45. Leo
“She seems…” Dr. Bennett follows Veronica’s movement while she moves down the hall and to the door before he finishes his thought, “different.”
I step back to allow him access to the room. “She is different. We established this when I first arrived here.”
He laughs under his breath, enters the room, and sits in a chair.
“Yes, but this? I haven’t seen this side of Veronica before. She appears to be… happy. Of course, differently than I’m used to.” He crosses one leg over the other, hands clasped together on his knee. “The only other times I see her express joy is after she wins a fight. I never thought I’d say this, but Veronica seems genuinely happy.” Dr. Bennett doesn’t fight the smile on his face. “I guess we have you to thank for that.”
My smile falters the tiniest bit, though not enough to draw suspicion. My heartbeat quickens because even though I know he meant my progress with her as a doctor, that isn’t the real reason she seems so happy.
Technically, it is part of it. During our sessions, she has opened up more to me. She stopped fighting me so damn much when I brought up her past.
What he doesn’t know is that the time she and I have spent together, naked and vulnerable, are the times that really helped her open up. I’ve seen a change in her, too.
Although I would never admit it to her because I’m afraid once I do, she’ll crawl back into her shell of hatred for the world.
She still hates the world.
She just has a soft spot for me, I guess.
And maybe Eliza.
“Veronica has been making real progress,” I finally say. “She has opened up more than I thought she ever would in our sessions, and I think that talking through all of her issues in the past might help heal the issues she has now. I mean, she has taken an interest in Eliza Greene.”
“Yes, I have seen them together a few times in the common room,” he says warily. “I was worried at first. I thought Veronica was picking on the poor girl, but then I saw Eliza laugh.”
“I wouldn’t say they are friends, but it is something that we never thought Veronica would achieve.”
“And her visit with her sister?” Henry’s finger taps lightly against his hand. “I heard that didn’t end well.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “No, it did not. They both had different expectations for the visit. Veronica was angry, but I kept her calm so she didn’t hurt anyone.”
“I appreciate you, Leo.” Dr. Bennett softly smiles. “We were worried that Veronica would have scared you off, as she did the other doctors. You were the first and only person to get through to her.”
I felt my cheeks redden at the compliment. “She had Dr. Davis, though. From what I remember, Veronica quite liked her.”
“She did. Dr. Davis was wonderful, but she never broke through Veronica’s tough exterior the way you have done. I’m very glad we brought you here.”
“I’m thankful that you gave me this opportunity.”
“How are things with your mother?” He changes the subject as quickly as the weather outside.
I allow my eyes to drop momentarily to collect myself before meeting his stare. “She isn’t doing well.”
A sad smile appears on his face, the corners of his mouth not reaching his eyes. “I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I lost my wife a few years ago because of cancer.”
“I’m sorry, Henry.” A pained expression twists my face. “I didn’t know.”
“How could you have?” An airy laugh escapes him. “I don’t talk about her much. Really at all. The pain is still there when I speak of her. Even with how long it has been.”
That’s not reassuring.“I’m afraid of that, too.”
“Leo, the pain will always be there. Some days, it will be unbearable, but others? You’ll hardly know it exists, but it does.” He uncrosses his legs. “It’s there, buried deep in a place that you deem safe. Never let go of that pain. Even when it makes you feel like the world is ending and you want to scream.”
“Letting go of that pain feels like the only way to keep living.”
Dr. Bennett stands while I remain sitting. “That’s where you are wrong. Keeping the pain, all that hurt? It is to make you remember you are alive. That you went into battle with the hardest parts of life, and you survived.”
The way he gives this advice reminded me of my mother. The wise words they both spew out in a moment, you need to hear them the most.
Even if it was something you don’t particularly want to hear. He withdrew from the room, leaving me to ponder his words in the silence of my office.
Taking out my phone, I search for Chloe’s name.
How are you doing?
I stay in my chair, gazing out the window to my left, only to see a few trees outside the window. I haven’t been out by the lake in a while. The reason is I haven’t had the time.
Then there is the real reason: Scarlet sits out there, and I don’t want to run into her. She hasn’t visited this ward as much as she used to. I’m thankful for that because her kissing me made things awkward, and I can’t deal with that now.
My phone dings.
I’m doing all right. We managed to get Mom out of the house!
She sends an attachment, and when I open the image, it’s a picture of a dinosaur skeleton. A laugh erupts in my chest before swiping over to the next one.
A picture of Carter, cheesing so hard in front of the skeleton. Then another one comes through of Carter and my mother, who is in a wheelchair, smiling like they are having the time of their lives.
Carter begged for about an hour to come here. He wanted all of us to come, and I kept telling him no, but Mom insisted she was all right to go.
Better hope he doesn’t get into a phase with prisons or something. What will your excuse be when he asks to take a tour of a jail cell?
With the rate his father is going, he could probably go visit him in said prison.
What did he do now?
Hit his new girlfriend. As sorry as I feel for her, I’m glad that the asshole never wants to spend time with Carter. If he laid a hand on him, I’d be the one going to jail.
You and I both. How’s Mom doing with the outing?
Good. She is tired of all the sightseeing and noise but is hanging in there.
I’ll try to come again this weekend.
She doesn’t respond for a few minutes. When I thought she wouldn’t, she sends a picture of Carter attempting to climb over the railings of an exhibit to get closer to a Brachiosaurus. I toss my head back with a laugh and have to wipe away the tears from my eyes, and then another text rolls through.
This child, I swear! He might as well be coming to jail with us if he keeps up this breaking and entering.
We would love for you to come back this weekend. Just let us know!
I call him as my cellmate. You don’t pick up after yourself, and you snore while you sleep.
She sends the middle finger emoji.
I’ll let you know if I’m able to visit. Have fun, and keep sending me pictures!
Chloe sends me many pictures. Some were taken from my mother”s phone, which captured Carter scaling the railing of another exhibit.
The rest were normal photos of my sister, my parents, and Carter. Carter sticking his tongue out or making some other silly face in every photo.
Fuck, I wish I was there.
Maybe I could take her and Carter to do something fun this weekend. If Mom is up to it, she could come along, too. Mom always wanted to travel.
She and Dad tried their best to take us places when we were growing up. We never went outside of the country, but we went to many states.
They had taken us to Disneyland when I was ten and Chloe was seven. Our parents made sure we were old enough so that when they took us, we would remember it. It was a blast. Dad was one to get sick on rides that go too fast or spin wildly, so it was our mom who took us on the rides.
The rollercoasters that Chloe couldn’t go on since she didn’t reach the height requirement, she would stay with Dad, who would buy her cotton candy and lemonade while Mom and I rode the coaster.
Even as a ten-year-old boy who wanted the entire world to think he was brave, I was terrified. It was the biggest roller coaster I had ever been on in my short life.
My mother sensed my fear and held my hand the entire time. The comfort of her touch, knowing that she was there experiencing it with me, made the fear slip away.
When we got off the ride, we were laughing and smiling. It was so much fun that I begged us to ride it again, and we did.
When I turned sixteen, they let me choose where to go for the family trip. We went to New York. Not because I wanted to but because my mother wanted to.
I overheard her talking to one of her friends at the library on the phone one day, gushing about seeing the city that never sleeps.
We saw Time Square, which was overrated, smelled like shit, and was crowded. Chloe fought over her fear of heights and went to the top of the Empire State Building with us.
She didn’t, however, go to the edge and look at the view. She nervously told my mother to take a picture so she could enjoy the view that way.
Chloe’s sixteenth birthday came around, and they offered her the chance to choose the trip that year. She was so excited, squealing when they talked about it.
She picked Hawaii because nothing makes Chloe happier than the sun and sand. At first, I was annoyed that she had chosen a place she wanted to go, seeing as I had chosen New York for our mom.
The annoyance soon vanished when Chloe and I were playing with a frisbee on the beach. I glanced at my mom, her eyes shut, her head tilted back, and a closed smile plastered on her face.
It was then that I realized it didn’t matter where Chloe would have chosen to vacation. My mother would have been happy with wherever because she was with her family.
After that trip, we didn’t go on anymore. I became busy with my third year of college, and Chloe was just starting out in her first year. I miss those times, and the hurt from the memories hurts as much as the understanding that it would never happen again.
We were going to take Carter to Disneyland in two years.
It won’t be the same without our mother.
I never made it to my parents this past weekend. An emergency session came up with Ruby. She snapped, and I wasn’t understanding how this happened when she seemed to be doing fine.
It started in the cafeteria. Another girl snatched the sandwich straight from her hands, which pushed her over the edge that I wasn’t aware she was teetering on.
She used the tray as a weapon, slamming it into the patient’s head. Repeatedly. It took two guards to sedate her, and they put her solitary while she slept off the medication.
Once it was out of her system, they brought her to my office, where we talked for more than the allotted time I would normally give a patient. The session led me to discover that this girl who took her food had been pushing her buttons regularly.
She apologized to me for not bringing it up in our sessions. Ruby thought she could handle the situation independently, but then that situation got out of control.
Dr. Bennett needed me to have this immediate session with Ruby. To help dampen the fire on the whole thing. There was sorrow in his eyes, him knowing that I wanted to go home. But I stayed.
I called Chloe to inform her I wouldn’t be coming home. She said it was fine because Mom wouldn’t have been up for much. She was extremely exhausted and slept most of the weekend. It didn’t matter to me if she was tired. I wanted to be there even if it meant I was downstairs and she was in bed. I wanted to be under the same roof as her.
Separating my thoughts from the day for a time later that I would allow myself to sulk in them, I enter the common room to find Ruby. She sits, reading a book as I approach her. The book closes with a snap, and her eyes meet mine.
“It’s stuffy in here. Would you like to have our session outdoors? We could go for a walk.”
Nodding, she stands and places the book on the coffee table. Edith told me about the gardens the patients could walk through under supervision. Of course, guards are patrolling the grounds. I’ve never been out to see it myself, and I need fresh air.
I greet the guard standing at the garden door, who opened the door for us. I’m amazed at what I see. Multiple colors flood my vision. Different types of flowers are scattered in their own squared-off spaces around the area.
Catmints are bundled together to our left, vibrant red cosmos seeds are planted to our right, and blue flax is behind those. I knew these flowers’ names only from the time I spent with my mother in her garden.
She loved to experiment with her garden. Planting different flowers that people normally wouldn’t. We looked through dozens of books, staring at multiple photos of the world”s most beautiful flowers.
Without thinking, I take my phone out and take a few pictures. Ruby glances over at me with a quizzical expression.
“My mother loves to garden. These would amaze her,” I tell her, taking more photos as we walk closer to the plants. “I didn’t know this was out here.”
“I’ve been out here a few times when I needed fresh air. I’d rather come out here than the courtyard where every other patient wants to be.”
“They don’t come out here?”
“Most of them don’t appreciate the beauty of gardens. The ones that do, I’ve heard, helped plant these flowers.” She steps over to the tall hedge that acts as a wall to the entire area. The tall shrubs surround the perimeter, although I’m sure there is a fence behind them so no one can escape.
Ruby runs her hands along the leaves of the hedge, giving each finger a chance to touch it as she continues walking. I send the pictures to my mother and then pocket my phone. “I’ve never been to the courtyard, but I think I’d rather spend my time here when I needed fresh air as well.”
She stops, turning her head while the tips of her fingers pinched a leaf. “You’ve never been out there?”
“Haven’t had the time.”
“You get the weekends off, don’t you?”
“Typically, I do unless something here needs my attention.”
“And what do you typically do with your weekends?” She wonders.
“Lately, I’ve been going home.” I cross my hands behind my back. My face falls slightly, making Ruby take notice. Her head bends to the right while her forehead creases with a line of confusion. “My mother is sick.”
Her face softens immediately, sorrow flashing in her gaze. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Madden.”
“It isn’t your fault, Ruby.”
“Yeah, but—” She lets go of the leaf, her hand combing through her hair. “I went all crazy, and you had to stay.”
“Please don’t blame yourself. My family understands the circumstances of my job.”
“Your family should come first, Dr. Madden,” she states, a truth I know all too well. “Family always comes first no matter what.”
She walks away as the words spin in my mind. I’ve always taken my jobs too seriously. It was the same way with college. I only went home on the holidays, occasionally calling my parents and even Chloe.
Fuck, I regret not putting my family first.
I missed Cater’s birthday parties during my college years. I was studying too hard and was way too damn focused to do anything else. If I had the time, I’d try to FaceTime them when Carter would open presents. It wasn’t the same as actually being there.
Don’t trouble yourself, sweetheart. We understand how busy you are and how much school means to you. Words my mother told me more than once creep into my memory.
That’s the thing, though. No matter how much school meant to me or how involved I was with my studies, my family meant more. The realization hits me: I cannot change any of that.
Now, I’m cursed with limited time to make things right and to spend that lost time with my family. Maybe my mother”s death was life”s karma being thrown back at me for not putting my family first—a twisted way of life punishing me for not spending precious time with them.
Cracking my neck, I take steps to walk with Ruby again. She is still striding slowly against the wall of greenery, her head angled to the left so she can take in the blooms.
Once I am at her side, she offers me a promise. “I won’t keep my feelings buried deep down anymore. If I’m having issues, I’ll come to you.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” I grin at her despite the regret that fills my chest. “It’s better to talk about it rather than hold it in. Once you can’t fit any more emotions wherever you hide them from everyone, they will explode out of you.”
“And result in my beating a girl to a pulp with a lunch tray.” She groans, remorse flashing over her face. “They are going to take away the trays now, aren’t they?”
“Most likely, but they probably shouldn’t have had them in the first place, seeing as they are hard plastic and can be used as a weapon.”
“I’m awful.” She halts, staring down at the white Magnolia before us.
“No, you’re not,” I reassure her. “I’m not condoning what you did. Your behavior was unacceptable, but as humans, I believe we are all a ticking time bomb. It just takes one little instance to set us over the edge—to light that fuse that sparks the explosion.”
“Such a wise man you are.” She smirks but doesn’t look at me. “I’m thankful you’re my doctor because you care. You talk to me as if I’m not a crazy person.”
“I can’t speak for the other doctors and their practices, but my job is to make you feel comfortable and safe. There are a lot of doctors who see their patients as numbers and dollar signs.” I think back to a colleague I had at the office in downtown Seattle who thought exactly that way. He was an ass. “They don’t care about their patient”s problems and will pretend to listen and then tell the patients what they want to hear because, at the end of the day, they get paid for that visit. I would do this job for free.”
Ruby studies my face as I focus on the flowers. “That’s what makes you special, Dr. Madden. You are genuine and aren’t afraid to tell us how it really is. Thank you for never sugarcoating anything.” Her eyes slide to the flowers that hold my attention. “I think I’m going to go back inside and take a nap. The medication they used to sedate me is still making me feel tired.”
With a nod of approval, Ruby withdraws from her place in the garden.
I stand there for another minute before deciding I’ve had enough fresh air. Heading back inside, my phone rings in my pocket. When I take it out, I see my mother calling me.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, honey.” She tries to sound upbeat, but the exhaustion is slipping through her fa?ade. “I saw the picture of the garden you sent me. How beautiful is that!”
Making my way down the hall, I keep my voice quieter, not wanting patients who hang out in the halls to eavesdrop on my conversation. It’s not like it would be anything interesting for them, anyway. “I knew you’d like it. I only learned about it today, which is a shame.”
“That it is. It’s wonderful that the facility has a garden for the patients to stroll through.”
“Some patients did the gardening themselves.” I repeat the information Ruby provided me.
“How smart! Gardening can be such a stress reliever. That’s why I donated all that stuff to those children. To keep their hands busy and stay off the streets.” She breathes in heavily. “That’s also why I started when I was younger. Getting your hands dirty to plant something and having the reward of watching it come to life? It was always very fulfilling.”
I’ve always loved listening to her speak about her passions. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come this weekend, and before you tell me you understand, please don’t. I wanted to be with you, Dad, and Chloe, but there was an altercation at work.”
“Leo, sweetheart, do not be hard on yourself.” Another way she says she understands the circumstances but still not use words. “You didn’t miss much. I slept all weekend.”
“That doesn’t matter, Mom.” As I round the corner, Veronica comes into view with something tucked into her side. A book she is reading, or maybe it’s her journal, I’m not sure. I haven’t seen her writing in it lately. “I should be there, regardless.”
“You can come home this weekend,” she suggests. I could almost picture the soft smile on her face. “Other than the tiredness, I’ve been feeling better.”
“That’s good to hear.” Veronica approaches, halting her steps when she is in front of me. I keep my eyes on hers as I continue the conversation with my mother. “I really am sorry. Not only for not being around right now but also in the past. I should have made time for you guys.”
“No more of the nonsense apologies. I love you, Leo. I love your work ethic, and I’ll be damned if you keep apologizing for working hard. You were around enough, and when you couldn’t be here, you made it a point to call or text. I am not angry with you if that’s what you think. You are my son. I could never be angry with you.”
A sad smile forms on my face. Veronica’s brows furrow, and she inclines her head to the side. “I love you too, Mom.”
I hear a sigh of relief from the other end of the phone. “I’m going to eat some lunch, and I’ll see you next weekend.”
“Yes, you will,” I assure her before we end the phone call.
“How is she?” Veronica asks as soon as I hang up.
“She says she is feeling better but still tired.”
“That’s good though, right? That she is feeling somewhat better?”
“It is a very good thing.” I drop my eyes to the object cradled against her body. It’s a book. “I haven’t seen you with your journal.”
Veronica untucks the book from under her arm and stares at it before meeting my gaze. “Ever since I’ve opened up to you, I haven’t really found a need to write anything down. Normally, all the issues I held would be poured into my journal, but now? I don’t really need to.”
“So I got you a new one for nothing?”
Her eyes quickly dart to mine. “What? No! I used it, and I’m thankful you got me one. It’s just... shit. I didn’t mean...”
“Calm down, Vee. I’m just messing with you.” Her shoulders relax. “I’m happy you don’t feel the need to write all the emotions and issues you suppressed. Maybe now, instead of all the bad things, you can use the journal to write about the good things you feel.”
She raises an eyebrow and lowers her voice. “Are you suggesting I write about the sex we have?”
My eyes dance between hers, watching that mischievous glow light them up. “I would suggest that you should not do that in case your journal gets into the wrong hands.”
A dramatic sigh falls from her mouth. “Then maybe I should lie and tell you I have written nothing about us in there. I have a hiding place for it, anyway.”
“People are good at snooping around where they don’t belong.”
“And if they do, I’ll deal with it,” she states matter-of-factly. “But no one will touch it.”
“Would you let me read it?” Given how private someone”s thoughts are, it”s a dangerous question, but when she divulged most information to me recently, I figured it might be safe to ask.
Her brown eyes dim, hardening briefly before returning to normal. “If you want to know what I write about you and me in there, all you have to do is ask. You don’t need to read the words written on paper. I would happily tell you.”
“I think I’d rather hear it come from this beautiful mouth of yours, anyway.” I allow my eyes to fall to her parted lips. The corners tugging up slightly. God, I want to kiss her. I want to wrap my hand around the back of her neck, pull her into me, and lose myself in her taste.
“Would you like to take this to your office?” Her offer pulls me out of my daydream.
“As much as I would like to, I have a busy day ahead of me, and I can’t afford any distractions.” My tongue runs along my bottom lip. “But I will probably take you up on that offer tomorrow.”
“Pity. I’m very good at distracting, but I suppose I can be a good girl and wait.” She nestles the book to her chest. “If you change your mind or need an escape from your horrible work, I’ll be in the lobby.”
She flashes me a wink, then steers around me to continue her venture to go read.