Chapter 36
36
I must have slept because a ping from WhatsApp wakes me. But my brain’s so fuzzy, it takes effort to process Tony’s message:
I can’t let you go over something that’s not even true. You thinking I don’t want you makes no sense. I’m beyond attracted to you and have been since day one. Please come over tonight & let me prove it. I swear I won’t bottle it again
07.01
It breaks my heart, but that doesn’t really change anything.
We both know you’re trying to force yourself into committing to me because you think it’s the right thing to do. Being your safe, boring choice isn’t enough for me
07.05
If you was safe, I’d not be losing my mind over you
07.06
I thought that’s how you feel about Angharad?
07.07
It’s not until I press send that I realize the jealousy is obvious.
I don’t feel nothing for her any more. And if this is about you thinking you’re second best, that’s so easy to fix. You’re my number one, all-time best, , no question. What’ve you got to lose by giving me one last chance to show you?
07.09
I stare at the empty pillow beside me.
OK. I’ll come over after work.
07.15
Thank you, thank you, thank you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
07.16
We always check deliveries on arrival, so while the leather-clad courier exaggeratedly checks his watch, I snap open boxes from Claudia’s Fine Jewellery. Two are pieces commissioned back in September, since Claudia won’t sacrifice quality for speed, even when it’s a player needing a Christmas present. The last is a square box, in Claudia’s signature purple.
The ring inside is distinctively hers too. The band is broader than a typical engagement ring. But the square-cut diamond is so perfect in its simplicity, it couldn’t be anything else. Only it’s not the diamond that holds my attention, it’s the little rubies, scattered through the gold like drops of blood. The courier coughs. I scrawl a signature, but I’m fixed back on the ring before he’s even out of the door. Well, on the ring and the genie’s lamp on my desk, because the similarity’s obvious. I check the package, it’s addressed to Tony, and it must’ve been included with the others by mistake, because the address is the lodge, not the club. So, I guess I wasn’t meant to see it.
I sit, staring at the ring, a cold, dead feeling creeping up inside. Skylar saunters in and launches into a story about training. I make noises like I’m listening, until she stops mid-sentence.
‘What’s wrong, Genie?’
I hold out the ring box. ‘Guess whose?’
She looks at the ring.
‘Yours?’ Her voice is chilly, so even if I said it was, I doubt there’d be congratulations.
‘No, I just signed for it.’ I sound surprisingly normal.
Skylar prods the open box. ‘Is it me or does it remind you of your lamp?’
I give a small shrug. Skylar’s been in Player Care long enough to learn men are magpies. Borrowing something here, something there, until when they put it all together, it seems like it’s just for you. And the genie thing, it’s a lovely little morsel to add to the collection. I’d bet you anything, Tony’s got a whole make-my-wish-come-true routine worked out to go with the ring.
‘He’d have ordered it when, end of August, beginning of September?’ Skylar asks. That’s another thing she’s picked up working here, the wait time for custom jewellery.
I nod and she says flatly, ‘For Angharad then, you think?’
‘Umm.’
Skylar snorts. ‘What a bastard.’
Everything feels just out of reach, and my voice has the same far-away quality when I say, ‘That’s not necessarily fair.’
‘Don’t defend him. He’s been all over you from the start. Now it turns out he’s still tangled up with her.’
‘You don’t know that. Like you say, he must’ve ordered this almost as soon as he got here. Just because it wasn’t over between them then, doesn’t mean things didn’t change.’
I say it like that would make everything fine between me and Tony, only obviously, it wouldn’t. The picture Tony painted last night doesn’t fit with an engagement ring. But now, I know when Tony was standing in my garden, saying he’d missed me, he was planning at one point on asking Angharad to marry him. So, he’s lied to me, it’s just the size of the lie that’s up for debate.
Skylar pulls out her phone, shaking her head. She scrolls for a second, then pokes it at me. ‘Only there’s this, too.’
The screen’s open on Angharad’s social media. Or, more specifically, on a photo of Angharad wearing a Covenly shirt. There’s a match playing on the TV behind her, and the caption is three grey heart emojis. I’m about to say that’s not necessarily anything to do with Tony, when Skylar says, ‘I asked in the shop. She was on the last players’ list.’
Players constantly get shirt requests from friends, family and fans, and each player has an allowance of freebies. The latest list would have been a month ago, about when Tony and I were walking on the beach. So, the same time that I was making a conscious effort not to think about Angharad, let alone internet stalk her.
‘Oh.’ I can’t say any more.
‘I’m sorry, Genie. I should’ve told you right away.’ Skylar puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘Only I didn’t want to upset you if it was just a misunderstanding, or a mistake or something.’
Suddenly her training with Tony takes on a different light. Or it would, if I hadn’t seen her in Tony’s kitchen. I narrow my eyes. ‘Why come on to Tony, then?’
‘He told you?’
‘No, of course not. I saw, when I walked in.’
Skylar shuffles her feet. ‘Well, there’ve been a few rumours about Tony and Angharad, right from when he started, but I wasn’t convinced they were true. And at first, you didn’t seem to want anything serious, so I didn’t think it mattered much either way. Only when you, um, said you…’
She looks down and I finish for her. ‘Love him?’
She nods. ‘I decided to look into it a bit more, so I started going through her socials. And I thought the shirt probably was nothing. I mean, it’s their agents half the time, isn’t it? Putting in the requests. Only I knew, if I asked, he’d say that, so…’
‘You thought you’d test him?’ I ask, flatly.
Skylar nods, then crinkles up her brow. ‘And when he didn’t go for it, I thought it was OK, that proved he was only interested in you. So I didn’t need to tell you.’ She waits for my face to change. When it doesn’t, she sighs. ‘Sorry, Genie, it was a stupid thing to do, wasn’t it?’
I tell myself she doesn’t have much experience of actual adult relationships. ‘No, it’s all right. It’s just not quite how things work.’ Even with how awful I feel, I almost laugh. ‘I mean, I know you’re gorgeous. But with Kat and LeMar in the next room, and me about to turn up, did you honestly expect him to pounce on you?’
She shrugs. ‘The old Tony would’ve done.’ She reaches out a hand to rest tentatively on my shoulder. ‘So, maybe the ring is old news?’
I sigh. ‘I don’t know. Tony and I will have to talk.’
I don’t hear what Skylar says next, because the whole time we’ve been talking, I’ve been scrolling. It’s been an endless stream of Angharad in workout wear, or pyjamas with her girlfriends, or showing off some product. There are coy little messages mixed in, all variants of ‘Why is it men find it so hard to say what they feel?’ They’re suggestive, but not out of line with Tony’s version of their relationship. But then a photo stops me dead. It’s Angharad with tiger-striped eyeshadow and a chirpy caption about how her new sweatshirt is such a generous gift and it’s arrived just in time for her fierce Halloween make-up tutorial. And she’s wearing a gold and purple zebra-striped top. My zebra-striped top.
I jerk my shoulder to get rid of Skylar’s hand. ‘I’ve got to go. Call me if something comes up, OK?’
I rush to the car, grabbing a padded envelope from the supply closet on my way. But I don’t go straight home. I stop at the lodge, let myself in and leave the re-packaged ring on the kitchen table, as if the cleaner signed for it.
No pressure, but any idea what time you’ll get here?
20.01
I won’t be coming
20.05
Something come up at work? Because I don’t care if it’s late
20.06
No
20.07
What’s happened?
20.08
I don’t reply.
Trying to do this by text is stupid. I’m coming over. OK?
20.17
There’s no need
20.18
He doesn’t respond.
There’s a knock on the door loud enough to wake Roudie. I shut him in my bedroom, I can’t face seeing his delight at Tony’s mere presence.
I stand in the doorway, my arm stretched across to the opposite side of the frame.
Tony looks at me, head to one side. ‘We’re going to do this on the doorstep, are we?’
‘I think that’s best.’
Tony shrugs. ‘Whatever works for you. But I dunno what’s got you so het up you can’t bring yourself to let me in.’ His face becomes exquisitely gentle. ‘So how’s about you have a go at telling me, beauty?’
I can’t bring myself to say anything about the ring, so I hold out my phone. He looks at the photo of Angharad. ‘What of it?’
‘If you can’t see it, this conversation is even more pointless than I thought.’
He looks at the photo more closely and doubles down on his thinking face. ‘You upset it’s the same as yours?’ His voice is questioning, and if anything, that fuels my temper.
‘Ten out of ten.’
He breathes out hard, like he’s taken a blow. ‘Cos you think I gave it her?’
I give him a nasty, closed-mouthed smile. ‘Aren’t you doing well?’
He shakes his head. ‘I swear I didn’t. The whole time she was with me, she was on at me ’bout setting up a deal with ’em. They must’ve sent it her.’
It sounds so convincing, I almost believe him. But I’ve seen the ring, so I know he’s capable of recycling a romantic gesture. At least this time, it’s one of his. ‘What a coincidence.’
‘That’s all it is, though, love.’ He takes a step towards me, dropping his chin, making sure his puppy dog eyes have maximum effect. ‘That top, I got it for you cos it’s zebra stripes for my lioness. You know that, right?’
‘Then it’s a shame I’ve no interest in being part of a pride.’
‘Genie, you’re not hearing me. It’s you I want, just you, no one else. And ’specially not her.’ He reaches out but I wrench my arm back. He sighs. ‘Look, I don’t like talking bad ’bout women I’ve been with. But if you need details, I can give you ’em. Cos honestly, she was a nightmare, start to finish. Like she was only ever interested in using my profile to boost hers. Well, that and my money, maybe. Not that I didn’t deserve it, cos I wasn’t doing nothing more than following her round too. And we’d row all the time over me not wanting to go public, and every time, she’d cheat. Then I would, just to prove I could.’
He drops a beat, waiting for me to say something. When I don’t, the words start pouring out again. ‘It wasn’t like we even liked each other much. Like you, you can really make me laugh, but God, I used to find her so fucking boring. And I know, I should’ve cut it off, soon as I felt like that. But it ended up being this stupid competition. And I knew that’s all it was, but I’d got into that mindset, you know, ’bout not backing out of a tackle. It took coming here to break me out of it. Coming here, and meeting you. It’s you that’s sorted me out, got me playing again, got me back to who I was. I promise, I’ve not spoken to her, not touched her, not been near her, since.’ He fixes his eyes on mine. ‘Please, Genie, you’ve gotta believe me, I’ve never done nothing behind your back.’
Everything about him screams that he’s telling the truth. But if he really felt that way, he’d never have bought that ring. So, all Tony’s doing is proving that off the field, he’s every bit as good a player as he is on it.
‘Except I don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’ he asks.
‘Believe you.’
‘Then how about you try listening?’ It sounds like it’s a struggle, keeping his voice soft.
‘No, Tony. You forget, I know this world. You think I’m the sort of woman who’ll help you make your targets. But I’m not the nice girl who cooks the right food, gets you up in time for training, sucks you off when you can’t sleep. The one you come home to after you’re done with whoever’s younger and prettier this week.’
He steps back sharply. ‘I dunno how you can talk like that. When all I’ve done is try and take care of you.’
‘I don’t remember asking for that.’
‘No, but you never ask for nothing, do you? Cos you don’t need no one. Cos you’re so fucking happy as you are, aren’t you? That’s why you’re measuring your portions and working out the whole time, and spending half your life slapping on make-up. Cos you’re so satisfied with what you’ve got.’ The anger drains away, as fast as it came. He puts his hand to his face. ‘Sorry, love. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said none of that.’
‘At least it’s honest,’ I say quietly.
‘Only it’s not. Not really.’
‘Except we both know it is. And Tony, that’s exactly why this doesn’t work, why me and you don’t work.’
‘I don’t understand.’
I can’t bring myself to say it’s because you don’t like me, let alone want me, you just think you should. And anyway, I don’t think it’s necessary, I’m sure he knows it already. ‘Tony, you do. So, now’s the time to go.’
He turns his head away and wipes an elbow over his eyes. ‘If you can’t trust me, maybe it is.’ He walks down the path without looking back.
This time, I’m awake before the early-morning message comes through because I haven’t slept.
Please don’t delete this before you’ve read it. I can see now, I come with a ton of baggage and that’s more weight than you can carry. I wanted to make it clear I’ll respect that, and won’t be making stuff difficult for you at the club or nothing. I wish we could ’ve worked but I hope you find a good guy who can give you the security you couldn’t get off me. Till then, if there’s anything you need, you know where I am.
06.47
I just realized that last bit sounded like I’m still looking for an in. But all I meant was we never finish sorting the stuff with your computer. If you ever don’t feel safe, I want you to know you can come to me.
06.49
The thing I hate about WhatsApp is how the sender can tell the minute you’ve read the message. There’s no chance to think before you reply. Or cry, which is what I want to do more than anything in the world. Because I love him so much, and those messages sound like he feels the same. But he proved last night he can lie to me like it’s nothing, so that doesn’t mean anything.
I settle for:
Thank you. I appreciate you being kind, but I think we both said what we needed to, and it’s best to put an end to going back and forth. If there’s anything you need from the club, I’m always happy to help.
06.52
He messages back:
You don’t have to worry. I’m done behaving like a spoilt brat anytime things don’t go my way. I plan on keeping my form up
06.54
That wasn’t what I meant
06.55
The two ticks turn blue but he doesn’t reply. I suppose I should be happy. It’s exactly what I asked for.