Chapter 35
35
Two Thursdays later
Pulling around the last sweep of the lodge’s gravel drive, my headlights catch the shine of LeMar’s silver Merc. I’m already giddy over Tony offering to host Katia’s employment anniversary dinner, but that pushes me into an-under-ten-on-Christmas-morning territory. Because Tony’s told me he’s been busy building bridges, but LeMar being here is the first evidence it’s working.
That could be just what Tony and I need. Because we’re still not actually sleeping together, unless you count me drifting off, head in Tony’s lap, while he catches up on the NBA. But goodnights have progressed to heavy breathing, back-against-the-wall kisses, and when Tony’s pressed against me, it certainly feels like he wants more. And a very effusive thank you, maybe that’s all it will take to get us there?
I’ve spent enough time at Tony’s, I don’t think he’ll care if I let myself in. But as I close the lodge’s heavy front door, Skylar comes dancing across the hall. She’s draped in a towel, still dripping from the pool. There’s no use pretending she doesn’t look gorgeous. Her summer tan is beginning to fade so her tattoos show bright against her skin. And she’s completely fit, healthy and, based on her wide-open smile, extremely happy.
I should play fair and let them know I’m here. But instead, I sink back into the darkness, knowing Skylar won’t notice me as she practically pirouettes into the kitchen, calling, ‘Tony?’
There’s a gilt-framed mirror giving a view into the kitchen. Tony’s like one of those Dutch oil paintings, the gold light picking out the movement in his face as he smiles. The chances of this being a scene I want to watch are basically zero, but I stay frozen where I am, my hand on the panelling behind me.
‘You look pleased with yourself,’ Tony says, with a laugh mixed in.
The mirror only shows Skylar’s back, but I can tell from her voice she’s grinning. ‘So I should be. I’m starting Saturday. Mo just called.’
Tony gives her one of his more serious smiles this time. ‘That’s great, love. You deserve it, the work you’ve put in.’
Skylar lets the towel drop. ‘And that you put in.’ She takes a step towards him, her arms wide, ready to embrace him.
Tony holds his hands out, keeping the distance between them.
Skylar laughs. ‘Don’t you want me to say thank you?’
Tony shakes his head. ‘Not necessary, Sky.’
‘It might be fun,’ she says, her voice softer now.
Tony’s face is grave. ‘I’m sure it would. But not the sort I’m looking for right now. And Sky, don’t be offended or nothing, but I’ve gotta say something you might not wanna hear.’
‘Go ahead, my skin’s quite thick.’ Skylar’s voice borders on sulky, and I hope he’s going to do this nicely.
‘All right then. You wanna be taken serious, right? As serious as the men.’
‘Obviously.’
‘Well then, look. I never kissed nobody for training me. And I’ve not slept with ’em neither. So maybe it’d be a good idea to have a think ’bout that?’
It says a lot for Skylar’s strength of character that her response is ‘Fair enough,’ as she rearranges her towel. Once it’s secure, she follows up with, ‘I am grateful though.’
Tony shakes his head. ‘Don’t be. I mean, I don’t mind helping out. But it’s not like I did it out of the goodness of my heart. I just thought it’d help me get in your boss’s good books, doing something for someone that matters to her.’
‘And now you think I’m a bad person, because I came on to you when you’re into Genie?’
‘Nah. I dunno as Genie’s decided she wants me yet. But till she tells me no, I’m not looking to do nothing that’ll push her in that direction. So, you’re a good-looking girl and all that, but…’ He opens his hands.
‘But I’m not Genie.’
‘Exactly. And she’s what I’m needing.’ His smile is apologetic.
Skylar laughs. ‘Not a mouthy kid with an ego as big as yours?’
‘’Fraid not. Not even a real pretty one.’
‘Probably for the best. You’d only get jealous when my stats got better than yours.’ She turns to walk out, then looks over her shoulder. ‘By the way, I can’t see Genie telling you no.’
Honestly, I do feel bad for eavesdropping, but I can’t pretend I’m sorry to have overheard. I’m not upset with Skylar, or not really anyway. It’s not like I didn’t have some warning. Every time Tony strolled into the office to collect her for a training session, she’d get weirdly hostile. You didn’t have to be a genius to guess at the start of a crush. And Sky’s still at the age where other people’s boyfriends, or more realistically, other people’s possible future boyfriends, are fair game. Plus, Tony’s basically irresistible, so I’m at most mildly annoyed. And it’s lovely, seeing Tony taking care to turn her down so gently.
All the same, I decide this is the moment for me to appear. I sneak back to ease the front door open, then slam it behind me, calling, ‘Tony, do you mind? I let myself in.’
He comes out of the kitchen beaming. Skylar’s a step or two behind, looking, for her, ever so slightly sheepish.
‘Genie, love, you made it.’ He hugs me then holds me away from him. ‘Hard day?’
‘Not particularly, just long.’
Tony looks like he’s about to joke but then he looks at Skylar, fidgeting like a toddler anxious to show her latest fingerpainting masterpiece, and asks, ‘You wanna tell Genie?’
‘Tell me what?’
‘I’m back in the team.’
I smile at her, and hope it looks adequately spontaneous. ‘Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m so pleased. I’d hug you instead, but you’re all damp, and Tony’s nice and dry.’
Skylar laughs. ‘And nice and toney?’
I laugh back but it’s Tony I’m staring up at as I stroke the hard muscle of his arm through the long-sleeved black t-shirt. ‘Yes, and nice and Tony.’
He looks borderline embarrassed. It’s one of his more charming expressions, not least because he doesn’t use it often. ‘Food will be about ten, fifteen minutes. So, Sky, you go change and tell Katia and LeMar to do the same, all right?’
She drifts off towards the pool as Tony and I walk into the kitchen, his arm still around me. I lean back against the work surface, watching as Tony pours a glass of red.
He hands it across, letting his fingers touch mine. ‘Sounds like you deserve this, from what Katia was saying.’
I shake my head. ‘It wasn’t that big a problem to unpick.’ That’s not quite true. But we should be doing this at mine. Tony only offered to host because I got trapped at work, figuring out why my quarterly accounts had suddenly stopped adding up. And I don’t want him thinking about that. I need Tony thoroughly relaxed, not worrying that the troublemaker’s back. God knows, it makes me tense enough that I reach round to rub my shoulders.
‘You achy, love?’ Tony asks.
‘A bit. It’s hunching over the computer all day.’
‘Do you want me to do something about it?’ Tony asks, and there’s an endearing touch of hesitancy.
I make sure the eye contact is direct when I nod, trying to show this won’t be a repeat of the night he found me in the hot tub. ‘Yes, please.’
His smile is extra broad. ‘Bring your wine, then.’
I take his hand, but walk behind him. He looks back over his shoulder. ‘We’ll do this in the living room. It’s not as good as using a bed, but I don’t want the kids getting the wrong idea, OK?’
I smile and nod.
He pushes open the door to the sitting room, but it’s me who shuts it.
‘You wearing a bra that’ll give you a bit of coverage, or do you want me to get you a towel?’
I’m not remotely worried about it, it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. ‘The bra’s fine.’
I stay facing him as I unbutton my shirt, taking my time, letting the silk slip between my fingers. Tony stares, his eyes fixed on me even as he slumps down onto the sofa. I’m just about to shrug the blouse to the floor when he stands up. ‘You know what? This isn’t a good idea.’
His voice is ice-bath cold and even before he’s finished saying it, he’s walking out. And it’s like I’ve run into a glass door, the shock hitting before the pain.
Dinner’s torture. As soon as I decently can, I begin making noises about it having been a long day.
The others try to get me to stay, apart from Tony, who’s straight on his feet. ‘I’ll drive you.’
So, no nice romantic stroll home then. I guess whatever he has to say can’t be going to take long. All the same, I’m not sure I’m ready to hear it. And I point out my car is here, that being the perfect excuse to get out of it, for now, anyway.
‘You’ve had a drink.’
‘One glass. It’ll be fine.’
‘I’ll drive you,’ he says firmly.
I look at him, trying to decide what he’s thinking and failing miserably. ‘OK, you drive.’
We walk out together, but Tony doesn’t use the cold night air as an excuse to cuddle. Instead, he heads to the driver’s door of my car, hand stretched behind him for the keys. And he forces the car into gear, roaring off before my seatbelt is even done up. We don’t talk, until we’re almost at the cottage, when I can’t bear it any more. Even though I know it sounds pathetic, I ask, ‘Did I do something wrong?’
He still doesn’t look at me. ‘Worried you’ve overplayed your hand, love?’
‘I wasn’t playing.’
Tony pulls onto the verge outside my house and turns the engine off.
‘You sure about that?’ His voice is granite hard.
‘Very,’ comes out too small to sound confident, but I think we’ve reached the point where that doesn’t matter. I mutter something about it being all right and reach for the door handle. Tony slumps forward, head against his hands on the steering wheel. ‘Give me a sec, Genie.’
I’m not sure if that means go or stay. I freeze, hand still halfway to the door. There’s a minute or two of silence, then Tony clenches his fist.
‘Fuck it.’ His voice is quiet. He turns his head sideways, cheek on his hand, eyes on me. ‘I can’t win, can I?’
‘What do you mean?’
He sits up sharply, running his fingers through his hair. ‘Cos you’re like leading me on, but the minute I go near you, you run a mile. Isn’t that right?’
I pull my hand into my lap, shrinking back in my seat at the harshness of his voice. ‘No. I was trying to show you, I’m ready.’ I push at my hair, trying to hide the hurt on my face. ‘I understand why you might not believe that, after how I behaved before. But trust me, it’s not one way, Tony.’
He shuts his eyes, then looks back at me. His gaze is softer, even if his mouth is still tense. ‘Sorry, I’m not having a go. What I’m trying to say, it’s coming out wrong. But, you know what I said, ’bout making a break?’
‘When you first arrived, yes.’ I try to sound bright, like it isn’t obvious he’s missing everything he left behind.
‘A big part of that was breaking from my ex.’
‘Angharad?’
He looks surprised, or maybe caught out. ‘You know ’bout that?’
I try to maintain unbothered. ‘Umm. I mean, I know you kept it out of the papers, but this is a small world, isn’t it? There are always rumours.’
‘I guess. But they don’t always cover the full extent of what’s gone on.’
‘No, probably never the full extent.’
He nods. ‘Yeah, like with Angharad, I got in properly over my head, you know?’
‘I didn’t, but tell me.’ I go to touch his knee, but he pulls away.
‘Leave it, can you, Genie?’
‘Sorry.’
‘I can’t go through all this with you like that.’
‘OK.’
He stares straight ahead. ‘So, Angharad, she’s probably the best-looking woman I’ve ever seen, on the surface.’ I want to crawl away, but if Tony realizes I don’t want to hear this, it doesn’t show. ‘And she’s a good bit younger than me.’
I nod, which he probably can’t see.
‘At the age where she’s starting to enjoy having a bit of power. Wanting to find out what her looks get her, you know?’
I make a non-committal noise. If he still loves her, he can criticize but I can’t.
‘And I should have enough mileage on me not to have got drawn into that. But I couldn’t resist her. Like I’d know she was pulling my strings, but I’d go for it every time. And that was playing into the fitness issues, the discipline issues. She couldn’t get enough of that. Of knowing I was throwing everything away. Cos it was proof I’d do anything for her, I guess.’
‘And tonight, you realized you still feel that way about her?’ I ask, my voice over-controlled.
He does look at me now. ‘No, Christ, no. It was that I felt for a minute, watching you, like you was doing the same. Playing with me, seeing how far you can push.’
‘Oh, Tony, no.’
‘So, what was that then? If it weren’t you testing me out?’
I look out of the window at the darkness for a minute, then back at him.
‘I was playing. But not like you mean. One of the things I like about you is how you can make me feel desirable, when I don’t feel that way very often.’
He starts to say something, but I shake my head. ‘No, I’m not fishing for compliments. What I’m saying is, yes, I was letting myself tease you, just a little. And I was enjoying it, and sort of thinking, maybe tonight, we’d end up in bed and everything would start properly. But not so I could hurt you, not to see what I could get from you. Just because it’s part of it, isn’t it? The teasing, the playfulness. Part of lust or desire, or however you want to put it.’ I have to look away for a second, so he doesn’t see the start of a tear. ‘And we’re good at that, me and you. Or we are when it doesn’t count. But any time there’s a hint of things going anywhere, it stops. And I can see now, it’s not me who isn’t ready, it’s you.’ This time when I reach for his knee, he doesn’t pull away. ‘And Tony, that’s OK. All you’ll need to get back to that is time. But I’m not the right person to help you get there.’
‘I need you.’
‘But you don’t want me, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.’ I shift my hand from his knee to take his fingers, and squeeze gently.
‘You really think that?’
‘Umm, I’m afraid so.’
‘Then I’m no use to you, am I?’ His voice is flat and he’s still not looking at me. ‘Cos you’d had as much rejection as you could take, hadn’t you? Before I ever showed up.’
I nod. ‘And that means I can’t be the one who pulls you back in. It’s no one’s fault, no one’s to blame. But there’s no point pretending this is going to work.’
He starts to say something but I don’t think I can hold it together much longer. ‘No, Tony, let’s leave it, shall we?’
‘For now, or for permanent?’
‘Permanent, I think.’ I lean over, kiss his cheek lightly, take the keys from the ignition and get out of the car. It’s not until I close the front door that I hear the driver’s door slam shut. I sink onto the cold tiles in the hall. Rouden comes to lick my face dry. Tears freak him out.