Chapter 8
His strong hands pressed firmly against my back as he bent my head toward his shoulder.
I felt him trembling, yet he made no sound.
At first, from the shock of it, I didn’t know what to do.
But when I felt him pull me closer and the dampness on my neck from his tears, I wrapped one arm around his waist and pressed his head against me with the other.
For a moment, I relaxed.
But then the truth struck me again like a slap.
I should not have done this. I am a princess, and he is… who knows what. I should not have touched him, let alone allowed him to hold me. I should not have.
I have been selfish my entire life, insulting, mocking, doing things that now, when I remember them, fill me with so much humiliation. And yet… I wanted to be selfish just once more.
Just for one more moment.
To feel another tear fall onto my neck. To feel his scent and his warm skin.
How terrible would it be if I were selfish just one more time?
Still, my sister’s words forced me to pull back and lower my gaze from him seconds later.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that,” he said, ashamed of himself.
I pressed my lips together and looked at him.
His hair was disheveled, his eyes wet. Those eyes, I could lose myself in them.
In that endless brown that reminded me of freshly ground coffee or the dark deserts of Kartaj.
His gaze moved across my face, searching for any answer, but years of life in the castle had taught me to give nothing.
Even so, inside myself, I had memorized the rhythm of his heart and the note of every tear.
“It’s alright,” I glanced around and realized no one was there. “No one saw. It’s alright.”
He nodded as if he agreed with what I said, but then he asked,
“And why wouldn’t it be alright if someone saw?”
The confusion in his voice cut through me.
“You’re not a peasant, are you?” There was no anger in his tone, no accusation, only an honest question.
“No,” I answered truthfully, meeting his eyes. “I’m not a peasant. I am a lady of very high standing.”
It was dangerous to say that. He could have kidnapped me or taken me away. And yet… I felt as if I trusted him. I had known him for only a few mere days, but it felt as though I had known him my entire life. As if something between us was simply recognizable.
“And Welme is not my sister. She is my handmaid.”
He nodded. “Well, that explains why you don’t look alike at all.”
He tried to lighten the mood, but then he grew serious.
“And it explains why you said you were bad…”
He looked at his hands. “If you’re a lady, then it’s beneath you to be seen with me… and I even held you.”
As if the realization struck him all at once, he stiffened and looked at me with fear.
“Forgive me, my lady. I wasn’t thinking about that, and I’m sorry that I—”
Before he could say anything more, I moved closer to him and placed my hand over his.
His rough skin brushed against my soft one.
I will be selfish just one more time.
“You did nothing wrong, Lys. And please don’t call me ‘my lady.’ I don’t want you to see me differently. We haven’t known each other long, but honestly, I consider you a friend. Please don’t look at me differently.”
Something inside me felt as if it were breaking.
As if everything were returning again. Every word Meera had spoken.
Please don’t think I’m bad.
Please don’t hate me for everything I’ve done. I won’t do it anymore.
Those words floated on the tip of my tongue like the most painful ballad. Yet I knew I had no right to feel pain, only that newly discovered bitter shame.
“If that is what you wish, Sol.”
Isolde. Isolde. My name is Isolde. I wanted to scream it. But if I did, he would know. And if he knew, he would realize he had committed enough crimes in the past few minutes for his head to hang at the entrance of the city.
I smiled faintly, pulled my hands back into my lap, and lowered my gaze to my feet. I rolled small stones between them while he lifted his face toward the sea and took a deep breath.
“I want to see you again. Just once more, if I can.”
I looked up as well.
I knew that after the tournament, he would leave the city. That I would never see him again. That was why I had allowed myself this, knowing he would become only a beautiful story and a memory I might one day tell Sando, one that would leave him speechless.
“Just once more,” I said.
Just once more, I will be selfish.