Chapter 32
ALEX
Lethargy hits me like a truck as consciousness floods back in.
I don’t even remember falling asleep last night. What was I doing?
I inhale and notice a solid warmth draped across my stomach.
I open my eyes and realize I’m not in my bed. My shirt is back on, but I’m in Logan’s bed.
Logan’s arm is slung across my stomach, and a soft snore escapes him as his lips rest against my arm.
I smile down at him.
Flashes of Logan’s mouth on mine, my hands in his hair, and the heat of him pressed against me rush back.
We must have fallen asleep while the movie was finishing.
I glance over at Kai’s bed, which is empty. Did he even come back in?
I rub at my face and smile down at Logan again. With his eyes closed and his face fully relaxed, he’s even more beautiful than he usually is.
My usual alarm goes off, and I puff out a breath as I search for my phone, which is somehow still in my pocket.
I pale when I see my notifications.
Twenty missed calls from Naomi. Five emails from Fiona.
I immediately hit call on Naomi’s number, my heart crashing against my chest as if it might explode.
“Alex?” Naomi answers after the final ring.
“Naomi? What is it? Are you okay?”
“I—Where were you?”
Guilt rushes through me. “I fell asleep at Logan’s place. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Is everything okay, Nay?”
She sniffles. “It’s Mom. She—she fell last night.”
My heart stops. “She fell?”
“Yeah. She was coming down the stairs and, at the last step, she just... lost her balance. I don’t know. I couldn’t help her, and I needed you—”
“Nay. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry—”
“I’m at the hospital with her. Her knee was hurt, and she needed some stitches.”
I carefully lift Logan’s arm from my stomach and sit up. “I’m on my way now.”
“Please come quick, Alex.”
Guilt rips through me. “I will, Nay. I’m coming. I’m so sorry. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay,” Naomi says before hanging up.
“Fuck!” I whisper-yell as I grab my things and slip on my shoes.
Logan stirs. “Alex?”
I look over at him, and panic rushes through me.
“I have to go,” I say as I finish tying my shoe.
“What? Why?” Logan asks, pushing himself upright and rubbing at his face.
“My mom’s in the hospital,” I say, my heart searing at the thought.
“Alex, oh my—what happened?”
I stand. “She’s okay. She fell down the stairs, but... I wasn’t there to help.” I close my eyes. “I should have been there.”
Logan sits up fully. “I’ll come with you.”
I shake my head. “No. I just need to go.”
“Alex—”
“No, Logan, just... I’ve got it. I’ll see you later.”
Logan pales. “What? Alex, please—”
I shake my head and leave his dorm, tears blurring my vision as I sprint down the hallway.
It’s just like when my dad left. He crawled into a bottle, nearly died from alcohol poisoning, and when he learned about my mom’s MS, he got up and left.
I refuse to be like my dad.
As much as it hurts to run away from Logan, my family comes first.
I can’t bear to lose anyone else the way I lost my dad.
I arrive at the hospital fifteen minutes later, and a nurse directs me to Mom’s room.
I burst in and immediately relax when I see her talking with Naomi.
She turns to me, her face crumpling with relief. “Alexander.”
I rush over and try to will myself not to cry as I take in how frail she looks. Frailer than I’ve ever seen her.
“Mom. Are you okay?”
She nods. “Yeah. Just a little banged up. I got a bit too confident with the stairs.”
I sigh and sit beside her on the bed, taking her hand in mine. “You’re supposed to go slowly. Always.”
She sighs. “I know, honey. I’m sorry for causing such a ruckus...”
I squeeze her hand. “Don’t apologize.”
I’ve been so busy recently, and I haven’t been home as much as I should be. Everything with Logan has taken precedence over everything else in my life, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t let it.
I feel like a terrible son for letting this happen, for not making sure my family came first.
“I should have been there. I’m so sorry.”
She shakes her head. “Alexander, stop. It’s fine.”
My hands tremble around hers. What would have happened if Naomi had been at swimming lessons? What if Mom had taken a harder fall?
If I’d been home, maybe I could have stopped it.
“I’m so sorry. I fell asleep at Logan’s dorm. We were watching a movie, and then we just... both fell asleep. I meant to come back last night.”
She smiles and rubs her thumb across my hand. “I’m glad you enjoyed your night.”
How does she not see how much of a mistake I’ve made? Why is she being so easy on me?
“No, Mom. I should have been there to help you. To help Nay, too. I’m not going to be like Dad and abandon you both.”
I glance over at Naomi. Her face is serious as she looks between us.
Mom tries to sit up straighter in bed. “Alex. You—” She winces as she settles herself. “You’re nothing like your father. And you can’t be there for me all the time.”
I shake my head. “Yes, I—I have to be. For both of you. We don’t have Dad, and I have to make sure you’re both okay.”
“We would have called an ambulance either way. Me falling was inevitable,” Mom says, waving a hand dismissively.
I let my shoulders relax a little. Because that much is true.
If I’d been there, I still would have called an ambulance. Naomi managed to do it herself. Maybe I shouldn’t feel like this is my fault.
Mom takes my wrist softly. “I just… I want you to enjoy life, too.”
But I enjoy my life with my mom, and I don’t think she understands that. It pains me to see her struggle, but she’s what makes life feel worthwhile.
“But I can’t enjoy my life without you. Or without Naomi. I need both of you,” I say, my voice breaking.
My hands tremble in hers as I think about a time when I might be without her. How inevitable it will be, even without her Multiple Sclerosis. I want to make the most of whatever time she has left, and I feel terrible for not being there when she and Naomi needed me.
“Oh, takaramono,” Mom whispers, her eyes turning misty.
Naomi gets up from her chair and clings to my waist, hugging me from behind. I lean over and hug Mom as Naomi does, and we form a caterpillar-like line of embraces.
I wouldn’t trade the world for this. All I want is for my family to be okay.
I stay with Mom and Naomi until she’s cleared by her doctor and sent home.
I hold her hand the entire walk to my car and during the ride home. I don’t want to know a moment when she’s away from me for too long.
As I park in the driveway, I finally look at my phone.
My stomach drops.
It’s Monday.
And I didn’t send my piece to The Goldberg last night.
I gave Fiona my feedback on all my colleagues’ pieces, but I forgot to send in my own.
As I help Mom into the house and make sure Naomi’s okay, I clear my throat.
“Mom, I really have to go to school. Just for a bit. I swear I’ll be back, okay? I wouldn’t leave if it wasn’t important.”
Mom smiles and shoos me away. “We’ll be fine, Alex.”
I nod, get back in my car, and drive to Montgomery, not caring that I’m going ten over the speed limit.
I park and sprint toward the journalism building, desperately hoping Fiona is there.
My shoes squeak against the linoleum floors, and as I round a corner, I see the newsroom door standing open.
I breathe a sigh of relief, slowing from a run to a brisk walk.
I peer into the room and look around, finding it empty.
I glance at Fiona’s desk and spot her thermos, along with the usual stationery she brings everywhere with her.
She’s nearby.
I brace my hands on her desk, trying to catch my breath. I’m not sure why I thought running here would accomplish anything. I finished the article; I just forgot to submit it.
I had to see my mom. I’m sure she’ll understand.
I hear the clomping of heels heading my way, and I push myself back up.
I puff out a long breath before Fiona makes her way into the newsroom. She refuses to make eye contact with me as she storms into the room and brushes past me to sit at her desk.
“Fiona, I’m so sorry. I meant to submit the piece, but my mom got hurt, and—”
“I’m going with someone else for editor next year.”
My limbs go cold.
I blink. “What?”
She refuses to look at me and keeps typing on her computer. “I don’t think you’re cut out for this kind of executive work, Alex. Don’t make me say it again.”
I sputter. “But—”
“Being an editor means always being on time. You’re busy, and you handing in an assignment late is proof of that.”
I shake my head. “My mom was hurt and had to go to the hospital—”
Fiona finally meets my eyes, fury and pain swirling in her irises.
“I don’t listen to my colleagues’ personal lives and issues. You always hand in your assignments a day early for this reason, Alex. You kept defending yourself, saying you still handed things in on time. But I saw this coming. I told you how much I saw you as my heir apparent. You squandered it.”
I brace my hands on her desk. “Fiona, please don’t do this. My mom’s been sick since the start of the semester, and I took my job to support her and my sister after my dad left, and—”
“The decision is final. Just make sure you hand in your piece on time next week. I still need you to do your part, but for now, being editor is out of the question.”
I shake my head. “You’re taking away my dream? Because of one mistake?”
She nods.
“Journalism runs on deadlines. You know this. You’ve known it for years. I can’t trust you to be an editor if you keep slipping away. I need someone more dedicated. If you’re not going to be editor next year, then I don’t see a future for you here. Sorry.”
I try to come up with something else to say, but Fiona has clearly made up her mind about me.
She’s just pulled the rug out from beneath me, and I have no idea what I’m going to do if I can’t be editor next year.
I leave the office wordlessly, my tears threatening to spill over as I walk away.
Everything feels like it’s falling apart beneath me, and I can’t do anything to stop it. The best I can do is hold on to what I still have and hope I don’t lose that too.
I don’t even notice the hulking figure sitting on my stoop by the time I get home.
I freeze when I see him.
“Logan?” I ask breathlessly.
Worry paints his face as he looks up from his book. “Alex.”
He stands and walks toward me, but I stay where I am.
“Is your mom okay? I didn’t want to overstep and ring the doorbell—”
I nod. “She’s okay. She just got a bit banged up.”
Logan hangs his head. “Thank God. I was so worried. I’ve been pacing around my dorm all day.”
I cross my arms. “I really should get back to my mom.”
He studies me. “Are you okay, Alex?”
I don’t feel okay at all. It feels like the cobblestones might crack and crumble beneath me, but I don’t need to tell him that.
He reaches forward and wipes a thumb across my cheek. “Were you crying?”
I push his hand away, hating how much I want to lean into it. “It’s been a long day.”
Logan shifts on his feet. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No. I have to get inside. My mom and Naomi probably need me to help with dinner soon.”
“Dinner’s not for another few hours,” Logan says, his voice low.
I nod. “It’s a complicated traditional Japanese recipe. I make it when my mom’s sick,” I lie.
“Do you need me to help with anything?” Logan asks, still as steadfast as ever.
I shake my head. “No. I think I’ve got it.”
“Alex.”
The way he says my name tells me he knows I’m not just stressed about my mom.
I finally meet Logan’s gaze, and my chest sears at the pain in his eyes.
“What’s going on? Did I… did I make you feel uncomfortable last night?”
I shake my head. “No. Logan, it’s not—” I sigh, my breath trembling. “It’s just… us. I don’t know if this is going to work.”
Logan takes a step back. “What?”
“Fiona’s going with someone else for editor next year because I didn’t hand in my assignment last night, and with my mom falling down and the hospital…” I swallow hard. “I’m not being the son I need to be while pursuing the life I want to live.”
Logan frowns. “Alex. It was a human mistake that we fell asleep—”
“I know. But it can’t happen again. I have too much on my shoulders to risk it.”
Logan takes a step closer. “Alex. Please,” he says, reaching a hand out to me.
I look down at it and want nothing more than to take it. To crawl into his arms and let him make me forget about the terrible day I’ve had.
But I’m terrified I won’t be able to pull away. That I won’t be able to see past him. That everything I hold dear will disappear if I let him in.
That he’ll disappear too, just like my dad or Scott, when things get difficult.
I can’t let that happen.
I have a dream. I have a family. I have too much at stake.
“Please, just… leave me alone for now, Logan,” I whisper, walking past him to my door.
I don’t look back at him. I don’t wait for him to say anything.
I just open the door and close it behind me.
I close the door on Logan, hoping it leads me to my dream.