27. Kinsley
27
KINSLEY
I melt into the kiss, allowing Nash to pull me out of the depths of Hell I was moments away from slipping into without a way of returning. Somehow, his touch has brought me back to the light, allowing me to breathe properly again.
My heart slams against my rib cage as Nash’s hand slides up to my cheek, holding me firmly in place as his lips move gently against mine, coaxing and soothing as he takes his time. It’s both tender and passionate.
After a moment, Nash pulls away and presses me to his chest, holding me firmly against his warm body. His voice sounding over the top of my head shocks me for a moment.
“Next time, lock the fucking door.”
I’m swept away from the room once Nash has slammed the door shut behind him. His arm is strong and warm around my waist as he guides me to his bedroom. It’s dark when we step inside, but light quickly illuminates the room when Nash flicks the switch on.
I gingerly walk toward his bed, settling down on the edge of it. My mind is still reeling from the panic attack. I hate myself for allowing something as small as witnessing people having sex to set me off as much as it did.
Lately, the memories have been harder to suppress and I’m unsure why. I need to do something to fix it because if I don’t, I fear the darkness may finally consume me.
“Are you okay, Kin?”
I lift my head to see Nash leaning against the closed door with his hands in his pockets. Inky curls fall over his eyes, but I still feel the intensity of them piercing my soul.
Inhaling a deep breath, I shrug. “Yes and no.”
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“Not really,” I admit. Exhaling slowly, I fiddle with the beaded bracelet, unable to meet his gaze any longer. “I just… Sometimes it’s hard, you know. To face your demons every day with no end in sight as to when you’ll finally win the war. It’s exhausting.”
“I know how you feel, little devil.” Heavy footsteps sound in the room as Nash walks toward me. His heavy mass settles on the mattress beside me, his strong woodsy cologne clouding my senses. “I may not know the cause of the darkness swirling in your eyes, nor do you know mine, but I understand how difficult it is to battle such a force each day.”
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Nash’s words lay heavily on my shoulders. I have never met another person who understands my struggles while also fighting their own battle. It feels validating. To know that even though Nash doesn’t know the details of my past, he is still capable of a level of comfort and support no one else can provide me.
The fear of taking that next step with a man isn’t foreign to me, but it is difficult, especially with the demons constantly wanting to remind me of why I shouldn’t.
But with Nash… I want to take that next step. Why? I don’t know. Something about his presence, despite his intimidating exterior, makes me want to get closer to him. To feel protected, perhaps? To feel heard without having to say a word? Or maybe it’s because he understands me, and that’s not something I have found with a man before him.
Even when this all ends in a few of months, the knowledge of the comfort Nash provides me with will stick with me.
“If you don’t want to tell me what’s going on then that’s fine,” he says, his arm brushing against mine. “If you don’t want to leave this room for the rest of the night, then I’ll stay by your side, okay?”
I blink at Nash as my stomach does backflips. “Why are you being so nice to me?”
He raises a brow at me. “Would you prefer I go back to being an asshole?”
Yes, because at least then it will stop the butterflies going fucking crazy in my stomach .
“I’m just not used to it,” I admit, not wanting to say the words I really want to. “You can stop pretending when we’re alone, you know. I’m sure it’s exhausting to keep up appearances, but no one is around, so you can tone it down.”
“Who says I’m pretending?”
My skin prickles hotly at his words, a wave of want crashing over me. No matter how many times I tell myself I need to stay away from Nash because he’s not good for me or my heart, I find myself unable to tear myself away, instead inching closer, like a moth drawn to a flame.
“Nash…” I breathe. My pulse thumps loudly in my throat as blood rushes in my ears. “We can’t do this.”
Nash leans so close I can smell the whiskey on his breath, sending chills across my body. He tilts his head to the side, his mismatched eyes roaming my face. “Why do you keep pushing me away, little devil?”
I open my mouth to tell him exactly why, but the words die on my tongue. He must sense my hesitation and takes it upon himself to rest his hand on the exposed skin of my thigh. The contact is like a lightning bolt striking the top of a tower, igniting my entire body in flames. If I’m not careful, I’m going to get burned.
Somehow that’s the least of my concerns when I have the most devilishly handsome man staring down at me, his eyes wild and his jaw tense.
“Your body gives you away without fail,” Nash continues, voice low and menacing. He draws his hand up my thigh, tracing along the smooth skin until he reaches the waistband of my denim shorts. I inhale a deep breath, afraid to make any sudden movements. “Your skin erupts with tiny goosebumps whenever I touch you and becomes hot to the touch.” He tugs his lip ring between his teeth as he pops open the button on my shorts with ease. “The sharp intake of air when our bodies are inches apart is my favorite fucking sound.”
Holding my breath is a bad idea because I’m slowly becoming light-headed, but I can’t help it. Not when Nash’s hands are so close to the area I want him most.
His eyes find mine again and I all but whimper at the fire burning in the depths of them. The desire and lust are almost suffocating. “I don’t know how you’ve done it, little devil, but you’ve wormed your way into every crevice of my life. It’s both thrilling and fucking terrifying.”
“Nash,” I breathe, my heart racing wildly in my chest.
“What do you want, little devil?” he whispers against my lips, our bodies so close that the lack of contact is driving me insane, not to mention his knuckles brushing against my abdomen. “I will give you whatever you want if you ask for it. Beg for it even. I’m at your mercy.”
The demons lurking in the depths of my mind whisper their words of hurt in an attempt to pull me away from Nash.
But with Nash’s words of comfort lingering in my mind, a promise of staying by my side, it somehow drowns out the voices, silencing the demons to the deepest part of my brain.
With my mind clear, allowing me to really take in Nash’s intense gaze and the warmth radiating from his body, I realize that for once, I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid to lower my walls and allow this man in enough to see a part of me I keep hidden.
I’m not afraid to let my body decide what it wants. For a long time, it never felt like mine—only an object for others to do with as they please—but when I’m with Nash, he reminds me that my body is my own and I’m the one in control of it.
And I’m not afraid to admit I want Nash Beck, even though I know I shouldn’t.
“I want this,” I choke out, the words barely audible. “I want you.”
“Are you sure, Kin?” he asks, his voice so deep it vibrates through my soul. “If you want me to stop I will. If you want me to leave the room I will. If you so much as even ask for me to stop the party downstairs and kick everyone to the fucking curb, I will do it with a smile on my face.” His warm breath fans against my lips. Hints of whiskey and nicotine consume my senses, making my head dizzy.
My breath hitches in my throat when Nash’s knuckles glide down the side of my face, the touch so light I barely register it. “Tell me what you want, little devil.”
With my heart pounding in my chest, I barely manage to whisper, “I want you, Nash.”
Nash stares at me long and hard, his chest rising and falling heavily as my words settle over us. The sudden silence makes me want to take the words back, but in a flash, Nash has his lips on mine. My fingers tangle in his inky curls, tugging gently in an attempt to get closer to him.
We frantically tear away items of clothing, needing to feel each other’s skin. I feel wild as my hands roam Nash’s taut body, feeling the tight muscles under my fingertips, unable to get enough of him. Nash expertly removes my clothing, leaving me bare in the matching white lace lingerie I threw on under my outfit.
Nash’s hungry eyes roam across my body, drinking me in and committing the image of me to memory, as if he’s afraid this will be the last time he sees me this way. “A little devil in white, how stunning.”
Before I have the chance to respond, he stands from the bed in nothing but black briefs and points behind me. “Lay on your stomach, Kin.”
Doing as I’m told, I crawl onto the bed and lay on my stomach. My pussy is throbbing and my underwear is soaked through with the anticipation of what is about to happen.
What does he plan on doing to me?
The bed dips under Nash’s weight, and within seconds his large hands grip my hips, lifting me so my knees are perched beneath me and my ass is in the air, exposed to him. I gasp at the sudden movement, but when I feel the fabric of my underwear slide over the curve of my ass and down my thighs, I can’t hold back the whimper that bubbles from deep in my core.
“So fucking wet for me, little devil.” His voice is thick with lust and desire.
A shiver races down my spine when his hand glides across my ass, his fingers dragging dangerously slow across my skin as if teasing me on purpose. I fist the black bed sheets, anticipation eating away at me.
Without warning, his finger glides through my wet folds, forcing a moan from deep within my chest. Sounds continue to fall from my mouth, muffled by my face pressed against the mattress as Nash teases my entrance, only to plunge his finger deep inside of me. I arch my back, the movement allowing him to slip in deeper.
“Fuck,” I cry, unable to hold back the curse words.
“You take me so well,” Nash comments gruffly as he slips in another finger, pumping in and out at a steady pace. “I can only imagine how well you’ll take my cock. Everyone downstairs is going to hear those pretty sounds from your mouth that are all mine.”
Suddenly, his fingers are gone, allowing me to inhale a few breaths, but the reprieve doesn’t last long before I feel Nash’s tongue press between my folds, sucking and teasing like a goddamn master.
I cry out once more, fisting the sheets so tight I fear I may tear them. The pressure of his tongue licking my pussy, and his fingers teasing my clit is quickly becoming too much. My vision blurs at the sides and my head begins to spin as I fast approach my release.
I’m seconds away from leaping off the edge when Nash pulls away, leaving me panting for more. I gaze over my shoulder just in time to see Nash shove his briefs to the floor and his hard cock spring free. My eyes widen at the sight.
“You’re not sticking that thing anywhere near me.” I’m not kidding when I say that is the biggest penis I have ever seen on a man. The sheer size of his throbbing length is intimidating, but the two silver piercings punctured through the head in the form of a cross makes my knees weak. “Of course you have a dick piercing.”
Nash chuckles and kneels on the bed behind me, his hands palming my ass still in the air. “Don’t worry, Kin, I’m not going to hurt you. Unless you ask me to, of course.” I focus on the chill of his rings grazing my feverish skin as he settles behind me and not the fact that I’m worried he’s going to split me in two. “Just breathe, okay?”
I close my eyes and relax my breathing.
In and out.
Slow and steady.
Nice and?—
“Shit!” I cry out the moment his cock slips between my folds, the large mass intruding on the small space. The sheets bunch between my fingers as I hold onto them for dear life, slowly accepting Nash into me. “Oh, my God.”
The metals balls on either end of the piercings graze my walls painfully slow. It’s an odd sensation that has me gasping for air like a fish out of water.
“You’re so fucking tight,” he grunts, his voice strained as he buries himself into me inch by inch. “Just keep breathing, okay?”
I cast my focus on my breathing, slowing it down enough that I don’t think my heart is going to burst through my chest anymore. The distraction seems to work because Nash bottoms out, hitting that spot deep inside me no one has ever been able to reach. I arch my back in response, crying out.
“That’s it, Kin,” Nash coos as he runs his fingers down my spine agonizingly slow. The same hand comes down on my ass cheek in a loud smack. “You take me so well, just like I knew you would.”
Nash drags his cock out of me, gliding against my walls, only to slam back into me. I whimper, my knuckles white from the grip on the bed sheets. Despite his size, the pain quickly subsides and pleasure takes over with each thrust. I must admit, the piercings hitting that spot deep inside is a pleasant surprise, bringing with it a whole new level of pleasure that nearly knocks me off my knees.
As he drives into me, I can’t stop the moans from slipping past my lips.If this is what sex is like with Nash Beck, I understand why women are lining up at his door to get a piece of him.
“Nash,” I groan, my face buried into the mattress.
His hand slaps my ass again, sending a shock wave of heat throughout my body. Deep grunts fall from his lips as he quickens the tempo of his thrusts. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how to hit the perfect spot that drives me crazy.
The pressure building in my core is intense, throwing me closer to the edge as the seconds tick by. It’s hard to focus on my breathing when all I can hear is Nash grunting incoherent words under his breath.
He’s all I can think about.
If I didn’t have my face shoved into the mattress, I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off him.
“Shit,” he hisses as his grip tightens on my hips. I just know bruises will appear there by tomorrow morning. “I forgot to ask…”
“I’m on birth control,” I choke out, my breathing ragged.
Nash suddenly pulls out of me and an empty feeling washes over me. I’m about to protest his absence when I’m suddenly flipped on my back, my legs falling open. Mismatched eyes meet mine from above as Nash hovers over me, his pierced cock pressed against my entrance, teasing me.
“I want to see your face when you come on my cock, little devil. I want everyone in this fucking house to hear you cry out my name and know the reason why.”
Oh, my fucking God.
Nash holds my waist tightly as he slips back inside of me with ease. My back arches off the bed as my arms slide around his neck for support.
As Nash drives into me, I search his face, taking in the way his forehead creases slightly as if focused intently on what he’s doing, and the flexing of his abs with each thrust. His inky waves are slightly damp with sweat and falling over his eyes, making the shadows across his sharp features appear more haunting.
He truly is Satan, and I’ll gladly be burned by him if it means I get to relive this moment again.
As time ticks by, the pressure in my core builds at a rapid pace. The new position allows Nash to hit even deeper, sending stars dancing across my vision as I hold onto him for dear life. He lowers his face to my neck, his breath warm against my skin as he slams his hips against mine.
We’re both being so loud to the point if someone were to be standing on the other side of the locked door, they would hear everything happening in here.
“N-Nash,” I pant, my breathing heavy and my body growing slick with sweat. “I can’t…”
Nash pulls his face away from my neck to gaze down at me, his eyes filled with fire. “Come for me, Kin. I want to hear you cry out my name.”
That is all it takes for me to dive head-first over the edge of the cliff, chasing that release. Nash’s name rips from my throat in an intense shout that has my body vibrating and my knees quaking. The edge of my vision blurs just as Nash drives into me one last time, a deep groan bubbling from his throat as he finds his release, filling me completely.
My body is limp against the mattress as Nash pulls out. I just know it’s a mess down there, but I don’t have the strength to care right now.
Soft lips meet mine in a tender kiss before Nash pulls away and gets off the bed. I follow his broad back, the angel wings inked into his skin flexing with each step he takes to the bathroom. Moments later, I hear the water running, and Nash returns.
“What are you?—”
He scoops me into his arms and makes his way back to the bathroom without saying a word. My brain is still trying to catch up after being fucked into oblivion and now this act of kindness.
Does Nash do this with every woman he sleeps with?
Nash steps into the shower and lowers me onto the tiled bench. Memories from the last time I was in here come rushing back, turning my cheeks red.
“Hey.” Nash drops to his knees, running his knuckles along my cheek gently. “We don’t have to leave this room for the rest of the night if you don’t want to. Tell me what you want and I’ll do it for you.”
I drag my bottom lip between my teeth and gaze at him, hoping words will somehow form themselves on my tongue.
What do I want? The thought of going back downstairs and being surrounded by people I don’t know well doesn’t sound appealing after what we just did. Not to mention being triggered into a panic attack that nearly sent me spiraling.
And Nash is just being so… caring toward me that I’m having a hard time thinking of a reason to leave.
“Can we stay here?” The words are barely audible as they leave my lips, getting lost in the sound of running water.
The corner of Nash’s lips turns up in a half smile. His large hand runs over my hair gently before snaking around the back of my neck. “If that’s what you want, little devil, then I’m happy to oblige.”
“I just…” I inhale a shaky breath, finding the right words to say. “Thank you for earlier.”
His forehead creases in a frown. “For what?”
“For… kissing me. For distracting me from my panic. For being there.”
Nash’s eyes clash with mine with such intensity it nearly knocks the breath out of my lungs. “You would do the same for me, Kin.”
“I would,” I say without hesitation, my heart racing in my chest.
We gaze at each other for a long minute, neither of us moving an inch. The shower is beginning to steam up, sending droplets of sweat gliding down my back. That same fire burning between us from earlier has returned, but now it’s stronger with the unspoken words on the tips of our tongues. But neither of us says them, instead choosing to keep them to ourselves for the same reason we don’t want to acknowledge what is happening between us—fear.
Fear that this could all blow up in our faces. Fear that we might hurt each other. And for fear that we’re not worthy of each other because of how damaged we are. It is fear keeping us from speaking our minds and what is weighing heavy on our hearts. It’s the same fear that haunts us every day, forcing us to fight a losing battle.
Because fear wins every time with us, and that’s why we choose to stay quiet.