Chapter Fourteen
Nikki’s mom was not what Hawk imagined. There were no men waiting on the lawn, and from what he saw of the house, it looked like it had been cleaned up. Whatever was going on here, he didn’t have the answers, but he did want Nikki.
She was wrapped up in a pair of cute heart pajamas, her hair pulled back into a messy bun at the nape of her neck. She glared at him.
“Honey, I can call the cops,”
Ethel said.
“It’s fine, Mom. I’ll talk to him.”
“Please take him into the dining room or kitchen. I don’t want him loitering outside my door.”
Nikki nodded and stepped back.
Hawk didn’t care how he got into the house, only that he had, and he was finally able to talk with Nikki.
Her mother’s home was clean, and this was not what he was expecting. He thought it would be filthy. Nikki going to her mother’s would be a last resort, but this place was clean. It was spotless. Something had clearly happened with her mother, and he didn’t know the details. Nikki wouldn’t lie to him.
They stepped into the small dining room. The table was only big enough for four people, and there were a few pieces of art on the walls.
“What do you want?”
Nikki asked. “Don’t you have a party to get to? Some women to be with?”
“Look, I get that you’re pissed. Nothing happened between Trixie and I.”
Nikki laughed.
“I’m being serious. I’m not joking.”
“I heard what happened.”
He gritted his teeth. “You heard what I told Trixie and paid her to say. I didn’t touch her. Yes, I had her in my room all night long, and she acted like I was with her, but nothing happened. I don’t want her. My dick didn’t even get hard for her.”
Nikki burst out laughing, but it was not entertained, this was verging on hysterical. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“I need you to listen to me.”
“What if you could have gotten hard? Would you have slept with her?”
Nikki asked.
“No.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Damn it, Nikki, the only woman I want is you. You’re the only woman I can think about.”
She stared at him and he pulled out his cell phone.
“I can call Trixie and she’ll tell you the truth. So can Darlene.”
“And you expect me to believe you?”
Nikki asked.
“I’ve never lied to you,” he said.
Nikki stared at him. Had he gotten through to her? She continued to stare at him, and for the first time, he couldn’t read her expression.
“You haven’t?”
Nikki asked.
“I’ve never lied to you.”
“The flyer,”
Nikki said, after a moment’s pause.
“What?”
“It’s simple. The flyer, did you or did you not have the flyer made?”
she asked.
He didn’t quite know what she was talking about, but after a second where he didn’t answer, she continued.
“Or, let’s talk about the position offering qualification as well as work placement, at the same salon you own? You never told me you owned it or that I was the only one to get the only flyer ever made.”
She tilted her head to the side. “Now that I think about it, what about my landlord for my trailer? I suddenly had gas, and everything has been working without a hitch. Then, my car. I learned you have a mechanic shop, and suddenly the mounting bills of my car just evaporated and went into dust. Is that all just a coincidence?”
“Nikki, I was trying to do the right thing. You were going through a hard time.”
“I’ve gone through plenty of hard times. Trust me. I’ve struggled for money and food, and I’ve always found a way. How about Diana paying me back the bail money? What about that?”
Hawk glanced down at the ground.
“You see, our initial meetings are all based on lies. You didn’t stumble into the supermarket late at night. You went looking for me, didn’t you?”
“Nikki, I swear I am not lying.”
“And you might not be, but you’re also embarrassed to be seen with me, aren’t you?”
Nikki asked.
This made him frown.
“You see, I have quit my job with Darlene, and I already have a brand new one. I’m not going to tell you where. If you really want to know, you’ll figure it out, but driving around today got me thinking, a lot. You never wanted me to come to any parties because you wanted the best of both worlds. You wanted those women at your disposal while I waited for you. What was the plan, Hawk? Enjoy me until you got bored? Was that it? When you finally had enough, that was going to be the end of it?”
He couldn’t say or do anything to fight his corner. That was the truth.
“I … it’s not like that.”
“But it was?”
Nikki asked.
“You’re not part of the club, Nikki. You could never be a random fuck, okay? You’re not like that.”
He went to touch her, but she pulled away.
“You’re right. I’m not like that. I’m not the kind of woman that sneaks around just to be with a man. I’m not the kind of woman who wants to sleep around. I was holding onto my virginity because it was precious to me.”
Nikki shook her head. “I want you to leave.”
Hawk clenched his hands into fists. He didn’t want to leave. She wouldn’t even look at him.
“Leave,”
Nikki said.
“I’ll leave for now, but this isn’t over.”
She lifted her head and he stared into her deep brown eyes, and he saw the pain he caused her. Nikki was hurting and it was all his fault. He fucked up big time.
“Is that because you haven’t said it?”
she asked. “Do I need to wait for you to get bored with me and decide what would be the most acceptable time for you?”
Hawk clicked his tongue.
“Get out,”
Nikki said.
He would give her time. He had no choice.
He left Nikki’s home, and she didn’t even slam the door closed behind him. It shut, silently. This was not good.
Hawk had never felt this way with a woman. He felt so freaking lost, and it was like he didn’t know what to fucking do. The temptation to stay on her mother’s lawn was strong, but he held himself back and moved toward his bike, straddling the machine.
He looked back at her childhood home and knew he needed to figure out what happened. Nikki didn’t lie to him, which only meant her mother had changed. Something had happened.
Pulling away from the curb, he drove off, heading back to the clubhouse. How was he going to fix this with Nikki? He didn’t know what to do. There was no magic wand to make this work. He couldn’t, for the life of him, think of how to put them back on track. Was Nikki speaking the truth? Was he just wanting to be the one to end the relationship?
That couldn’t be right. He wasn’t that kind of guy. If Nikki wanted to end it, then fine, it was over, they were done. Only, his gut twisted at the thought of not being with her anymore.
What the fuck was that all about? It made no sense. Women were just for fun. That was all.
Nikki was not just fun.
As he headed back to the clubhouse, he pictured Nikki in his mind, the way she smiled, which always lit up her face. She had an infectious smile, and even if he didn’t feel like doing it back, just looking at her made him smile. She was so fucking beautiful, so open. The way she would laugh when he tickled her, or how she would listen to him. She never interrupted him, always waited until he was done talking.
The times he spent with her were the best moments of his life. He loved spending time with her. Loved being with her. She lit up his whole world.
And now, he had also hurt her. By lying. He hadn’t cheated on her, but it was still a lie he was caught up in, a lie he was struggling to get out of. He had fucked up.
He parked his bike, walked into the club, and grabbed a large bottle of whiskey off the shelf. The brothers knew to leave him alone, as did the women. Anyone who disturbed him was going to get shouted at. He wasn’t even going to try to hide it.
Nikki was a good thing, and he’d ruined it. What did he do? What did he say? How did he make this work?
He made his way toward his library. Collapsing into his chair, he unscrewed the top of the bottle, tilted it to his lips, and drank, hard. After several swigs, he lowered the bottle and stared straight ahead into nothingness. He thought about the first night he saw her, stepping into his library. None of the women were interested in coming into his library unless it was to fuck him, and yet this woman stumbled into his domain without a care in the world. Fucking Nikki Brown. He should have known she was going to be nothing but trouble.
“Are you okay?”
He looked over to see Sandy in the doorway. She wore a pair of jeans and a plain white shirt.
“I’m fucking ace,”
he said, tilting the bottle to his lips.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. I want to drink. That is all I want to do.”
“Would you like me to join you?”
He knew Sandy had done nothing wrong, but he didn’t want anyone to join him.
“No. I’m good.”
Sandy nodded. “Let me know if that changes.”
He watched as she turned on her heel and left his library.
****
“Pancakes?”
Nikki asked.
“Yes, and scrambled eggs and bacon. Shoot, I didn’t do the maple syrup, but that used to be something I loved growing up. You have the fluffy pancakes, and because of how fluffy they are, they just soak up that maple syrup and they’re so sweet and delicious.”
Nikki sat at the counter and smiled at her mother talking animatedly about pancakes and maple syrup.
“I know I never made them for you growing up, but this is my chance to make up for it. Come on, let me, please,”
Ethel said.
She laughed. “I wasn’t going to say no. I’m hungry.”
That was a tiny lie. She felt sick to her stomach after last night, seeing Hawk and talking with him. She felt like throwing up, and the ice cream hadn’t helped.
After sitting with her mother for a couple of hours, she’d finally gone to bed, and she knew she had to make her way back to her trailer at some point.
“That’s good. So, I was thinking I might stop off at the butcher, grab some ground beef, and make you those meatballs I was telling you about last night. What do you think?”
“You want to cook me dinner?”
Ethel smiled. “Absolutely. I’ve got a lot to catch up on. I owe you quite a few meals. We can watch a movie, and I’ll even grab another of my favorite ice creams and I can stop off at the bakery and grab those cinnamon rolls I was telling you about.”
Nikki did have every intention of going back to her trailer, but she also didn’t want to turn her mother down. Also, she didn’t want to be alone. Hawk might go to her trailer, and she didn’t want to have a chance encounter with him.
“I’d love to.”
“Awesome.”
Ethel clapped her hands together.
This was so bizarre to her. She never saw her mother like this. Within minutes, she had a plate full of fluffy but drowned pancakes, lots of scrambled eggs, and several slices of bacon. It was a lot of food, and Nikki didn’t know if she was going to finish it. Her mother joined her with equally as much food, and they ate in companionable silence. It was nice. Nikki never thought she would have an experience with her mother that made her think spending any time with her was nice. It was actually fun.
And after the large breakfast, she helped with the dishes and on the way out the door, her mother pulled her in for a hug. A genuine “see you soon”
hug that surprised Nikki.
“I’ll see you tonight.”
She agreed and headed out to her car. A layer of frost had hit overnight, and it was so cold. She wrapped her jacket even tighter around herself and climbed behind the wheel.
Her mother was still at the door, and she held her hand up and gave her a wave. Waving back, she turned over the ignition and pulled away from the curb.
Taking off, she headed toward the fast-food place and couldn’t help but wonder what might have been if she was able to finish her course with Darlene. After yesterday, she didn’t want to be near anything Hawk touched.
She tried not to think about Hawk. He might be telling the truth, but she was now starting to realize he would go to extreme lengths to get what he wanted. She didn’t understand why he’d gone to those lengths for her. Why did he insist on her getting a job and paying for her course? Did he expect her to work for Darlene for several years?
Now that she thought of it, that had all been included. She wondered if he’d worked out the cost and figured five years of her working for Darlene would be payment plus interest.
She couldn’t trust him, and the truth was, she couldn’t trust Darlene.
Arriving at the drive-thru fast-food joint, she turned off her ignition. There was still some heat to the engine, and she pulled out her cell phone and turned it on.
He’d also changed her cell phone for her. There was nothing he hadn’t touched.
There were several texts from Darlene, who said she was worried and Hawk was looking for her. To call her.
Nikki stared at the texts. She had thought Darlene was her friend. Only now, she had her doubts. What if she was only faking it because of Hawk? So many questions. So many doubts, and every one of them sucked big time. She hated these feelings.
She closed her cell phone, turned it off, and headed into work.
David was there. He shook her hand and started to talk about his three kids. One of them was in high school, and according to him, he was embarrassed to have a dad who was the manager of this place. He had another in kindergarten, and another heading toward nursery. She got a complete rundown of his family, including pictures, and she saw his wife. Nikki smiled and told him he had a beautiful family.
Other staff arrived, and most of them ignored David’s greetings, asking how their evenings were. She had told him it was good. Her evening had certainly been an experience.
The moment they opened the doors, Nikki was grateful it was busy. They did not stop or slow down. It was so refreshing. They had the pre-breakfast rush, the breakfast rush, the latecomers, and soon the regular lunch crowd.
There was a kind of slowdown, but there was always cooking, cleaning, and serving to do. She got to take her first break at one o’clock, which she was okay with. She’d not packed any lunch, and the truth was, she was still enjoying the fullness of her mother’s breakfast. There was a lot of food to take.
For lunch, she sat in her car, drinking coffee, scrolling through her texts, wondering if she should answer them. Hawk had texted her good morning and asked how her day was.
She looked at Darlene’s text. Friends or not, she felt she should respond. So, she sent off a text.
Nikki: I’m fine. I saw Hawk. Settled things. It is over. Thank you for all the lessons and for teaching me. It has been a wonderful experience. I’ve got a new job. Take care.
She sent off the text, not expecting to get a response. Not only did she get a response, her cell phone started to ring. Darlene’s name appeared on the screen. Nikki was tempted to close her phone. She didn’t want to have a conversation. Darlene, truthfully, hadn’t done anything wrong. She was just following orders.
“Hello,”
Nikki said.
“I swear if you had hung up on me, I was going to hunt you down, Sweetheart,”
Darlene said.
“Good morning to you too,”
Nikki said.
“Where are you? What do you mean, you got a new job? There is no way you got a new job that fast. I refuse to believe it.”
“I did.”
“Do I get to know what it is?”
“I’m serving burgers.”
That was all she was going to tell her.
“Are you for real? You quit my place to go and flip burgers?”
Darlene let out a little growl. “Okay, I feel like I need to come and slap you something silly. I know we were early into your training, but I am telling you, you have a gift, Nikki. You should not be flipping burgers.”
“There’s nothing wrong with flipping burgers,”
Nikki said.
“I know there’s not. Trust me, I flipped burgers to earn an income, but you have talent. I know you’re being stubborn and I know Hawk hurt you, but come on, you’ve got what it takes to make it in this industry. You could be amazing, and you’re just starting out. I know for a fact some of the girls and the clients would love to have you practice on them. They love seeing your looks, and I looked forward to working with you this Halloween.”
Nikki hated letting anyone down. She loved working for Darlene. Loved being surrounded by all things beauty, but this was Hawk’s problem. She only got that job because of him.
“You were not even hiring or offering a college tuition.”
Darlene groaned. “You’re right. I wasn’t, and that is my bad. The truth is, if we’re being real, I didn’t want you working for me. I didn’t know if you could even do anything related to beauty. You didn’t even wear makeup, and yes, your skin looked lovely, but I knew nothing about you. Now I know more about you, and I’m telling you, Nikki, you’re being stubborn.”
“I can’t,”
Nikki said.
“Look, I get it, Hawk’s an ass, and he has hurt you, and you’re going through this rough patch, but that doesn’t mean you should stop doing something you love. You love being here, don’t you?”
She was silent.
“Damn it, Nikki, stop being a pain in the ass. This job is perfect for you. You know it, and I know it. Hawk be damned, and I’m saying that as a club woman, okay? This position is still here for you. I would love to keep training you, and I’d love to see you flourish, but now it’s up to you.”
And with that, Darlene hung up. She checked the time to see she still had a few minutes on her lunch break. Blowing out a breath, she felt bad for letting Darlene down, but now she had another job. Dropping her head back onto her seat, she closed her eyes and took a breath. She didn’t have a clue what to do. Did she quit her courses and stop working for Darlene for the right reasons?
Nikki hated her own thoughts, because it all came back to one person—Hawk. The only reason she was giving everything up was because of him.
Opening her eyes, she saw it was close to her shift starting again, and she quickly climbed out of her car and headed back inside. It was still busy, and she got stuck working, so didn’t have time to think about Darlene and the beauty shop for the rest of the day.
By the time she made it back to her mother’s, she was exhausted. She didn’t want to think about Hawk, or anything else. Arriving at her home, she made her way to the front door and knocked. Within minutes, Ethel answered, and Sean was running around her feet.
“I didn’t know how long you were going to be, so I had the meatballs simmering in the sauce, and now I can get the pasta in. Would you like dinner now, or would you like to take a nice hot bath?”
Nikki glanced upstairs and the smells coming from the kitchen were making her hungry.
“I’d like dinner now, please.”
That way she could luxuriate after food and not have to worry about rushing downstairs.
Ethel smiled. “Go and sit. I’ll be right in with dinner.”
This was all still so surreal to her—her mother cooking dinner. Sitting in her very clean childhood home. Even talking with her mother seemed like an odd experience. She hated that her mother had to go through a near-death experience to change, but it was hard not to be thankful for it. She had a mom. Finally, after nearly twenty-three years, she had a mom. She couldn’t ever remember a time in her life where her mother had been a good woman. That was how far her mother had fallen, and she was climbing her way out of the pit, and it was so wonderful to see.
The smell of the evening meal, spaghetti and meatballs, was making her salivate, it was so good. She sat back and glanced around the dining room.
In the past, this room didn’t even have a chair. Most of the time it had a stack of boxes that meant nothing to her. It must have taken her mother weeks to clean the whole house. To get it painted and in a state it could be lived in.
“Here we go,”
Ethel said, putting a large plate full of spaghetti and meatballs in front of her.
“Wow,”
Nikki said.
“Yeah, that is a little snag I’ve hit. I don’t seem to be able to cook for a few people. I tend to fill the freezer, and then take some around to the church, or go to the homeless shelter and help.”
This made Nikki’s mouth drop. “You go to the homeless shelter?”
“Yes, yes, I know, I know. I’ve made some cruel observations over the years, about them being a burden, and it is embarrassing.”
Ethel bowed her head, and she knew her mother had sent a prayer. “I was … na?ve, stubborn, and stupid.”
“I can’t believe how different you are,”
Nikki said.
Ethel offered her a smile. “Well, I’ve always been told that people can change, and I guess I’ve certainly changed, or at the very least remembered who I once was before I allowed a man to change me.”
Nikki couldn’t help reaching out to take her mother’s hand. “Thank you.”
She saw the tears glistening in her mother’s eyes. “I should be the one thanking you.”
Ethel squeezed her hand. “Now, eat. I don’t want your food getting cold. Also, there should be plenty of hot water for you to enjoy a nice, long bath. So, tell me about your day.”
Nikki twirled some of the spaghetti around her fork. Her mother had mixed sauce into the spaghetti as well as dolloping it on top. She loved it like this. “It was good.”
She took a bite and the flavors were so intense, but not overpowering. The food was perfection. She had never tasted her mother’s cooking like this. It was usually takeout or a sandwich, but this was something else. Her mouth felt like it was being danced over but in a good way. She loved it and went straight in for another bite.
“Just good?”
Ethel asked. “I thought you were working at that beauty salon a few towns over. I heard you struggled to get work, and the supermarket job closed on you.”
“Oh,”
Nikki said. “I was working at the salon.”
“I’m so relieved. I had hoped to have bumped into you before then, but you know how life can be, and I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help you find work.”
“Uh, I’m not actually working at the salon. The job was kind of fake, and I only just found out about it.”
Ethel frowned in between taking bites of her meatball. “You’re going to have to fill in the blanks for me, because I’m not sure I understand.”
“I’m not out of a job. I’m working at a fast-food joint. Serving burgers, fries, and a whole lot of other things. It’s busy and it seems like good pay,”
Nikki said.
“So what happened to the salon job?”
Ethel asked. “I remember as a little kid you were always fascinated by my makeup.”
Ethel looked away and Nikki frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“Just … bad memories. Always bad memories where I could have been nice to you, and I was cruel and said some bad things.”
Ethel’s hand was clenched into a fist. “This is the price I have to pay.”
Nikki was shocked to see the guilt. There was a part of her that had wondered if this was all an act on her mother’s part. Now, she felt a little guilty for not believing what was right in front of her eyes. Her mother had truly changed, but the biggest problem with that kind of change were the memories of the past. She hadn’t forgotten them and was still dealing with them.
She took her mother’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, I used to play with your makeup. I don’t think you liked that.”
“You’re beautiful, Nikki, and don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Not me, not a guy, not even a spiteful girl. You’re beautiful.”
Her mother squeezed her hand. “And some people are just assholes and cruel bitches for the sake of it. Don’t you worry, I will make up for all those bad things I said. How did I not get you taken from me?”
“You remember Hawk, the biker, from last night?”
Nikki had always assumed it would be easy to confront her mother about the past. Staring her in the face, telling her she was a monster, a horrible human being, who didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about. How she didn’t deserve to have children, and she was in fact a lucky woman to have had a daughter like her.
All these comebacks she had one day thought to have with her mother, would have all worked on the woman her mother had been in the past. Not the woman now. Now, she saw the helplessness. The agony from years of neglect and abuse she had dished out, and yet Nikki was still here with her mother, enjoying a meal.
But the only reason this had happened was because her mother had changed so fundamentally. It was shocking to see. At times, she didn’t know if she could believe it or not, it seemed so far-fetched. The truth was she hadn’t been here. Her mother had gone through something life-changing.
“Yes, I remember, he is kind of too scary to forget.”
She smiled. “Well, he, uh, he pretty much faked me getting a job.”
Seeing her mother’s confusion, she told her everything she knew—the run of bad luck she had, her car, her trailer, and then her job. How this placement at the salon was like a dream come true, only for her to find out it was all a lie. A fake. She hated being lied to, and she hated being pitied.
“So, you quit?”
“Yes, I got a job at this fast-food place, and Darlene, the owner of the salon, called and said my job is still there, but I can’t go back.”
Ethel frowned. “Why not?”
“It was all based on a lie. How can I take something that is a lie?”
Her mother sighed and seemed to stare into the corner of the room. “I can see why that is difficult. Did you enjoy working with this Darlene?”
“Yeah, she was great. I learned so much from her and I loved studying the course.”
She shrugged. “It just doesn’t feel right and I don’t want to bump into him, or anyone at the club. He was too embarrassed to be seen with me.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter if I loved the job, it was all a lie, and that sucks but it doesn’t change it.”
Silence met her answer. She twirled some more spaghetti onto her fork and stuck it into her mouth.
“I get that he has hurt you, and I am not telling you to forgive him, but I don’t see why you should stop doing something you love because of what he has done.”
Her mother winced. “Does that sound bad?”
“I don’t know,” she said.
“These meatballs are good.”
“They are, aren’t they?”