28. Nash
28
NASH
T he house is a fucking mess.
I sure do know how to throw a party. After I went upstairs with Kinsley, I have no clue what happened down here before everyone finally filed out of the house around 6 am. I don’t even know when the little devil slipped out of my bed and fled like a phantom into the night.
But what I do know is that last night was the first time in a really long fucking time I slept through the night without waking to a terrible nightmare. Was it because Kinsley was wrapped in my arms with my nose buried deep in her soft hair that smelled of jasmine and coconuts? Who fucking knows, but I’m grateful nonetheless.
Stepping over a random man lying on the floor in the middle of the kitchen cradling an empty beer bottle like it’s his firstborn child, I switch on the coffee machine. The rich scent of coffee beans fills my nostrils, soothing my worry about the mess I’ve been left to clean. Instead of dwelling on the massive job that lay ahead of me, I finish making my coffee and walk to the back patio.
The sun is already sitting high in the sky, casting a soft glow over the vast backyard. Sunlight dances off the surface of the pool, nearly blinding me.
I pull out a chair from under the wooden table and settle down, enjoying the crisp air. I forgot to throw on a shirt before coming downstairs, but I don’t mind the cool air against my skin. If anything, I welcome it.
Sipping on the hot coffee, I sigh with relief when the liquid touches my lips. Fuck yeah. This is exactly what I needed.
I’m not one to sit outside and enjoy a coffee on the patio this time of the morning because I’m usually asleep or too violently hungover to consume such a rich drink, instead opting to continue drinking alcohol. But for some reason, I feel so… refreshed this morning.
And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because of the little devil.
Images of what we did last night come flooding back to me in strong waves. The way she cried my name when she came on my cock is something I’m never going to forget.
When I found her having a panic attack after walking in on a threesome happening in one of the spare bedrooms, I couldn’t understand what could have brought it on. Kinsley is strong-headed and knows what she wants and how to get it. She’s driven, smart, and so fucking beautiful. Which makes it hard to figure out what demons she’s running from.
Who is she running from?
The selfish part of me wants to demand she tell me everything, but I know I can’t do that. If I pressure her into telling me what her demons are, then I have to show my hand in return and that’s not something I want to do. Not yet, at least.
I don’t know what it is about the little devil that makes me want to slip off my mask and bare myself to her—heart and fucking soul. But the thought alone terrifies me because what if she doesn’t accept the real me? The Nash Beck no one knows.
I don’t think it’s something I could handle, so it’s easier to stay hidden in the dark where I can continue to keep my cards close to my chest and my heart intact.
“Nashie!”
With the coffee mug halfway to my lips, my eyes snap up to see Kitty walking around the side of my house and across the freshly cut grass in nothing but a tiny black lingerie set. Her tits are barely covered by the thin lace material and a pair of thigh-high black leather boots rests comfortably against her skin. She sways her hips as she walks with what I’m sure is meant to be a seductive smile on her red-painted lips.
“What the fuck,” I murmur in disbelief at what I’m seeing.
Is she for fucking real right now?
Before Kitty reaches the patio, I spring into action. I leap out of the chair and meet her at the edge of the concrete, my hands firmly on her bare shoulders to hold her in place. There is not a fucking chance in hell I’m letting her anywhere near my house.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I hiss through clenched teeth. “You need to leave. Now .”
Kitty grins at me, not even the slightest bit intimidated by the annoyance in my tone. “Nashie, I’ve missed you. You haven’t been answering my calls the past few weeks, so I thought I would stop by and see if you wanted to have a repeat of our last night together.” She strokes my arm, but her touch makes me cringe.
“I have a girlfriend, so you need to fucking leave. I won’t ask you again.”
Kitty frowns, tilted her head to the side. “A girlfriend? Since when? The Nash I know would never get a girlfriend.”
God, does she not watch the news?
I spin her by the shoulders and march her to the side of the house. “Yeah, well, things have changed. You can’t come by here anymore, you hear me?”
“But Nashie?—”
Click .
I stop dead in my tracks. Oh, fuck .
Click. Click. Click .
Oh, no, no, no . This can’t fucking be happening right now.
My head snaps to the left, scanning the thick trees and multiple bushes lining the backyard. And sure enough, I see it. A lens sticking out of one of the bushes. After many years of dealing with the asshole paps, I’ve gotten rather good at spotting them.
How the fuck did I miss this one?
I swing the side gate open and guide Kitty through it. “If I see you on my property again, I’ll have no issue with getting the police involved, okay? Stay the fuck away. I mean it.”
Kitty turns and throws a pout at me. “You’re a fucking bore, Nashie. I want the old Nash back.”
I don’t bother responding before I slam the gate shut in her face, my anger spiking through the roof. Shoving both of my hands through my hair, I tug at the roots. My good mood from spending the night with Kinsley has just been ripped out from my feet, leaving me on my fucking ass in the dirt.
A pap just snapped a photo of me with a half-naked woman leaving my house. In a matter of hours, the photos are going to be splashed across every tabloid and newspaper in this goddamn city. The chances of James and Adam not seeing the photos are not in my favor, which means Kinsley will also see them by the end of the day.
Fuck .
This is not good at all.
When I spin around, the pap hiding in my bushes is nowhere to be found, leaving me with the cluster fuck of a mess they just threw my way.
As I predicted, the images of Kitty and I have been circling the media all afternoon. No matter what television station I switch on, I can’t escape seeing myself in sweatpants and no shirt escorting Kitty away from my house in lingerie. The pap who snapped the photos knew exactly what he was doing.
I wish he hadn’t fled before I got the chance to get my hands on him. He would’ve regretted taking those damn photos once I was done with him.
With this scandal out of my control, I decided to drown my worries with alcohol and ignore every phone call from James.
I could hear his voice in the back of my mind scolding me for what happened this morning, so instead of facing the music, I sat on the couch with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a cigarette in the other for the rest of the day.
I managed to block out the incessant ringtone of my phone after an hour or two, allowing myself to get lost in my thoughts as I drank myself stupid. I wish I could say I had the option to prevent the events of this morning, but it seems my past lifestyle is starting to catch up to me. And at the worst possible time, too.
Everything has been going well with Kinsley, and I just know this scandal is going to destroy whatever is happening between us.
It’s a kick in the teeth, really.
Whatever progress we have made with this deal is going to go up in fucking flames all because of Kitty and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to sit back and watch the fire continue to burn until it’s licking at the tips of my toes, ready to consume me.
I have no idea when the sun set and darkness consumed the room or where the hell Johnny went after I told him to get the fuck out of the house. Being alone is better than having him hover around me.
The house is still trashed, but I’m not bothered to clean it up. I don’t have the energy to do much else other than drink and smoke.
As the last drops of Jack hit the back of my throat, the doorbell sounds loudly throughout the house. Glancing at the clock on the wall above the television that is quietly showing the evening news, I realize it’s already 7 pm.
I haven’t moved in hours.
A slow chuckle falls from my lips when the doorbell rings again, followed by loud knocking. I don’t need to see the person standing on the other side to know it’s the little devil. And she sounds fucking pissed.
I toss the empty Jack Daniels bottle to the other side of the couch and stand on wobbly legs. Fucking hell, I’m more wasted than I thought.
Somehow, I manage to reach the front door in the dark without tripping on the trash still littering the floor, and rip the door open.
Kinsley is mid-knock when our eyes clash. Her usual ocean-blue doe eyes are cold and icy as they stare back at me. They’re unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Despite knowing she is pissed at me, I have no shame drinking in her usual work attire and the way the fabric of her clothes cling to her soft, toned body.
I close my eyes and steady myself on the door frame, seconds away from collapsing at her feet.
“Are you seriously fucking drunk right now when we have a major problem?” she sneers.
Before I can answer, she’s shoving me backward by my shoulders so she can walk into the foyer. She slams the door behind her and flicks on a light switch overhead.
A hiss falls from my lips at the sudden assault of light, forcing me to watch her through squinted eyes as she folds her arms over her chest.
If looks could kill, I’d be fucking six feet under by now.
“Nash, what the hell is going on?” she demands, a fire in her tone.
“Hey to you too,” I slur with a smile. I know the little devil can’t resist my smile.
She rolls her eyes, not taking any of my shit. “Care to explain the photos of you and a half-naked woman circling the media?”
“I can explain,” I murmur, licking my dry lips. “It’s not what it looks like, I promise.”
Kinsley snorts. “You want to know what it looks like to me, Nash? It looks like you escorting a woman you have a history of sleeping with out of your house after we spent the night together. Do you know how fucked up that is?” She throws her hands in the air and shakes her head. “James and Adam are having to work hard to put out the fucking fire you started. Why would you ruin this deal when it’s been going so well?”
My head is spinning so much from the alcohol coursing through my veins that I’m finding it hard to keep up with what Kinsley is saying. Any words I would need to form a logical response are nowhere to be seen, leaving me dizzy as fuck and unable to speak.
This is not helping my case at all.
Kinsley chuckles dryly at my lack of response and shakes her head. “Just when everything was going so well with us and I thought… Well, it doesn’t matter anymore because it’s all been for nothing.”
She’s hurt at the idea that I went and slept with another woman after the night we shared. “Kin, please…”
“And of course, you turn straight to alcohol and drugs when the going gets tough and you don’t want to face the music.” She looks around the trashed house before her eyes meet mine. They’re filled with an emotion I can’t decipher and it only pains me further. “You’re stronger than that, Nash. You don’t need to hide behind that shit instead of facing whatever is troubling you.”
For some reason, those words are what sober me up enough to form a response.
“You don’t know shit about me, little devil. You don’t know why I do what I do.”
Kinsley regards me for a moment before shaking her head. “I know enough about you to know that you’re dealing with some trauma regarding your family and childhood that has made you think your voice isn’t worth hearing. So, instead, you turn to drugs and alcohol to silence yourself because it’s easier than speaking up.” She steps forward, her eyes brewing with an impending storm. “Let me tell you this right now, if you don’t face whatever demons you’re running from then you’ll spend the rest of your life running, exhausting yourself to the point the demons win and you’re forever consumed by the darkness. I don’t want that for you, Nash.”
I swallow hard at her words. How the fuck can she see me so clearly? How did she see past the mask I’ve been hiding behind since I was twelve years old?
The little devil is the first person to ever call me out on my bullshit and to say I’m shocked is an understatement, rendering me speechless.
“You should take your own advice, little devil.”
Kinsley sighs and steps back, running a hand through her hair. She’s frustrated and over my shit, I know that much. I know she has more she wants to say, but she pushes the words back down her throat instead of voicing them.
“I have to go,” she finally says after a moment. I reach for her, wanting to feel her skin against mine, but she pulls her hand out of my weak grasp. “Don’t, Nash. I can’t.”
The way she chokes on the last word nearly tears my heart out of my chest.
“Kin, please. I can explain everything.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t want to hear it. Just… please.”
I’m helpless as I watch the little devil swing the front door open and storm out of the house. I have no doubt there are paps hiding in the bushes in the front yard trying their best to capture this moment.
If I wasn’t so caught up in watching Kinsley wipe tears from her eyes as she slides into the front seat of her car, I would’ve beat the shit out of every pap I could get my hands on. I’m motionless as I watch her drive away into the darkness, taking a piece of my soul with her.
The front door opens and closes in one swift movement. I close my eyes and groan, not in the mood to converse with whoever just walked in.
After Kinsley stormed out of the house a couple of hours ago, I have been sitting on the couch in complete darkness staring at the new bottle of Jack on the coffee table. It’s taunting me, begging to taste my lips.
The pained look on her face and the tears in her eyes haven’t left my mind. My heart twists uncomfortably each time the image pops into my head—a reminder of my fuck up.
That’s all I seem to do these days. Fuck shit up, and not in a good way.
I’m a fucking mess, that much is clear.
“God, why is it so fucking dark in here,” Axel comments, his husky voice booming throughout the house.
“Hang on. I’ll flip the light on.” That’s Luca’s voice.
Why are they here at this time of the night?
“Where do you think he is?” Axel asks, his footsteps growing closer to the living room.
“If the faint amber glow in the living room is anything to go by, I would say he’s in there with a cigarette perched between his fingers.”
I tear my gaze away from the Jack Daniels bottle, blinking slowly as I glare at the source that gave me away. The lit cigarette has nearly burned to the butt, but I make no move to stub it out in the ashtray on the coffee table.
Instead, I sigh. No point in trying to avoid my bandmates now they know I’m here.
“Nash?” Luca calls out as they enter the living room.
“What do you want?” I barely recognize my voice, cracking slightly with each syllable as it sounds through the room, making them stop in their tracks. “I want to be alone.”
“We saw you in the news tonight.” Axel walks around the couch to stand in front of me, while Luca flips on the overhead light.
I hiss at the intrusion of light after sitting in darkness for who knows how long. Axel and Luca’s figures towering over me are nothing but a blur as I squint, protecting my sensitive eyes. If I weren’t so numb, I would have no problem getting up and smacking them upside the head for pulling a stunt like that.
“I didn’t know you were still fucking other women on the side.” Axel nudges my shoulder with his fist, pride coating his voice. “It sucks you got caught though. That’s a bummer.”
My brows crease as my vision returns to normal. “That’s not what happened.”
Axel and Luca share a quizzical look before returning their gaze to me. I narrow my eyes at them. I don’t like what’s happening. At all.
Luca runs his fingers through the ends of his hair, the red streaks beginning to fade. “I think what Axel is trying to say is, we didn’t know you and Kinsley weren’t… together, together .”
I grit my teeth, trying my damn hardest not to explode at these two idiots. “We’re not, but I wasn’t fucking around behind her back. Those images… it’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Then explain it to us.” Axel shoves his hands into the pockets of his black ripped jeans and shrugs.
I sigh and lean my head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “Kitty came by this morning looking to hook up. I don’t know how she got through the locked gate, but she did. A pap was hiding in the bushes in the backyard. Again, I don’t know how either of them got through, but they did.” I lift my head and meet their gazes, my jaw tense. “This wasn’t planned.”
“We believe you,” Luca is quick to say before Axel can open his mouth. “After you left the party early with Kin, I had a feeling something happened between you two. And with how you look at her… I don’t know, man. I didn’t believe those photos were real for a second.”
“I had hope,” Axel comments, followed by a low chuckle. Luca nudges his ribs, forcing a puff of air from his lungs. They share a tense gaze before Axel sighs. “Look, we came by because we figured you might want some sort of distraction. I know how much you love to drink and snort some blow, so we came prepared.”
My eyes widen when Axel reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hefty bag of cocaine. He waves it in front of my face, a mischievous look in his blue eyes.
Despite how numb my body feels, the tips of my fingers tingle at the sight of the drug. I have relied on cocaine many times in my life to get me through the darkest hours I faced. Even now, it’s all I can think about.
The hit.
The rush.
The relief .
But the little devil’s voice rings in the back of my mind.
You’re stronger than you know, Nash.
Whatever you’re dealing with, just know you’re not alone.
Her voice drowns out the whispers from the demons, encouraging me to take the bag from Axel and mix it with the Jack on the table. I know it’s the only thing that will calm the storm brewing in my chest and allow me a moment of silence.
But for some reason, I want to listen to the sweet voice filling my mind and not the harsh whispers. Maybe it’s curiosity to test my willpower in a moment where I would normally be quick to give in to my desire of getting fucked up and forgetting about my problems. Or maybe I just don’t want to continue being a fuck up in her eyes.
If the little devil believes I have some good in me, it wouldn’t hurt to listen to her. It’s the least I can do after what happened today.
“I don’t want it.”
Axel and Luca share another look, their eyes wide with confusion. In all the years I’ve known them, I have never once turned down the opportunity to get off my face with blow. It’s a first for them.
“Um, are you okay?” Axel asks, his eyes roaming over my face as if to check for a sign as to why I’m turning them down.
“I don’t want it,” I repeat a little more forcefully this time. “Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to be alone.”
“But, Nash…” Luca trails off, blinking slowly, his brown eyes filled with confusion.
“Go. Now. I won’t ask again.”
It’s taking everything in me not to blow my top. If I’m being honest, the need to fill my nose with so much white powder until I black out for the rest of the night makes my skin itch, desperate for a hit.
You’re stronger than you think .
Axel slides the clear plastic bag into his pocket and holds up his hands in defense, offering me a half-hearted smile. “Okay, Nashie, if you say so. We’re going to the strip club, so if you want to join us, you know where we’ll be.”
The ache in my jaw from how hard my teeth are clenched keeps me from uttering a response. I simply nod my goodbye and wait for them to leave. They cast me one last glance before they turn and walk out of the room.
When the front door closes behind them, I press my palms into my eyes, welcoming the darkness. After everything that has happened today, I feel like I’m losing my goddamn mind.
And it’s all because of the little devil.
You’re stronger than you think .
God, I hope she’s fucking right because as of right now, I have never felt weaker.