Chapter 5 #4
“No. I’m putting it on record right now, Al. You’re not the boss. The only time you’re allowed to tell Aidan what to do is if his life is threatened. For work purposes, I mean. I don’t care what you get up to in the bedroom.”
“This is all your fault,” I accuse gloomily.
“ My fault? How is it my fault?” He pauses. “What’s my fault?”
I wave an arm at the array of milk before me, forgetting for a second that Sam can’t see me.
“This whole thing about me wanting Aidan! It was easier when I thought I just didn’t like him, that I was angry with him, but no, you had to come along and tell me I had a crush, didn’t you.
And now I’m turned on around him and need to make decisions . ”
A few disjointed sounds come down the line, as if Sam’s starting to say something and then stopping.
“Al, sometimes I really wonder how your brain works.”
I gasp, freezing with a carton of milk in my hand. How could my bestest bestie say such a thing?
“For starters, if you’re only turned on around him because I said you might have a crush, then you don’t have a crush and you’re not actually turned on around him.”
I start to reply, but he says, “No, don’t talk. I’m talking. When you talk, you say stupid things.”
I close my mouth and pout, glaring at the cheeses before me. I need to grab some of those before I go.
“So you need to think about that. Were you sexually attracted to Aidan before or not? If not, we need to discuss how suggestible you are. If you were… well, yeah, you probably have a crush, and you need to either live with it or act on it.” He sounds totally exasperated, which is not unusual.
“And you make decisions all the time. It’s not that hard. ”
I huff a huge sigh.
“Don’t be all dramatic and mopey,” Sam chides. “You know I love you. I’m saying this stuff with all the love in my heart.”
“I don’t say stupid things,” I tell him, my tone injured.
“You totally do,” he counters. “All the time. You say some really deep and intelligent things too, though.”
“Because I have depths. Intelligent depths. I am a man of mystery and intrigue.”
“Yeah, okay. Whatever you say.”
“What do I do now?” It comes out a lot more plaintive than I intended, and Sam sighs.
“I can’t tell you that, Alistair. You need to think it over and make your own decision.
But… from the perspective of someone who works with his boyfriend, I think at our level, it’s not that big an issue.
And you don’t work directly with Aidan anyway—it’s just this one assignment that will hopefully be short-term.
Then he’ll go back to Ireland or wherever it is he lives right now, and you’ll hardly see him. ”
I lean on the cart and keep staring into the dairy case, acknowledging that the pang I feel at the thought of Aidan leaving the country is a good indication that I have a crush. “What about the fact that he’s species leader?”
Sam hesitates. “That’s tougher,” he admits.
“Although I’m probably not the person to talk to about that.
I feel the connection with Aidan through the magic, and fuck knows I’ve felt what his influence over me can do, but I wasn’t brought up as a shifter or even as part of the community.
I don’t feel that societal reverence for our leaders that you do—for me, the respect is a direct result of being in their presence and feeling the magic-influenced bond. ”
“It’s not reverence,” I protest. “We don’t worship them or anything.”
“No, but there’s an automatic level of respect because the magic chose them.
As someone who grew up not knowing the magic even existed, before I met Aidan, I didn’t feel respect for him because he was species leader.
I knew who he was and that he’d been invested by magic, but that was abstract for me.
I met him before my first shift, and he was…
not just any guy, because I did know he was the species leader, but there wasn’t an automatic reflex to show him respect.
That changed a little after I shifted, because of the bond, but I still feel like you have a different attitude toward his rank than I do. ”
My first instinct is to deny it, but he’s probably right. When you grow up being taught to defer to someone—or in the case of the magic, some thing —it becomes an ingrained habit.
“The issue,” Sam continues, “is twofold.”
“Twofold, huh?” I clear my throat so I don’t laugh.
“Yes, asshole. Twofold. The first part—”
“Don’t you mean the first fold?”
“I could hang up right now, you know. There are plenty of things I’d rather be doing than counseling you on your sex life.”
“Like what?” I straighten and reach for some cheese. Omelets for breakfast might be nice. I’ll need eggs too.
“Like enjoying my own sex life, for one. Or sleeping, because I don’t know if you remember this, but you’re in a different time zone right now.”
Fuck, I had forgotten that. It explains why I’m tired, though.
“I’m sorry I picked on your word choice. Please don’t abandon me in this, my time of darkest need,” I plead.
“ This is your time of darkest need? What the fuck kind of charmed life have you been living?”
I grab two cartons of eggs. “Well, my life has been rather amazing. People just love me, and that adoration has smoothed the way somewhat.”
“Adoration. Sure. Uh… what were we even talking about?”
“You were telling me the twofold issue.” I look at the contents of the cart and then steer toward the butcher section. We need bacon. And sausage.
“Right. So, the first part is that if you enter into a sexual relationship with your species leader, you might feel pressured to defer to him within that relationship.”
“Is that a fancy way of saying I wouldn’t say no?” I study the array of bacon packages and select a few jumbo family-size ones.
“It’s a bit more complex than that, but basically, yes.”
“I don’t think that would be a problem. I stole the master bedroom out from under him today and also told him that if the situation becomes unsafe, I’m in charge.
” I think I’m done with the groceries, but I decide to take the longer route to the checkout and scope out anything I might have missed.
“Plus, I work with Percy, remember? I’ve never had an issue speaking up when I think it’s warranted, and arguably I should have more… reverence, to use your word, for him.”
“True,” Sam concedes. “Okay, well, the second part is trickier.”
“Oh?” Should I grab a few packets of cookies? They’re not breakfast food, but they’d make a good midnight snack. Screw it. I toss an assortment of packages into the now almost overflowing cart.
“Yeah. Your species leader has the ability to compel you. How do you feel about having a physical relationship with someone who could potentially influence your will?”
I stop the cart in the middle of the aisle. Well, fuck. I hadn’t even thought of that. Which is stupid, because the whole “I’m angry with Aidan” thing was over him compelling Sam’s shift.
“Alistair? You still there?”
“Yeah. I’m thinking.”
“I have an opinion on this, but I’m not going to share it until you tell me how you feel about it.”
“Wow, thanks.” I give myself a minute to actually consider it properly, and I’m surprised to find a deep, unshakeable conviction that Aidan would never do anything like that.
He’d never use his status and abilities as species leader against me—anyone—in a personal relationship.
In fact, I don’t think he’d use his status and abilities as species leader in any situation that didn’t require it.
Which makes it even more apparent that I’ve had a crush on him all along and was just seizing on any excuse to explain away the surge of hormones and feelings.
Ugh. I hate when my subconscious does weird things.
“I think,” I say finally, “that Aidan is more trustworthy than that.”
I hear Sam’s smile as he says, “Yeah. I think so too.”
“I’m a dumb shit, aren’t I?” How fucking depressing.
My bestest bestie laughs in my ear. “Not completely. You just get distracted sometimes. And since I’ve known you, it’s only ever been about sex. Bringing feelings into it might have thrown you off.”
“Feelings. Ugh. No, there are no feelings. It’s still just sex.”
Someone behind me gasps, and I roll my eyes. Not this shit again. I turn around and see a teenage girl staring at me, blushing furiously.
Oops.
“Sorry,” I offer. “Uh… you should only have sex when you really like someone and you’re ready. And always use a condom.”
Her face goes even redder.
“Alistair, if you’re talking to a kid, get away from them right now ,” Sam demands, and I think he might be right this time. I give the girl a weird, jerky wave, then grab my cart and race away.
“What’s a teenager doing at the grocery store at this time of night?” I hiss at Sam, and he groans.
“Just… check out and leave. Do not make eye contact with anyone. I don’t want to have to arrange to bail you out of jail from across the country.”
“I’ve done nothing wrong,” I protest. “She’s the one who was eavesdropping on a private conversation!
” I hesitate as I approach the row of checkouts.
I usually like to have a cashier check me out, because it’s nice to talk to people and learn about their lives, right?
But I think tonight it might be better to use the self-checkout.
I steer in that direction as Sam says, “No more using the words sex, or come, or porn, or any variation on that theme while you’re in a public place. Use a substitute word instead.”
“Like what?” I begin scanning my items. Since nobody’s close enough to see, I go a little faster than a human could.
“I don’t know… what about… lamp.”
Clearly he’s getting inspiration from his living room décor.
“Do you really think me saying ‘I want to lamp him all night long’ is better, Sam?” I ask dryly. “Or ‘I want to lamp in his hair’?”
“Fuck my life,” he mutters. “How did this happen to me?”