Her Depraved Professor

3. Karolina

KAROLINA

Ihuddle on my sofa and press a hand to my chest, as though that will alleviate the ache. The sense of utter loneliness is crushing.

Before I opened myself up to Rand, I managed to pretend I wasn’t lonely. My illicit relationship with Bones was enough to distract me from the gaping hole in my heart.

I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever cared about.

My parents.

My first love… Brandon’s ruined face flashes through my mind, and my stomach churns.

Even creepy Rich died because he got too close to me. I didn’t like him, but his proximity was enough to seal his fate; my stalker slashed his throat.

The blank eyes of the dead man plague my thoughts.

Rand killed him.

Bones killed him.

To save me.

But I suspect if I’d been strong enough, I would’ve done it myself.

I’ve murdered before. Some primal part of me will do anything to survive.

I shudder and curl into a tight ball.

I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. There’s no way to purge the tumultuous emotions that ravage my psyche.

I glance at my phone where it rests on the coffee table.

The closest person I have to a friend is Amala, and she barely knows me. How could I even begin to tell her about my dead stalker? How could I tell her about my kinky affair with my online masked man? And the fact that I slept with our professor?

The only person I’ve been able to trust has been Rand. I didn’t even fully trust him when I knew him as Bones.

A stupid, weak part of me longs for his company. I want him to hold me and promise me that I’m not alone anymore.

We share so many clandestine secrets now: my depraved sexual predilections; my forbidden affair with him, my professor; and the fact that there’s a dead stalker in his house.

As though I’ve summoned him with my traitorous longing, a soft knock taps on my door.

I know it’s him.

I unlock my arms from around my knees where they’re pressed to my chest and trudge the short distance across my lounge.

When the door swings open, his dark eyes flare with something like relief, but his perfectly chiseled features are still drawn tight with anxiety.

“Karolina.” He rumbles my name.

My real name.

The sound of it makes my heart twist.

Not alone.

I shake my head slightly to clear it. I’m nowhere near ready to throw myself into his arms.

“You owe me an explanation.” I try to sound terse, but my voice is strained.

“That’s why I’m here. Can I come in? Please.”

I take a step back, giving him plenty of space to enter without brushing his body against mine. The slightest physical contact might break my resolve.

His eyes flick over me, noting my pebbled skin. I’m chilled down to my bones, despite the ambient temperature.

“I’ll make some tea,” he asserts. “You’re cold.”

I scoff. “As if you even like tea. You’re not British. That accent was fake.”

He winces. “Coffee, then.”

I shake my head again. “Explain. Now.”

His expression hardens to the stern mask that makes something distinctly feminine swoon inside me. I straighten my spine and resist it.

“Sit,” he commands, his tone dropping to that deep register that has me obeying before I can think better of it.

I drop down onto my sofa, relieved to allow my weak knees to give way. I’m still shaken after my stalker’s attack. I could’ve died only half an hour ago.

And that was mere hours after the man almost drowned me.

Not to mention the spike of pure horror when I realized Rand is actually Bones.

I’ve experienced so many adrenaline dumps today that it’s a wonder I’ve been able to stand at all.

Rand picks up the blanket that’s draped over the back of my sofa and arranges it around my shoulders. I shiver despite the reassuring warmth that enfolds me.

The urge to lean into his touch is unnerving.

My body stiffens, and I manage to keep a foot of space between us when he settles down beside me.

I take a moment to study his hands. They don’t so much as tremble in the aftermath of the violent scene at his house.

Before we had sex, he admitted that he’s killed before to survive, just like me.

I thought our shared sin was a bond between us, but now I’m uneasy. How many lives has he taken?

“Please don’t look at me like that,” he begs.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re afraid of me.”

I meet his gaze. “Of course I’m afraid of you. Not because you killed to protect me. Because I have no idea who you really are. I trusted you, and you’ve been lying to me all along.”

His jaw clenches. “I deserve that. I did lie to you. I didn’t intend to, but that doesn’t change what I did.”

My bow knits. “What do you mean, you didn’t intend to?”

He sighs. “After the hunt, you wouldn’t let me take off my mask. You wouldn’t let me show you who I am.”

I glower at him. “So, this is my fault?”

“No,” he says quickly. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I didn’t want to violate your safe word that night, but I still should’ve found a way to tell you the truth.”

I ease back a few inches. “And what’s the truth? How the hell did you end up working as my professor, Bones?”

I almost ask why he has my name and face tattooed on him, but I fear I already know the answer to that. He’s been harboring intense feelings for me, obviously for years.

And I thought our relationship was just roleplay.

He sucks in a deep breath and then begins his confession. “When we first met in that chat room online. You told me you were studying History at UNC. I looked up your department and found your picture on the university website. The name said Lena Williams, but it was obviously you.”

My stomach dips. “You had no right to do that.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I should’ve been honest with you all these years. We’ve been studying the same subjects. When you told me you’d applied to University of York, I found a position here. I wanted to be with you for real.”

I gape at him. “Why would I even consider dating my professor?”

“Because I’d planned to tell you all of this after the hunt. You were supposed to know I’m Rand Hirst before your first lecture. Your course only lasts a year. I thought we could make it work.”

Fine lines draw deep around his eyes. “You can’t tell me that I’ve meant nothing to you all these years. Don’t say our connection isn’t real.”

I want him so badly. I want the man I’ve come to know over the last few weeks: the gorgeous professor I’ve been falling for because of our shared painful pasts and his stubborn protectiveness.

“This is scaring me,” I admit on a ragged whisper. “You have my name tattooed over your heart. That’s too much for me. I didn’t think of you like that when you were Bones.”

He flinches like my words are a dagger to his heart.

I race to explain, drawn to ease his pain. “You never told me anything about yourself when you were my masked man. But you looked me up. How much did you learn about me online?”

His eyes shutter. “I know it was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“That’s not an answer. You kept everything about yourself from me, and you dug into my life. I made myself vulnerable with you,” I accuse. “And you gave me nothing in return.”

His nostrils flare. “Everything I’ve told you over the last few weeks is true. We’re alike.”

My hands shake. “But you’ve had the tattoos for longer than that. All this time, you’ve been enamored with me, but I’ve known nothing about you. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”

“You do know me. I’m Rand, and I’m Bones. Nothing could be more right than what we share. You’re everything to me, Karolina. I…” He stumbles over the next words. “I want you for everything you are. And I offer all of myself in return.”

I know what he didn’t say. He slipped up and said it after we had sex: I love you.

No one has loved me in so long.

And like the deprived little girl I left behind so long ago, I can’t help craving it.

“I will do anything to earn your trust again,” he vows. “Ask me any question, and I’ll answer. I want you to know me. I’ve been a coward not to tell you everything all these years.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I was scared,” he admits. “I’m not… I’ve done bad things, Karolina. I’m not worthy of you.”

“Like what?” I challenge.

He tenses, as though preparing himself for a blow to the gut. “What I told you about the MMA is true. I was in an underground fighting ring to earn the money I needed to survive after I fled my foster home. I killed people.”

“That’s how you knew to snap my stalker’s neck,” I deduce. “You’ve done that before.”

“Yes.” He’s eyeing me warily, intently studying my expression to read my reaction.

I study him in return, debating my next question.

Finally, I ask, “How do you feel about it? About killing those people?”

His face goes utterly blank.

“Tell me,” I coax. “I’ve told you how I killed my foster brother, Carter. I did it to save myself. You said you killed to survive, too. I need to know how you feel about it. I still have nightmares about what I did,” I add. “I’ve barely learned to live with it.”

His hand twitches, as though he wants to reach for me. Then his fingers curl into a fist when he restrains himself.

“You told me Carter tried to rape you. Never feel a shred of remorse for what you did to that bastard.”

The full horror of that night threatens to spill out of me. I crave absolution for what I did to Brandon, too. Even if he had been planning to share me with Carter, I can’t erase the agony over the fact that I murdered my first love.

“Tell me,” I press instead of responding to his firm decree. “How do you sleep at night after killing, even if it was to survive?”

His jaw firms. “I don’t suffer from nightmares. I sleep just fine. They were all bad men.”

I peer into his flinty eyes. “You don’t feel a shred of remorse?”

He cuts his gaze away but counters, “They were all criminals. The world is a safer place without them. I don’t want to tell you the kind of men they were.”

“You do feel bad about it,” I observe quietly. “Otherwise, you’d be able to look me in the eye when you said it.”

Defiance hardens his features. “If you think I feel remorse over killing your stalker just now, you’re mistaken. I would do anything to protect you.”

“I know.” I read the truth plainly in every taut line of his body.

He would kill for me again without question.

“You saved my life,” I murmur. “Thank you.”

“Never thank me for that. I will never let anyone hurt you. I couldn’t live with it if anyone causes you pain.”

“You hurt me,” I say, and I see the blow land despite my gentle tone. “You lied to me. You scared me.”

“Are you still scared? Because I’m a killer?”

I press my lips together, taking time to mull over my answer before I inflict more damage.

“No, that’s not what scares me.”

He dares to take my hand in his, caging my fingers in a careful grip. Sparks dance up my arm, our chemistry as potent as ever.

“You’re scared because I lied to you. I understand. But the only thing that scares me in this world is losing you,” he admits. “I will do anything to earn your trust again. Let me. Please.”

I carefully extricate my hand from his, and his face crumples.

“I need space,” I murmur. “I need to think about all this.”

“Tell me there’s a chance for us,” he pleads. “Don’t shut me out forever. I need you, Karolina. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I’m done lying to you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

I shiver. “It’s too much. You’re obsessed with me, but I barely know you.”

“I’ve been in love with you for years. If that’s obsession, I can’t apologize for it. I can’t regret it. The only thing I regret is the distrust in your eyes right now.”

“I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”

His eyes flash with hope. “But you want to. I can start with that. I’ll prove myself to you every day.”

I hold up my hand. He has to stop with these intense declarations. They’re so keenly sweet that they cut at my heart. It’s terrifying.

“I’m not ready for this. I need you to leave. I need some time to think.”

He shakes his head. “You’re not safe without me here.”

I take his hand, squeezing in reassurance before I can stop myself. “My stalker is dead. I’m safe, Rand.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” he confesses.

“No,” I counter softly. “You just don’t want to leave. I need you to respect me and listen to what I’m asking.”

He draws in a shaky breath and squeezes my fingers in return. “Of course, I respect you. You’re the strongest woman I know. Anything you want, I’ll give it to you. Even if that means giving you space.”

He looks as though the prospect causes him physical pain.

“Thank you.” I withdraw my hand from his.

“When will I see you again?” he rasps.

“We have class tomorrow.”

I’m dreading it, but I won’t allow anything to tear my new life away from me.

“So,” he says bitterly, “I’m back to being Professor Hirst.”

“You’re the one who chose to take that job,” I remind him, but there’s no acid in the words. “I need to think through what you’ve done, but you need to consider the choices you’ve made, too. None of this is right, Rand.”

“You and me,” he insists. “That’s right. Nothing between us could never be wrong. Not what we did when I was Bones, and not now that I’m your professor.”

I scrub a hand over my face as exhaustion settles over me. I’ve been through too much in the last twenty-four hours.

“I need to sleep.”

“Anything you need.”

Even that declaration is so intense it’s disconcerting.

And so terribly tempting that I have to force myself not to wrap my arms around him and cling on tight.

No one has taken care of me in years. Not since my parents died.

For so long, I’ve been standing resolutely on my own. The promise of his unwavering support makes it so difficult to maintain the small distance between us.

“I’m a phone call away if you need me,” he reassures me. “Tell me you’ll contact me if you’re in trouble.”

“I’m not in any danger anymore.”

“I’m not leaving without a promise. Let me keep you safe, at least.”

I blow out a sigh. “I promise.”

It’s not an empty vow. I know I can rely on him to handle any possible threat.

If I call, Rand will come running.

Just like he did the first time I called him to tell him about the messages from my stalker.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I nod numbly. My vision is blurring at the edges as exhaustion saps my body and mind.

He takes one final moment to study my features, memorizing me as though it might be the last time he ever sees my face.

“Rest, Karolina,” he finally says. “Things will be clearer in the morning.”

I nod again.

I sway towards him slightly when he gets to his feet, and he notes the small sign that I crave his nearness.

His lips quirk at the corners, a shadow of the smirk that makes my belly flip.

Despite everything he’s done, Rand still has a chance with me, and he knows it.