Chapter 20
Like poison lingering on my tongue, Meera's words burned through the entire following day.
My knight walked behind me like a shadow, flawlessly matching every step I took and silently carrying out every one of his duties, but I could not quiet the ache in my chest from the night before.
I was not foolish. I knew part of the blame was mine.
I knew he felt deceived, betrayed. But I had no idea what I was supposed to do about it now.
I could not change the past. Nor could I change what we had become. He was a Blood Knight now, and only death could free him from that duty.
With every step, breathing became harder.
My corset tightened around my ribs, and the world began to spin.
I passed servants who bowed before returning to remove the decorations from yesterday's celebration, but I could not even bring myself to look at them.
It felt as though I were suffocating in dust and sour air.
"Princess... are you alright?" Lys's concerned voice came from behind me.
Hearing it only made everything worse. I quickened my pace toward the nearest exit of the castle, but the walls seemed to shift around me, closing in from every side.
"Princess." I heard his footsteps speed up behind me, but I only walked faster.
My heart pounded violently against my ribs.
A haze blurred my vision. My fingers began to cramp, and sweat soaked through the back of my dress.
It felt as though I had walked hundreds of feet before I rounded one final corner, only to find a dead end.
A stone wall rose before me. No door. No window. Nothing.
My heartbeat quickened.
In panic, I searched desperately for some hidden opening, some way through.There was none. Tears welled in my eyes before spilling down my cheeks. Finally, I turned to face him.
Dressed in the gray armor provided by the castle, a black cape draped over his shoulders and a sword hanging at his hip, Lysande stood frozen where he was.
His brows were drawn together. His lips pressed into a thin line.
But his eyes, those endless brown deserts that seemed capable of hiding a thousand sorrows, held only one.
He glanced over his shoulder for a brief moment before cautiously taking a step toward me.
"I'm sorry," I tried to say, but my voice broke.
He took another careful, quiet step. "I'm sorry," I repeated.
"I never wanted to hurt you. Not ever. And I truly am sorry. I believe... I believe this feeling in my heart is the punishment for every sin I've ever committed, but please... please find it somewhere in your heart not to hate me."
I barely knew what I was saying anymore. I only knew I had to say something.
With one more step, he was standing directly before me.
Tall enough to tower over me by a full head, his face remained unreadable.
He drew a slow breath and relaxed his expression.
His gaze dropped to my hands, twisted tightly together as my nails dug into my own skin.
Without a word, he gently took both of them in his right hand.
My tears continued to fall. My heart felt ready to burst from my chest.
Still saying nothing, he slowly brushed his thumb across my fingers before finally looking into my eyes.
Only then beneath that gaze filled with everything left unsaid, did the air seem to return to the corridor.
I watched something cross his mind. Something that lowered his eyelids and made him look at me with quiet judgment.
His lips tightened once more as he let go of my hands and stepped back.
Then turned his back on me.
The absence of his warmth burned against my skin like ice. "So..." he said coldly. "Was any of it real? Or were you pretending then too?" My heart dropped.
"Everything was real," I answered, desperately searching for the right words. His laugh echoed softly through the corridor. "Everything?" he asked, laughing without a trace of humor as he turned to face me.
"Everything... except who you were. Or who your sister was...no, I'm sorry. Your servant?"
I lowered my gaze. "Everything... except your title. Except the life you live."
Once, words spoken in that tone would have been enough for me to order soldiers to punish whoever had dared speak them.
Now I felt smaller than a grain of sand. I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Lys..." I whispered. "My feelings for you were real."
For a moment, he froze snd then he laughed again.
"Your feelings?" he repeated. "And what about mine?" He almost screamed, "What about everything I told you about myself? Everything I shared? After hearing about the pain of an ordinary peasant... did Your Highness return to her palace and laugh about it with her court?"
His voice sharpened.
"Was I nothing more than a jester for a few entertaining days of your life?" Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks.
"You were my life during those few days."
It was all I could manage before gathering enough strength to walk past him.
But before I could, he caught my wrist and pulled me gently toward him.
He still held my hand carefully and yet firmly enough that I could not pull away.
The moment he realized what he had done and to whom, he released me immediately and stepped back.
"My apologies, Princess. I have greatly overstepped." His eyes fell to the floor.
"Lysande." I took a slow breath. "Look at me."
It was an order. He obeyed immediately and that made me hate myself even more.
"I lied, that much is true. But I never lied about how I felt about you. I know I never should have, but...I started imagining a future with you. Something forbidden. I know I hurt you, and I hope that one day you'll forgive me. But if you never do...
I'll accept your hatred and your anger as the punishment I deserve."
This time, the sentence came out whole. No tears. No stuttering.
He studied me for a long moment. "Do you truly think I hate you, Princess?" The question caught me off guard. I had expected laughter. An insult. Or for him to disappear once again behind that cold, obedient knight. Not this.
"Yes," I admitted honestly.
"I wish I could." His voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. "It would make everything much easier."
Before I could answer, hurried footsteps echoed through the corridor. Lys straightened immediately. Every trace of emotion disappeared from his face. I quickly wiped away my tears and turned toward the sound.
Welme appeared at the end of the long hallway, breathless with worry.
Her red braids flew around her as she hurried toward us.
"Princess!" She dropped into a quick curtsy before taking both of my hands."Are you alright? Some of the servants told me you didn't look well and that you came this way... Is everything alright?"
The words tumbled out one after another. "Should I call the maestar? Did something happen?"
Her eyes shifted past me to Lys. At that moment, something twisted inside my stomach.I had the feeling she blamed him.
"No, Welme," I said immediately. "Thank you, but everything is alright. I think I had some sort of nerve attack. She looked at me with concern, but I quickly added, "My knight was here. He helped me." I offered her a faint smile.
She looked back at Lys once more, though she said nothing. "Something else has happened, Princess." She hesitated, clearly unsure how to say it.
"What is it, Welme?" For a brief moment, I glanced at Lys, who stood perfectly still, though I knew he was listening to every word.
"News arrived just a little while ago, Princess..." I tilted my head slightly.
She swallowed before meeting my eyes. "The King wishes to hold a royal ball in your honor in a few weeks." My lips parted. I already knew what that most likely meant.
He wants to marry me off.