4. Sadie
Four
Sadie
The beam doesn't care what kind of day you're having. That's the thing I love most about it. It’s four inches wide, four feet off the floor, and the only negotiation it offers is the one between you and your own body. There’s no room for anything else to exist up there.
Just balance. Just the next move. Just this.
It’s been a weird morning. I woke up thinking about Dan, and since then my mind has been in a fog. I can’t focus on anything. This session is what I need today.
Coach Pearce has us rotating stations, and I've been on beam for twenty minutes. I would happily stay here for twenty more. The beam is my favorite, and I could spend all day on it.
"Elliot."
I come out of my back walkover and find my landing.
Coach Pearce is standing at the edge of the floor, her clipboard down for once, and her arms crossed. She nods at the end of the beam. "Dismount. Full."
I walk to the end, set my position, and go.
I know before I land that it's not right. The rotation's there, but the landing is soft, my weight is too far forward, one foot compensating for the other in the half-second before I find the floor. I've been doing it for two years. I know exactly what it is and exactly how much I hate it.
I straighten up and look at her.
"Again," she says.
She wants it perfect. Fuck I want it perfect.
I climb back up, and before I move, I take a look around the gym because I feel eyes on me.
The girls are watching me and that makes me feel a bit better.
My body shivers like someone walked over my grave, and I take one more look around.
No one else is here, just the girls and coach. I shake my head and get into position.
I do my dismount, and then do it six more times.
By the fifth I feel the correction start to click into place, the weight redistributing, the landing is cleaner, and the horrible forward wobble ironing itself out increment by increment.
By the eighth time Coach Pearce makes a sound that isn't quite approval but it’s the closest thing to it I've heard from her in the week I’ve been here.
"Better," she says. "We'll keep at it."
She moves on to Maya on the floor, and I grab my water bottle. Juno materializes at my elbow from nowhere as if she's been standing there the whole time.
"Eight attempts," she says.
"Yep."
I’m not sure if eight times was good or bad. I’m still trying to get to know my team and coach. Right now, I try to work out if I’m doing the right thing or not.
"How's your floor looking?" I ask her, then drink my water.
She pulls a face that tells me it’s not the best. I laugh, which makes Bree look over from the bars with a smile.
I know I fit in with the girls personally outside of gymnastics, now I just need to prove to them I can fit in here too.
The session runs a further forty minutes.
I work through my floor sequence twice, nail the tumbling pass both times, and spend the last ten minutes on the conditioning that Coach Pearce sets out for us.
We need to improve our conditioning for the first competition, which is going to happen soon and I’m so excited.
I pull my hoodie on and grab my bag, and I'm two steps from the door when something makes me turn.
I have no idea why. My hairs are standing up on my arm, and I shiver.
I can’t put my finger on why the back of my neck does the thing it does when someone's standing behind you in a queue and breathing on your neck.
I turn around slowly, casually, like I'm just checking I haven't left anything behind.
The gym is exactly as I left it thirty seconds ago. Juno is mid-stretch. Cara is drinking from her water bottle. The window at the far end shows the car park, the darkening sky and nothing else.
Nobody is there, maybe I’m more tired than I thought.
"Sadie." Juno appears on my shoulder. "You okay? You look confused. Did you lose something?”
"Do I?"
"Yeah, like someone stepped on your grave."
I turn away from the window. "It’s nothing, I think I just need some food. It was a long session today. I think I’m just imagining things,” I joke with her. I’m normally good with my food, but I didn’t eat as much as I normally do this morning.
Juno looks around the gym like I just did. "Nope there’s nothing there, you're just standing there staring at a car park."
"Exactly, hunger hallucinations." I pull my bag up and bump her with my shoulder. "Come on, I need to eat before I actually lose it."
"Same," Cara says, materializing on my other side with her jacket already on. "I haven't eaten since six."
"Six this morning?" Juno stares at her.
"I had a good breakfast." She fights back, which makes me laugh.
"Cara."
"I'm fine. It’s been a busy day.” She links arms with me as we start making our way out.
Bree appears behind all of us already holding her keys, ready to go. She doesn’t say anything, which I've accepted is just who she is, and I respect it completely.
We spill out of the gym into the evening air, loud and all trying to talk. Cara’s telling her the soup at Grounds is actually good, which sparks a whole debate about what constitutes good soup that carries us halfway across campus.
“I know what I’m ordering already,” Juno says as we clear the building.
“What are you going to have?” I ask, and notice the other girls rolling their eyes.
Cara and Juno reply at the same time. “The smashed avocado toast.” Juno looks at Cara and they both laugh.
“Am I that obvious?” Juno asks.
“Yeah, you always have the same thing at this time of night.” Cara smiles at Juno who is laughing.
“Maybe I need to try something else then.”
“Well, the soup is usually good, they make it fresh a couple of times a day and I love it.” Cara pulls on my arm to make sure I’m listening,
“Maybe we should all have the soup then,” Cara say as we get to the door.
I’m not a soup person. I work hard for this body and making sure I’m the best I can be, so when I want a burger, I’m eating a burger. Tonight is burger night.
I fall into step beside Bree at the back.
"You okay?" she asks, quiet enough that the others don't hear.
"Yeah." I grin at her. "Starving."
Everything I felt earlier must just be my mind playing tricks on me. I’m ready to get on with my night, my stomach takes that moment to growl and I laugh.
Grounds is busier tonight. It’s like everyone wants to eat here. We take the same table as this morning like it's already ours, with its four mismatched chairs. I still love it.
I drop into my seat, pick up the menu, and look across at Juno, who is already looking at me.
"What?"
"Nothing." She smiles at her menu. “I’m just glad you're here. You fit in well with us.”
I kick her lightly under the table. She kicks me back harder, and we both start laughing.
Cara tells us both to grow up without looking up from the soup options, which only makes me laugh more.
Bree orders before any of us have decided what we want. I’m just happy that she ordered me a burger and fries. This is going to be a good meal.
I lean back in my chair and look up at the amber lights strung along the wood block the lights are hanging from.
I glance over to the window and see the sky is turning the deep blue of a campus evening, the noise of the terrace is rising and falling around us.
I take a picture of it one-handed without even raising the camera properly.
It'll be blurred, and off-angle, but sometimes these pictures are the best ones to have.
“Has anyone seen a guy they’re eyeing up?” Juno asks. I’ve not known her very long, but one thing I will say is, she needs to find herself a man. Even if she does find one, I’m not sure he’ll be able to keep her. She seems like she wants fun at college.
“Not even had a chance,” I’m the first to reply. I’m not going to say anything about Miles; I’ve only seen him once.
“Once we go to a few parties I think we’ll meet some.” Maya looks over the menu as she replies. “Plus, we have competitions to work for, which should be the main thing we concentrate on.”
The conversation continues about boys though, and not competitions.
“I think I’m going to try my luck with a football player…“
“Good luck, you think the cheerful cheerleaders are going to let you get close to them.” Bree cuts Juno off.
“I’m up for a challenge,” Juno replies which makes me laugh.
She’s a girl who knows what she wants.
This is what I wanted my college life to be: making friends, having fun with them, and talking about boys.
“Party tonight,” Cara starts, and that gets me into the conversation. “Everyone is going, we aren’t going to meet anyone in the gym training all the time, we have to go to the parties.”
“I’m in.” I'm the first to answer. Then I thank the waiter when he places my food on the table.
“Everyone be ready for nine.” Cara points to us all. It looks like she’s taken the mother role for the four of us. I’m not going to complain about it. It’s a good feeling not having to look after someone.
***
I lie down on the couch, my phone to my ear, and breathe a sigh of relief when Dan picks up on the third ring.
"You're alive," he jokes.
"Barely. They're working me hard." I wedge the phone between my ear and my shoulder and reach for the TV remote. "How are you?"
There’s silence for a split second, then he says, "Good." I hear something in his tone, and I know he’s trying to work out a way to sound like nothing is wrong. "I’m tired."
"Tired like you've been doing stuff or tired like…"
"Just tired, Sade." His voice is flat; there’s nothing in it which I can put my finger on. Is he telling the truth? He’d better be with the amount I had to pay to get him into where he is now. "Tell me about the gym."