10. Unwelcome
10
UNWELCOME
T hrough the leafless and gnarly branches of the trees, the wind blew, uncaring and unrelenting. A full head smaller than her friends, Elisa strolled across the playground, her chin held high. Mathias watched his sister through the windows of the cafeteria with a faint smile. She’d never succumbed to misery, even after their mom died. She was the only tough cookie in this family. Dad had checked out and withdrawn into himself, and though Mathias couldn’t deny their recent change of scenery had definitely benefited him, he was far from being the laid-back, dorky father he was before he lost his wife.
As for Mathias, he simply couldn’t remember who he was before. A part of him was still walking down that long corridor, his shoes squeaking across the linoleum, the dreaded door drawing closer and closer…
Lifting his fork to his mouth, Mathias bit into his french fries and grimaced. Soggy, tasteless, inedible. He looked down at his plate with a frown.
“Hang on a second… something’s different.” He turned to Eric and froze. His friend looked like he was about to explode. “Hey, have you?—”
"I had sex! With Zak !" Eric grabbed the edge of their table and shook it, sending pieces of food flying everywhere .
Xavier dropped his fork into his pasta. "Woah!"
"That’s right!"
After letting it all out, Eric finally seemed at ease. His cheeks glowing, he propped his chin in his hand with a contented sigh. Slowly closing his eyes, Mathias also sighed, but it was an expression of lassitude.
“I was talking about the food. The food’s different.”
“Ah.” Eric glanced down at his plate, then immediately back up. “But?—”
“No.”
“Matt.”
“Uh-uh. I don’t want to know.”
Xavier leaned forward. “I’d like to know!”
What a surprise. Mathias threw him a dark look and thought he should consider himself lucky he didn’t throw him his fist instead.
“What?” Xavier met his hostility with a dumb smile. “I was there, remember?”
Mathias blinked. “What?”
“Can you not remind me of that?” Eric asked, wrinkling his nose.
“I wasn’t in the room! I didn’t hear or see anything!”
“Anyway…” He gave Xavier a warning look. “It happened at Zak’s birthday party. And I tried to keep it to myself for as long as possible, but…”
“You’ve managed to keep silent for more than a week,” Mathias grumbled. “I guess it’s impressive enough?—”
“Nine days! And I almost died! Zak told me I could tell someone before my blood pressure gets out of control.”
Mathias thought Eric looked a bit pent up last week, that’s true. He also didn’t spend more than two minutes with Mathias outside of class, who then had plenty of time to be trapped with his own thoughts. Now, he understood why: they had probably found a hiding place somewhere at school where they could… do to each other what Mathias and Alberto used to do. What a disheartening thought.
“So… what happened?” Xavier asked, his eyes bright. “How does it work? Did you do butt things to his butt?”
“Hey!” Eric took on airs. “That’s obviously classified.” He winked at Mathias in a way that hinted he’d tell him all about it later.
Mathias grimaced and crushed his french fries under his fork. Why the fuck would he want to know ?
“Why did you bring up the subject if you don’t want to tell?” Xavier whined, pushing his plate away.
“Don’t,” Mathias said. “Stop indulging his little gay fantasy.”
“What?” Xavier looked shocked. “I don’t have a gay fantasy.”
“You don’t? Really?” His clueless expression was an insult to him. “Just go suck a dick, okay? You’ll do us all a favor.”
Eric’s mouth fell open. “Mathias!”
Xavier tut-tutted. “My dude, you are very aggressive.”
“So leave, please! Piss off! Go hang out with someone else!”
“Why?” He took on a wounded expression. “Why can’t I hang out with you?”
Eric poked Mathias. “Yeah, why?”
The looks on their faces finally got through to him. Noting his french fries had turned into mashed potatoes, he gave in with a sigh. “I’m sorry. Forget it.”
By all means, they should let Xavier take notes on whatever Eric and Zak did together. Then, the next time he’d feel like it, he could just grab Alberto and practice with him and then pretend he wasn’t into guys at all. Hypocrite .
Claiming he felt unappreciated, Xavier left anyway. Eric turned on Mathias the moment he was gone. “Stop stabbing your food. Look at me.”
“No. I hate looking at you.”
“No one hates looking at me. I’m too cute. What’s going on? How come you’re not even happy for me?”
Mathias glanced at his friend and realized he was being a dick. “I guess… I mean, of course I’m happy for you.”
“Good!” Eric stole his hotdog, removed the sausage from the bun, and shoved it straight into his mouth. “You know, I feel like all my problems have been solved now. Like I’m at peace with the world.” He returned the empty bun to Mathias’s plate.
Lucky bastard , the latter thought with envy. If having sex was the key to solving problems, then all his troubles should have vanished the moment he first slammed Alberto against that wall, but it seemed, to him, it was the opposite.
“You know jerking off does exactly the same thing to you, right?” he said in a bitter tone.
One eyebrow quirked, Eric briefly pondered his words, then burst out laughing. “Sure. You almost had me there for a second.” He poked Mathias again. “Anyway, now that I solved my problems, I’ll have more time to fix yours.”
“Bitch, I don’t have any problems, okay?”
“ Bitch , you are a walking problem. If you don’t get help now, you’re gonna turn into Kayvin.”
Mathias didn’t know whether he should laugh or shout.
“Maybe you should go and suck a dick,” Eric said. “Might help you! Just sayin’.” He broke into another laugh, then caught sight of Mathias’s face and immediately turned serious. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You don’t have to… ahem… suck anything unless you want to. It’s just, I’m your best buddy, and I couldn’t help but notice… You see, you looked sad after the holidays, then you looked sort of happy—you did, really—but now you look sad again. What’s going on?”
“I… I have mood swings.”
Eric’s eyes widened; he lowered his voice. “Like a girl…?”
Mathias threw his fork to the side. “I need a new friend.”
His last remark wasn’t too well received, and he had to apologize and even hug his friend in the middle of the cafeteria. Only then did Eric’s tears magically disappear.
“ Who are you?” Mathias grumbled, feeling used.
“Come on now.” Eric slipped his arm around his shoulder. “I’m here for you, if you need to talk.”
What was there to talk about? Mathias was so thoroughly confused by everything that happened since the day he transferred to this school. He couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. The whole weekend, he paced in his room, trying to understand what he saw—if he even saw right, because it was dark, and late, and he was intoxicated—but it was what it was. He saw Alberto and his stepdad kissing. Even drunk, he couldn’t have made that up because it was, in fact, unimaginable.
“Ah, Mathias…” Eric sighed as they were leaving the cafeteria. “Today’s the best day of my life.”
“ Today ?” Mathias took out his pack of smokes and his lighter. “ Today ’s the best day of your life?”
“Yeah…”
He struggled to light his cigarette, to no avail. “Today, really?”
“Yeah, why?”
“The day you tell me you’ve slept with Zak is better than the day you actually slept with him?” Mathias tossed away his lighter with a curse .
Eric watched it fly over his head with a perplexed expression. “Oh, wait… maybe not.”
“You’re a dumbass, you know that?”
Eric, giggling, was about to say something, but Zak appeared just at that moment. If Mathias didn’t know before, he would for sure now. Zak and Eric were staring at each other like they had discovered the cure for cancer. It was unbearable. And Mathias kept hearing Alberto’s voice in his head, whispering in his devil’s tongue, “Ask him about his butthole.”
“Goddamn it!”
Deciding he should remain inside after all, Mathias shoved the door open with both hands, leaving the shocked pair behind. He heard Zak ask, “What the hell?”
“Mood swings,” Eric replied as the door shut.
After repeating Alberto was the definition of arrogance to himself so many times, it surprised Mathias how easy it had been to get rid of him. It took two and a half days of not answering his text messages, two more days of avoiding meeting his eyes when they crossed paths in the school’s corridors, and only one embarrassing occasion where he abruptly turned around and fled at the sight of him, and the job was done. Alberto didn’t whine, nor did he send a string of insulting messages, as Mathias half-expected. Though it was entirely possible that he simply didn’t care enough—and in a way, that was a relief, because Mathias simply couldn’t look at him anymore. He just couldn’t.
Mathias could only hope Alberto would never find out about his cowardice and simply move on with his life. He had probably already found another hook-up—hopefully not Xavier, there were limits—or returned to his other ones, who knew? Mathias had once stood on the edge of the pool as Kayvin pushed Alberto in the water, paralyzed for some reason. The second time he fucked up was worse: if Alberto’s stepfather was some sort of molesting pervert and Mathias just stood there and watched, he had no right to ever look at Alberto in the eye again, never mind putting his hands on him.
If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. Christ, how could he forget Alberto’s words now? If he had meant that day that his first lover was his mother’s husband, Mathias would never recover. He wouldn’t . Guilt would eat at him until he would have nowhere to hide. It wouldn’t just ruin his relationship with Alberto, it would ruin everything else .
And what about the bruises he’d seen that time they showered together? Were they a result of sex with another lover, or worse? Only now did Mathias realize how sheltered he was growing up. As a kid, he had been vaguely aware of the sharp glint in his mother’s eye when she let him and Ella play in the park. She was never not watching them. He had seen movies going on and on about how little girls and women were constantly in danger. They felt like pure fantasy to him—horror stories, really—because he couldn’t fully understand what these monsters wanted from them, but at least he got the idea. This was different: the thought of a boy being abused hadn’t occurred to him until last weekend; he had genuinely never thought about it. Now, he couldn’t think of anything else.
Mathias’s only hope for salvation was that Alberto wasn’t molested at all and that their kiss was consensual. His memory was blurry, but he recalled Alberto’s arms were hooked around the man’s neck, not unlike what he did when he and Mathias kissed. In that case, Mathias was well rid of him, and he should even congratulate himself on dodging a bullet. After all, that night, he was about to ask him the impossible. Since then, he learned confusion was like a bottomless well, and the more he tried to claw his way out, the deeper he was doomed to fall.
After his terrible lunch at the cafeteria, he spent two hours of economics grappling with his own disturbing thoughts, and Xavier’s return after class did nothing to ease his mood. Xavier wasn’t supposed to be here; he wasn’t even in their class, but he’d turned into sticky rice lately, always glued to them for no reason. So annoying .
He and Eric walked along the corridors, chattering on about their next football game against the American High School of Paris, while Mathias followed Eric with his head down. His heart sunk when he recalled they had math class, and so did Zak. For this period, their classrooms were right next to each other, which meant that if Mathias and Camille stood in front of them and acted like a shield, Eric could kiss Zak without anyone noticing, right before embarking for two hours of geometry.
On their good days, Mathias used that time to share secret glances with Alberto and build up some tension that they usually released in the infirmary after class. Today, he tried his hardest to ignore both his friends making out and Camille’s relentless attempts to convince him to star in her next movie. Alberto was standing just behind her, and Mathias had to keep his eyes fixed on a distant point down the corridor to avoid laying eyes on him .
An unwelcome sight as usual, Kayvin strolled by with his friend Steph and stopped to shake Xavier’s hand. Zak immediately pushed Eric away, and an awkward silence ensued. Kayvin didn’t know how to exist without having an f joke to throw around, but perhaps because of the look Mathias gave him the last time he insulted Eric on the pitch, he opted to go for another victim.
Oblivious to the world, Alberto had dozed off against the wall. He was a professional sleeper, after all, and like those in the military, he could catch some z’s pretty much anywhere and in any position. Mathias knew that, just like he knew the little faces he could pull when he was worn out after a good tumble. But this time, Kayvin spotted him before Mathias could understand his intentions, and he didn’t waste a second blowing into his whistle right by his ear. The shrill sound had Alberto and half of the students in the corridor jump out of their skin in fright.
“Wake up!” Kayvin shook the whistle before Alberto’s eyes.
Mathias had seen his demon in all sorts of states, but never afraid. And no matter how fast he schooled his expression and even somehow managed to smirk at Kayvin, Mathias saw how pale he’d become. Mathias turned to Kayvin, his own fists shaking.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
To his shock, someone had spoken before him. Xavier was in Kayvin’s face before Mathias had even opened his mouth. Kayvin stared back at his friend, his eyes wide with disbelief. Alberto ignored them both, pushed past them with a barely audible “Excuse me,” and was immediately absorbed by the throng of students. Without thinking, Mathias followed him, but when he was about to barge into the men’s room after him, he found Xavier right at his heel.
“What do you want?” Mathias barked, blocking his way.
“I’m going to check on him!” Xavier furrowed his brow. “What are you doing here?”
“I… uh… I need to take a piss.”
Xavier shrugged like that didn’t concern him at all and rushed to Alberto’s side, who looked displeased to see them both. Despite the tempest of emotions raging within him, Mathias had to pretend to take a leak, so he stomped toward the urinals. Xavier hugged Alberto and spoke to him in a hushed tone.
“Are you all right?”
Mathias witnessed the scene in the mirror with gritted teeth. In his opinion, Xavier’s concern was out of this world. He never contradicted Kayvin about anything, never even batted an eyelid whenever his friend was acting out, but now he was rushing to Alberto’s side like he gave a shit.
“I’m fine,” Alberto said. He did sound fine. He sounded bored even.
No one would like to be woken up by having a whistle blown into their ear, fair enough, but it’s not like it was the end of the world either. Xavier didn’t need to fuss over him like this, and he clearly didn’t need to touch him so much.
“Are you sure?” Xavier lifted his hand toward Alberto’s face, who lurched to the side.
“Leave me alone.”
When he was absolutely certain Alberto wasn’t dying, Xavier left with reluctant steps, and Mathias could stop pretending to pee. When Alberto noticed his gaze on his trembling hands, he slowly hid them in his pockets. Mathias felt the garment looked familiar and realized it was his black hoodie, the one he gave him at the museum. His determination fell to pieces.
The next second, their lips were locked together, and Alberto was pulling him into a stall, using his foot to shut the door.
There was desperation in that kiss, coming from either or both of them; Mathias wasn’t sure who, but he could taste it. He thought the desperate one was definitely him; his guilt rushed back and stole a groan from his chest. He pushed Alberto away. “Stop, stop.”
Alberto pressed himself against him. “For a second, I thought you didn’t find me hot anymore.”
Shut the fuck up pollito, you infernal freak. Did I ever tell you how much I hate you sometimes… How he wanted to tell him that!
“Zak and Eric finally had sex,” he said instead, clenching his fists.
Alberto chuckled. “Tell me something I don’t know.” He tilted his head. “Did you ask Zak about his butthole?” His eyes widened when Mathias slapped his hands over his own face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Why did he sound so soft? Was he always like this? Mathias always assimilated his voice to a demon’s seductive whisper, but it sounded pretty gentle, actually. And now wasn’t the right time to think about that.
“I’m fine,” Mathias said gruffly.
“So, when are we meeting up?” Alberto ran his hands over Mathias’s shoulders, down the length of his arms, and settled on his wrists. “You said you’d give me a good pounding, and then you disappeared. ”
“I don’t…”
“What?” His hands left his wrists and caressed their way upwards until he threw his arms around his neck to steal a kiss. Mathias couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his blood pounding in his ears. When Alberto slipped his fingers into the band on his boxers, he abruptly pushed him away.
“I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.”
Alberto gave Mathias an appraising, calculating look, like he was trying to determine how serious he really was. “Why? We’re so good at it.”
That was the problem with this bastard. He could never shut his mouth when he was asked to. Mathias growled under his breath like a threatened animal. “I just don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“Sure…” Alberto rolled his eyes. “Or… you could tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll make it up to you and save us both some time.” Mathias felt his fingertips graze the zipper of his jeans, and he shuddered.
“You’ve done nothing wrong.” He pushed Alberto’s hand away. “I’m just… done with it all.”
Alberto’s eyes narrowed, but at least he drew back. “What is this? What happened at Eric’s party, Mathias? What happened afterwards?”
Mathias gave a quick shake of the head. “Nothing.”
They were alone in that stall, barely enough space between them. Mathias knew he had to say something to him, or Alberto wouldn’t let him leave. It made sense: if their roles were reversed, Mathias would have wanted answers, too.
“Come on…” Alberto insisted. “What did you see?” Mathias cast his eyes down, his heart beating erratically in his chest. He couldn’t say it, but strangely enough, Alberto reached a conclusion on his own and let out a joyless laugh. “I think I know what you saw now. Look, it’s not as bad as it seems…”
“ Look ,” Mathias cut in, suddenly filled with irrepressible terror. “It seems to me your life is complicated as it is, so…”
Mathias wanted to say, Ask me for help, ask me, and I’ll help you , but that would mean hearing Alberto’s confession. His shame and his cowardice teamed up and won over his bad conscience, forcing his lips shut.
“Right,” Alberto said, lifting his chin. “I get it, I get it.” His voice fell to a whisper. “Kiss goodbye?”
Mathias accidentally met his eyes and found them unfeeling and cold. His lip was vaguely curled, as if the situation was amusing somehow.
“No,” he croaked out, sick to his stomach.
Seemingly convinced Mathias was serious, Alberto cruelly dismissed him with a “ Pfft ,” before sliding out of the stall.