Chapter 5 #5
“You love it,” I assure him. “You wouldn’t be able to cope if I wasn’t around. Our friendship bond is deep and enduring and—”
“You’re right,” he interrupts. “I couldn’t live without you. So… should I be singing juvenile kissing songs about you and Aidan?”
I dump an item into a bag and sigh. “No. Although those songs are awesome. But there’s nothing to sing about.
I want to—” I glance around, turning in a circle just in case.
There’s nobody nearby, but I’m not willing to take the risk.
“I want to lamp Aidan, but there are no feelings involved. I don’t get feelings. ”
“It’s not like the flu, Alistair.” Sam sounds exasperated again. “You can’t build up an immunity. Besides, you have feelings all the time. You share them with us very vocally.”
“But those aren’t romantic relationship feelings,” I reply, not paying as much attention as I should as I tap my credit card and punch in the PIN. Sam’s silence is what makes me realize I might have given too much away.
When he finally speaks, his voice is hesitant. “Al, you don’t have to answer this, but are you aromantic?”
For a second, I’m tempted to say yes. It would make him drop the subject. On the other hand, he’d also immediately start researching so he could offer support if I ever need it. And it feels gross to identify as something I know I’m not just to avoid a conversation.
I sigh again. “No, I’m not. I’ve had romantic relationships—well, a romantic relationship.
A long time ago. That’s how I know I don’t want one.
” I gather my purchases and make my way out to the car while he thinks about that.
Thank fuck—once I’m safely inside, I can say whatever I want without having to be paranoid about repressed locals and schoolchildren listening in.
“Wait,” Sam says slowly in my ear as I load the groceries into the car. “Are you saying that you avoid having feelings, as you put it, because you had a relationship that ended badly?”
I hate remembering this. Hate it. “It didn’t just end badly,” I tell him, getting into the driver seat and starting the engine. “It was catastrophic. He burned my house down.”
Silence again. I back out of the parking space and turn the car toward my temporary home.
“What?” Sam breathes. “Did you just say… he burned your house down?”
“Yes.”
Another moment of silence. I can’t remember the last time Sam was shocked into being quiet.
“I think you need to tell me the whole story.”
“There’s not much to tell. I was young and stupid. I had feelings. He said he did too. I thought it would be a ‘together forever’ thing, so I told him I was a hellhound. He—”
“Wait, you told him? He was human?”
“Yes. Then he freaked out, called me a demon—even though I tried to explain the difference—and said he never wanted to see me again. Later that night, after I’d cried myself to sleep with my stupid feelings, he came back and set my house on fire.
I woke up when I smelled the smoke. Then there was a big drama because he told everyone in the village that I was a demon from hell. ”
“And they believed him?” he asks incredulously. “Fuck me, you were in the house when he set it on fire ?”
I sniff. “Yes, I was in the house. And no, of course they didn’t believe him. I was trying to fit in at the time and had been attending religious services every week in the local church. The vicar attested that I wasn’t a demon… although there were some very pointed comments about sodomy.”
“When was this?”
I think about it. “I was twenty-two, twenty-three… so 1867, maybe.”
He clears his throat. “Okay, so I’ll grant you that it must have been very painful and hurtful to have the person you loved and wanted to spend your life with be unable to accept you and then try to burn you alive.”
“Thank you. It’s something you never really get over.”
“I can imagine… although honestly, I don’t think it happens to too many people. But I’m not sure that this decision to avoid romantic feelings for the rest of your very long life is the right way to go.”
I frown. He’s not going to support me? What’s the point of having a bestest bestie if he’s not going to support me when I boycott romantic relationships? “What do you mean?”
“Well… there are some other factors I’d like to consider. Was he your first relationship? Were you his? How long had you been together? Were you living together? Had you met each other’s families?”
I pull up outside the condo complex but don’t turn in.
I don’t want to risk Aidan hearing any of this conversation.
“He was the first—the only—person I’d ever loved that way.
” I can’t believe he’s making me dredge up these memories.
Who knew Sam was such a sadist? “And he’d never been with a man before me.
We’d been together for—” I squint while I think about it.
The first time I kissed him was in the spring…
“—about five months. He still lived in his family home in the village, and I knew his family but not as his beau. They weren’t open to that idea.
He wanted to ease them into it. And I wanted to take him to meet my family, but first I needed to tell him about not being human, and he didn’t take that well. ”
“That’s an understatement. Okay… well, you were very young, and you weren’t together that long.
While people often meet their forever love at a young age, it’s also just as likely that this was a relationship that might have run its course…
maybe due to incompatibilities. If he basically came out for you and knew it was something his family weren’t likely to be accepting of, he might have been already struggling when you told him.
And it was a different time, Al. He was a young human without any exposure to the kind of pop culture we have now, living in a place where you fit in by going to church.
A man who could change into something else would probably have been a lot to take, and if he was already conflicted… .”
I rub my chest where it’s started to ache. “So what you’re saying is that the relationship that affected me so strongly I still can’t bear to put myself through something like that again was likely just going to end anyway because the man I loved didn’t really love me back?”
“No!” His shout reverberates through my head, and I consider pulling the earpiece out and switching to the handset.
“No, I’m not saying that. But even if that was true, it doesn’t mean your pain is any less valid.
First love is something special, and when it ends, even under the best circumstances, it’s sad.
Under these circumstances, it would have been devastating.
But Al… weren’t there some good things about it?
Do you really want to shut yourself off from ever having a loving partner just because you don’t want to feel pain? ”
I take a deep breath. “I’ve gotta go, Sam. Talk to you tomorrow.”
He makes a frustrated noise, then says, “Sure. Okay. Just… think about it. Love can hurt, but it’s mostly worth it. And if you do end up with your heart broken, that’s what your bestest bestie is for, right?”
“Right. But it’s just sex with Aidan. Or it will be if we get that far. Bye.”
“Good night, Alistair.”
I end the call and wish I’d just kept my damn mouth shut. When I left the grocery store, I was thinking about asking Aidan if he was interested in some no-strings stress release, aka fucking like bunnies. Now, I just want to crawl into a dark hole so I can relive my pain in private.
By the time I have the car parked in the garage and am unloading the groceries, a plan has formed.
I’m going to take some of the leftovers from dinner and a couple packages of Pop-Tarts and go up to my room to wallow in my miserable memories.
Hopefully, I can wallow myself to sleep and will be over it by morning.
Aidan’s still at the counter with his laptop when I let myself into the kitchen. He’s frowning at the screen in a way that forms the cutest little furrow between his brows.
No! Bad feelings! Bad! Stop that.
“You took longer than I thought,” he says absently as I start putting things away.
“Yeah, Sam called, and then there was this guy who eavesdropped on our conversation and got offended by something I said. It turned into a thing.” I sling the last of the milk into the fridge and close the door.
“Do I need to be worried?” He looks up from the screen, the furrow replaced by an expression of full-blown concern.
“Nah, it’s all good.”
He looks at me for a long moment as I stack boxes in a cupboard. I can feel his gaze on me.
“Sam called? Was there a problem?”
“It wasn’t a work thing. He and I are friends.”
Aidan snorts, a tiny smile appearing on his lush mouth just as I turn. “I remember. Good friends, if I recall correctly.”
Internally, I cringe. Maybe this could have been a moment of truth if Sam and I hadn’t just been talking about my heartbreak, but right now, I don’t have the energy to flirt.
Wow. That’s sad.
Still, he deserves some kind of response, so I meet his gaze and say, “He’s my best friend. I know I gave you a hard time that day, but… he’s my best friend.”
The smile widens. It’s really not fair that I’m so attracted to him. Objectively, he’s not that good-looking, but that smile is just lickable.
“You were fine. It was good to know that Sam had people in his corner.” He hesitates. “Since then, it’s seemed a little like you were… maybe holding a grudge?”
I shrug and turn away to grab the Pop-Tarts. “I like to sulk sometimes,” I admit. “I’m over it now.” Then, before he can ask anything else, I add, “Do you need me for anything? I thought I’d head up for the night.”
“That’s fine. I’m almost done here, then I’ll be coming up myself.” He grins. “But you’ve got plenty of time to use the bathroom first.”
Whoops. I’ve been busted. Do I apologize? Act like nothing’s happened?