Chapter 33
LOGAN
Ican barely focus on my paper through the sting of Alex’s rejection.
It’s like I’m a nobody all over again. All the progress I’ve made since my injury feels undone.
Not because of Joel or Travis spreading rumors about me, but because of Alex.
He was the one person I could be more than the guy who got injured and lost his dream around.
But as much as I disagree with him, I understand his reaction.
I lost everything I ever wanted because of someone else’s recklessness, and Alex thinks we’re doing the same thing. If he really lost his chance at being editor of the paper because of that night, then it really is partially my fault.
But he’s wrong about me distracting him. We’ve never been more in tune with ourselves than when we’re together.
He makes me feel like I can do anything, and I help him carry some of the weight on his shoulders.
I just want him to realize that, and I hope he does.
A hand falls on my shoulder, nearly jolting me out of my seat.
Kai appears beside me. “Hey, Lo,” he says, smiling.
“Kai. Hey.”
He gestures to the empty chair next to me. “Mind if I sit?”
I shake my head.
He sits down beside me and sets his computer and a textbook on the desk.
“Having a hard time focusing?” Kai asks, a smirk on his lips.
I nod. “Had a rough day today.”
“What’s up?” Kai asks.
I debate how much I want to tell him because it still feels so raw, and I honestly don’t want to show him how much Alex’s rejection sent me back to a place I didn’t want to go.
But he’s my best friend. I’ve already told him so much. I know he wouldn’t judge me.
“Alex kind of… cut me off.”
Kai’s face crumples. “No way.”
I nod, averting my gaze.
I can’t keep my dream alive, I can’t keep a relationship, and I can’t even let a new one start without it crashing into flames.
“What happened?”
“We fell asleep on my bed while, uh… watching a movie.”
Kai raises an eyebrow at me, but I ignore him.
“And his mom got hurt overnight, and he wasn’t there for her. Then he lost his shot at being editor next year because he didn’t send in his assignment when he should have that night.”
Kai puffs out a breath. “Shit, man.”
I nod. “Yeah. But it’s like he’s blaming me for it. And… maybe he should be.”
Kai frowns. “What are you talking about?”
“I knew what I was getting myself into. I see how hard he works and how much he has on his shoulders. I just thought I could help him, take some of the load off, but this is a lot more than just school and the paper. It’s his family and his dream.”
I rub my face. “And I just—I don’t know if I can even be the guy he needs. I’m still not sure who I am or what I want to do...”
Kai puts a hand on my arm. “Hey,” he says, aggressive but earnest.
“No one knows who they are in college. That’s what it’s for. You’re the kindest guy I know. You’d take a tackle from any player to protect someone you love. And no matter how much Mikayla, or the pain in your knee, tells you that you’re lesser than, you can’t listen to it.”
I meet Kai’s eyes, and a rush of happiness hits me. I’m so glad he’s my best friend.
“But... I don’t want to hurt Alex. He’s just... amazing.”
Kai nods. “And so are you. You’re still getting your footing, Lo. You’re starting a new life for yourself. Have some fucking grace for yourself,” he says, his face serious even if his tone stays playful.
I nod. “I know, but he’s just so far ahead of me—”
“Nope. Have you seen yourself? How jacked you are? I’m not saying you should measure yourself by how much you bench press or what your body fat percentage is, but do you think Alex doesn’t think about how far ahead of him you are in that sense?
Or how many championship games you’ve won? Or how compassionate you are?
“Being worthwhile isn’t just about how good your grades are, how much money you make, or how good you look with your shirt off. It’s about how you show up for yourself and for other people. You’re on different playing fields, Lo. You can’t compare yourself.”
I lean back in my chair as Kai’s words settle beneath my skin.
I know I should stop putting Alex on such a pedestal, but I can’t help it. Everything he does seems to have meaning behind it.
I don’t have direction. Not yet.
I smile at Kai. “Thanks, man. I guess you’re right.”
He nods. “I know I am. And whatever Alex is going through, he’ll come around. He’s probably just panicking. He’s still your friend, despite whatever’s happening.”
His words hit me like a truck.
Despite all this mess, I’ve forgotten that Alex is still my friend. The lines have definitely been blurred over the past week or so, but at the end of the day, there are multiple dimensions to our relationship.
Alex will come around, even if it might not be in the way I want him to.
I head to the gym after Kai leaves, unable to focus on anything I need to work on. I thought about going to the Honeycomb, but I don’t want to tread on Alex’s territory.
I wonder what it’s like for athletes who can’t get pep talks like these from their peers.
I pretty much didn’t tell anyone other than Kai how bad things were getting for me when I got kicked off the team.
Even when I was on the team, the pressure of needing to win and get drafted was crushing. I’m surprised I didn’t crumble under all of it.
How many athletes suffer in silence and don’t know how to properly reach out for help?
Something stirs in me as I pass a team photo of The Hornets lined up on the football field.
How much suffering has this team experienced that I don’t know about?
What if I could help them? Or another team with players going through the same thing I am?
Is there a way I could tell them that their lives don’t have to be over when they lose?
A burning feeling sears through my chest, one I haven’t felt since I wanted to win the championship game.
The motivation I lost after getting injured feels like it’s returning. That fire. That drive to accomplish something.
Maybe helping athletes is what I’m meant to do.
I burst through the doors of the gym, ready to lift weights with a vengeance.
The gym is mostly empty, which I’m glad for.
I’m in the middle of leg curls, getting toward the usual breathlessness that comes with them, when I notice a figure behind me in the mirror.
When I finish my set with a final grunt, Mikayla steps in front of me.
“Hey,” I say, taking my shirt and wiping the sweat from my forehead.
She looks at me, her expression uncertain. “Hey.”
I think this might be the first time I’ve actually spoken to her since we broke up.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, more curious about her standing in front of me than being at the gym.
She rubs her arm with her hand. “I wanted to see how you were doing,” she says softly.
I purse my lips. “I’m okay. Why?”
She shifts on her feet. “I just—I don’t know. Seeing you with Joel at the photo booth... it made me feel bad.”
I chuckle because she’s being vague, just like she used to be.
“Bad about what?”
She sighs. “I just think about how bad things must feel for you after everything.”
I turn away. “If you came over here to rub in how much better off you are, I’m not listening.”
She reaches forward and grabs my shoulder. “Logan, no. That’s not why.”
I turn my head to meet her gaze. She looks apologetic and genuine.
“I think being with Joel… I realized how much expectation I put on you. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you with your injury. How everything just… disappeared.”
I hang my head, still not completely facing her. Instead, I look at myself in the gym mirror.
I look like a football player. I wear the same gear and have the same physique. But in my mind, I’m not one anymore, and I haven’t been for a while.
I’m not sure why I’ve clung so tightly to the facade that I still am, or even that I want to be.
It was a dream, but as I compare myself now to who I was months ago with Mikayla, I realize it isn’t my dream anymore.
A sense of relief washes over me as I stare at the man in front of me.
I’m still the same guy, just with different circumstances.
I still have potential.
I finally look at Mikayla and smile. “It was hard, yes. It has been. But I’m doing better now, Kay.”
She blinks, the corners of her mouth lifting. “You are?”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s new, but… I’ve found someone, too.”
She blinks, hurt briefly flashing across her eyes before it gives way to happiness.
“I’m glad, even though I wish it were me.”
I chuckle. “Uh… that ship sailed a long time ago.”
She shrugs. “I know. I just—I don’t think I was mature enough to deal with your injury after it happened, and… I think I’m sorry.”
That’s the typical Mikayla way of apologizing. Not a full apology, but a half-apology.
I frown. “Think?”
She nods and closes her eyes, like she actually has to consider it.
“I am sorry.”
I study her, and it looks like she’s finally waving the white flag. As much as I hate that she stuck by Joel’s side while he went on his rampage, I appreciate that she’s trying to own up to her mistakes.
I shake my head. “It’s okay. It’s hard to know what to do. Even I didn’t.”
“I know, but I could’ve been more understanding instead of pushy.”
I sigh. “Well, as long as you’re not doing that with Joel…”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, I broke up with him.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You did?”
She nods. “He’s a homophobic piece of shit. Didn’t you notice?”
I stifle a laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Mikayla be so articulate.
“Yeah, I know,” I say, and she smirks back at me.
“And he said you were washed up and weak for dropping out of football. And I just… disagreed. Completely. I know how much it hurt you to make that decision. Even if we didn’t work as a couple…
I can’t be with someone who thinks like that.
Plus… he isn’t actually that good of a player. He’s probably not gonna go pro.”
I smile at her, and for the first time in a while, I don’t feel terrible about myself when she’s around. I feel like Logan.
“Well, whatever’s next for you, I hope it’s great,” I say with genuine hope, even though she’s probably already moving on to another football player or athlete. I have to give it to her: she knows what she wants.
She glances behind her at one of her friends using a leg machine. “Sorry, Shana’s waiting for me. I’ll see you around, Lo.”
I nod. “See you.”
She gives me a parting smile, and I’m left alone with my thoughts again.
I look at my reflection in the mirror and think about how different I am now compared to when I was in that hospital room. How different I am from the guy Mikayla broke up with not long after.
I have my own world now. My own strength.
And I’m proud of it.
I just wish I could share it with Alex.