to speak since Dana left.
When Lucia arrived yesterday afternoon in the moving van, we’d been in the midst of preparing for our Christmas Eve dinner, so there’d been no opportunity to catch up.
In some ways, I’d been relieved not to have to talk about it. But talking to Lucia often helped.
“I was just thinking about Dana. She’s spending Christmas by herself.”
Lucia frowned. “That’s not good.” She glanced at her watch. “Could you invite her here?”
Dana here, with me., exclaiming over the food, laughing with my family, her leg pressing against mine under the table, sharing my favorite day of the year. Warmth filled my chest only to be quickly replaced by a cold hopelessness.
I shook my head. “No.”
That would be too dangerous, especially given the current media attention on me.
“You never really told me what happened. Last I heard, you’d basically moved in with her and then you were suddenly just friends again.”
I’d purposefully avoided giving Lucia the details.
“Well, you know…” I dipped a rum ball into the bowl of coconut. “I don’t want to come out publicly, and with Phillip threatening to ruin me and the media attention, we—I—thought it was better if we just stayed friends.”
“Oh, Em.” Lucia’s gazed at me with a pained expression on her face.
My heart ached as I remembered Dana sitting opposite me in the chalet above the Rockefeller ice rink, her face drawn as I told her to go back to Sapphire Springs.
I winced. Dana had done so much for me, and then I’d just sent her away.
I shoved another rum ball in the coconut and then placed it on the tray.
“Whoa, you’re in a ball-breaking mood!” Dad said as he appeared in the hallway, chuckling.
I stared at him. What the hell was he talking about? Had he started on the eggnog already? I followed his gaze down to the counter, where I’d mashed three rum balls together and had been working them with my hands. Ah.
“Present time!” Dad lifted the moka pot from the stove. “Bring your coffee mugs in and I’ll give you a refill.”
We scrubbed our hands to remove the sticky mixture and then made our way into the living room, where presents were stacked under the tree.
A lump formed in my throat. Even the trees that Dana and I had found damaged after the snowstorm, that Olivia had used for wreaths, hadn’t been as crooked and patchy as this tree.
It had none of the dense, conical shape that I knew—after spending weeks with Dana—made the perfect tree.
But it still the place of honor in our living room, covered in tinsel, red and green lights and ornaments.
Dana had seen it, when she’d stayed that weekend before I sent her away, and instead of the horrified expression I’d expected to see flash across her face, she’d smiled.
A tear pricked my eye, and I furiously blinked it away.
Nonno and Nonna sat on the couch next to the tree, holding hands.
My aunt and uncle occupied the couch facing them, while Mom and Dad were in their matching armchairs.
On the rug, Lisa and Tom sat cross-legged with their three kids.
Frank Sinatra crooned Christmas songs over the ancient record player.
Lucia and I joined Lisa and her family on the rug, and six year old Zoe came over and sat in my lap.
As the kids took turns handing out presents, I tried to channel as much Christmas cheer as possible.
I laughed as Lisa pulled out a pair of novelty socks with the words If you can read this, ask your Dad on the soles, and whooped as Zoe opened the castle Lego set she’d been desperate for, but it was all for show.
God, it was Christmas and I was miserable. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
My gaze fell on back onto Nonno and Nonna, holding hands.
What would it be like if Dana was here? I could take her hand, put my arm around her… Nonno and Nonna might be shocked, but they loved me so much that surely they’d get over it. And they would love Dana once they got to know her.
And what would it be like sharing not just Christmas with Dana, but life?
A life with Dana, out in the open, wandering amongst the firs, hanging out in Sapphire Springs with her friends, spending time with my family in Dyker Heights, exploring Brooklyn, Manhattan and the Hudson Valley together. My body flooded with warmth as the images flitted through my head.
Zoe handed me a present. I ripped it open to find two premium movie tickets to Nitehawk Cinema and a massage voucher from my parents.
“Thank you!” I got up and gave them a hug.
If Dana and I were together, living openly, we could go to the movies together, too.
My chest tightened. But by living my best life with Dana, I’d be opening myself up to discrimination.
It might jeopardize my chances of getting complex, interesting roles that would challenge me, make an audience feel something, provide a different perspective on the world.
Roles I’d been working toward all my adult life.
But was it most important to inhabit hundreds of pretend lives or live my life authentically?
Lucia had broken up with Ryan partially so she could be her authentic self. I’d ended things with Dana for the opposite reason.
Dana and I had known each other for less than two months. We might discover we weren’t compatible at all. But I couldn’t shake the conviction, deep down, that we would work. Perfectly. That if I chose Dana, we’d have kids and grow old together, happy and healthy.
As Dad opened a box of hot sauces I’d picked out for him that day at the Christmas market with Dana, memories of strolling side by side with Dana, sipping steaming cups of hot chocolate and nibbling on George’s gingerbread cookies, as we browsed for gifts came rushing back. My stomach swirled with nausea.
Being with Dana didn’t mean giving up on my acting dreams altogether; it just made them less likely they’d occur.
Hopefully, I’d still manage to get some roles—even if I was pigeonholed playing queer characters in indie films. The last few weeks had reminded me just how much I loved acting.
Even if I couldn’t get a paid role, perhaps I could explore community theater or teach an acting class or something.
I exhaled slowly. That wasn’t my dream. But perhaps it would be enough.
The alternative, not being able to be my authentic self, not giving Dana and me a real chance at working out, working with homophobic people felt even more unappealing. Even if I got the most incredible roles, would I really be happy without Dana in my life?
“Should we finish the rum balls?” Lucia asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.
I startled. Present time was over.
“Yep, let’s do it.” I rose to my feet.
Back in the kitchen, we returned to rolling.
“Are you okay?” Lucia looked up, her eyes soft. “You seemed a bit distracted. Still thinking about Dana?”
I nodded. “I can’t stop thinking about her being alone and wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake. But…” I rolled the rum ball in coconut. “We only met in November. Is it wild that I am actually considering potentially blowing up my career for someone I’ve only known for two months?”
“Not necessarily. Nonna and Nonno got engaged after six weeks and look at them.”
I smiled. That was true. Over fifty years later, and they were still going strong. “Nonna and Nonno didn’t believe in sex before marriage, so they had quite an incentive to get married quickly.”
I scraped the last of the mixture from the bowl and rolled it into a ball. It was too big, but it would do.
Lucia laughed. “Well, it still worked out for them. And it’s not just about Dana, Em. This is about you being true to yourself.”
But it was all about Dana.
There was a gaping hole now, one that couldn’t be filled with any amount of Christmas festivities.
I’d been so worried that speaking out against Phillip would impact my career, but now I was so glad that I had.
Despite the interview requests, the reporters turning up unannounced and the negative social media comments I’d tried hard to ignore, watching Phillip’s downfall play out made it all worth it.
Perhaps all my worries about coming out were overblown as well.
I dipped the giant rum ball in coconut.
Coming out would also cause Phillip to lose the last of his power over me, my only ‘secret’ that he could hold over me. If I came out on my own terms, that would no longer be hanging over my head.
Dana’s voice echoed in my head. Which option would you regret the least? Ten years from now, would I regret losing my career, or regret not living my life authentically, regret not fighting for Dana?
I glanced at my watch. 9:30 a.m.
“Are you thinking about making a mad dash up to Sapphire Springs to go get Dana?” Lucia asked, one eyebrow raised.
“Yes.”
“Woo?hoo!” yelled Lucia, an enormous grin across her face.
“The only problem,” I said, “is I don’t know how many trains are going to be running today.
I have to get from the train station to the farm, and Sapphire Springs only has two Uber drivers, and neither of them seems like the type to work on Christmas Day.
I can’t take Mom and Dad’s car because they’ll need it to pick up Aunt Rosa. ”
“Why don’t you take my moving van?” Lucia suggested. “I don’t need to return it for another two days. I wanted to give myself a bit of leeway in case it takes longer than expected to unpack, but it turns out I shouldn’t have worried.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, heart thumping. Was I seriously about to do this?
Excitement fizzed in my stomach.
Yes. Yes, I was.
“Of course. Go get your girl!”
I turned to the sink and washed my hands.
“How are those rum balls going?” Mom asked, entering with an apron in her arms. “I’ll need the kitchen soon to start preparing the salads.”
“Almost done,” Lucia said. “Although, Emily has some news for you.”
“Oh?” Mom raised her eyebrows.
“Sorry for the change of plans, but I’m going to spend Christmas with Dana after all—if she’ll have me, that is.”
Mom’s eyes lit up. “I knew there was something more going on between you two!” She clapped her hands together. “You know, she’s welcome to come here, bella.”
“Thanks Mom. I’ll see what she says. But if she’s up for it, I think I should be there to support her at her family’s Christmas dinner.”
Mom nodded. “Well, I’ll pack you some food anyway, just in case.”
She bustled around the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out foil.
“That’s really not necessary,” I said.
Mom waved her hand at me. “Go on! Go get ready.”
I ran upstairs, took a quick shower, threw some clothes in my bag and dashed downstairs. In the kitchen, in the place of my immediate family, Lisa was slicing tomatoes and Tom was picking basil leaves off a stem. A giant pile of food wrapped in foil sat on the countertop.
I wandered down the hallway, looking for my parents and Lucia.
Nonna and Nonno were still in the living room with the kids, who were playing with their new presents.
“Mom? Dad? Lucia?!” I called, wandering around the house to look for them. “Where on earth did they go?”
A crash sounded outside. I turned and walked down the hall toward the front door and pushed the door open. What the—?
Dad was balanced on a ladder leaning against the moving van, attaching a red tinsel bell at the top while Mom stood on the driveway, sticking gold stars to the back of the van. Lucia sat on the hood, attaching a large red Rudolph nose.
“What are you guys doing?” I asked, laughing.
“Well, since we’re not having Christmas with you this year, we thought we’d give you some Rossi family Christmas cheer to take with you.”
“Won’t it blow off while I’m driving?”
I could see myself speeding down the highway, red tinsel bells flying off and taking out unsuspecting drivers...
“They’ve survived fierce winds and snowstorms while stuck to the house and we’re using zip ties, rope and adhesive strips,” Dad said. “I think it’ll be fine.”
I laughed. “Well, I really appreciate the sentiment.”
My family really was incredibly caring and supportive.
Dana deserves that too.
Within a few minutes the truck was covered in tinsel bells, stars, a wreath on each side, a Rudolph nose on the front and two antlers sticking out from each side. Lucia checked the antler was secure and then jumped down.
“There we go. Perfect,” she said.
We stood back to admire our handiwork. I had to admit it looked pretty great. Hopefully Dana would appreciate it. She’d definitely become a lot more tolerant of Christmas. Maybe even on the verge of enjoying it? Hopefully that hadn’t all been undone by my inability to see what mattered most.
Mom, who’d disappeared, reappeared carrying two large cooler bags of food. “I’ll throw these in the back.”
A wave of nerves hit me as I climbed into the van. Was it okay just turning up unannounced like this on Dana’s doorstep?
I pulled my phone out to call her.
Straight to voicemail. She must be out of range.
Next stop, Red Tractor Farm.