Chapter 44 Gianna
FORTY-FOUR
GIANNA
A busy schedule was inconvenient when Gianna was barely holding on as it was. She managed to scrape by on her finals, which was a miracle, but with the show a week away, she was now thrown into full-day practices.
It was grueling and exhausting, but while she pirouetted around the dance floor on the tips of her toes, she managed to ease her aching heart.
There were so many times that she wondered if she’d made the right decision.
She knew deep down that she did, but the pain she kept feeling made her keep rethinking it.
She just thought back to what Finn had said.
That the pain would hurt now, but it would fade.
And the pain was terrible. But so was every visit when she had to see Giulia leave again and again.
The permanency of it was what hurt the most, but it was fading.
Very, very, very slowly.
The first day she woke up after it, she felt like a zombie.
The girls came in and tried to cheer her up, which she appreciated, but just wasn’t in the mood for.
Finn stayed by her side and fed her all her favorite foods and let her watch her favorite movies and reality shows while rotting in bed.
He got someone to clean up her room too.
Without Finn, she didn’t think she would have been able to get through any of it.
He was her anchor the entire time, being understanding of the entire process even if it wasn’t linear and didn’t make the most sense.
She managed to get over hating looking at herself in the mirror, which was a relief. It always lingered after her breakdowns when she felt disgusting for letting herself get to that point. But getting over it meant that some things were at least getting a little bit better.
The rest of the week, she went to her classes and to practice, then immediately threw herself into bed once it was all over. She even managed to get ice cream with the girls the other day. Slowly, Gianna was getting back to herself. It was definitely taking time, but she was getting there.
She hadn’t seen much of Allister since that day.
He had been avoiding pretty much everyone.
Luckily, she had gotten him to agree to a hangout with everyone tonight at the house with takeout and drinks to celebrate classes officially being over.
There was no doubt that he wasn’t in the partying mood, but she was worried about him.
Gianna managed to put on an outfit that was more put together than the sweatpants and T-shirts she had been wearing all week.
Finn was leaving the office late, so she got ready in her room alone.
She managed to turn on some music, shower, do her makeup and hair, and then put on blue mom jeans with a tight pink shirt on top.
There was something cathartic about doing her makeup and getting ready like that.
She made her way out of the room, going straight to Allister’s.
There was a warm hue coming from under his door, meaning he was still in there.
She knocked, waiting for him to welcome her in.
It was muffled, but once she heard it, she opened the door slowly, peeking in to see him sitting at his desk with his glasses perched on his nose.
“Hey. Are you almost ready?” she asked, walking in and taking a seat on the bed.
He looked up, nodding slowly. “What? Yeah, I’m basically ready. I might change my shirt.”
Gianna frowned. “What are you working on? Classes are over.”
“Just some stuff for Valerio.”
“I thought he was giving you some time off.”
“I don’t want any time off,” he said, huffing and turning back to the papers on his desk.
“Allister, please talk to me,” she begged. “I know what you’re going through, literally. I know it hurts, but I’m here for you. We will get through this together.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before finally looking at her again.
“I just don’t fucking get it. How could she just walk out like that?
Just leave us? It doesn’t make any sense.
Usually I can figure things out, I can put together why someone would do what they did or understand their motivations, but I just can’t understand this.
I don’t get it and it’s driving me fucking insane. ”
Gianna gave him a weak smile. She knew exactly how he felt.
They were the same things she had been asking herself her entire life.
“I don’t think there is logic to everything.
Sometimes we don’t get the apology, or we don’t get the closure we deserve, and we just have to make peace with it.
I don’t know how exactly to do that, but if I figure it out, I’ll let you know. ”
Allister let out a small, breathless chuckle. “Please do. I would appreciate it.”
“Of course,” she said. “We’ll get through this and I’m sure your logical mind can find a way to figure out how true that is.”
“I know we will. You don’t have to be worried about me. I just needed some space.”
“I know you did, but I didn’t want you to isolate yourself.”
It was a bad habit of his that he did more so as a child, but it looked like it still followed him into his adulthood.
He would close himself off to everyone and everything, basically disappearing without a trace whenever he was seriously upset.
It used to scare the hell out of them when it happened and then he would show up a day later perfectly fine.
Luckily, as he grew older, he stopped doing it.
She really just did not want him dropping back into that habit again.
He needed to be surrounded by the people that loved him, not isolating himself.
“I’m not going to,” he said, giving her a reassuring smile. “What about you? Are you feeling better since that breakdown in your room? I’ve never seen anything like that, Gianna.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry that happened around you.”
“I’m not. Could you imagine if you were alone?”
“It was a buildup of a lot, as you could imagine, and it was overwhelming. I couldn’t control it, which I know isn’t good. It doesn’t happen that often, either.”
“Finn knew exactly what to do,” he said.
“He’s seen me have one before. Might have been the thing that actually got me to start crushing on him,” she said, grinning.
“Either way, I’m glad he was there to help you and I’m glad you’re okay. I don’t want anything like that happening to you again.”
Gianna nodded. “I know. Now, get ready so we can try to have some fun tonight.”
“I told you, I am ready,” Allister said, furrowing his brows as he motioned to his body.
“Not in that outfit,” she snorted, standing.
She left the room, giving him a chance to actually get ready this time. She was just about to reach the steps to head downstairs when Finn’s frantic eyes met hers, but they immediately relaxed when he saw her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, panic swirling through her.
He shook his head, wrapping his arms around her. “Nothing. I couldn’t find you and it freaked me out.”
“I was talking to Allister in his room.”
“I was going there now, but I saw you standing here. You weren’t in either of the rooms or bathrooms.”
Gianna pulled away from him, frowning. “What did you think happened to me?”
Finn swallowed harshly. “I was afraid that you might have had another breakdown, and that I would have been too late.”
Her heart ripped apart at his words. Had she done this to him? Made him fear that badly for her life that he was paranoid he would find her unconscious or worse somewhere in the house. It was devastating, horrifying even.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“No, no, no. What are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong. That was just me being in my head,” he said, shaking his head.
“I did this to you,” she said. “If I hadn’t gotten to that point.”
“Gianna, stop. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“Then what can I do?”
Finn placed his hands on her face, tracing his thumbs on her cheeks where a few tears had managed to slip out. “You can work on never letting yourself get to that point again. That is it.”
“I promise I won’t get to that point again,” Gianna said. She hoped that he could hear the conviction in her voice, the promise, the genuineness.
And she really would work on it. She wouldn’t wait until the pain consumed her past the point of no return. She would be more open and honest, she would let it out, and she would move on. She would talk or scream or do whatever she needed to before she kept it bottled up ever again like that.
He kissed her, accepting the promise that she made for the both of them. Her head swirled from it, but she could feel his fear and his relief. In return, she let him feel her love and apology. When they finally pulled away, she managed to feel lighter than she had in a week.
When he grabbed her hand, all his warmth seeped back into her body.
At this point, it was her life force. They made their way downstairs where Luna and Valerio were sitting on the couches with Dante, meaning everyone else was still upstairs getting ready.
Immediately, she ran over and hugged Gianna, holding onto her tightly.
“How are you feeling?” Luna asked, her green eyes wide in worry.
Gianna gave her a smile. “I’m feeling better. Thank you for everything, by the way.”
“That’s what best friends are for.”
Augustus walked in, nodding his head at everyone. “What’s up?”
“How did you get in?” Dante asked, narrowing his eyes.
“I have a key.”
Finn squeezed her hand, drawing her attention back over to him. He gave her a small smile, leaning in closer. “I have to show Augustus something on my bike. It’ll take one second, do you mind?” Finn asked her.
Gianna shook her head. “No, go ahead. I have to catch up with Luna anyway.”
He nodded, giving her a kiss. “I promise I’ll be quick.”
With that the two boys walked in the direction of the garage. When Gianna turned back to Luna and saw the huge smile she wore, her cheeks immediately turned red. “What?”