Chapter 37
37
I’ve just met Tony in the hallway. You’d think almost a month and a half after we stopped something that never really started, that wouldn’t matter. But it does. Enough that the semi-greeting between two people who aren’t talking, simply because there’s nothing to say, is the worst thing that’s happened today. That’s saying something. We’re in the frantic run-up to the Christmas season and the players are scheduled so tight, they don’t know if they’re coming or going. Every time I see anyone, they need something. Apart from Tony, obviously, unless it’s to hurry away as fast as he can.
So, it’s unfortunate that the first thing I do when I get into the office is knock over a precariously balanced plate of biscuits. And it’s even more unfortunate that the first person I see is Katia.
‘What on earth are those doing there?’ My voice is sharp with the exhausted irritation that’s been prickling away since I woke up.
Katia’s already scrabbling around on the floor for cookie fragments. ‘I’m sorry, Genie. I’ll clear it up.’
‘That wasn’t what I asked. Why are they there? And come to that, why is any of this here?’ I sweep my arm around, to encompass the stacks of pastries, bowls of sweets and platters of biscuits that fill every available surface. ‘It looks like we’re working on a gingerbread house to trap the academy kids.’ Which would be appropriate, given what a witch I sound. But I can’t stop myself adding, ‘And there’s no point just picking up those big bits, there are crumbs everywhere. We’ll end up with vermin.’
‘I’ll get a dustpan and brush.’ Katia straightens and scuttles toward the door, scooping food off the desks as she goes. ‘Sorry, Genie, sorry.’
Suddenly, my irritation disappears and all I feel is awful. If it were Sky, it wouldn’t matter. She’d think ‘Genie’s being a bitch’, then get back to whatever was on her mind before, probably something to do with formations. And by lunchtime, it’d be forgotten. But Katia will be genuinely blaming herself for me having overturned a plate. That means all the confidence she’s been building up will be knocked back again, just because I can’t control my temper.
I try to make my voice gentle. ‘No, Kat. Stop. I’m sorry.’ She freezes, awkwardly mid-stretch for a bowl of chocolates. ‘I’m the one who knocked it over, I’ll clear it up.’
Katia shakes her head quickly, her eyes still wide. ‘I don’t mind.’
‘Well, I do. Go and sit down, and I’ll find some cleaning stuff.’
When I get back to the office, Katia looks so miserable, I ignore the crumbs and go and sit on the edge of her desk. I touch her shoulder briefly. ‘I am sorry, Kat. Really, please forget it. I’m just in a mood. It’s nothing to do with you.’
She nods, but turns her head away, like a guilty child.
‘Is there something else?’
Katia looks back at me, and pulls an apologetic face. ‘It was me, who put the biscuits there.’
I make myself laugh, since it takes a conscious effort these days. ‘Is that all? I thought you must’ve booked the under twenty-threes into the same hotel as a strippers’ convention, at the very least.’
Katia doesn’t actually laugh, but she moves her face like she’s trying to. She only does that when she’s super uncomfortable.
‘Come on, Kat. It’s obviously not just you putting the plate there, or me behaving like an evil stepmother. So, what is it?’
Katia pulls at a strand of hair. ‘It’s Tony.’
I really don’t want to talk about Tony, but I make my voice light. ‘Well, that shouldn’t be too hard to sort. I know he and I aren’t as friendly as we were, but I can still help you with whatever he needs.’
Katia shakes her head. ‘No, it’s not a player-care thing. It’s the biscuits.’
I make a confused face. ‘How’s our office turning into a bakery anything to do with Tony?’
‘I bumped into him on my way out a couple of days ago, and he um, he said…’
There’s the start of tears and I put my arm around her. ‘Did he upset you, sweetie? Because if he did, that’s not OK. And you know I’ll deal with it, don’t you?’
Katia straightens her shoulders. ‘No, he didn’t. Well, not really anyway. He was just, sort of intense.’
Having been on the receiving end of Tony’s version of intensity, I suspect she was upset. Honestly, I could do without this, but I’ll have to steel myself to sort it out. ‘Intense about what?’
‘About you.’ She looks down at her desk and re-arranges her pens. ‘He was saying you looked tired, and how you’d lost weight, and that you couldn’t be eating properly. And how you always look out for me and Sky, and let us get away with things…’
The words are spilling out so fast, it’s hard to interrupt, but I can’t let that pass. ‘That’s absolutely not true, you both do excellent work.’ Then, even I have to admit, that’s stretching the truth. ‘Well, you do anyway. Sky does adequate to good work.’
Katia shakes her head, her eyes gloomy. ‘Except what Tony said was true. You let me go early to do things with LeMar, almost as much as you let Sky slope off for training. And you’re working late almost every night and…’
I shrug. ‘And that’s why I’m the boss.’
‘But you’ve always been the boss, and you’ve always worked late, but you weren’t how you are now. And me and Sky have been so busy with our own things, we didn’t notice.’
‘Is that what Tony said?’
Katia nods.
I tighten my arm around her shoulder and she reaches up to squeeze my hand. ‘And when he said it, I was annoyed. But then I thought about it, and it’s true. Especially the bit about you losing weight. You’ve been slim for as long as I’ve worked here, but you know, healthy slim. Now, you’re thin.’ There’s a tear now, rolling down her cheek. ‘And that’s what happened when LeMar’s mum got sick, so I thought you might be too and…’
‘Oh Kat, sweetie, you should’ve just asked. I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me.’
‘But you’d say that, even if you weren’t. And I know weight’s a sensitive thing, so I thought if I made sure there was lots of food around and you didn’t eat it, it’d be because you were sad about Tony. But if you were eating and still getting thinner, then I’d know you were ill. And maybe you’d talk to LeMar, if I got him to ask, because the two of you are close.’
I pull her into me. ‘Kat, we’re close.’ Stepping away, I crouch down so I can look at her properly. ‘And I promise, there’s nothing physically wrong with me, except I’m not sleeping that well.’
Which is about Tony. Tony, and the red car I’d noticed, which is back lurking on and off. And me being so tired, I slump on the sofa the minute I get home, then can’t get myself together enough to go to bed. But I can’t face going through any of that with Kat. So, I carry on, slow and steady, nails in my palms to hold back tears. ‘And that’s making everything more of a struggle, so I don’t have much energy left for cooking.’ I don’t add, ‘and I’m too miserable to eat.’ Although, oddly for someone who’s always consumed their feelings, that’s true.
Katia nods, her face solemn. ‘I understand.’ She reaches to brush my hand. ‘Except, I don’t. Because I don’t understand the thing with Tony.’
I smile slightly. ‘I know you’re not keen.’
Katia leans forward she’s so keen to make her point. ‘No, no, it’s not that. I mean, I didn’t like him, not at first. But the two of you always seemed so happy, just being in the same room. I don’t understand what’s changed. He must still care about you, or he wouldn’t have spoken to me about the weight and stuff.’
My smile is at best lopsided. ‘I think he feels guilty.’
‘Yes, but why? We had a nice dinner, then the two of you were in the car for all of fifteen minutes and everything was over. What can possibly change in that time?’
‘Nothing changed. We just clarified something that had been there all along.’ She looks unconvinced and I pull at the oversized dog-hairy jumper that’s become my work-wear staple. ‘Angharad. It turned out to be more serious than I’d thought.’
‘Oh.’ Katia looks as glum as is humanly possible while wearing a fuzzy bubble-gum pink sweater dress. Then she changes to puzzled. ‘Do you think they’re back together now?’
‘Yes.’ To begin with, I wasn’t sure. But most nights, I hear a car engine that can only be Tony’s, driving through the village. It’s always roughly when I get back from Roudie’s evening walk. Which is about right, for going to London straight after training, and staying an hour or two. And who else would he be coming back from, night after night?
‘Then why’s he so miserable?’ Katia asks.
‘I don’t think he is. He’s playing too well.’ Plus, he’s doing extra stuff for the academy, media requests, M&Gs, everything you could possibly ask of a player. So, I guess it wasn’t just that he didn’t want me, he doesn’t need me either.
Katia pulls her mouth to one side. ‘But he’s not smiley any more.’
I shrug. ‘Probably doesn’t have the energy, with how fast games are coming up until after New Year. But Kat, if Tony’s playing fine, that’s not our concern. And honestly, you don’t have to worry about any of this. I’m not going crazy or starving myself. I’m just sad, but I’ll get over it.’
She bites at her lip. ‘All right, Genie, but do you mind if I say something that’s a bit, well, in your business?’
‘No, go on.’
‘It’s just, I know you don’t think so, but I’ve had to fight for LeMar, plenty of times. There are always girls messaging him, coming up to him, trying to get his attention.’
I can’t help smiling. ‘But he’s not remotely interested in them.’
‘Yes, but there’ve been times when he could’ve been, if I hadn’t made sure he wasn’t.’ She’s not complaining, it’s like it’s a fact of life. But it makes me see there must’ve been times when she’s needed more from me than I’ve given. Katia puts her hand over mine. ‘So, if you want Tony, who cares about Angharad? It’s not like they’re married, or living together, or anything serious. Why should you just let her have him?’
The phone rings and she turns to answer. I watch her, smiling as she talks, making her voice fur-coat warm. And I do wonder if there isn’t quite a bit more to Kat than meets the eye. And if maybe it isn’t about time I started taking her advice?
She puts the phone down, pulling a face. ‘Sorry, Genie. Monica wants you. Now.’