Chapter 16
Senses
My house was chill for the most part for a Saturday morning. Amir and Love had just gotten back from his basketball practice while I had the living room covered in wedding binders and notebooks.
I was trying to organize my whole life in color-coded sections. Emails were coming to my phone. Texts from my girls about the DJ and bartender. I was calling venues, giving them the date for five months away.
The next thing I was working on was the seating chart, while the girls sent me ideas for the reception. Things that I thought would feel fun started to feel like too much at once.
I kept flipping through pages, making sure I had all the names and putting people where I wanted them to go.
I decided to take a break from that and moved on to looking at my hairstyle options and pictures of the dresses I wanted to try on at my fitting.
I thought that might ease the stress I was feeling, but it just added more.
My chest started feeling tight, but I ignored it at first. I carried a notebook with me to the kitchen and laid it on the island while I got myself some water.
I stood at the counter, looking at the same pictures in my notebook and rereading the same text line twice, then a third time, like it would change if I stared at it long enough, but it didn’t. I then let out a deep breath, feeling like all my thoughts were stacking on top of each other.
The wedding.
The timeline.
The expectations of what I wanted.
My legs started to feel weak. I slowly made my way to the barstool and took a seat.
My heart started racing like it was about to come out of my chest. My hands started shaking. It felt like my vision was cloudy.
I heard feet coming toward me, but I couldn’t turn around.
“Islah,” Amir said, placing his hand on my back. “Are you okay?”
I couldn’t get a word out.
He leaned over and looked at my face, then the way my chest was rising up and down.
“DAD!!!” he screamed. “Something is wrong with Islah!”
Amir ran up the hall to make sure that Love heard him.
I tried to yell out that I was okay, even though I wasn’t, because I didn’t want him in a panic, but words still wouldn’t come out.
Everything felt too loud and too far away at the same time.
My fingers dug into the edge of the island while I fought to pull in a breath, but it felt like somebody was sitting on my chest.
“Baby?”
Love’s voice hit my ears before I felt his hands on me.
“Islah.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to breathe.
“Look at me, mamas.”
I couldn’t.
My heart was beating so hard I thought something seriously was wrong with me.
Love turned me around to face him and wrapped his arms around mine.
“Look at me, mamas.”
I forced my eyes open.
Amir tried to smile at me through his panic.
I could still see the panic on Love’s face, even though he was trying to hide it.
“Talk to me, baby,” he said softly.
“I…” my voice cracked. “I... can’t... breathe.”
He rubbed my thigh softly.
“Yes, you can, baby. Take slow, deep breaths.”
He was showing me how to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth like we were in a birthing class.
He looked up at Amir, who was standing close by.
“Go on back to your room.”
Amir sucked his teeth. “But Dad, I want to make sure she’s okay.”
Love smiled at him, keeping his cool. “I will let you know how she’s feeling.”
Amir leaned over and hugged me softly and went on to his room. Then Love turned his attention back to me, and I fell into his arms.
Tears filled my eyes. I hated feeling like I wasn’t in control of my own body.
Love carried me to our room, closed the door with his foot, and we got into bed.
He held me and let me cry, telling me it would be okay, reminding me to breathe, and that he was right there.
After I don’t know how much time had passed, I started to calm down. My chest didn’t feel so heavy, and I was breathing easier than I was before.
I finally picked my head up, and Love smiled at me, wiping my tears and moving my hair outta my face.
“What happened, baby?” he asked softly.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was working on the seating chart, the girls were texting me. I guess I got overwhelmed and had a panic attack.”
“I get that, but you don’t have to do all of this, baby—”
“But I want it,” I said, cutting him off. “I came too far—we came too far. I just want our day to be perfect.”
Love sighed. “We got five months. I don’t need you having panic attacks for these next five months when we could say fuck all that shit and do something simple.”
I nodded. “I know, baby, but I really want a wedding. It BETTER be the only wedding we have, and I want to do it right.”
Love laughed. “I understand all that, but I don’t want you this worked up.”
Love kissed me, and I laid my head back on his chest.
Love stayed holding me for a while, like he was making sure my body wasn’t going to switch on me again. My breathing was better, but I still felt tired in a way that had nothing to do with sleep.
When I finally sat back up, it was dark outside.
“Shit,” I blurted out. “I have to cook dinner, I need to lock back in with the girls.”
Love gave me a blank stare.
“No, you don’t, and you won’t.”
I tilted my head at him.
“You just had a panic attack. The only thing you need right now is a break,” he said, getting outta bed. “I’ma go pick us up some food, all that wedding shit, and your phone is staying in the living room, and you are stayin in the bed.”
Love studied my face for a second with a blank stare.
“Okay, baby, I will stay in bed.”
Love leaned down, kissed me, and walked out of the room.
After letting Amir know I was okay, I heard him grab his things, then the first door shut.
I got comfortable in the bed, trying to find something to watch, but was unable to find something that would hold my attention. My mind was on everything: work, the wedding, Love, Amir, maybe a baby because I haven’t been feeling my best, moving into a house whenever he closed on it.
Everything felt too good to be true again, like at some point and time, everything was going to fall apart.
I didn’t voice any of that to Love. As a matter of fact, when he came back in the room, all the feelings I had went away.
“Iight,” he said, placing a lot of food on the bed. “Amir wanted Wing Stop, but I got us some pizza, wings, a soda cause I know you haven’t had any caffeine, and for dessert, I got you some cookies and…”
He walked outta the room and walked back in. “I got you some flowers, just because.”
I got up off the bed and wrapped my arms around Love’s neck.
“I am so blessed to have you.”
Love smiled, holding me back. “I am the blessed one, baby, and you know I’ma make sure you are taken care of.”
I nodded. “And you do. I love you for that and so much more.”
Love smiled. And we hopped back into bed. He put on Dead Presidents, and we ate all the food that he bought while talking about TikToks we watched, and the room filled with laughter.
After a while, Amir came.
“Are you okay?” he asked before sitting on the bed.
I nodded through bites. “I am okay. I am sorry if I scared you,” I responded.
He smiled. “As long as you’re okay, I am good.”
The rest of the evening, we all laid in the bed, talking, watching movies until Amir switched it to ESPN to catch basketball highlights while he talked about his game coming up.
“Are you coming to my game?” he asked me.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, Love was asleep, and Amir was still in our bed but knocked out.
I cleaned up the boxes from dinner and took them to the kitchen, put them in the trash, and then I stood there looking at my mess around the living room and my phone and notebook on the island.
I looked at it all, even the messages I missed from my girls, and I could feel my heart inching up to my throat.
“I don’t know if I can do all of this,” I mumbled to myself.
I knew what I wanted, but at the moment, I didn’t know if I could handle it, knowing that Love would be so understanding. I’ve come too far to turn around now.
After all I went through with Gio, and he was finally leaving me alone, our big peaceful wedding was supposed to be the beginning of mine and Love’s next chapter. Hopefully the stress didn’t take me out first.