Chapter 40
forty
I follow Jax home, park my car in my driveway and trudge across the yard, meeting up with him on his porch.
Neither of us speaks as I follow him inside. The silence feels heavy, loaded with unspoken tension that’s been twisting in my gut ever since we left Skin & Ink.
Throwing the dead bolt, he tosses his keys into a bowl sitting on the table near the door.
“Want something to drink?” he asks a little too casually. “I still have the wine you brought over. There’s also beer, or maybe you’d like something stronger?”
“Wine would be nice,” I reply, hovering awkwardly.
“You hungry? I can make us something.” Nudging my shoulder with his, he tilts his head for me to follow and heads to the kitchen, keeping a careful distance. “Breakfast for dinner?”
My nipples throb, forcing a flash of memory of Jax’s eyes igniting as he admired his handiwork to the front of my brain, making it hard to form anything other than, “Sure, breakfast would be nice.”
Cringing at my inability to come up with another adjective besides “nice”, I take a seat at the kitchen island, watching as he grabs ingredients from the fridge.
The way he’s moving around screams methodical. Shit, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he’s trying to avoid eye contact.
“So,” he says, finally breaking the silence as he sets a glass of red in front of me. “There are a few things you should know about taking care of your piercings.”
I take a long sip, grateful for the much needed warmth it creates in my stomach. “I’m listening.”
“You’ll want to wear loose-fitting shirts for the next few weeks with bandages,” he explains, turning back to the stove. “Or a breathable sports bra if you need the support. Nothing too tight or restrictive.”
“Got it.” I nod, watching the muscles in his back flex as he moves.
“And you’ll need to clean them twice a day with saline solution. I’ll give you some before you go to bed.” He glances over his shoulder. “No touching them more than necessary, and definitely no playing with them until they’ve had time to heal.”
“Yes, sir,” I quip, trying to lighten the mood.
His shoulders tense at my words, but he doesn’t respond, keeping his attention focused on the stove.
Ten minutes later, he sets a steaming, perfectly folded spinach and cheese omelet in front of me.
It looks and smells amazing.
Then, without another word, he takes a seat across from me and tucks into his food.
After a few bites, it gets to the point where the tension is killing my appetite, and I can’t stand another second of it. “You want to talk about it?”
Jax glances up, expression void of emotion before turning his attention back to his half-eaten omelet. “Talk about what?”
I let my fork clatter onto my plate. “Well, let’s see. Maybe the fact that within seconds after jizzing down my throat, you’ve been acting all weird and shit?”
His eyes shoot up from his plate to meet mine head-on. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” I ask incredulously, voice rising with every word.
“I...” He sighs. “What happened was super intense. That’s all. I’ve never felt...”
My heart feels like it’s going to Kool-Aid Man its way out of my chest. “What?”
“I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this right now. I need some time to process.”
“What the fuck is there to process, Jax? This is supposed to be FWB. Or did you forget? If you don’t want to do this anymore, just fucking tell me.”
All I get in return is stubborn silence.
“Fine.” Shoving my plate away, I down the rest of my wine, setting the empty glass on the counter with a loud clank. “You go ahead and process. I’m going to bed.”
I stomp upstairs to the guest room, and slam the door. Tears of frustration sting my eyes as I strip and head into the bathroom.
Turning on the shower, I carefully step under the hot spray and start washing my hair, dissecting specific moments from earlier in my head as I scrub at my scalp.
The expression on Jax’s face after he finished piercing me—the hunger in his eyes as he appraised his handiwork—it was like he’d never seen anything hotter in his life.
My clit pulses at the memory of the fire in his eyes when he dropped to his knees, and the raw passion of his tongue sliding over my pussy as he ate me out.
Then there’s the exact moment after he came down my throat when the look in his eyes shifted—like he’d suddenly come to a realization of something that scared the shit out of him.
With a sigh, I turn off the water and wrap myself up in a towel. Maybe what we’ve been doing is getting too complicated, putting us both in over our heads.
Pulling on an oversized T-shirt, I climb into bed. The sheets are blessedly cool against my skin as I stare up at the ceiling, replaying the day’s events over and over in my head.
Part of me wishes Jax would change his mind. Open the bedroom door, crawl into bed beside me and tell me what the hell is going on in that complicated head of his.
Is he starting to catch feelings? Part of me is terrified of that realization and where this could be heading.
Lately, I’ve been thinking I might not have enough strength in me to keep sex, not to mention the feelings I’m starting to feel, separate when it comes to Jax.
Whatever this is between us is starting to feel less like casual fun and more like something that could inevitably cross those invisible lines we’ve both drawn.
My heart skips, breath hitching when I hear his footsteps start up the stairs and make their way down the hall.
They pause outside my door for what seems like forever, and for a moment I think he might actually come in.
But he walks away, the sound of his footsteps fading before I hear his bedroom door close with a soft click.
Fluffing my pillow, I turn onto my side, curl into a ball and close my eyes, ignoring the hollow feeling in my chest.
Whatever’s going on with Jax, he clearly needs space to figure it out. And I need to remind myself why I wanted to keep things casual in the first place.
Relationships are messy. They complicate everything.
I should know. I’ve had a front-row seat to what happens when love goes wrong my entire life.
I was twelve when my dad walked out on us. Mom and I didn’t even realize he was gone for good until three days later when he called saying he “needed space” and that he wouldn’t be coming back.
Six months later, we found out why. He had another family—a whole other life—in California. A woman who was pregnant with their first kid. Turns out he’d been cheating on my mom for years.
Even after all this time, it still hurts. Feels like it was yesterday.
He used to send birthday cards sometimes, but that stopped when I turned eighteen. And the man who taught me to ride a bike and promised to always be there for me? He was gone as soon as he found something better.
And then there’s Ryan.
“You’ll always be the only woman for me, Sash.
” That’s what he’d said—one week to the day before I caught him fucking our receptionist in the supply closet.
Turns out it wasn’t just a one-time thing, but a six-month affair.
All while we were building our business together, planning our future.
And, as it turns out, she wasn’t the only one.
And what’s even worse? Ryan is still finding ways to screw me over.
Getting involved with the fucking Triple Six? Putting not only our business, but my life in danger, using my part of the business as collateral?
It’s like the universe is screaming in my face: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRUST THE ONES YOU LOVE.
Pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes, I take a deep breath in.
My nipples throb, bordering on painful, when I think about how good it feels to be with Jax. I think I might actually be falling for him.
But I can’t. I refuse to let it happen.
Men leave. They lie. They cheat. They put their own needs first. That’s the one lesson life has consistently taught me.
I’ve spent years busting my ass building Summit into something I’m proud of. I don’t need anymore complications, no matter how good or how safe they make me feel.
What really scares me is that, on the outside, Jax is the type of guy my mom always warned me to guard my heart against. But on the inside? He’s the type of guy she’s always encouraged me to give my heart to.
Just the thought of giving someone that kind of power over me again makes me want to run as fast and as far I can to the ends of the fucking earth.
Because I know what’ll happen when Jax inevitably decides I’m not enough. When he decides to walk away, taking a big chunk of my heart right along with him.