Chapter 40
CHAPTER FORTY
DANA
Merry.
Crack.
Fucking.
Crack.
Christmas.
Crack.
I heaved the axe up and then smashed it down again, over and over. Despite it only being forty degrees sweat dripped down my forehead.
What would Emily be doing right now? Probably in the kitchen with Lucia and her parents, helping prepare Christmas dinner. Somewhere in between Sapphire Springs and Dyker Heights, Mom, Dad, Kelsey and Jake would be doing the same.
Crack.
Roz had reiterated her invitation to their Christmas dinner yesterday, and George, Hannah, Jenny and Blake had invited me to their family gatherings as well. I’d declined them all. I would have just been the Christmas Grinch, dragging down the mood with my low spirits.
Crack.
Christmas was beyond redemption. First Bowie’s death, then Jake and Kelsey, and now Emily.
Perhaps I could make it a tradition of going somewhere Christmas wasn’t celebrated.
Skiing in Japan—do they celebrate Christmas there?
Or Saudi Arabia—I was pretty sure I remembered reading Christmas was banned there, or at least heavily restricted.
That sounded like my kind of place. Although, was homosexuality illegal there? Perhaps it wasn’t my kind of place.
Crack.
The wood split. I threw it on the ground and picked up another piece. I’d cut enough wood over the last few days to keep me going until at least next winter, and while I was definitely fitter for it, it hadn’t helped me work through any of my feelings.
The only thing that was crystal clear was that I really missed Emily.
Crack.
An image of sitting with Emily and her family at Thanksgiving dinner morphed into a memory of Christmas at my parents’, before Bowie’s death and everything happened with Jake and Kelsey.
Mom and Dad, puttering in the kitchen, making questionable Hoffman family Christmas recipes, and then gathering around the dining table, carrying out Mom’s English tradition of pulling Christmas crackers, reading bad jokes and wearing paper hats that ripped at the slightest tug.
And…and I did miss my family.
I rested the head of my axe on the ground, staring at the wood in front of me as I caught my breath, my chest heaving.
Mom and Dad had been collateral damage in the Kelsey-and-Jake drama.
It wasn’t fair to them to keep my distance, only see them every couple of months and never celebrate holidays together.
And I had to acknowledge my contribution to the whole situation.
Jake and Kelsey had asked me if they could date.
I should have said no at the time, instead of not objecting but then holding it against them.
All the time I'd spent pining after Emily recently had also led to a newfound appreciation for their perspective as well. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, and it couldn’t have been easy for them trying to ignore it.
The past few weeks, I’d started to seriously entertain the possibility of returning home for Christmas.
Seeing Emily’s family celebrating Thanksgiving together had made it feel like a real possibility.
But that had all been because I had Emily by my side—and because I’d imagined Emily would be there to support me.
Being with Emily had helped me realize what I was missing out on.
But did I want to keep missing out on that just because Emily had left? Could I do it without her?
I lifted my axe and brought it down again.
Maybe I needed to channel some of Emily’s energy.
She fought for what she wanted, instead of moping around feeling sorry for herself.
She wanted to be a successful actress, so she took action even if it meant making some difficult or uncomfortable decisions. Like sending me away.
An image of Dad showing me how to hold the small axe Santa left me under the tree on Christmas morning, almost twenty years ago, flickered in my vision.
Me excitedly yelling at Mom and Jake to watch me as I brought the axe down, splitting a small piece of wood almost in half. My eyes welled with tears.
I threw down my axe and ran to the house.
If I couldn’t have Emily, at least I could have my family.