40. Veronica
We both cleaned off in the shower, with Leo washing his hair and body and ringing out his pants once the water was turned off. To the best of his ability, he twisted the fabric multiple times, his muscles on full display, until only a tiny amount of water dripped from the material.
Seeing how we were both using the cotton towels, he draped the pants on the rack screwed securely to the wall for them to dry out.
He passed me my brush so I could comb through my curls. After I was satisfied with my hair, I dressed in the clean clothes I grabbed from my room, using the old shirt to dry my hair.
When I walk into his bedroom, Leo throws on a pair of sweats, not bothering to wear a shirt. I gaze at his back while I lean against the doorframe. Bringing my finger to my mouth, I bite the tip while gawking at him.
I had forgotten how beautiful men could be. The muscles in their back, when they lift their arms, roll their shoulders. Staring at his tattooed skin alone was enough to make me want to go another round, and even with how nice that sounded, I couldn’t stay much longer in his room.
“Do you think it will be easy to sneak me out of here?” I broke the silence and the trance I had been holding on to his skin.
“Once all the doctors and nurses find their way back to the rooms for the night, I don’t see it being a problem.”
“And the guards?” I leave the comfort of the doorway and step into the room. “Won’t they wonder why you are escorting me back to my room so late?”
“I’ll come up with something.” He goes for the bed, one knee meeting the mattress before he climbs on it and positions himself on his side. “Come here.”
My eyes dart from his face to the outstretched arm on the bed, a space he wants me to lie next to him. I’ve never been much of a cuddler, actually. I’m not a fan of people touching me, but I allowed Leo to do so—for reasons that have recently been tucked back into my mind.
“Letting me hold you won’t kill you, Vee.” His voice snaps me back to the bedroom, where I unknowingly move further from the bed. “Just for a little.”
Leo pats the space next to him. It would be nice to lie in a bed that wasn’t made of cheap material. I’ve grown accustomed to the back pain from the lovely mattress in my room.
Taking a hesitant step forward, my breathing falters when I take another one. My knees meet the edge of the mattress, and I’m soon climbing into the bed with him, tucking myself into the area saved for me.
He sighs out in relief from behind me, and his arm wraps around my waist.
His hand finds its way beneath my shirt, where his palm lightly presses against my stomach, his thumb brushing along my smooth skin.
Suddenly, my body relaxes before my mind does. This isn’t that bad—not what I thought it would be, but I know I would hate it if it were anyone but Leo. I feel his breath hit the back of my neck before he presses his lips to my skin.
“I didn’t take you as someone who likes to cuddle.”
“I’m not. I hate being touched,” I admit.
“Is there a reason for that?”
I peer over my shoulder at him. “Are we having a session, Dr. Madden?”
“It could be a session, if that’s what you want to call it.”
“What would you call it?” I question.
He thinks about it for a moment. “Two people getting to know one another.”
A soft kiss is pressed to my temple. It wasn’t only me in the shower pretending that this was normal—that we weren’t who we were. This is play-pretend, not reality.
Turning my head back to where my cheek rests against his arm, I keep my eyes on the wall before me. “No one ever touched me.”
“What do you mean?”
I wet my lips before I continue. “Growing up, my parents were never affectionate with me. However, they were totally different with Stephanie. They would hug her, kiss her cheek, and console her when she was sad or hurt.” I sigh heavily. “When I got hurt, they told me to get over it. Not once did I feel the embrace of my parents. Stephanie never hugged me either, even when she saw what the constant attention she was getting was doing to me.”
Leo remained silent behind me, taking in my words and allowing me to keep going.
“At a certain point, it didn’t bother me as much. I didn’t expect that sort of attention from them anymore. Or from anyone.” I close my eyes. “As I got older and boys started paying attention to me, I wouldn’t hold their hand; I wouldn’t let them hug me because it’s not what I was used to. I couldn’t stand it if they accidentally brushed their arm against mine.”
“And in the bedroom,” he tenses at my back as I continue, “I was always in charge. I would always be on top. I would always tie their hands to the bedpost so they couldn’t touch me because it would ruin everything. Being in control—that’s when I felt powerful. Being powerful made me feel good. Allowing them to ruin the goodness I was experiencing by touching me wasn’t an option.”
We lie there silently as Leo takes in everything I just told him. I’m not sure how much time passes before I hear his voice behind me. “You let me touch you. You let me take control.”
“It’s different with you,” I tell him. “You care about me. Whether it’s because you are my doctor or because it’s a genuine feeling, you care for me.”
Leo kisses my neck. “I do care for you. As both, Veronica. As your doctor, it’s my job to care about you.” The tears in my eyes come out of nowhere, but I don’t move my arms to wipe them away. “The other part of me cares for you as a human being. I care for your well-being. I want to see you happy. To accomplish tough obstacles you don’t want to face but eventually do it. I care about you so much. I care about you more as a real person and not as your doctor, and it terrifies me.”
“Why does it scare you?” The words are hushed.
He presses his hand into my stomach, attempting to bring me closer to him. “Because I would like more with you. More than sneaking around behind these walls.”
“And if we didn’t have to sneak?”
“That’s not really an option.”
It could be. That’s what I want to say to him—that we could have everything we want. It’s not time to bring that idea up to him, though.
“I meant what I said in the shower.” I decide to go a different direction with the conversation. “About always needing you. You told me to say it even if it wasn’t true, but... it was.”
“Thank you, Vee,” he whispers into my hair.
My eyes slowly flutter open, confusion seeping into my brain as I stare at the dark wall in front of me. That’s not the ugly, beige wall in my room. Lifting my head, I glance around the unfamiliar space until it finally registers.
Leo’s room.
Shit! When did we fall asleep?
Peering over to the window, the sun remains hidden on the other side of the Earth. It’s dark out, which hopefully means we only fell asleep for maybe an hour and not to the point of the day where the sun wants to rise.
Turning around abruptly, Leo is on his back, head falling to the side as he breathes softly. So delicate.
“Leo!” I whisper shout. He doesn’t budge, so I raise my voice. “Leo!”
“What?” He groans, rubbing his eyes. Without even a look my way, he pats the bed until his hand meets my arm. He tugs me into him until my head is on his chest.
Sighing out, I fight back the desire to feel his warmth against me flood my body and push myself up. “Leo, wake up! We fell asleep, and I need to get back to my room.”
The words take a moment to register before his eyes shoot open, fear etched in his green gaze, and he jolts from the bed. “Dammit!”
Tapping on the screen of his phone, I peek over to see it’s midnight. It was not as late as I thought, but it was late enough that I should be in my room.
“What’s the plan?” I ask while he puts on a t-shirt. “Well, the good news is that everyone is most likely asleep.” He slips on some shoes.
“And the guards?” I point out, knowing a man is stationed outside my hall”s wing.
Leo paces, hand running through his already messy brown hair. “Can you cry on command?”
I breathe out a laugh. Can I cry on command? Little did he know that half the tears that were shed in our sessions were fake. “Yes.”
“Good, because I’m going to need you to do that.” He walks over to the door, pulls it open, and sticks his head out. The coast must be clear because he is gesturing for me to follow.
“What about my stuff?”
“I’ll get it to you, but we need to move. Now.” His eyes widen to match the urgency of his tone.
We leave the bedroom quickly, and I thank whoever decided not to put real cameras in this place. Of course, I know the ones in the corners and the lobby are fake. I overheard Edith talking about it one day on the phone.
Leo makes sure the door to the main halls shuts quietly, and then we move. “I’m going to need you to cry now.”
Walking side by side, I stare at his face before focusing forward. Tears prick my eyes like a skill, and then they fall. My head hangs low, the water pouring, and I notice Leo wraps an arm around me.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Veronica.” He pretends to calm me down as we turn the corner to my room.
Knowing that the guard was standing there without even looking up, I let out a sob for dramatic effect.
“What’s going on?” The man asks, but his tone suggests that he doesn’t care too much.
“I found her hiding out, crying. Seeing she is my patient, I tried calming her down, but…” I cut him off with another guttural sob.
I bury my hands in my face, playing the part when I hear the man say, “She can cry in her room.”
How sympathetic.
Leo doesn’t say anything as the guard opens the door for me. I guess he will escort me to my room instead of Leo. I don’t look back again as we turn the corner. I don”t stop crying until I’m alone. The solid door closed behind me, the lock setting into place.
As soon as I hear the man walk away, I lift my chin and wipe away the fake tears. Getting back to my room went better than expected.
Luckily, the guard that was stationed outside of my hall for the night shift couldn’t really give a shit about the patient well being. He only works here to gain a hefty paycheck.
My eyes cast around the room to the spot where my journal is hiding. Kneeling down, I take it out and inspect all the drawings I’ve made on the cover. The monster from the shadows in solitary. A little mushroom with a frog sitting on top.
My favorite is a drawing that replicates Leo’s snake tattoo. It begins on the front cover, slithers over the spine, and then coils on the back cover.
If anyone were to see the drawing, they would never know what it truly means. Not unless someone else here has seen Leo shirtless.
With the book balancing in my palm, I run my other hand across the front before my index finger peels back the cover itself. Entries from when he got me the journal appear before me, and then the lone page that has my plan of escape.
I’m not bothered to sit here and read over the things I wrote. The point of a journal, to me at least, is to write your issues and then never return to them. Once you write them on paper with the ink, all your troubles seep into the page. They are gone from your body, tucked safely away between bindings.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the pen tucked away in its safe space. I reach out to grab it but stop myself. I have nothing to write, and although it is after midnight, I could force myself to stay awake and write something—anything. But I don’t have it in me to put useless words onto paper. Slamming the journal shut, I tuck it away and climb into my bed.
I squirm, my body unable to get comfortable after having the luxury of sleeping in Leo’s cozy bed. I slept in his room only a short time, and now my bed has returned to feeling like it did when I first got here.
Giving up the fight, I exhale a defeated breath and lie on my side. The same way I was lying in Leo’s bed and when I close my eyes, I pretend he is behind me. I pretend I can feel his arm wrap around me, the warmth of his body against mine.
With the fantasy set in my mind, I allow my eyes to fall heavy and let sleep consume me.