Chapter 27
LOGAN
My breath billows out into the crisp morning air.
I watch as a football player runs laps around the perimeter of the field.
That used to be me. I used to get up at the ass crack of dawn and go for a run to take my mind off whatever I was stressing about.
Getting drafted. Winning the next game. Appeasing Mikayla.
I forget what I was doing it all for.
I wonder if that guy down there running laps needs someone to cheer him on. Does he need someone to tell him there’s more to him than how fast he runs? Or how many championship games he wins?
I needed someone to tell me things were going to be okay. I wish I could’ve been that person for myself back then, but maybe I can learn to be that now.
My phone rings, and I see my mom’s name appear on the screen. I hit answer and put the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Mom. Early morning for you?”
She chuckles. “Yeah, I’m just taking Molly for a walk and figured you’d be up.”
“Yeah, I’m just out for a morning walk too.”
I wait for her to ask about my limp, but she doesn’t.
“How’s school going?”
“Better. I think I might be changing majors next semester. I’m still trying to figure out what to, but my physical therapist is giving me some ideas.”
“That’s great, honey. Still not interested in astronomy?”
I chuckle as I think about the summer and fall nights I spent with my mom looking at constellations. She made me curious about the world and helped me see that there’s so much more than what’s here on Earth. That we’re all just small dots in the universe.
I wish I still had that mindset now.
“You know I’m terrible at science, Mom.”
“I know, I know. Just wanted to check in… just in case.”
I rub my hands along my thighs as I wait for the inevitable question about my pain.
“Have you met any new girls yet? Or is Mikayla still too fresh?”
Anxiety pulses through me.
Mikayla is definitely old news by now, but it feels like a whole other hurdle to tell her about Alex.
Is there even anything to tell about Alex? It’s not like we’re boyfriends. We kissed last night, but we’re just getting things started. And I’m too scared to bring it up to my mom before I even know what we are.
I’m taking too long to answer now. Maybe she thinks something’s up.
“No—uh, not yet. Still just focused on my recovery,” I manage to get out.
“Good. I’m sure some nice girl will come around someday. You’re a catch.”
I let out a nervous chuckle. “Thanks, Mom.”
We eventually end the call, and I rub my hands nervously along the cool metal bleachers.
There’s a whole part of my life that feels like a secret now. I used to tell my mom everything. She thinks she knows all about me, but this is one thing I haven’t even known about myself until now—or at least one thing I haven’t been willing to accept.
Only Alex and I know.
I squint as the rising sun settles across my face.
Is Alex watching the same sunrise right now?
I check my watch and realize he’s at work, probably getting ready to open the cafe.
Part of me wants to get off my ass and go see him, but I have to pace myself.
Our kiss last night still has me feeling jittery, and I don’t want to push myself or Alex into someplace neither of us is ready to go.
Instead, I take out my phone and send him a text.
Logan
Hey, would you want to go out for a walk along the canal tonight? No pressure. Just let me know :)
I sigh, slip my phone back into my pocket, and close my eyes as the morning sun settles against my skin.
If I want this thing with Alex to last, I have to learn to stay calm.
Only Alex and I can deal with this together, and as isolating as it feels, I have to accept that for now until we figure things out.
My phone buzzes, and I snatch it up, expecting a text from Alex, but it’s Kai instead.
Kai
Hey saw you leave the dorm early. Wanna hit the gym together?
I thumb a text back.
Logan
Sure. Meet me there in 5?
Kai sends back a thumbs-up, and I stand from the bleachers.
Maybe it doesn’t have to be just Alex and me who know about this side of me that likes guys.
I’m not sure what label fits me, but Kai’s my best friend. He likes both girls and guys, so I feel like I can tell him.
Maybe that’ll make things feel a little less heavy, especially when I can’t tell my mom.
Alex
Would love to. Be ready at 8? :)
I can’t help but smile every time I lift the barbell over my head after reading Alex’s text.
I manage to stack even more weight than I normally can on each end, like I’m hulking out.
I grunt as I press the barbell over my shoulders and lower it back down in front of me.
I have a new fire in me that wasn’t there before.
I want to look bigger for Alex tonight.
“Damn, Lo, what’s got into you?” Kai asks, patting my sweaty shoulder as he passes by to unrack the weights from the barbell.
I shrug, out of breath. “Don’t know. Just woke up with a fire under my ass this morning.”
He smirks. “That’s all?”
I shrug again.
Maybe this is the time to tell him about Alex. I know he won’t react badly, but part of me is still scared to actually say it out loud.
“Maybe something else.”
Kai raises an eyebrow. “Like what?”
I put my hands on my hips, trying to steady my breathing. “I have a date tonight.”
Kai’s mouth falls open. “Dude, no way.”
I nod, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face.
“With who?”
I rub the back of my neck. “Uh—with Alex.”
I brace myself, waiting for Kai to look surprised or confused. As far as he knows, I’ve always been some kind of ladies’ man.
Instead, he gives me a knowing smile.
“I’m happy for you, man.”
I blink. “You are?”
“Yeah. I figured that’s how things were going to end up between you two.”
I clear my throat. “What?”
Kai squeezes my shoulder. “Lo, have you heard the way you talk about him? The second you said that café was making you feel better, I knew. Honestly, I think I knew before you did.”
I frown. “And you didn’t tell me?”
Kai laughs and gives my shoulder a playful clap. “Did you really not know how you were feeling?”
I shake my head. “No. I really thought he was just a best friend to me…”
It’s still sort of a lie.
Deep down, I knew I kept telling myself Alex was different from every other friend I’d made. Being around him made me feel the same way I did around girls.
I wanted him around all the time. I wanted to keep him close, tuck him under my arm, and protect him.
“So how did this happen? Who kissed who?” Kai asks as he returns the barbell to the rack.
I blush. “I kissed him.”
He smacks my shoulder. “Good man. I’m sure he needed that from you.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Kai smirks. “I love you, Lo, but you’re a little clueless about how you come across.”
“What do you mean, how I come across?” I ask, my voice much quieter.
“A lot of what you said about Alex might have sounded friendly to you, but I’m sure Alex wondered if you meant it differently. Since he thought you were straight, he probably assumed you were just being nice.”
I rub my face as I look at myself in the mirror, sweat dripping down my forehead.
Am I really that clueless? Or was I suppressing the part of me that likes guys so much that I refused to see what was right in front of me?
“I’m assuming you don’t think you’re straight anymore, right?” Kai asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
I shake my head. “I—I don’t know. I just know that I like Alex.”
He gives me an encouraging smile. “Good, man. We don’t all need labels. I sure as hell don’t label myself.”
I relax a little, grateful for how supportive Kai is. A lot of people have been, especially considering how Joel, Travis, and some of the rest of the team treat me and Callum.
“Just go slow with him, okay? If you’re new to this, go at Alex’s pace.”
“Yeah. I actually want to do that anyway. I don’t rush things. I never have.”
Kai nods. “Good. Now put another ten pounds on there so those boulder shoulders can rock Alex’s world tonight.”
I chuckle and do as Kai says. As I lift the barbell over my head, I feel even more confident than I did before.
Alex deserves the best, and I want to do everything I can to give him that, even if he has to be patient with me.