Chapter 36
I haven't seen Denys' parents for three years. I don't know how to look them in their eyes. I don't know how to apologise for everything in the world.
The first thing I notice is Denys's mother.
Everything is tight in the chest. I’m petrified and just stand still. Tears appear in my eyes.
I miss him so much.
Denys's mother looks at me and also starts to cry. She comes closer, hugs me, and I start sobbing in her arms. I'm crying so hard I'm almost out of breath. She’s too. She lost her son. Her own universe. Her soul. Her everything.
"I miss him so much. He was my special boy. He was my ray of sunshine. He was my soul, a part of me." She says.
My heart is being torn apart.
"And you are my special girl. No matter how much my heart hurts, no matter how much I miss my angel, I'm glad that his heart is beating in your chest," she whispers. "I miss him so much, Amelia. I miss my son so much. My little boy."
"Me too, I miss him everyday." I say through tears.
Denys was the brightest person I knew. He was the kindest man on earth. He helped the homeless, was engaged in charity, he did everything for the sake of others. And because of that, I loved him. Because of his sincerity.
"I'm so sorry," I say breathlessly.
"My girl," she holds my hand, "for you, it’s the same pain as for us, but you must be strong. For him. For us."
"But I cannot. I'm not strong. I am weak. I can't fight. I want to go to him, I want to hug him, I want to be with him. I want him to have this life, not me."
"I know, dear. It hurts. I was ready to give my life for him, but it happened, and you have to live for him."
"It's not fair. This is all unfair."
"I want you to be happy," she wipes my tears. "For him, for my boy."
I can't make that promise, but I'll try. I will try to be better for Denys. I will try to be happy for him.
***
I exhale and sit on the white bed. And although I only saw the
Dominican Republic through the window on the car we were taking here, I have already fallen in love. All that's left for me to do is unpack and get ready for the New Year's Eve party, but all I'm doing right now is laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling.
"Hi," someone knocks on the door and enters.
Louis.
"Can't unpack things either? " He laughs and sits down next to me.
I cross my legs.
"No," I moan, "why can't I leave them in the suitcase, after a week they have to be put back in anyway."
"To be honest," Louis whispers and leans towards me as if telling the greatest secret of humanity, "I never unpack things." I'm laughing. Why am I not surprised?
I look down at my black shorts and white t-shirt, then look at Louis. He is now wearing perfectly clean white shorts, a blue cotton shirt and black glasses. Because of the high humidity in the air here, his light, almost golden hair twisted a little.
He looks like he should have a surfboard in his hands and shoot some American movie about lifeguards on the beach.
"I'll probably do the same," I nod.
"We have a few hours before everything starts, so we can play some board games."
"Did you bring board games with you?" I am surprised, although I don't even know why.
This is Louis.
"Well, of course," he laughs.
"So, yes."
"Okay, Sebastian is waiting for us," Louis gets up from the bed.
I also get up and am ready to leave when I hear a text message on my phone.
"I will catch up," I inform and take the phone in my hands.
Danylo: Happy New Year!
And although the New Year in the Dominican Republic will come in seven hours, I am sending a reply.
Me: Happy New Year!
Danylo : How are you? How is the Dominican Republic?
Of course, Sebastian told him everything.
Me : Great, but very tired from the flight.
Me : And how are you?
Danylo : Can I call you?
I look at myself in the mirror.
Me : Of course.
I pick up the phone, not immediately noticing Danylo, because as I understand it, he’s trying to go out on the balcony. It’s quite dark outside.
"Hi," he says and turns on the light on the terrace.
Now I can see him. And I don't like it.
"You're drunk?"
"So what?" he laughs, and only now I realise how bad he pronounces the words.
"Something happened? Where is Zlata?" I sit on the bed and cross my legs.
"Zlata? She is no longer in my life."
I freeze.
"What does it mean, Danylo?"
"This means that she is no longer in my life. Pausing between words, he speaks. "There is no her anymore. Disappeared. She left me. She threw me away."
"Are you sure?"
He is so drunk that I don’t understand at all whether it’s true. Maybe he's joking. Well, you know, the good old New Year's joke, when you tell that your wife and child left you.
"And you can not be sure when you receive an SMS on your phone." Danylo stops and starts looking for something. "I read, sorry, it was a mistake. We weren't supposed to get married. I lied to you, I love someone else. I cheated on you. And when you went to France with your father for a week, I got pregnant from someone else. I love him, I really do. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I got you into this. Timothey and I will live with his biological father. My son deserves to grow up with him."
She couldn't do that to him.
She had no right.
"My son," Danylo's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, "she didn't even say our . I lost everything, Ami. My family, which turns out not even belonged to me. She even lied to me about the month of her pregnancy. She lied to me about everything." "I'm sorry," I say quietly.
"Do you know what's the worst?"
I shake my head and he answers:
"I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I didn't want my father to be right. But he is right, I’m worthless. When I saw my son for the first time, I knew deep in my heart that he was not mine. He is nothing like me, Amelia. But I loved him. Shit, I loved him so much. Do you know why I hate myself the most? It feels like I've been living on a polluted planet all this time, and it's only just now cleaned up. She left my life and I began to breathe. Our relationship with Zlata was our parents' contract from the very beginning. I never loved her. Maybe I loved her for some point , but not the way I love ...." He stops.
My heart is torn apart with every word he says.
"You will handle it, I know."
"I got bored." Danylo raises his voice, it's the first time I've seen him like that. "I'm tired of dealing with everything. Now I will live as I want."
"What does it mean?"
"I will drink a few more glasses of whiskey, and then I will sleep with someone. No one needs me, Ami. Do you know what destroys me the most? You don't need me. The only person who matters to me. All this time, only you were in my head, and all this time you pushed me away."
Inside, everything starts to burn. If only he knew that I breathe only for him.
"Come on, you'll go home while I talk to you."
"No need, Ami, go have fun," Danylo says and hangs up.
I don't know how to digest it all. How to put the last five minutes of our conversation in my head. Zlata betrayed him.
But shall I say that I am surprised? No. Have you seen her? Whore is written on her face.
I know he can handle it. He is strong. But now he looks awful. If I could drop everything right now, I would fly to Kyiv. He needs me now, I have to be there with him, he doesn't have to live through this alone.
Me : Please, don't be silly. In a week I will come to Kyiv, we will solve everything together.
He doesn’t reply for twenty minutes, and I walk around the room with the phone in my hands, thinking that there is a problem with the connection.
I don't want to think that Danylo is now with someone else. But if this is true, then what do I feel?
I said myself that nothing can happen between us. I know it. And he knows it too.
The only problem is that I’m no longer sure that this is true.
Danylo : Danylo is busy now.
I reread the text several times, and then I throw the phone on the bed and go to Sebastian.
Week. I only have to hold out for a week, and then I can see Danylo. I can hug him. Talk to him.
"You're taking a long time," Louis notices with a smile, and I sit down on the bed next to me.
Sebastian notices my pale face. I shake my head, as if to say, not now, I'll explain everything later .
"Yes, I have monopoly, cards and..." Louis starts to list.
"Monopoly," I interrupt.
My body is now in the Dominican Republic, but my thoughts are entirely in Kyiv. I don't even want to imagine what Danylo feels now.
"Ami, it's your turn, don't sleep," says Sebastian and I roll the dice.
We play for about forty minutes, but it feels like I haven't played for ten seconds. I can't stay for a week here. I just can't stay.