Chapter 11 #2
Michelle closed the distance between herself and her son. She took his hand and added, “You’re loving a woman who’s been through hell. There’s a very big difference.”
Xander’s shoulders sank at that, because yes, his mother was right.
Rylee had experienced a level of heartbreak he always wished he could take from her whenever he looked into her eyes.
If he could bear the pain she clearly carried on her heart, he would. Without question.
Michelle guided Xander back to the couch, taking a seat beside him and placing her hand on his knee.
“You said you love her, right?”
He nodded, eyes on the carpet. “Very much.”
“Then let her feel what she needs to feel.”
Xander looked at his mother, and she gave him a sweet smile while squeezing his knee.
“Grief…” She shook her head. “That thang doesn’t have a timeline. You know that better than most, being in your line of work, and just from experience.”
Xander ran his tongue across his teeth, his mind playing back some of the most heartbreaking scenarios he’d found himself in as a firefighter.
There weren’t many, but the tragedies he’d had the unfortunate opportunity of being in the center of… they’d truly stolen a little life from him.
But really, nothing compared to growing up without a father who died from gun violence.
“When I lost your father,” Michelle continued, “I could not be bothered with anyone. I just could not do it, so I totally get where Rylee is coming from. I probably would’ve considered what she’s considering if I’d gotten pregnant when I believed I was done with children.”
She turned to face him fully.
“So, look…” Michelle paused to press her hands together, like she was about to pray, dropping her head to gather her breath before continuing.
“If that woman decides she can’t have the baby…”
Xander sucked his teeth and looked away, shaking his head. He didn’t even want to consider what it would be like if Rylee actually decided to go through with it.
Michelle was quick to take his head in her hands, pressing her palms to either side of his face.
“Xander. Xander,” Michelle said until he looked at her again. “If she decides not to have it, real love means you don’t hold it against her.”
He shook his head. “That’s easier said than done, though, Ma. Come on…” Xander inhaled a stuttered breath.
Michelle moved her hands off his face and placed a hand to his chest. “Xander—”
“I already see that kid in my head,” he interjected, tapping his temple with his fingertip. “I see Rylee with a belly.”
He smiled next. “Nova rubbing it, LJ talking to it.” He closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy that vision for what it was worth. “I can’t unsee that. I just… I can’t.”
Michelle scooted closer on the couch and pressed a hand to the side of his face. “Then, baby, pray on it… and love her anyway. You hear me? Love her anyway.”
Xander swallowed back the lump forming in his throat and looked away, needing to blink back the tears pooling in his eyes.
He sniffed, then dropped his head back against the neck of his mother’s couch, closing his eyes.
Michelle was quick to wrap her arms around him and lean his head against her chest.
And even though Xander was grown, in his mother’s hug he felt like a kid again.
He felt safe, like everything would really be okay.
Xander melted into her embrace the way only a grown man who’s run out of strength could melt into his mother’s arms.
“You can’t fix this for her, Xander. You just gotta be there when she’s ready to talk, you know?”
Xander nodded. It was the right thing to do. He also nodded because he couldn’t see himself doing anything else but being there for Rylee whenever she needed him.
“Because that’s what real men do. And baby, you are a real man.” Michelle nodded. “And I know she knows that.”
Xander spent almost half an hour at his mother’s daycare, the two of them talking a little more until the weight on his chest felt a little lighter.
Although he still felt down about everything that had happened at Rylee’s home…
He at least had a plan.
He would wait.
And pray.
Wait for her to let him know when she was ready to talk, and pray that she wouldn’t make her decision without speaking with him again.
Xander was making his way down the stairs and heading to the front door when he passed the room where a group of toddlers were napping.
He spotted one of the toddlers, a little girl, poking her head up and immediately gripping the crib railing when she saw him.
He pressed a finger to his lips and gestured for her to lay back down, which she didn’t obey.
He snickered to himself as he entered the room, waving at one of the caregivers who was just about to stand up to attend to the little girl.
“It’s time to nap, pretty girl,” he said to her, pinching her cheek.
Xander helped her back onto her back, lifted the pacifier that had fallen from her mouth and was laying on the mattress. After giving her the pacifier and placing a stuffed animal beside her, he covered her and pressed a hand to her forehead.
“Sleep, sleep,” he whispered, before turning to leave, waving at the caregiver once more as he exited the room.
The moment he stepped out the door and closed it behind him, he stood on the stoop, inhaling the cold Brooklyn air and staring out at the tree-lined neighborhood in front of him.
He had no idea what would come next after all of this.
But he knew one thing for certain…
He wasn’t giving up.
Not on Rylee.
And definitely not on the idea of her having their baby.