Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN_
DECAF
All these years of building up my tolerance to caffeine so I could escape the voices, the dreams, the torture of reliving everything that went down with Haz’s father, it’s all fallen to shit with the amount of drugs Scout is pumping through my veins.
No matter how I try to wake myself up from seeing Jesse die over and over again, my eyelids are too heavy to keep open, and I continuously fall back into the same nightmare.
This time, though, as I open my eyes and see Jesse’s frame standing by a window, his back to me, with bright white light surrounding him, I realize I’m either in a new dream or I’m dead.
Jesse’s here to welcome me to the afterlife, where I expected a lot more fire-and-brimstone action than the angelic glow full of warmth.
It would figure Jesse became an angel. I’ll be lucky if I’m even allowed past the gates.
“Jesse?” I croak.
He turns. Only, it’s not Jesse. It’s Haz.
The glowing bright light fades, and the dark cabin comes into focus. I’m not dead. This isn’t heaven, but it sure as shit is close to hell.
“Not Jesse,” Haz says and then speaks slowly. “I. Am. Corey.”
I screw up my face. “You’re still here.”
“I love you too, old man.”
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“You know, every time you say that, it only makes me want to stay more.”
I grunt. “Fine, then. I’m so happy you’re here. Risking your life for someone who doesn’t deserve it instead of saving your own ass like I did all those years ago. Let’s bond and braid each other’s hair.”
“Woohoo. We’re finally on the same page.” Haz takes the seat that’s next to my bed, and he puts his feet up on the mattress beside me. “What do we want to bond over?”
I mutter under my breath how he’s a stubborn motherfucker just like his father.
Haz sits up straighter and removes his feet from next to my thigh. “Are you ready to talk about him yet?”
I’m never ready to talk about him. But Haz deserves answers. “What did you want to know?”
“Everything?” His laugh comes out in a nervous shudder. “You seem to confuse the two of us a lot. Am I really that much like him? I’ve seen photos, and I can’t say I see the resemblance.”
“Then you’re blind. Because you’re his spitting image. You look just like him right before he …” I swallow hard.
“You can’t even say he died, can you?”
“Anytime I do, I’m reminded of what I did. Guilt has consumed me for over twenty years. You don’t move on from that.”
“You should find a way,” Haz says matter-of-factly. “Have you ever spoken to a therapist about it?”
“I’ve never felt the need to. I’ve had Mike Bravo to throw myself into. Taking out bad guys. Blowing shit up. Righting wrongs.”
Haz scoffs. “Super-healthy coping techniques. How’s that working out for you?”
“It was fine until you showed up.”
Haz smiles. “You’re your own worst enemy.”
Tell me something I don’t know. “I’ll give you that.”
“What was my dad actually like?”
I’m thankful for the subject change, even if it means feeling like I’m being stabbed in the gut repeatedly.
“Other than stubborn. I think that’s the only trait you’ve ever mentioned him having. Like … I’m assuming he knew you were gay? He never flat out said it in his journals, but I don’t know. I could tell he knew. Or maybe I was reading into it too much.”
“He knew. My whole unit knew, which was unheard of back then. It was right before Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed, but we were a close unit, and I felt like they deserved to know for some stupid reason.
Maybe if I hadn’t been so open about it, my actions that day might have been different. Maybe I would’ve saved your dad.”
A line appears above Haz’s brow line. “Explain that logic to me because if anything, I would think breaking orders to save him would bring more suspicion on you, so if you were closeted, you wouldn’t want that getting out.”
I’ve never thought about it that way before.
“I … I guess in my mind, I was thinking if I broke orders and we survived, there was a chance my CO or another one of my unit would turn me in for being gay just to get me kicked out. You know, as punishment for going against orders. But thinking about it the way you put it … I probably would’ve done the same thing had I been closeted and too worried about being found out. ”
“See what talking it out can do? You’ve finally realized that no matter what you did that day, the outcome would be exactly the same.
I guarantee, if you had run out there with my father, they would have killed you too.
You think your unit would’ve stepped in if two of you went rogue?
Your CO left my dad to die in the middle of the street.
And I might not have ever known my father, but I did read his journals.
He wouldn’t want you to still be hating yourself over what happened. ”
He’s right. He’s so fucking right that I hate myself more. Go figure.
“How …” He hesitates. “How supportive of you was my dad? Like, in terms of your sexuality …”
It feels like he’s fishing for something. Like trying to ask again if anything ever happened between Jesse and me.
“We were just friends,” I reiterate.
His shoulders slump. “I know. I mean more …”
Then it hits me. “Oh. You want to know if he would’ve supported you being gay? That’s an easy question to answer. He would’ve wholeheartedly embraced you and told you to be yourself.”
The look of relief on his face makes his skin glow. His smile lights up the whole fucking room.
“He was my biggest supporter, and when I came out to the others in my unit, he made it clear that if any of them fucked with me, they’d have to deal with him. He would’ve done the same for you, no question.”
“That’s good to know. I mean, when I came out to Mom, she said the same thing, but hearing it from someone else who also knew my dad makes it more real somehow.”
“Shit. Your mom. Have you spoken to her? Does she know what’s happening?”
Haz leans over and puts his hand on my chest to get me to calm down.
“I’ve told her Trav is overreacting and taking steep precautions, so I’ll be gone for a while, and that I’ll let her know where I am once I’m settled.
It’s okay. She was mad but just wants me safe.
I’m more worried if they can’t find me, they might go to her. ”
“We’ll get her out as soon as possible too.”
“If she’ll come. You think my dad was stubborn? Try being around my mother.”
“I was. For a good six months before she found out the truth about what happened to your dad.”
“So you know, then. She’s so headstrong.”
“That she is. When did you come out to her? Did she take it okay?”
“High school. I don’t know why, but I was never worried about telling her.
Probably because she always told me that she’d love me no matter what, even before I had any inclination.
I was kind of obsessed with hanging out with the guys on the football team and would get mad when they’d invite girls.
That was the biggest tip-off. After I had my revelation and Mom acted the way I knew she would, I didn’t hold back after that. Everyone knew pretty quickly.”
“And you felt comfortable enough to come out? Easy as that?”
“I’ve always had the muscles to kick anyone’s ass, so they didn’t even try.”
“What a difference one generation makes,” I mumble, remembering back to being so scared of anyone in my high school finding out.
“It’s only going to continue to get better. I’m sure of that.”
As much as I’m letting myself enjoy this conversation, enjoy getting to know Haz better, my painkillers have worn off, and I need to take a leak.
I try to sit up so I can move, but pain ricochets though my entire body.
Haz flies to his feet. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”
“Bathroom. And painkillers.”
“On it.”
“Where’s Scout?”
“Scouting outside. Making sure there are no surprises heading our way. Hey, is that where his name comes from?”
“Nope. He steals all the Girl Scout cookies from anyone who buys them. Every damn year.”
“And he still looks as good as he does? Where does he store them? Have you seen that man’s abs?”
“Too many times.” I grunt. “Are you going to help me or drool over a teammate who is way too old for you?”
“If anything, he’s too young for me. I like … older guys.”
I screw up my face. “I don’t need to know that.” Because it’s inappropriate to talk to my godson about that stuff. Right? Definitely not because it makes me think of him sitting on my bed and shaving my face for me and how I reacted and what Scout said about it meaning something.
“Let’s get you up and moving.” Haz rounds the bed and helps me to my feet, his muscular arms and body feeling way too good against me. Safe.
Luckily, I’m in so much pain that a repeat of the shaving incident can’t happen, but damn if my cock isn’t trying.
I’m not hooked up to any fluids at the moment, so we don’t have to drag the drip with us, but I had no idea how much the painkillers were numbing the real pain until now.
It’s been almost two weeks since the car bomb, and I thought I was getting better.
I thought I could be left on my own. Obviously, I’ve been a big dumbass.
I’d still prefer it if Haz weren’t the one to look after me, but I’m thankful he’s here.
We get to the bathroom, and I’m about to say I’ve got it from here, but the second I try to pull out of his grip, I almost fall from the weakness in my legs and pain in my gut.
Weirdly, the only thing that isn’t hurting is my hand, which feels like it’s being held together by duct tape instead of pins and screws.
“I’ve got you,” Haz says, his voice low and raspy in my ear.
Suddenly, my cock finds what it needed to get that repeat reaction.
One time, I could write off. Twice?
My gut hollows out because this is so wildly inappropriate. The worst thing, though, is that I don’t hate it.
Jesse, please forgive me.