Chapter 5
Lourdes
“Why do you keep calling me?!”
“But if I had you back, all I wanna do is fuck.
Get drunk, take drugs, fuck love. All I wanna do is fuck, get drunk, hop planes, all lust!
It will be no lovin' you!” No Love by Summer Walker was quietly playing from my car radio and it had me reevaluating my life.
Specifically how I got myself in this predicament.
I had a worrisome nigga blowing my phone up all because love had me making irresponsible decisions.
I was supposed to just be having fun with Armias, but now I was pregnant and going through hell.
For the past two hours I had been miserable.
My feet were swelling up, my back was aching, and I was starving.
I had to push through all of that because I was working on a client and little Miss McKenzie made it her mission to give me a hard time.
She was a cutie pie with a head full of long and thick hair that she didn’t want anyone touching.
She was the textbook definition of tender headed and she made me jump through hoops to finish her hair.
I had two other appointments before her and they weren’t necessarily easy either, but I was up for the challenge with them.
It was just my luck that my body stopped cooperating with me once I got to my hardest client of the day.
All I wanted to do was go home, take a warm bath, and order something off Ubereats or Doordash.
I definitely didn’t feel like talking to Armias right now, but for some reason he wanted to keep bothering me.
“You said you would call me back so we could talk. You forgot?”
I sighed heavily because I didn’t care to talk about those damn DNA results.
That had to be the reason he was calling.
The email had been sent to us both when I was finishing up with my second client of the day.
My nerves were bad because Daniel screamed and hollered from the beginning of his appointment up until the end.
That usually didn’t bother me at all. I’d take a crier over a kid who wouldn’t keep still, but today I felt very moody and fragile.
All the grace and patience I could muster up had been extended to my clients.
I had none to give to Armias and he didn’t deserve it because it was his fault I was in this position in the first place.
My body was going through a million changes because of his refusal to pull out.
“We really don’t need to talk about shit,” I snapped.
“Damn…what’s wrong with you? I know you got the results of the DNA test too and I just wanted to say th-”
“I knew what it was before the test. I’m glad you know now and have a piece of mind. There’s really nothing to discuss.”
“There’s a whole lot to discuss, actually. If me asking for a DNA test upset you then I apologize. I knew what it was too, but I didn’t want it to constantly be questioned. I’m happy that it’s in black and white now so we can be all in without outside noise.”
I don’t know why but that pissed me off.
“Nigga, I don’t know what this we shit is you speak of because I’ve been all in!
I don’t have a choice because I’m my daughter's lifeline! You were able to deny my baby and ghost me for a whole month, now you’re back and trying to act like daddy of the year!
Meanwhile I’m over here working with my back hurting, swollen feet, and on an empty stomach to make sure my daughter has everything she needs!
You haven’t done shit but be mean to me,” my voice cracked as tears ran down my face.
I thought he’d go clean off, but he responded in the calmest voice. “My response to you telling me about your pregnancy was lame as fuck, but I never ghosted yo-”
“FUCK YOU!” I hung up the phone in his face and blocked his number because I didn’t want to hear all that.
I’d unblock him tomorrow, but I really wasn’t in the mood today.
I arrived home in twenty minutes and pulled into my driveway.
I had finally gotten myself to calm down but then my stomach growled.
That did it for me and I dropped my head on the stirring wheel and wept from the depths of my soul.
Four more months of this was going to be torture.
“You been hearing things and seeing things and so it seems I'm moving on my own.
The audacity to question me like you ain't leave me out here on my own.
I was traumatized and suicidal, sick and tired, I am not to blame.
Once I felt a way but not today. I'm not afraid now I can say get your bitch ass off of my phone. Please leave me alone…”
With my head still down, I turned my car off to silence the music.
“None of Your Concern” by Jhene Aiko was a bop, but it was hitting a little too close to home today.
I thought I was only crying about my body no longer being my own, but it was so much deeper.
It would always be because this pregnancy was going in a way I’d never imagined for myself.
But I had to just go ahead and get over that.
Deciding to keep my baby meant accepting the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy, and that included single motherhood.
I had a right to all my feelings, but I needed to kill the dramatics.
Even as I told myself this I only cried harder and that’s when it really hit me that for the first time ever my emotions were beyond my control.
This pregnant shit was really going to take me through there.
TAP! TAP! Two unexpected knocks startled me and made me jump up.
“What the fuck?” I mumbled as I laid eyes on a very mad man.
I always thought Armias was someone who had it altogether, but I was starting to see that he was really bat shit crazy.
Him finding my grandma’s house was puzzling enough, but now he was at my house.
The house I deliberately didn’t give him the address to. He was beginning to scare me.
I hit the locks so I could get out of the car and give him a piece of my mind.
He took me by surprise when he opened my door and firmly pulled me out of the driver seat.
I was still determined to curse him out and maybe even threaten to call the police about his stalking activity.
However, I didn’t get a chance to say anything because he took me into his arms and wrapped them around me.
It was one of those “you’re having a bad day and I think you could use one of these” type of hugs.
As much as I wasn’t feeling him, the comfort was needed and I melted in his embrace.
I cried in his chest while he slowly rocked from side to side and rubbed my back.
“I’m sorry, Lo,” he whispered in my ear.
“I know I fucked up, but I’m going to fix it.
You’re not going to go through none of this shit alone.
You hear me?” He grabbed onto my shoulders and pulled me from his chest so we could make eye contact.
He spoke with such conviction that I already knew he meant everything he was saying.
But looking into his eyes reaffirmed that and I was suddenly weak in the knees. I had to control it. Immediately.
“Ali, how did you get my address?”
His face fell flat. “You on that Ali shit again, huh?”
“I’m really not playing,” I replied evenly. I wasn’t calm or non-chalant about how he kept finding me, but I had no more energy to give. I was exhausted.
“If this is the house you plan on bringing my baby back to then I was going to find out eventually,” he responded just as calmly as me. He clutched both sides of my face and began thumbing my tears away as if everything was everything. Yea, he was loony tunes, for real.
“You were going to find out when I wanted to tell you.” I moved his hands away and backed out of his arms. “I don’t know how you keep finding me, but I’m starting to get scared.”
“I don’t know why. Anybody can be found, so I’m sorry if you thought you were about to duck and dodge me.
And I guess I can understand that me popping up on you is unsettling, but I would feel like less of a man if I didn’t try hard enough.
Imagine me claiming that I want to be involved but all I do is call or text your phone.
I’m not the nigga that’s just gonna talk. I’m all about actions.”
My body betrayed me as my heart raced and my pussy convulsed at the same time.
I wanted to be mad. I really did…but he was saying all the right shit and looking good while doing it.
He had a fresh lining and retwist and his mouth was glistening from diamond grills.
He was casually fresh in a black True Religion jogging suit with white G-Nikes, but his diamond cross chain and plain jane rolex gave the ensemble a big boost. He needed to get the fuck away from my house.
“Whatever, Armias,” I slipped up and said his name. I couldn’t help myself. It was a harder task to commit to saying Ali. It felt so unnatural coming off my tongue. “You obviously gon’ do whatever you want, but you have to respect me. Our daughter doesn’t mean you can bully your way into my space.”
His face was turning up in contempt but then he took a deep breath as if he was in deep thought.
“You not wrong, Lo. Going forward, I’ll keep that in mind and move with tact.
But I pulled up today because I didn’t like the way you sounded.
Then you straight up told me that you were in pain and I wasn’t feeling that. ”
I burst into laughter. “Nigga, I’m not feeling it either, but how is you pulling up to my house going to solve it?”
“Let me show you.” He closed my car door while grabbing a hold of my hand and then pulling me towards his brand new white Land Rover.
He’d pulled up on me at my Granny’s house in it and I silently gushed over it.
I always pictured myself driving a luxury SUV when I became a mom.
He led me around to the passenger door of the truck and opened it, revealing a bunch of plastic grocery bags.