43. Leo
A few weeks have passed since Veronica’s sister came to visit. The end of May snuck up on us, and in the time that has flown by, I’ve made many attempts to call Stephanie to talk through what happened, but whenever she answered the phone and found out who was calling, she hung up on me.
She wanted nothing to do with talking to me or speaking of her sister. It makes me feel awful for Veronica. I understand she wasn’t expecting the visit to go any other way than it did, but I hoped that it would have been civil.
I’ve also only taken her back to my room a handful of times when the sessions were nontraditional. We used the hour that was meant for discussing issues being glued to each other”s bodies. If I could keep her in my bed all day, I would, but sadly, we don’t have that luxury.
I’ve internally panicked each time I brought her into my room, wondering if that were the time someone would catch us, but luckily, no one has yet.
Having her in my bed, in my arms, feels right. It is better than bringing a girl home from a night out and then waking up to the realization that I’d been holding them all night.
Veronica isn’t like them.
She isn’t a one-night stand.
She genuinely seems to care about me.
The obvious reason is that she’s a sociopath.
I haven’t been able to go home the past couple of weekends since we have had mandatory staff meetings. This weekend, however, I am free to visit. I’ve been calling my mother most nights to check-in. She tries to fool me with her sweet voice, but I know that underneath that, she is tired. The cancer is exhausting her.
I informed Veronica that I would be gone this weekend. Unless something drastic unfolds, there are never sessions on the weekends, so there will be no new doctor to take my place.
She was understanding about it. She even told me that if I left during the week, she’d be okay with another doctor sitting in. The shock sent through my body at her honesty made me dizzy. It’s unlike her to agree to change.
She also promised me she wouldn’t do anything stupid while I was gone and would force herself to do another puzzle with Eliza.
Veronica knows what will happen if she does, and to my surprise, in the past few weeks, she has kept her promise and hasn’t gotten into a physical fight with anyone.
I have, however, overheard her threatening girls, scaring them with her words to leave her alone. It never ended up being anything other than a verbal confrontation. For that, I am thankful.
The drive to my parents wasn’t awful. I sifted through emails on my phone, responding to the important ones and sending the scammed-filled ones to the trash. By the time I filtered through all the messages, the car had pulled up to the house.
Stepping out of the car, the air was silent. This time, no one opened the door to greet me. There was no Carter running up to scream his hellos, no Myles behind me as I approached the front door.
I didn’t bother knocking, just let myself in. The sounds from the back living room are muffled, but I can tell the television is on, soft speaking between the room occupancies. I set my bag down in the entryway, slip my shoes off, and start toward the noises.
As I enter, I find Mom sitting on the couch, a blanket she crocheted herself on her lap. I smile while I watch her tell off the character in whatever movie she is watching. My father sits in his recliner, Chloe on the couch beside my mother.
My eyes drop, and I see them holding hands, Chloe’s thumb blindly rubbing the back of Mom’s hand. Guilt flushes through me. I shouldn’t just be here for the weekend. I need to be here always.
While I stand there, no one notices me, as their eyes are glued to the TV. A small body bumps into my leg with a grunt. I glance down and watch Carter regain his balance with a dinosaur in his hand. His eyes find mine, and they light up.
“Uncle Leo!” He screeches with excitement.
Everyone’s attention has now turned on us as I pick the boy up and give him a big hug. “Hey, bud.”
“Leo, honey!” Mom greets me with a smile, leaning her body forward like she wants to stand up.
“Stay sitting, Mom.” She shouldn’t be getting up to hug me. She needs to relax.
“I didn’t know you were coming this weekend.”
“I wanted to keep it a surprise.” I set Carter down and tousle his hair before he leaves me, going to sit on the carpet between the TV and the coffee table where the rest of his toys are. I plop down onto the couch next to Chloe, my hand resting on her leg, giving it a soft squeeze. “What are we watching?”
“Jurassic Park,” Chloe answers. “It’s mainly because Carter is still in his dinosaur faze and begged to watch it.”
“And it’s the original movie.” Dad huffs out. He hates it when they remake anything.
I let go of Chloe’s hand, reaching over her to take my mother’s. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good, sweetie.” Her smile doesn’t reach her dull eyes, and a phone alarm goes off before she can continue speaking.
The sound is coming from Dad”s phone, and he doesn’t let it ring for more than a second before stopping it. “Time for your medicine and rest.”
Mom nods at him and then turns to me. “I’m sorry. You just got here, and I’m going to nap.”
“Don’t worry about it, mom. I’m here until tomorrow afternoon.”
“Good.” She grins this one a little fuller, the light fighting to shine through.
As soon as she stands with Dad”s help, I don’t take my eyes off her even though I want so badly to look away. She is too thin—the smallest I have ever seen her. As
Dad walks her around the coffee table, my eyes follow their movements and then drift over to Chloe, who is also watching. Tears line her eyes until she finds my gaze and offers a sad smile.
“I thought they said no medicine was helping the cancer.”
“It’s for the pain,” she informs me with a frown. “She’s been in a lot of it lately.”
I glance back to the kitchen, watching her take a drink to wash down the pill. “She didn’t tell me that.”
“She didn’t tell anyone other than her doctor, who then told dad.” She looks past me. “You can tell, though.”
They disappear out of the kitchen as they head up to their bedroom. Jurassic Park still plays in the background, Carter mimicking his toy dinosaur with how the dinosaur on the screen was roaring. “Have you told him?”
“He’s so young. He won’t understand.”
I watch my nephew play, and my heart twists, knowing he will be losing the best grandma ever. “Help him understand, Chloe. He needs to know.”
“You’re right.” She exhales a breath full of stress. “I knew the time would come to tell him, but I kept putting it off. Waiting for a miracle to come and save Mom.”
“Chloe…” My voice fell quiet.
She sniffs, tears falling down her face. At the sounds, Carter’s eyes leave the screen and find his mom. The kid doesn’t hesitate to get up, abandoning his toys and coming over to her.
“Mommy, why are you crying?” He is six, and he cares so much.
Chloe uses a hand to wipe away a tear. “Mommy is sad, honey.”
His eyes slid from her face to where his grandma was sitting. “Where did Grandma go?”
“She went to take a nap,” Chloe told him. “She was feeling tired.”
“She naps a lot.”
Chloe laughs lightly at his observance. “Yes. Look, Carter, Grandma hasn’t been feeling well lately.”
“Then we should take her to the doctor. They will give her medicine to feel better,” he suggests.
“They have given her medicine, and it’s not working.” Chloe’s fingers have intertwined, hands clasped together in her lap. “Carter... do you remember Lucy?”Our family chocolate lab passed away at the end of last year. He nods. “Do you remember how Lucy got sick and had to go to Heaven?”
Carter’s eyes light up. “The place that’s full of sunshine and dog toys?!”
Chloe and I can’t help but laugh at his words. “Yes, sweetie. Well…” Chloe glances over to me, and tears are threatening to escape my eyes. I subtly gesture for her to keep going, and then she looks back at Carter. “Grandma is going to Heaven too.”
His little face turned from brightness to confusion. “When?”
Chloe”s voice becomes unsteady. “We aren’t sure, but probably soon.”
Soon.
The words hit me more than they did Carter. Soon. We only found out last month about Mom”s cancer, and Chloe believes it will be soon that we will lose her.
A tear escapes Chloe, and Carter lifts his small hand to wipe it off his mother’s cheek. “If grandma is going to Heaven, why are you sad?”
I lock my fingers together, intertwining them tightly enough for me to focus on the pain to keep the tears at bay. He is young, and he doesn’t understand the concept of Heaven.
He doesn’t get why we are sad about our mother going when he thinks Lucy is having the time of her life up there.
“Because when Grandma goes to Heaven, we won’t see her anymore.”
Carter says nothing for a moment. He watches his mother continue to cry before he finally says, “Mommy, don’t cry. Grandma will have Lucy in Heaven.”
Chloe only sniffles in response, unable to speak for the same reason as me. If I open my mouth, I’ll cry and won’t be able to stop.
“They will have fun together, and then we can go to Heaven one day to see Grandma and Lucy. And I can play fetch with Lucy and rub her belly!”
“One day, Carter.” Chloe sits forward, pressing a soft kiss to her son’s forehead.
He flashes her a big smile and then leaves us to play with his dinosaurs. Our eyes stay on him while he plays for a while longer. Both of us sit in silence as he headbutts the T-Rex with the Stegosaurus.
I’m so entranced by how innocent he is. The news of his grandma going to heaven has little effect on him.
I was so in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear the front door open. I didn’t hear the footsteps coming down the hall. I wasn’t broken out of my thoughts until I heard a voice.
“Hey, man.” Myles stops right at the entryway. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”
I turn my head to look up at my best friend. “No one did.”
“It’s good to see you,” Myles says with a light grin. We haven’t spoken since I told him about Scarlet. He wasn’t as mad as I thought he would be and said she was interested in me first, anyway. He didn’t even give me shit about Veronica. That’s how down we are about this current situation.
“You too,” I respond after a beat. “What are you doing here?”
“He’s been coming over to check on things,” Chloe answers before getting off the couch. She strides over to him, taking a narrow paper bag out of his hand. My sister peers inside, inspecting what I assume to be a wine bottle, and then looks up at him with relief. “Thank you.”
My sister marches to the kitchen, wasting no time uncorking the wine and pouring herself a glass. Typically, she wouldn’t be drinking at eleven in the morning, but when times are tough...
“Hey, Carter.” Myles ruffles the messy hair on the boy”s head before sitting next to me.
“You’ve been coming over?”
“Yeah. I just thought... you’re busy, and I know you hate that you can’t be here as much as you want. I figured I would make sure everything’s going okay.” He runs his hands along his thighs. “Are you mad?”
Am I?
Hearing that Myles has stepped up and is the one checking on my family—the one who has been here for them—makes me sad, not angry. I’m sad that I can’t be here when I want to, that I can’t spend the limited time left that I have with my mother.
“No, I’m not mad,” I reassure him. “I’m grateful you’ve been here.”
He dips his head before glancing in the kitchen at Chloe, now resting against the counter. She has a wineglass in her hand and is staring blankly at the wall.
“Your sister hasn’t been doing good.”
Why was everything news to me? Why hadn’t she reached out for a shoulder to cry on?
“Between your mom and Carter”s sperm donor, she’s been crying nonstop.”
“Has she been drinking more, too?”
“Only when she’s super stressed.” He sighs, looking at the TV. “What happened before I came in?”
“She told Carter about mom. He took it surprisingly well for being a child.”
“He’s a smart kid,” Myles observes Carter with this light in his eyes. They are so full of love for my nephew, and I don’t miss the small smile tugging on his lips. “And Jennifer?”
It’s weird hearing someone mention my mom’s name. “She’s sleeping.”
His eyes fall to his lap, but then a soft cry that sounds from the kitchen catches his attention. Chloe’s hand was over her mouth, muffling the sounds leaving her because she didn’t want Carter to hear.
Neither one of us says anything, but Myles stands and goes to her. He grabs the glass out of her hand and sets it on the counter behind her. Then he is hugging her. She cries quietly into his chest while he runs his hand over her hair.
Myles whispers something to Chloe, something that I don’t hear or make out by reading his lips. Whatever he says, her shoulders are calming, and her head nods in agreement. He lets go of her, and Chloe reaches for her wineglass and the bottle before heading upstairs.
Exhaling a long breath, Myles reenters the living room but goes to Carter. “Hey bud, your mom is going to take a bath. You want to go get some food?”
Carter tosses the dinosaurs on the carpet and jumps up and down in excitement. “Can we go somewhere I can play?”
“Sure.” Myles grins at him. “Go grab your jacket and put on your shoes. If you need help tying them, I’ll be there in a second.”
“Okay!” Carter beams at Myles before taking off down the hall.
“You want to come with us?” Myles offers.
Swallowing, I shake my head. “It’s all right. I just got here. I don’t want to leave.”
“Text me if you want anything.”
He takes off down the hall, and I hear him mumbling to Carter while he helps him tie his shoes. The front door opens and closes quietly. Now, I’m alone.
Despite the movie playing in the room and the screams on the screen while a woman gets chased by a dinosaur... it’s too quiet. The busyness of our lives has come to a roaring silence in a matter of weeks. The chaos that once was our home has died down since the unfortunate news.
Then I realize the home will always feel like this once mom passes. It might not be quiet with Carter running around, but there would be a stillness with her not here—a missing part of our family, forever gone.
Clearing my throat, I get up from the couch. I can’t sit here and wallow in the sadness. At least not by myself— it will drive me crazy.
It made me remember that it’s exactly what Chloe was doing upstairs. Sitting in the warmth of a bath, feeling the cold from this depression leave her body thanks to the warm water.
Climbing the stairs two at a time, I get to my old bedroom and head for the bathroom door. We shared the bathroom when we were growing up. I had a door in my room, and she had one in hers.
She would take hours to get ready, barely allowing me time to brush my teeth. I’d always be rushing to school, thanks to her. I gently knock on the closed door using a single knuckle.
“Come in.” Her voice sounds soft.
The door creaks open, and she sits in the tub with a ton of bubbles surrounding her. Her hair is thrown up in a messy bun, and her arm is dangling off the side of the tub with her wineglass in hand. The sight makes me laugh, drawing her eyes to the sound.
“Remember when we were little, and Mom used to bathe us together? She would dowse the tub in that purple bubble shit you liked and then let the water fill up. By the time you and I got in the bath, the bubbles were almost overflowing.”
A hint of a smile plays on her lips. “You used to let me give you a bubble beard.”
“But when I wanted to give you one, you told me no.” I take a seat on the closed toilet next to the tub. “You said beards were for boys, and you were a princess. You insisted I make you a crown instead.”
That earns me a chuckle. “It was an awful crown. I almost wished you would have given me a beard instead. You looked so cool with one.”
“Trust me, you wouldn’t have looked half as cool as I did,” I tease.
Her mouth falls open with a gasp, and soon, she flicks soap at me. I laugh, not dodging her hit nearly enough. Suds land on my arm, and I gather them up, flicking them right back at her.
She laughs—truly laughs at the playfulness between us. Then, as she realizes how happy she seems, she quiets down and bites her lip, holding in tears.
“Chlo.” Her nickname comes out softly. “You can talk to me, you know?”
She relaxes back on the tub. “I know, and I’m sorry I haven’t been. You are going through all of this, too. It’s just that . . . I’ve been so busy with Carter and dealing with his dumbass father. And things with mom have taken a turn for the worse.”
“You shouldn’t be dealing with all of that alone,” I say, resting my elbows on my knees. “Although it seems Myles has been a big help.”
Her eyes coast over to mine, something that looks like a hint of guilt living in them. “He comes over whenever he can. He has also been really helpful with Carter when the kid’s father changes his plans last minute and won’t take his son for the weekend.”
“What a dick.” Anger fills my blood.
“Myles will take Carter off my hands, sometimes only for an hour or the whole day.” Her eyes focus on the bubbles. “That way, I can get work done or help Mom when Dad has to go to work.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here.”
“Don’t do that, Leo,” she dismisses my apology. “You have a very important job. Mom knows that. We all understand that you can’t come and go as you please. Do not feel bad when you are doing your absolute best.”
“I’m sure if I ask for more time off...”
“No.” She cuts me off. “You will do no such thing. Mom is beyond proud that you landed this job. That you are making a difference in your patients’ lives.” If only she knew. “She doesn’t want your world to stop even when hers spirals out of control. She doesn’t want our lives to be that way, and I know I am a mess, a complete and utter mess, but I’m trying. I’m trying to see the brighter side of things.”
“Like how Mom will be with Lucy?”
“Ugh!” Chloe groans. “I didn’t think he was going to say all that shit, and it made me even more sad. A little happy, too, since he’s so optimistic about it.”
“Maybe we all need to think like a six-year-old.”
“Not a bad idea,” she agrees. A beat of silence expands throughout the room. The movement of water ripples as she brings the glass to her lips. After a long chug, she whispers, “What will life be like without her?”
My eyes remain on the floor. Each of the square tiles are perfect except for one with a long crack in it from me dropping something on it when I was thirteen. I thought I got lucky, seeing as the other tiles were still intact, but I saw the damage when I lifted the large object. It hit that one spot perfectly.
“Hard. It’s going to be hard, but we will get through it. We have each other—Dad, Carter, and Myles. If one of us shatters, we will help pick up the pieces.”
The words rang in my ear. They were similar to what Veronica had told me: that if my heart shattered, she’d be there to pick up the pieces.
“We’ll always have each other.” Her glossy eyes look up at me.
“Always.”