50. Alex
CHAPTER FIFTY
alex
Jake walks into his house, and I follow him, mentally preparing to tell Chelsi the same information I just shared with him.
When he agreed to speak with me outside, he spent the first couple of minutes yelling at me for being an asshole and breaking Chelsi’s heart.
Once I explained the situation, he calmed down and agreed Chelsi needed to know; whether she wanted anything to do with me afterward was completely up to her.
But he was at least willing to let me into the house and convince her to give me a chance to explain myself.
“What is he doing in here, Jake?” Kate asks, her eyes narrow and a glare that could kill a man pointed in my direction. “Why would you let him inside after what he did?”
“Chelsi needs to hear him out,” Jake says calmly, attempting to defuse the situation.
Kate scoffs. “You’re taking his side? You can’t be serious.”
Chelsi’s silent, her back facing me, almost like she doesn’t dare look at me. I don’t blame her. I’ve royally fucked up our relationship, and the guilt will eat at me for the rest of my life.
Jake sighs, crossing the living room to stand in front of the couch, where Kate’s sitting. He crouches, placing his hands on her legs. “It’s not what it seems.”
Kate crosses her arms.“So, he’s not married?”
“Technically, yes. But there’s more to the story.” Jake turns toward Chelsi. “Hear him out. If you want nothing to do with him after you know the truth, so be it. I’ll fire him, and you’ll never have to see Alex again.”
“He broke my heart, Jake,” Chelsi murmurs as her body shudders.
I clutch my chest, the unbearable pain of hearing her voice break kills me. How could I have been so stupid not to tell her about my past? If she doesn’t give me another chance, I deserve to be a miserable bastard for hurting her.
“I know he did, Chelsi. But you need to give him a chance to explain. You might feel differently once you hear the whole story.” Jake takes Chelsi’s hand and squeezes it. “Please, do this for me.”
Chelsi blows out a deep breath and nods.
“Come on, Kate.” Jake stands and holds out his hand to his wife. “Let’s give them some privacy.
“You want me to leave her alone with him? After everything he’s done?” Kate asks incredulously.
“Trust me, sweetheart. I’ll fill you in on everything in our bedroom.”
Kate takes a long look at Chelsi, then shifts her gaze to me. “If you hurt her again, I’ll make your life a living hell. I’ll have Anna do whatever voodoo magic she possesses to destroy you.”
I swallow hard, clutching my hands against my shorts. “I’m already in hell, knowing how much I hurt her. I won’t do it again. I promise.”
Kate stands and follows him out of the living room, leaving Chelsi and me alone. The silence is deafening.
Finally, I have the opportunity to speak to the woman I love, but I’m paralyzed with fear. Completely unsure of how to begin this. How to lay my heart on the line and get her to understand that while the optics look like shit, it’s not what it seems.
Blinking back tears, I walk around the couch and take a seat on the opposite end. Although I’d love to pull her into my arms and beg her to forgive me, I know she needs space for this, and I at least owe her that much.
My chest constricts, making it difficult to breathe as I place my hands on my lap, one on top of the other.
My entire future will depend on how she responds to what I’m about to say.
If she can see that there was never any malintent behind my actions.
Or if she determines the omission is an unforgivable offense, I’ll lose her forever.
The thought of never holding her again is like a dagger repeatedly being stabbed into my heart.
Pull yourself together, Alex. You can do this. Tell her the truth and let the cards fall where they may. You made your bed, now it’s time to lie in it.
“Chelsi, I’m incredibly sorry for hurting you. I never meant for you to find out like this.”
She lifts her head, meeting my gaze, her eyes filled with tears. “I doubt you ever wanted me to find out. How could you do this to me? I loved you.”
A sharp pain hits my chest so fiercely, it takes away my breath. She used the past tense. I might be too late. Oh God, I don’t know how I’ll survive losing her.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I force myself to inhale and exhale so I can continue without breaking down into a blubbering mess.
“I had always planned to tell you about Claire. I tried so many times to share more about my past, but you told me it wasn’t important. I used that as an excuse to kick the can down the road. To put off telling you about a decision I made a very long time ago. One that still impacts me today.”
Chelsi pulls her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly. “It’s not my fault you didn’t have the balls to tell me the truth. How could you think I’d be okay being your mistress? I thought you were the love of my life, Alex. My forever. But all I turned out to be was the other woman.”
“You were never the other woman, Chelsi. You’ve always been the only woman I’ve ever truly loved.”
“You’re married, Alex!” Chelsi shouts, her face blotchy from crying and her rising anger.
I sigh loudly. “Legally, I am married, but I’ve never considered Claire to be my wife.”
Chelsi’s brow crinkles. “Does she know that? Because she referred to herself as your wife on the phone.”
“Claire was being…well, Claire. She was pissed at me for avoiding her calls.”
“I wonder why…” Chelsi rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “I’d be pretty furious if my husband were living with another woman, too.”
I shake my head. “It’s not like that, Chelsi.
Let me explain…” I run a hand through my hair.
“Claire and I grew up in the foster care system together. We bonded over that shared experience and ended up dating our senior year of high school. She was my first kiss. The first person I slept with. My best friend.”
Chelsi presses her lips together in a line and tightly grips her arms. “She’s your high school sweetheart.” Her voice breaks slightly.
“Yes and no. I was never in love with her, not like I am with you. We only dated for a few months before realizing we were better off as friends.”
“Then why did you marry her?”
Blowing out a deep breath, I drag a hand down my face.
“When you turn eighteen in foster care, you age out of the system. Thankfully, our state allowed for continued benefits until we graduated from high school a couple of months later. After that, my plan was always to join the Marines, but that left Claire without any options. She couldn’t afford college, and there weren’t many well-paying job options in our small town. ”
My mind flashes back to the night I first brought up the idea to Claire.
We were scarfing down dinner during a break at the local pizza joint where we both worked part-time.
The pay was crap, but we got free food during our shifts.
It also helped me save up enough money for an old car that could get me from one place to another.
She thought my idea was insane, instantly refusing to go along with it.
But I convinced her over the next few weeks.
It was the only way I could take care of her. Her only option.
“When I did my research on the Marines, I learned there were numerous benefits to being married in the military, especially if you get married before enlisting. If Claire were my wife, we’d get a housing allowance while I was in boot camp, and she could be on my insurance.
At the time…” I exhale deeply, not taking my eyes off Chelsi.
“It seemed like a good idea when I was young and dumb. Claire thought it was crazy, but ultimately came around to it. We got married at the courthouse after we graduated from high school. A couple of weeks later, I headed off to boot camp.”
Chelsi chews on her lower lip, her face slightly softens as the tears stop falling.
“Marrying Claire was a pragmatic decision made by two young kids who were scared shitless about the future, and who didn’t have anyone in their corner.
We knew we weren’t in love with each other, not like you’re supposed to be with your spouse.
It was probably more akin to the love you have for Kate and Jake—merely platonic. ”
She tucks her legs underneath her, relaxing against the arm of the couch. “Then, why are you still married to her?”
“Our original plan was to stay married until she could build a foundation for her life—one where I knew she would survive and thrive on her own. I thought it might take a few years for that to happen, but life had other plans for Claire. During my first year in the Marines, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.”
Chelsi’s mouth opens partly as her hand covers her heart. “I’m… I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah. It was a pretty devastating blow for her. For me. We were lucky her doctor saw the signs when he did. It allowed her to start treatment right away. The more I researched the disease, the more I realized how imperative it was for Claire to have exceptional health insurance. That’s when I knew I’d have to stay legally married to her for the foreseeable future.
It’s why I’m still in the Marine Corps Reserves, too.
If I serve twenty consecutive years, and she’s married to me the entire time, then when I retire, she can keep her health benefits even after we divorce, as long as she never remarries. ”
“So…you’ve been married to her this entire time, so she’d have health insurance?”
I nod, biting my lower lip and trying to prevent myself from reaching across the couch to hold her.
“Claire is like a sister to me. I need to protect her. This was the best way I could do that. Over the years, she’s tried to convince me to divorce her, but I’ve refused.
There’s no way she could afford the medical care she needs on her own.
It wasn’t… It wasn’t until I told her about you that she became insistent on getting divorced. It’s why I’ve been avoiding her calls.”
Chelsi swallows hard. “What does she know about me? About us?”
My heart flutters for a second at hearing the word us, elated at the possibility she might be willing to give me another chance. One I would never take for granted.
“Claire and I talk a few times a year, mainly tied to when she’s having scans to check the progression of her disease.
She had one a few months ago, and I mentioned you.
How I was taken by your beauty, intelligence, and humor.
Claire immediately wanted to know more about you, claiming she’d never heard me fawn over a woman before.
Every couple of weeks, she’d call to ask how things were going with us.
She started pressuring me to divorce her so I could be legally free to marry you one day. ”
Chelsi trembles as a couple of tears fall down her face.
“A future with you is what I want more than anything, Chelsi. But…we’re so fucking close to the twenty-year mark.
I can’t let everything I’ve done to protect her be thrown away.
So, I stopped answering her calls and didn’t return her voicemails.
I figured she’d eventually let it go until we got through the next year or so. And then you answered my phone…”
“Yeah. It was quite a shock to hear she was your wife.”
“I can imagine. I should’ve told you. That’s one hundred percent on me. I was so scared you would run when you found out. I didn’t want to lose you, but I probably did by not telling you. Maybe I was never destined to have someone like you love me—at least not forever.”
“I deserved to know, Alex. You should’ve told me in the very beginning. Does anyone else know?”
“Just Zac. He found out a few years ago when one of Claire’s scans came back showing significant progression of the disease.
I was pretty broken up about it and confessed everything to him over one too many beers.
He encouraged me to tell you about the situation with Claire early on. I should’ve listened to him.”
“Yeah. Things might be different if you were more honest about all of it.” She pauses, covering her face with her hands before locking eyes with me again.
“I understand why you married her. Why you stayed married. Your kindness and desire to protect those you care about is one of the many reasons why I fell in love with you. I just don’t know… ”
“You don’t know what it means for us.”
“Yeah. I need time to process everything. Figure out what I want to do about my life. I don’t know whether I can go back to how things were with us.” Chelsi’s red-rimmed eyes brim with tears again as her lip trembles. “This is not what I wanted for our future.”
“Me neither, Chelsi. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’d be a fool not to beg you for it.
Please, give me one more chance. I promise I’ll never let you down again.
” I reach across the couch, taking her hand in mine, and let out an audible sigh of relief when she doesn’t stop me.
“You’re my entire world. Everything good in my life starts and ends with you. ”
“I think you should go, Alex. I appreciate you telling me the truth. I wish you’d done it a lot sooner,” Chelsi croaks, blinking back her tears.
I nod, smushing my lips together so tightly it hurts. It takes everything within me to let go of her hand and stand up. “I don’t want this to be goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye to you, Chelsi. No matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life. No one else will ever own my heart.”
Deciding to take one more risk, I press a kiss to her forehead and inhale her signature vanilla-and-floral scent, trying to commit it to memory in case it’s the last time I get to be this close to her.
“I love you, Chelsi. I will always love you.”
Putting one foot in front of the other, I force myself to walk out of the living room and through the front door.
Once I’m sitting in my truck, the tidal wave of grief hits me, and I can’t hold back the tears any longer.
Pain roars through every cell of my body as I cry out in a mix of sadness and anger.
Walking away from her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Knowing it might be the last time I see her wrecks me.
And I deserve to feel all of it.