Chapter 43 #2
“I was so fucked up that night. Pissed at the world and taking it out on everyone,” I finally said, shaking my head. “I wanted to go to some stupid party on one of the islands because I wanted to get wasted and block out everything.”
She furrowed her brow. “What was going on? What happened that day that you needed to avoid?”
I thought back to it, before the worst had happened. Could recall the exact emotions swimming in my gut. Relief and regret and complete hopelessness, because I’d known it was over. For real and for good.
“It was the day the sold sign went up in your yard.” I braced my forearms on the counter and glanced over to her.
“I’d been the one to push you away, but part of me hoped you’d come back.
That day, I knew you were never going to.
And even though it was exactly what I wanted for you, it still hurt like hell. ”
I cleared my throat, staring into my coffee mug as I relived the worst twenty-four hours of my life.
“Mom and I got in a fight about it. I wanted to pick up Chase and head over on the boat, but a big storm was coming. She told me I knew the rules, and what made me think she was going to allow me to break them? And I…” I shook my head, recalling every cruel word I’d said to her.
Each one like a knife in my heart. “I was a complete asshole. I told her it was stupid that I was nineteen years old and still living by Mommy’s rules.
That I was a fucking adult and should be treated like one.
That I should be able to do whatever I wanted.
” I huffed out a humorless laugh. “I actually said that to her. Just before I told her it was all bullshit and stalked off. I didn’t know that’d be the last time I’d ever see her. ”
Tears filled my eyes, and I didn’t even bother trying to hold them back. It was no use, not when I was talking about this. Harper kept her hand on my forearm, the soft brush of her thumb against my skin soothing in a way that allowed me to continue.
“She left to run an errand in town, and I ignored her when she knocked on my door to tell me. While she was gone, Addison asked me to take her to Morgan’s—you remember she and Chase’s sister were close back then?
Anyway, since I couldn’t go to the party on the island, Chase’s was the next best place.
So I agreed. I told Dad to let Mom know where we were.
I’d never trusted him with anything in my life, but I was still so fucking mad at her and too goddamn stubborn for my own good.
The next morning, I got a wake-up call from Brady at the Lockharts’, and he told me to come home immediately. ”
I swallowed several times, attempting to force back the emotions clawing their way up my throat, but there was no escaping them.
Nowhere left to run. “The second I walked into the house, I knew something was wrong. For one thing, all my brothers were there. They’d all moved out by then, and not even Mom’s blueberry muffins could get them there before 8.
And then I spotted my dad on the couch. His arm was hanging over the side, mouth wide open, completely dead to the world.
And I knew. I just knew Mom had never gotten my message. ”
“But you have to know that wasn’t your fault,” Harper said, her voice rough. “Your dad didn’t deliver it. But you tried, Levi.”
“What I did was pawn it off on the man I’d always known I couldn’t count on. And I was right. The one time I tried, we paid the biggest price.”
Harper made a gruff sound in her throat, and she squeezed my arm. “I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying this, but it’s not your burden to bear.”
“If not mine, then whose? For years, I’ve asked myself so many questions, trying to figure out why it happened the way it did.
Why did she have to run into town? If she’d been home, I could’ve told her myself.
And why didn’t she call the Lockharts to see if Addison and I were there before she took off on the water?
Why was her first instinct that I’d fucked up?
That I’d done exactly what she’d specifically told me not to? ”
But I already knew the answer to that, because I’d been fucking up for years by then. Ever since I’d pushed Harper away, I’d been drunk or high or both, doing what I wanted whenever I pleased with little regard for the rules my mom had set out. With little regard for anything at all.
“Levi…” Harper said, the heartbreak clear in her voice.
No doubt because she realized exactly how fucked up I was.
After everything I’d shared, finally believing I was the one to blame.
“I don’t know why your mom did what she did that night, and we never will.
You and I both know I did not grow up with a shining example of loving parents.
But I did feel that here, with her. That was why I was drawn to you and your family in the first place.
Even when I was ten years old, I could see how much she loved you.
She would’ve done absolutely anything for you. ”
She reached for my hand and held it between hers, squeezing gently until I met her eyes.
“So there’s not a doubt in my mind that when she came home and found you and Addison missing while a storm was raging, her first thought wasn’t rational.
Her first and only thought was getting you home safely because she loved you both beyond reason. ”
Her words sank in, an avenue I’d never allowed myself to venture down. Because if that was true, that meant my mom died because she’d loved me too much. And the last words I’d ever said to her were This is bullshit.
“Why does that make it so much worse?” I asked, voice breaking.
“That night at Chase’s was the last time I got blackout drunk.
Because I don’t deserve to dull this pain.
Not after what I did. And I’ve sat with it every moment of every day since.
Wondering the entire time why my mom’s dead and not me. Wanting it to be me.”
With tears brimming in her eyes, Harper stood and cupped my jaw in her hands, tipping my face back to hers. “Oh, Levi.”
Then, without a word, she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight while I fell apart for the second time in as many days.
When I was wrung out, feeling like little more than a husk of a human being, Harper and I lay on our sides on the couch, our legs entwined.
One of her hands resting on my chest, the other on the small of my back as I held her close.
I pressed my nose to the crown of her head and breathed her in, taking her scent deep into my lungs.
So grateful she hadn’t bailed when everything had come tumbling out of me. So grateful she was still here with me.
“How’re you feeling?” she asked, her breath soft against my chest, her fingers tickling lightly on my back.
“Like I’ve been run over a couple times.” I reached up and brushed her hair back, tipping her head so I could look into her eyes. “How’re you feeling? I dumped a lot on you.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she bit her bottom lip as it started to wobble.
“Sparrow…” I kissed her trembling lip, searching her eyes. “What is it?”
“I’m scared. For you. Scared of what the future might bring.
Scared you’ve been struggling with this for so long.
Struggling alone. I know our traumas are vastly different, and the grief of losing a mother you loved versus losing the life I never wanted to have are two very different things.
But therapy helped me come to terms with it.
And I think it’d help you, too. Not just to deal with the grief of losing your mom but to get a handle on these intrusive thoughts.
Because as much as I want to take them from you or magically wipe them away, I know I can’t.
But I also don’t want to lose you.” Her voice broke on the last word, the tears finally spilling over, and my heart cracked in two. Just split straight down the middle.
“You’re not going to lose me, sparrow. I promise.
I’m going to be here as long as you want me.
” I caught her tears with my lips, pressing a kiss to both her cheeks, her eyes, then her forehead.
“It’s hard to explain, but my thoughts have never been active.
I’ve never planned anything out, never taken it past contemplations.
I swear I haven’t.” I cleared my throat, readying myself to say aloud what I never had before.
“But you’re right. I do need help. These thoughts have run my life for so long, I don’t remember what it was like before them. ”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and navigated to an email I’d had saved for years.
One I pulled up a couple times a month but never went any further with.
I handed my phone to Harper and watched her scan the contents, realization lighting in her eyes.
“Marianne sent me a list of therapists a few years ago. Back before I was in a place to listen.”
Back before I thought I deserved any kind of help.
But between my siblings and Harper, I now wondered if that had only been a lie I told myself. And while I couldn’t yet shake the feeling that I still deserved to carry this burden, I was at least now open to the possibility of someone changing my mind.
And at this point, that was as good as I could do.
With a soft smile, Harper wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tight. “I think that’s a great first step.”