22 #3
There are parts of that speech I want to hold onto, like all the evidence he’s been watching me over these last few days, capturing moments of me in his mind.
Then I focus on the overall point he’s making and the dangerous emotions his words evoke in me.
The images that invade my mind as I picture the possibilities he’s laid out. But I shut it all down.
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ I say, trying to push past him again and this time he lets me, only to follow me down the hall as his voice gets louder.
‘Okay, maybe I am being ridiculous. I know we barely know each other, but why not say yes anyway? What are you so afraid of?’
‘Afraid? I’m not afraid,’ I fire back much too quickly to sound believable.
Is that what it really comes down to? Fear? Every decision I’ve made in my life has been made in an attempt to be smart. Lord knows that’s part of why I hung onto Adam for so many years, trying in vain to get us to work because a relationship was part of my plan.
‘And you’re wrong, I am happy.’
I cross my arms and he stares back at me, eyebrows raised.
‘Are you? You’re saying there’s nothing else you want? Nothing you’d be able to find by staying out here?’
He stands at the other end of the hall looking at me with his head tilted towards the window and that view, which he was right that I want to sit and stare at all day. To explore every inch of it with pencils and paint.
‘Not all of us have the money to only think about what we want, Rory. Some of us have to think about people other than ourselves.’
I want to take it back as soon as I’ve said it and register the mix of surprise and hurt that crosses his face.
I know it’s not a fair thing to say, especially after he opened up about how responsible he feels for everyone who works here, but at the same time, he exists in this world that’s totally separate to mine.
‘So that’s it? You’re going to walk out now, and then I’m never going to see you again?’
When he puts it like that, the knife that I’ve stabbed in my own heart twists deeper. But what’s the alternative? What he’s suggesting? That I jump up and abandon my life back home and stay here with him? It’s unthinkable.
Who’s to say that in a week he’ll not get bored of me, and what then?
Would the magic of this place disappear without him experiencing it beside me, showing me every secret hideaway he knows, and would I then be even worse off than I was before?
I’d return home anyway, potentially out of a job, well overstaying my welcome on Tilly’s floor, adding this fling to my list of failed romantic endeavours alongside my seven-year relationship with Adam, and watching my mum and dad count the pennies to make the mortgage repayments this month when I could’ve helped?
It would be reckless.
But the worst part of all of this is that I’ve already been reckless.
Because despite barely knowing Rory, I’ve let myself fall for him more than I can admit.
And maybe it is fear that’s holding me back, but if I was to let things continue between us, however casual they may seem on the surface, I know I’ll fall deeper and deeper until I can’t pull myself out.
I don’t want to get hurt, and I know this guy with his dark brown hair and matching eyes could make me feel pain like I’ve never known if he were to decide I’m not enough.
I’m already going through my fair share of heartbreak, I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with more on the scale it would be with Rory.
‘Yes, that is how it’ll go. You can treat me like any other student.’
Across from me, he scoffs, pushing his hands repeatedly through his hair. ‘Yeah, right.’
Neither of us say anything after that. I hover in the hallway, my things bundled up in my arms. When his eyes scan over me, I try my best not to break.
‘This is really what you want?’
Of course it’s not, I say to myself.
For Rory, wanting something is enough of a reason to go after it. But I know that wanting something doesn’t mean it’s going to work out, and that’s not a risk I think I can take.
‘I’ll see you in class.’ I leave his question unanswered, knowing I can’t bring myself to lie to him. Not about this. This time when I head towards the lift he doesn’t call out after me. Only when the doors finally open do I hear him mutter something behind me.
‘What was that?’ I ask, stepping into the lift.
I turn and look at him despite my better judgement. His head hangs, but his eyes are dark as they stare back at me.
‘I said, I can’t believe you made me think you cared for me the way I do for you. But I guess I was wrong.’
You’re not wrong. The words sit on the tip of my tongue, but before I can say anything in response, the doors slide shut and I’m travelling down, further and further away from him.
I’m barely able to hold myself together during the journey from the penthouse to the bottom floor.
As soon as the elevator doors peel open, I bolt out of there.
I run until I reach the top of the chairlift where I know Tilly will soon appear, oblivious to the turn my morning has taken. When she arrives, her smile drops as she sees me, and I finally give in and let myself cry.