Chapter Twenty-One
“Can I help?” Cash asked as Josie began to walk back inside. His voice came out hoarse, and his heart was pounding in his ears.
Josie paused, glancing back, her cheeks flushed. She nodded, swallowing so hard he could see it, and then she looked away from him and quickly swung the front door open, so abruptly that it swung out with a wild creak and struck the side of the house.
Cash’s eyes closed, and he took a deep breath.
We just almost kissed.
It wasn’t a shock that she looked almost downright overwrought. He was on edge himself. He followed her into the house. Admittedly, he was keeping a bit of distance, still unsure of how to navigate whatever it was that almost just happened between them.
Josie moved quickly, skirt swishing around her legs as she made her way to the back of the house, toward her bedroom, and Cash knew he’d made a grave mistake. Being behind her in a moment like that, watching the way her body swayed fluidly, it was almost too much.
The cries grew louder as they neared her bedroom, sharp and insistent—Samuel was far from a happy baby in that moment.
Josie pushed open the door without hesitation and hurried toward the crib tucked against the wall. Cash lingered in the doorway for a moment, watching her as she scooped the baby up in her arms. His wails only got louder.
“You going to help?” she asked over her shoulder. Her tone was dry now, with a tinge of amusement, as if holding Samuel had somehow helped her overcome some of her tension.
Right… help. He’d offered to do what he could for her. Not just stare at the two of them.
“Is he hungry?” he asked, not understanding what was wrong.
Josie shook her head, rocking Samuel slightly. “No. He’s had plenty to eat, and he sleeps through the night just fine these days.”
Cash watched as she checked him over, running her fingers along his little back, and down into his cloth diaper. “He’s dry,” she whispered, more to herself than to Cash. She frowned as she pressed the back of her hand to his small forehead.
Cash’s stomach clenched in fear. “What is it? He sick?”
Josie glanced up at him, her expression softening, before shaking her head. “He feels a little warm, but it’s nothing to worry about yet.” She leaned down to kiss Samuel’s forehead tenderly, lingering for a moment before pulling away.
Cash still wasn’t convinced. “You sure?”
She flashed him a small, reassuring smile. “Babies run warm sometimes. He’s fussy, that’s all.” She shifted him in her arms before gently passing him over.
Cash hesitated.
“You don’t want to help now?”
Cash scowled and took the boy, cradling him carefully in his arms. His wails continued, but the second Cash started moving, pacing around the room slowly, it seemed the cries began to lessen.
“You’re getting big, kid,” he pointed out, shifting the baby in his arms. “Won’t be long before you’re running around, raising Cain.”
His chest tightened at the thought. Will he grow up here on the ranch?
…Will Josie still be here?
It was only a matter of time before he was walking fully and talking, and having his own opinions.
Cash swallowed hard, shaking those images away. A low chuckle escaped him as he continued to rock the boy back to sleep. “You’re like a sack of potatoes,” he said quietly, brushing his fingers lightly over the soft fuzz of Samuel’s hair. “But you’re all right, little man. I’ve got you.”
Samuel’s cries softened to whimpers, then quiet hiccups. His tiny fingers curled against Cash’s shirt, and Cash felt something deep in his chest shift.
Josie was watching him. He could feel her eyes on him, but he just continued to rock Samuel… with care than he would’ve ever thought he had.
The weight of Samuel against his chest, the soft warmth of his head settling in the crook of his neck—it settled something inside of Cash. Something he had never even felt before.
He’d never had much of a use for babies. They couldn’t help themselves, and they took a lot of time and effort, as far as he could tell. He had never expected to bond with a baby before this. He had been wary this entire time, knowing a woman and a baby didn’t belong here.
But now, things were different. And holding Samuel, feeling the steadying rhythm of his heartbeat as his cries completely silenced—he couldn’t imagine looking at the boy and feeling anything other than this protectiveness he was feeling now.
He adjusted his hold on Samuel, just slightly, rubbing small circles over his back. He smiled as he listened to the soft sighs, proof that sleep was coming fast. Samuel’s tiny fingers curled around the fabric of Cash’s shirt, and immediately he felt a lump form in his throat.
Is this… a permanent feeling?
Josie cleared her throat, pulling him out of his reverie. “Let’s get him down,” she whispered, and he nodded, not looking at her.
“You know you’re a natural,” she added as he carefully lowered Samuel into his crib.
He glanced up over his shoulder at her, raising a brow, partially amused. “Doubt that.”
She smiled, stepping closer. “No, really. You’ve been wonderful with him. And with me.”
Eyes widening, Cash stood up straight and turned to her. Her voice sounded so vulnerable.
“I don’t know what I would have done without you,” she added softly. She sounded sincere. Genuine.
In a way that almost felt like... goodbye...?
A lump started to rise in Cash’s throat again as emotion bit at him. Was she going to try to leave again?
He gave a short nod. “Ain’t nothin’ but doin’ what needs doin’.”
Josie laughed softly. “You always say that. As if you’re not one of the kindest men I’ve ever met.”
Cash swallowed, suddenly feeling the weight of her words settle deep. “Kind?” he grumbled.
He wasn’t sure about being seen as “kind.” He was fair. He tried to always be fair. But he wasn’t so sure how he felt about being kind. Weren’t those types of men… soft?
He had spent so much time worrying about taking care of the ranch, his family, keeping everything together. He’d never stopped to think about what it would feel like to have someone look at him the way Josie was looking at him now.
And then, as she looked at him, the lamplight on the large dressed flickered brighter, and its light spread across her face, just as it had the moment she’d taken his hand on the front porch.
She was beautiful. Just like in that moment.
The almost-kiss.
He regretted not closing that small space between them immediately.
He wanted to do it now, but he couldn’t. Not in this moment.
Instead, he forced himself to look away from her and gave her another small nod, grumbling. “Well, goodnight, Josie,” he muttered over his shoulder as he walked out into the small hallway toward the sitting room.
The wooden floor creaked beneath his weight as he beelined to his rocking chair next to the fireplace. With a resounding sigh, he plopped down.
What the heck am I feeling? And what do I do about it?
Why were there so many emotions all of a sudden? When had all of this happened?
Just then, he heard footsteps behind him. He turned at once toward the sound of small shuffling feet at the doorway, his heart leaping oddly in his chest.
“Do you mind if I sit out here a while?” Josie asked quietly as she came over. “I still don’t think I’m quite ready for sleep…”
Cash sighed again, this time in defeat, and nodded. He wasn’t sure how long he could outrun whatever he was feeling—outrun her.
She sank onto the chair across from him and let out a tired sigh. Suddenly, she looked exhausted.
“Would you like some tea?” Cash asked gently. Too gently for even his liking. But he could tell she was tired, and wondered why she wasn’t heading to bed.
She shook her head. “I just want to sit her for a little while…” she whispered sleepily.
Why isn’t she just going to bed?
Cash watched as her eyes closed. In seconds, her breathing evened out.
She was asleep.
He watched her for a moment, his heart thudding a little too hard in his chest. He wanted to shake her awake, to stir her. But she looked so peaceful. And… he couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away.
Her lips parted slightly. The lips he wished more than anything he’d kissed. They were plump. Rosy. In a way that quickened his pulse. A stray curl had fallen across her cheek, and it choked him.
He’d never seen a woman sleeping like this before.
She was trouble for him, he knew that. But right now, he didn’t care. He welcomed the trouble.
The fire crackled softly in the hearth, and the wind whistled outside. He could have lived in that moment for the rest of his life and not tired of it.
Everything was still. Calm. Much different than it had been before Josie and Samuel had come into their lives. The boys in the bunkhouse were probably stirring, rowdy as weasels in a henhouse, even at this hour.
But this house here… this seemed like home. It was warm. Cozy.
This was exactly what he had been missing this entire time.
Finally, he forced himself to move. It was getting late. Too late. He stood up carefully and scooped Josie up in his arms, the way he had the first time he’d seen her, and again the night her leg had been hurt when she’d tried to run away.
He slipped an arm beneath her shoulders to hold her, carefully cradling her head like he would Samuel’s, and tucked the other arm under the bend of her knees as he walked toward her and Samuel’s room.
Part of him wished they were like normal husband and wife.
That they had met under different circumstances…
that she could share a room with him. There was something about it that stirred in his gut.
The thought of watching her sleep, as he’d just been doing, as he lay next to her was almost too much for him to fathom—but he wanted to.
He walked quietly into the bedroom, trying his best to be careful not to jostle Josie as he carried her to her bed. Samuel’s soft snores filled the room, and he smiled at the soothing sound, how it made his chest quake with happiness.
I did that.
Gently, he lowered Josie onto the bed, adjusting her carefully so she wouldn’t fall off the bed if she stirred. She started to murmur something in her sleep, shifting slightly as he pulled the blanket over her.
He had no idea what she said, but it didn’t matter.
His fingers lingered for a second on her shoulder…
longer than necessary, and then he trailed his fingertips up to her cheek, pushing a stray curl away from her face.
He glanced over at Samuel, curled up in his crib, little chest rising and falling heavily with each breath.
The peacefulness of it all held him captive.
He swallowed thickly, mouth suddenly dry. They were completely mesmerizing. Both of them.
He’d been fighting feelings for so long… and this was why. All the emotions coming to the surface now… they were terrifying him.
Josie was getting the best of him. This entire arrangement was getting the best of him. And he was losing the fight of a lifetime. With himself.