Chapter 43
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
LEVI
After everything Harper had seen on the beach, I knew she had questions.
And I knew it was far past time for me to open up about the demons that had been plaguing me for years.
But I was too raw right now, too exposed.
The truths that had been buried inside me for so long were now dislodged, jagged and sharp, but still present. Still there.
And right now, after everything that had happened, all I wanted was her and the reminder that she was mine.
For now, she was mine.
More than anything, I wanted—needed—the comfort of her arms tonight. The comfort only she could provide.
Harper seemed to sense that I didn’t want to talk, being silently supportive as we made our way back home.
The thought jolted me. I hadn’t thought of a place as home in so long.
The house I’d grown up in, had made so many memories in, had been haunted by ghosts that plagued me whether I was there or not.
But this space, with her? Felt like home.
I shut the apartment door behind us, but Harper didn’t let me step another foot into the space before she turned on me.
She pressed her hand against my chest, directly over my heart, directly over her sparrow, and looked up at me. Really looked, her eyes searching for something I wasn’t sure I could give her. Finally, she whispered, “What do you need from me?”
No hesitation, no judgment. Just the unequivocal promise in her voice that no matter what it was, no matter what I asked for, she would give it to me.
The problem was, I needed everything from her.
I needed to be her first hello in the morning and her last kiss goodnight.
Needed that bright smile she shot my way every time her eyes landed on me.
Needed her laughter and her hugs and her whispered words.
The cuddles on the couch I didn’t ever want with anyone else.
I needed her everything.
But I couldn’t tell her that. Not with words.
I couldn’t lay everything out for her and let her see into the darkest crevices of my mind.
Not after everything that had happened tonight.
Not when she was leaving next week. So instead, I laid myself bare as best I could…
let her think I meant only the physical.
“You,” I said. “I just need you right now.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and tugged me into a hug, embracing me with her entire being. It was one of the things I loved most about her. She put her whole body into it, made me feel like I was the only person in the world.
I buried my face in her neck, breathing her in as I held her to me. So grateful we had this time, no matter how fleeting it was. Lifting her feet off the floor, I tapped her ass so she’d wrap her legs around my waist. And then I strode us both toward the bedroom, her lips already on mine.
We stripped each other slowly, the usual frenzy between us absent. In its place was something softer. Something sweeter…something more intimate. And I sank into it. I felt it. Felt her and allowed myself to be vulnerable enough so she could feel me, too.
We didn’t speak as I sank inside her, nothing more than soft gasps and groans as we linked our fingers and moved together. But I allowed my body to say what I couldn’t yet voice.
I was in love with this woman, had been my entire life. So fucking devoted to her. And it no longer mattered if I thought I wasn’t good enough, because she deserved someone who strived to be. She deserved someone who worked through their issues, exorcized their demons, and became better. For her.
And I was sure as hell going to try.
The room was bright when I finally stirred the next morning. I woke slowly, my body heavy and my mind an unfocused mess of thoughts, except the one that never failed to greet me with complete clarity, day in and day out.
It should have been me.
I reached for Harper, finding her side of the bed not only empty but cold.
In the time she’d been staying here, especially since she’d begun sleeping in my bed, she’d never once woken up before me.
Usually, I’d slip out of bed after brushing a kiss on her shoulder and head into the main room to read or screw around until I heard her shuffling in here.
Then I’d prep her morning coffee, just how she liked it, and set it out for her.
She’d come out, bleary-eyed and beautiful, and shoot me a soft, sleepy smile the second her gaze landed on me.
Seriously, what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this woman, and why wasn’t she lying here with me?
Then, all at once, yesterday came back to me in a rush.
Taking Harper with me to the beach. My family reminiscing about Mom.
Our father showing up and demanding things he had no right to.
Me confessing the secret I’d kept locked up tight for more than a decade, that guilt I’d carried with me like an albatross around my neck.
For so long, I’d hoarded the pain, clinging to the blame I’d placed on myself because I deserved it.
I’d tucked it deep inside where no one could see.
But yesterday, it had all come out. Every awful, painful secret.
Every whispered thought I had—shame and regret pouring out of me once the dam had broken, all for my siblings to witness.
But they hadn’t turned away. They hadn’t yelled or screamed at me for what I’d done. They hadn’t cut me out of their lives. Hadn’t thrown me away like I’d been secretly fearing for years.
Instead, they’d embraced me. Held me as I’d broken down, right there in front of them.
And then, they’d tried to take some of the burden I’d been carrying for years.
Over and over again, they’d told me it wasn’t my fault.
That I shouldn’t blame myself. And that they didn’t—would never—want it to be me.
And Harper had seen it all. She’d heard it all. Every painful word torn from my throat.
Which meant I had nowhere left to hide.
I scrubbed a hand over my face, shame and unease churning in my gut. Yesterday, after she’d witnessed me baring my soul, she hadn’t judged me for it. She’d held me close, had let me inside her. We’d fallen asleep curled around each other, no words spoken, but I didn’t think we’d needed them.
Now, though, in the light of day, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d see things differently since she knew at least part of the truth. Would she still see me as the man she’d once loved, or had I become a stranger to her overnight?
For too long, I lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out how to share this gaping, festering wound with her.
But the truth was, there was no easy way.
No polish I could put on this stain inside me, nothing to make it shine.
These thoughts were the most difficult parts of me, like tar coating my insides, and there was no way to make them anything but ugly.
When I could no longer make excuses for why I hadn’t gotten up, I finally rolled out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and strode out into the kitchen. Prepared to handle whatever questions Harper threw at me, because she deserved the truth.
But instead of badgering inquiries or cool detachment, she greeted me with troubled eyes and a tentative smile. My beautiful girl worrying about me.
I walked over to where she sat at the breakfast bar, cupped my hand around her neck, and pressed my thumb under her chin to tip her face up to me. Though it was clear she tried, she couldn’t hide the concern etched across her features, that divot between her brows, or the worry in her eyes.
She rested her hands on my hips, her thumbs brushing lightly back and forth against my skin just above my waistband. “Morning.”
I leaned down, pressing my lips to hers and pouring as much love into the kiss as possible. Because I’d been right last night. Now was not the time to tell her how I felt. Actually, never was the time to tell her how I felt, despite it thrumming like its own heartbeat inside me.
She was set to leave in just days, and it wasn’t fair of me to pile that on her before she went. Not when this was the life she’d chosen. Not one that had been chosen for her.
Finally, I pulled back even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. “Morning, sparrow.”
After dropping one more soft kiss on her lips, I sat on the stool perpendicular to her and raised a brow at the steaming cup of coffee in front of me. “Isn’t this my job?”
She smiled at me. “You’re not the only one who’s been paying attention to coffee orders.”
I lifted the cup to my mouth, hiding a grin behind it, and took a sip. One sugar and more than a splash of cream, exactly how I liked it. “Thank you. I’m not used to sleeping this late, but I guess I needed it.”
And now that I’d acknowledged it, the pink elephant was front and center in the room. No more avoiding.
Clearing my throat, I set the mug on the counter and wrapped my hands around it before forcing myself to meet her eyes, afraid of what I’d find. But all that greeted me was worry. “I’m sure you want answers after yesterday.”
She shook her head and reached out, curling her fingers around my forearm. “You don’t owe me anything.”
I huffed out a laugh and shook my head. “Next to my family, I owe it to you the most.”
She darted her gaze over my face, though I wasn’t sure what she was looking for. Finally, she said, “Then talk to me. Tell me as much or as little as you want.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about at the beginning?”
That made the most sense, but it also meant telling her about that night—the night I simultaneously tried never to think about and yet couldn’t ever shove out of my mind.
The one that filled my nightmares, a never-ending loop of not being able to get to Mom in time, her not hearing me scream for her from the shore, her not seeing me when I was standing right next to her.
In my nightmares, it didn’t matter what I did. She still ended up dead.