Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
JAY HAD SURFED off and on since he’d been stationed at Pendleton. Growing up on a ranch in North Texas he hadn’t ever thought of surfing or the ocean much at all. Put him on a horse and point him toward some cattle and he felt at home.
But as he watched Alysse on her board catching the waves he was in awe. He caught a glimpse of how natural she was in this setting. This was a side to her he’d never seen before and he just sat back and lapped it up.
Toby had put on a friendly face in front of Alysse but in private had told Jay he was watching him. And Jay had to respect that.
He didn’t have any friends or close confidantes that he’d mentioned his brief marriage to, but she had
family—close family and friends. People she socialized with today who knew he’d married and left her.
Thinking on that made him wonder if he should just leave now. Alysse was way too good for the likes of him and the burden of being accepted by her friends was a high one. But then she paddled her board over toward him and sat up and smiled. Really smiled all the way to her soul, he imagined.
“Are you having fun?” she asked. The sun was behind her, casting her face in shadow, but he knew that she was enjoying herself. Her body language and easy laughter were all indications.
No, he wasn’t having fun. But he did enjoy watching her enjoy herself and that made it worth it. He’d wiped out twice and even though it was just water swirling around him he felt as if he’d gone ten rounds with Lucien in a mixed-martial-arts match and gotten his ass handed to him.
“I’m a bit rusty,” he said at last.
“Ah, that’s not a big deal. Last summer we were slammed at the bakery, lots of weddings and special events, and I didn’t get to surf once all summer.
Come September Toby ‘kidnapped’ me from work and made me come out.
I wiped out three times before I got out of my head.
Maybe that’s your problem...you seem to be weighing something very heavy. ”
He shrugged. There were a lot of positives about the Corps to him and one of them was that he didn’t have to think about what to do next. If he reenlisted he’d have everything just the way it had always been.
If he didn’t...he might have Alysse, a new job, a house... “There’s a lot to think about.”
“Of course there is. But this is a moment when you can let go and just for these few hours forget everything else and have fun with these people.”
“There is only one person on this beach I’m interested in having fun with,” he said.
“Me?” she asked, giving him a sultry look.
“Hell, yes,” he admitted. “But you know that already, don’t you?”
“I do,” she said. “I am very interested in you, too, Jay but I don’t want to make the same mistake I did before.”
“It did sort of work for a while,” he said.
“It didn’t work at all. It was nice until reality started closing in. This time I want to know the real Jay. Who is the man with his clothes on?”
“And here I’d rather let you see me with my clothes off,” he said.
“I like that, too, but today I learned that you don’t own a home... That’s huge.”
“Is it?”
“Yes,” she said, riding the swell of a wave that bobbed their boards. “It tells me you don’t like roots.”
He couldn’t believe she was talking about this now. He wasn’t prepared for it, but as natural as Alysse was on the water it probably felt like sitting around a kitchen table to her.
“That’s true.”
“What else don’t I know about you?” she asked.
“You two going to take any waves or just keep talking like old women?” Toby called as he paddled over toward them.
Alysse called back, “We’ll take a wave when we see one we like.”
“Whatever,” Toby said, paddling to catch the first in the next set that rolled under them.
“You should try to get to know some of the people in the group tonight. It’s hard, believe me I know, but you’ll enjoy it.”
“Will I? Is that a guarantee?” he asked.
She leaned over and kissed him quickly on the lips. “Nope, but if you try it and it works, that’s way better than the alternative. You taking this wave?”
He glanced back, thinking of what she’d said. He didn’t have any answers and only knew what he wanted to happen but Alysse was right; he couldn’t control any of that tonight. “I am.”
He paddled toward the wave and his instincts and athletic ability kicked in.
The wave swelled behind him and he felt the board moving the way it was supposed to; he stood up and rode it.
The sun was setting behind him and the beach seemed far away and there was no real noise around him except the sound of the water.
This all felt so unreal. Not even a week ago he’d been up to his ass in desert sand without a drop of water in sight and now he was immersed in it.
Alysse had been a memory; now he was with her, next to her, and who knows. ..
He tumbled off his board and was pulled into the water.
The wave crashed over him and dragged his board; he felt the tug on his ankle strap.
He held his breath and then swam to the surface watching out for his board so he didn’t get conked on the head with it.
He made his way to the beach and took off his ankle strap before picking up the board.
“You okay?” Toby asked from a distance.
Jay nodded and put the loaned board off to the side. There were other people there at the bonfire and they looked up at him with tentative smiles, but the conversation had ground to an abrupt halt as he’d approached.
Immediately, he turned away from the group and began walking down the beach. He didn’t belong in Alysse’s life, did he need more evidence than what he’d just seen? This was a big part of her world and he was never going to fit in here.
He didn’t understand its currents and patterns the way he did the corps. It didn’t matter that he’d spent all his adult life in the Corps, he should be able to adapt to almost anything. What was the matter with him? Did he really not want to be with Alysse?
That was the answer he’d been searching for, and it’d been right here in front of him the entire time.
He didn’t fit in Alysse’s life because he couldn’t adapt the way she did.
He’d seen her go from the bakery, where she was very at home, to the beach, and she probably had a dozen other roles she filled with ease.
He only had one. Marine. Did he want to leave the Corps behind and take a chance with Lucien and Company B? Or was he simply going to continue his same path? Honestly, he just wanted to stay where he was, but he knew that wasn’t the way to a successful life, not anymore. Not for him, anyway.
“Jay?”
He turned and saw Alysse jogging toward him.
She still wore her wet suit, which lovingly hugged every inch of her body.
Her ginger hair appeared darker, almost brown, as it hung in long, wet tendrils around her face and his heart soared.
He didn’t want to leave her and yet he had no idea if he could stay.
There was no way he could ask her to be a part of his life while it was a mess. And tonight had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that his life was really still FUBAR.
ALYSSE HAD THOUGHT TWICE about catching Jay, but in the end he’d looked so forlorn that she had no choice. He carried himself with pride. The man was an island and she felt acutely that he didn’t want or need her or anyone else. But she couldn’t just leave him to it.
Admittedly, she hated that she cared about Jay, because she shouldn’t. He’d hurt her and she knew better than to trust him. But there was a part of her that understood the struggle he was going through.
“You okay?”
He clenched his jaw and she saw a glimpse of a man she’d never seen before in his eyes. He was a hard man and she had no doubt that he could survive in any dangerous situation he was dropped in, but seeing him now, like this, made her pause. He didn’t know how to get along here.
She reached for his arm. He flinched away.
She pulled her hand back and wrapped her arms around her waist, comforting herself.
No matter what she projected on Jay, he was still a man whom she barely knew outside the bedroom.
And though he’d never hurt her physically, he seemed to have an uncanny ability to find the right gesture to cut right through her.
“Of course I’m okay,” he said, his tone terse.
“Whatever. So you’re fine. If you don’t want to talk to me I’m happy enough to just walk back. Is that what you want?” she asked. She was setting herself up here. It was a big gamble, giving him an ultimatum. But she had to try something. She hadn’t even had a chance to introduce him to the others.
He didn’t react and she started to return to her friends.
“No, wait. I don’t want that.”
She stopped and faced him. “What do you want?”
She wasn’t sure what she’d expected tonight. Only knew that she needed to keep from being alone with Jay. But seeing him like this—uncomfortable and not himself—wasn’t what she’d had in mind.
Even suggesting that he let himself forget about his troubles and just enjoy the waves hadn’t helped for long. He wasn’t like everyone else and she suspected that was part of the reason why she was so attracted to him. Yet that difference was something she didn’t know how to bridge.
“I don’t know,” he admitted at long last.
“You’re the only one who can actually fix that,” she said. “Listen, I’ve got a short fuse where you’re concerned so maybe I’m not the best one to be here with you right now.”
He turned his head to the sea and she stepped closer to him, putting her arm around his waist because he seemed so alone. She wanted to comfort him. To take care of him, and she had a revelation that that was one of the very things that she’d always wanted to do for him.
“What do you want from me?” she asked.
“I don’t know that either,” he said. “Hell, I’ve gone from a man who had a career path he was sure of and a life that worked for him to this. I have no idea.”