Chapter 22
Chapter
Twenty-Two
The bass from the club speakers vibrated through Ethan's bones. He sat at the bar, barely touching the drink Noah had ordered him, watching the crowd writhe on the dance floor.
"What about him?" Noah pointed subtly toward a tall guy with kind eyes and an easy smile. "He's been checking you out for the past ten minutes."
Ethan's stomach clenched. "I don't know."
"Or there's the redhead by the DJ booth." Noah's voice stayed gentle, like he was trying not to spook a frightened animal. "He seems nice."
They all seemed nice. That was the problem. Clean-cut, attractive men who probably had normal jobs and normal lives and had no idea they were being considered as solutions to a demonic contract.
"Maybe we should go home." Ethan pushed his drink away. "This was a terrible idea."
"You're the one who insisted on coming." Noah studied him over the rim of his own glass. "Said it was the only way."
"I know, but..." Ethan's throat tightened. "Every time I look at someone, all I can think about is Mal sitting alone in my apartment, knowing exactly what I'm here to do."
Noah set his drink down. "Then why are we here?"
"Because I have to do something." Ethan's voice came out raw. "Because if I don't void this contract, they'll send him back to Hell and assign someone worse."
"And you think this is the answer?"
"What else can I do?" Ethan's eyes burned.
Noah went quiet for a long moment. "What if you fulfilled the contract with Mal?"
"I'd still be damned," Ethan reminded himself.
"Can love damn you?"
What kind of question was that? Ethan decided to down the rest of his drink after all.
He looked at his friend. "I've told you what happens to pure souls in Hell."
"Remind me once more."
"Just stop." Ethan tightened his grip around his glass.
The DJ switched tracks. Bodies surged on the dance floor as the beat picked up.
"The tall guy's coming over," Noah warned.
Ethan's heart slammed against his ribcage, but he made himself stay put. This was why he'd come here. This was what he had to do.
The stranger slid onto the empty barstool beside him. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Sure." Ethan forced a smile. Up close, the man's kind eyes made this even harder. "I'm… Ethan?"
Why did he make that sound like a question?
Why did he still have to be so awkward ?
"James," the tall man said, ignoring Ethan's nerves. His short hair was a dark shade of brown. "I hope this isn't too forward, but I noticed you when you first came in."
Ethan felt himself flush bright red. Under other circumstances, Ethan might have found James attractive. He seemed genuine, with an easy smile and none of Kyle's pretension. The kind of guy Ethan would have dreamed of meeting before...
Before Mal.
"Not too forward," he squeaked. "I noticed you too."
Noah shifted on Ethan's other side, radiating concern. But he'd promised to support whatever Ethan decided to do tonight.
One drink turned into two, and after three, Ethan found that he could form sentences without his voice rising in pitch.
James worked in graphic design. He had a cat named Princess–because of course he did. He even laughed at Ethan's bad jokes about library cataloging.
"Want to get out of here?" James asked when their glasses were both empty. "My place isn't far."
Ethan's stomach lurched. This was the moment. The reason he'd come here.
He thought of Mal sitting alone in his apartment. Of the soul-stripping machine waiting in Hell.
"Yeah." Ethan stood on shaky legs. "Actually, I got a hotel room."
Noah caught his arm. "Are you sure about this?"
No. God, no.
But this was a perfect opportunity.
"Promise I'm not going to harm your friend," James said.
Noah did not seem convinced.
Ethan shot him an apologetic look. "I'll text you later," he said before following James toward the exit.
James hailed a rideshare outside the club. As they waited, he touched Ethan's hand. "You okay?" he asked. "We don't have to?—"
"I'm fine." Ethan forced another smile.
The car arrived. Ethan slid into the backseat, his heart thundering so loud he could barely hear himself giving the name of the hotel to the driver.
The drive felt endless and too short all at once while Ethan tried not to lose his nerve.
In a few short hours, all of this would be over.
His contract would be void.
Mal would go back to Hell.
They'd likely never see one another again, and Ethan would have to forget that any of this ever happened.
He blinked rapidly.
God, he couldn't let his thoughts go there.
The hotel lobby gleamed with polished marble and brass fixtures. Ethan's shoes squeaked against the floor as he approached the front desk to be handed his keycard. The lady smiled at him. He tried to smile back.
The elevator ride to the sixth floor stretched into eternity. James stood close enough that Ethan could smell his cologne—something clean and subtle, nothing like Mal's hint of smoke and brimstone.
Don't think about Mal .
The key card beeped green. Ethan pushed the door open to reveal a standard hotel room with crisp white bedding and generic art on the walls.
"Nice place." James wandered to the window, giving Ethan space. "The view's pretty good from up here."
"Yeah." Ethan hadn't even noticed the view. His attention fixed on the bed, its stark sheets suddenly the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen.
"Listen." James turned from the window. "You seem really tense. We could just talk for a while, or?—"
"No." Ethan stepped closer, forcing himself to move before he lost his nerve. "Talking's not what I came here for."
The words sounded mechanical to his own ears, but James didn't seem to notice. He smiled and reached for Ethan's hand.
Ethan let James draw him closer. The other man's hands were warm and steady on his waist. This was fine. This was normal. Just two consenting adults about to?—
His breath caught as James kissed him. It wasn't bad. James clearly knew what he was doing, his lips gentle but confident against Ethan's.
But there was no spark of electricity. No tail curling possessively around his waist. No hint of smoke and heat.
James's hands slid under Ethan's shirt. "You're shaking."
"Sorry." Ethan tried to focus on the moment, on the physical sensations. "Just nervous."
"We can stop."
The amount of relief Ethan felt at that suggestion was entirely ridiculous, and it must have been written on his face because James pulled back.
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"Nothing. I'm fine." Ethan yanked his own shirt over his head, hoping action would drown out the screaming in his head. "Keep going."
James studied him for a long moment, then shook his head. "No."
"What?"
"Something's not right here." James licked his lips. "Look, you seem great, but this feels wrong. You're clearly not into it, and I'm not the kind of guy who takes advantage."
"Please." Ethan's voice cracked. "I have to do this. You don't understand what's at stake."
"Then help me understand." James sat on the edge of the bed. "What's really going on?"
Ethan sank onto the mattress beside him, head dropping into his hands. How could he possibly explain? How could he convince someone else when he could barely convince himself?
Sorry, I need to lose my virginity to void a contract with the demon I'm in love with?
"There's someone else, isn't there?" James asked quietly.
A laugh that was almost a sob escaped Ethan's throat. "It's complicated."
"It usually is." James stood and retrieved Ethan's shirt from the floor. "But this isn't the answer."
"You don't know that." But Ethan wasn't sorry to pull his shirt back on.
"Maybe not." James headed for the door. "But I know whatever's going on with you, you should be dealing with it sober and with your clothes on."
The door clicked shut behind him, leaving Ethan alone in the sterile hotel room.
He pulled out his phone with trembling hands and typed: "Noah? Can you come get me?"
Then he curled up on the massive bed, hugging his knees to his chest, and tried to stop the tears from falling.
Why did he have to be such a goddamn failure?
Because none of this was right. None of this had ever been right.
The mattress dipped beside him. Familiar arms pulled him close, and that scent of smoke and heat wrapped around him like a shield, soothing all the hurt inside of him.
Mal.
Ethan didn't know where he'd come from, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was here .
"Noah told me you needed me," Mal whispered against his hair.
Ethan pressed his face into his demon's chest, fingers curling in his shirt. The dam broke. All the fear and pain and desperation of the evening poured out in heaving sobs.
Mal held him through it, one hand stroking his back while his tail wound protectively around Ethan's waist. He didn't offer empty reassurances or tell Ethan everything would be okay. He just stayed, solid and present, letting Ethan cry himself out.
"I couldn't do it." Ethan's voice came out raw. "I tried, but I couldn't?—"
"I know." Mal's arms tightened around him. "I know."
"It's not just that I couldn't." Ethan pressed closer, already wishing they were both naked because Mal's clothes felt like too much of a barrier. It was so different from being with James. With Mal, he didn't have to 'force' anything. For being so wrong, his desires seemed so natural—and he didn't want to fight them anymore. "I don't want anyone else, ever."
Mal went still. "Ethan…"
"No, listen." Ethan pulled back just enough to see Mal's face in the dim hotel room light. "I've been trying so hard to save my soul, but what's the point? I already feel like I'm in Hell just thinking about never seeing you again."
"You can't mean that." Pain twisted Mal's features. "You saw those documents. The machines…"
"I don't care." Ethan held Mal's gaze. "Let me choose this. Let me choose you."
"They'll corrupt your soul."
"Then I'll be corrupted." Ethan's voice steadied. "But I'll have a lifetime with you first. That's worth more to me than an eternity of safety without you."
"Ethan, please." Mal's voice broke. "Don't do this. Not for me."
"I'm not doing it for you." Ethan touched Mal's face, thumb brushing his cheek. "I'm doing it for us. Because I love you."
Mal shuddered at the words, his tail coiling tighter around Ethan's waist. "You can't?—"
"I can," Ethan insisted. "And if loving you damns me, then I'll be damned. I choose love." He pressed a kiss to Mal's lips. Finally he had the clarity he'd been looking for all night. "I will always choose love."
"Ethan..."
Ethan cut off Mal's words with another kiss. A soft moan escaped his demon's throat before he finally kissed back. It was desperate and messy and perfect, and Ethan never wanted it to stop.
Mal knew he should not be giving in to Ethan, but how could he resist? Ethan clung to him with all the ferocious passion of someone who'd just discovered what he actually wanted and wasn't afraid to take it.
And Ethan's mouth... Oh fuck, Ethan's mouth on his, tongue delving deep as though trying to consume him, hands fumbling at the buttons on Mal's shirt…
How could he say no?
He couldn't. Not now.
So he let himself be stripped, Ethan's hands roaming across skin and scars.
"Tell me what you want," he whispered into Ethan's ear before taking the lobe between his teeth.
"You," Ethan moaned. "Just you..."
The last shred of self-preservation Mal had left evaporated at those words.
He flipped them so that Ethan lay beneath him. Then he took his time undressing his human, exploring every inch of Ethan's naked body, kissing, licking, nipping. If he was going to take Ethan's innocence, he was going to make sure he enjoyed losing it.
Ethan writhed against him, arching into every touch. His eyes were closed as though savoring every sensation. His fingers clenched in the hotel sheets while Mal licked along the crease where leg met groin.
When Ethan finally opened his eyes to meet Mal's gaze, they burned with lust. "Please." Even despite his state of arousal, he had the sweetest smile on his face.
He was so beautiful Mal's demon heart ached. Beautiful and innocent and trusting, spread out beneath Mal, offering himself completely, knowing full well what that would mean.
Mal's cock twitched at the sight. He'd been half hard since Ethan's declaration, and the needy way Ethan looked up at him sent all the remaining blood in his brain straight downward.
He bent to kiss Ethan's lips again, aligning their bodies, relishing the friction of flesh on flesh as Ethan wrapped his legs around Mal's waist.
Ethan moaned into the kiss and rolled his hips against Mal with an urgency born of desperation. His nails dug into Mal's back, leaving marks that Mal hoped would linger. Marks that Mal wanted to keep forever, a record of this night.
Of Ethan's choice. To give Mal his heart.
To give Mal everything.
Even though Mal was not worthy of it.
"I love you," Ethan whispered against Mal's lips when Mal stopped moving, as if he could guess at Mal's thoughts.
Love. It was such a big word. A foreign word to any demon.
Demons could not feel love. So what was Mal doing here?
"You don't have to say it back." Ethan traced his fingers down Mal's spine, sending a pleasant shiver through Mal's body. "I know it's a difficult concept for you."
Mal shook his head. It wasn't a difficult concept. It was an impossibility. No light remained inside a demon's soul, and with no light, there could be no love.
But if that was true, what was that pressure inside his chest? That tightness in his throat? The burning in his eyes?
What were the feelings coursing through his entire being when Ethan drew him into another kiss that made him want to cling to this man like a lifeline and never let go?
The sensation nearly drowned him as Ethan's fingers slid into his hair, gripping his horns, holding onto him like nothing in the world mattered more than Mal being here.
"Please," Ethan murmured again when Mal pulled away slightly. "There's a small bottle of lube in my pants pocket."
Mal grabbed it and poured the slick liquid onto his fingertips as Ethan spread his legs wider. He was going to be careful. Ethan had never allowed anyone inside him before, and hurting him was the last thing Mal wanted to do.
He circled around Ethan's hole, pressing gently. Ethan tensed briefly, and Mal paused, allowing his human to adjust. When his muscles relaxed again, he slowly pushed his finger in.
Ethan's breath hitched, but he didn't flinch, so Mal continued until his entire finger was inside. He waited a few seconds longer, then withdrew and pushed back in.
Ethan moaned softly.
Encouraged, Mal repeated the motions until Ethan relaxed further, then added a second finger.
Ethan's body clenched around him.
"Relax," Mal whispered against his temple. He placed tender kisses along Ethan's cheek until he felt the muscles release again.
"It feels weird," Ethan breathed out, his voice strained with a mix of pleasure and discomfort. "Good weird..."
Mal scissored his fingers, stretching Ethan open. His cock throbbed at the sound that tumbled from Ethan's lips, but he ignored its demands, focusing instead on Ethan. On making him ready. On bringing pleasure, not causing pain.
He crooked his fingers, searching, and grinned as Ethan gasped and arched off the bed.
There it was—that spot inside that would make the pain of penetration worth enduring. Mal massaged it, drinking in every sound that fell from Ethan's mouth, every twitch and shudder, every tremor that passed through his body.
Only when Mal could easily thrust two fingers in and out did he add more lube and a third digit.
Ethan hissed. Mal paused, waiting, but Ethan shook his head.
"No. Keep going... It hurts, but... I want this... Need you inside me..."
Mal swallowed hard at those words, at the desire in his human's tone. He pushed deeper, watching Ethan's eyes flutter shut as his body stretched further. Then, when he could slide three fingers in and out without resistance, he withdrew his hand.
He slicked his length, then leaned over Ethan, positioning himself at his entrance.
This was the moment.
Ethan was ready.
Mal could tell by the look in his eyes, so full of open desire. Ethan was hiding nothing, and it would have been pointless to ask him again if he was sure.
Ethan wanted this because he loved him, because he couldn't fathom doing this with anyone else, couldn't envision a life without Mal.
His light shone so brightly it illuminated all the dark places inside of Mal.
Like the one that made him want to do this even though he would be damning the person he... The person he...
A dry sob broke free from his lips.
Ethan's eyes widened in alarm. "Mal? What?—"
"I can't..." Mal squeezed his eyes shut, fighting with himself. "I can't... I'm so sorry..." His shoulders shook. His whole being trembled.
"What do you mean?"
Ethan sat up, wrapping his arms around Mal, pulling him close.
Mal clung to his human, pressing his face into Ethan's neck. "I love you." He tested the words on his tongue and, impossibly, found them to be true.
"Oh." It was a soft sound of surprise that escaped Ethan's lips.
Mal lifted his head and gazed into his human's eyes. "I love you," he said again, the feeling rearranging something inside of him. Hell would come for him, but he would not damn Ethan, wouldn't let Hell put him into one of those machines. One of those...
Something flashed before his eyes. A vision of himself stripped into the Resonance Engine.
A memory.
Fuck.
"Mal?" Ethan's worried voice pierced the fog of confusion clouding Mal's mind. "Are you all right?"
Mal didn't know how to answer that. The strangest sensation spread through his body. Something bright and heavy at once. He felt dazed, like the world tilted under him, only not quite. Like he'd been living inside a 2D painting and suddenly the world gained depth.
And color. So much beautiful color.
"I remember."
He pulled away from Ethan to sit back on his heels in shock, blinking rapidly.
Everything flooded back into his mind. He had not been born a demon, and while his mortal life was not among the things he could remember, he remembered what Hell had done to him. How they'd tortured him. How they'd stripped him of his light.
They'd tried to, anyway.
Their failure at extinguishing that last spark of goodness inside of him was what made him so incompetent in their eyes.
And now Ethan had taken that spark and nurtured it, breathing new life into the tiny flame that had somehow survived Hell. He'd brought light back into the darkness. Back into Mal's heart.
"I love you," he repeated, feeling the truth of those words settle within him.
Ethan stared at him, wide-eyed. "Your horns... They've disappeared."
"They have?" Mal raised a hand to his head, surprised to find only smooth skin there instead of his demonic appendages. He chuckled at the absurdity of the situation.
"Why are you laughing?"
"I don't know." But Mal only laughed harder and he couldn't stop. He hadn't felt this light in... ever. "This is going to create so much paperwork for my boss."