Chapter 59
Zioh
Two weeks later, the unease had grown heavier.
I remembered the message Tsabinu sent me a week ago. He was furious and warned me to stay away from his sister.
Had Tshabina finally told him everything about us?
Or was his rage simply because she’d been staying with me these past weeks?
Did she speak with him this time?
And yet… for the past week, Tshabina had still been reaching out to me as if nothing had changed.
We no longer saw each other in the office, but she came to my penthouse almost every day.
Last night, she even stayed here, and she slipped away in the early hours—always leaving before my therapy session began or Ladie arrived.
But the longer this went on, the more it exhausted everything within me. Because the dreams didn’t stop—if anything, they grew sharper, more real.
They whispered to me, taunted me, and threatened me. They told me that what happened that night hadn’t been a hallucination or some fleeting nightmare, no matter what Tshabina insisted.
They told me I had actually lunged at her. I had gripped her throat, and I had said those words.
Not just to Cindy or that woman, but also to Tshabina herself.
Each time panic hit, Tshabina would soothe me, pressing the pills into my hand, urging me to swallow them down.
But it never worked for long, because relief was only ever temporary.
I felt trapped in a labyrinth, forced to escape without finding my way out.
I wanted to bash my head into the wall when I remembered how often my sick brain manipulated me, deceived me, poisoned me—how it had made me, these past months, hurt Tshabina again and again.
And yet, Tshabina was still here. She was beside me, always assuring me everything was going to be okay.
Can’t you tell the difference between what’s real and what isn’t, Zioh?
“Shut up.”
You’re crazy. *laughter*
I shook my head as they kept laughing. “SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU!” The scream tore from me, weak and ragged. The voices worsened. The medication barely touched it anymore. Why? Why wasn’t it working?
My voice cracked, trembling. “Shut up… please…”
The day before, I lost my hold again. Another episode. And there, in that suffocating haze… she appeared
The one I wasn’t supposed to see.
That night in the nightmare, I had strangled her, and the day before… I strangled her again.
Heart racing, I stumbled to the nightstand, yanked open the drawer, and grabbed the bottles Tshabina had arranged for me. With one gulp, I swallowed a mouthful of pills, desperate for calm, forcing air back into my lungs. I waited. One minute. Five minutes. No change. Shit.
I moved to the walk-in closet, grabbed my suitcase, and opened it.
I let out a long breath, my lips curving into a smile the moment I found the glass jar. I picked it up, staring at the colourful slips of paper inside—now crumpled, their star shapes no longer as neat as they had been the first time Tshabina gave them to me.
This was my seventeenth birthday gift from her.
I closed my eyes.
I don’t know if you feel the same way, but you really have superpowers, Zi. Do you know that I never doubt, fear, or worry when you’re around? And I promise for Yellow and Bubble in heaven: I’ll give you that same feeling, too, Zioh! Yellow. 52.
All at once, everything went quiet, and a familiar warmth swept over my body. “I already felt the same way, baby. From the moment my eyes landed on you for the first time.”
I hoped Tshabina knew how I wanted to thank her for this treasure.
The sentences folded into these little stars had kept me company every single day for the past ten years.
When the voices grew too loud, when my chest felt too tight, when my head felt it’d burst, or…
When I stood on that cliff that day, I would repeat her notes.
And I knew I wasn’t alone. There was still a reason for me to survive.
Her notes were like a string holding me in place whenever the storm winds hit.
I loved all of them, but if I had to choose, there were three that meant the most to me.
The time I love the most is the time we spend together, so let’s always stay together forever, Zioh. Red papers. The notes I had opened on Day 80.
Then—
Zioh, do you know? The time I look forward to most every long night is the moment the sun comes back, because that means I’ll see you again. You are so precious, Zioh. I hope you always realise that. Blue papers. The notes I had opened on Day 137.
And lastly, my favourite of them all.
I love you, Zioh. Pink papers. The notes I had opened on Day 365.
I wanted to let her know how much I owed her for that gift, but it seemed Tshabina no longer remembered any of it. When I brought up the 00:00 notes—the ones I had opened on Day 276—she just looked at me as if they meant nothing to her. It was as if she didn’t remember at all.
But it was okay. I planned to spend the rest of my life paying her back.
Then there was Aditya’s return. I didn’t like his return, because it meant my time with Tshabina grew even shorter.
Even though she’d still come to this penthouse after work as usual, we spent the whole day together, she stayed the night, I cooked her favourite meals, and we ate side by side.
It never felt enough, as if the emptiness inside me was never filled.
What was wrong?
I couldn’t feel her.
It was as if she were here, but not really. Present, yet absent.
The ping of my phone cut through the noise in my head, and warmth flickered across my face as I read the screen.
At first, I stared for a long while, trying to make sense of the words.
Oh, it’s her.
I shook my head again, firmer this time, trying to scatter the voices clawing at me. “I said, shut the fuck up.”
Sophie: Good morning, handsome. So… are we still going to the park today?
Zioh: Morning, baby. Shall I pick you up?
Sophie: No need, let’s meet there, okay?
My brow furrowed.
Zioh: Why? Is Tsabinu still angry? I can talk to him, Tshabina.
Sophie: Don’t worry about him. He’ll come around.
I stared at the message, frowning.
Odd, Tshabina was never this casual when it came to her brother. She cared deeply about him and always tried to reason with him and reassure him. But now…?
I exhaled, shook the noise from my ears, and blinked until I could focus again. A smile tugged at my lips as I got up and headed towards the bathroom to get ready. Then I stopped, remembered something, and quickly typed.
Zioh: I’m cooking. Fancy having breakfast with me first?
Sophie: Didn’t you say you’ve got therapy this morning?
Zioh: Yeah, Ladie will be here soon. Would you like to join us for breakfast? We could even ask Ladie to join.
Sophie: No need, Zi. Let’s just meet at the park.
I stared at the screen a while longer.
Zioh: Alright. Take care, baby, I mean it.
Again, I lingered over the words, reading them deeper than I should.
Strange. She used to be the one desperate to know everything about me, about the illness, therapy.
I had thought she’d be glad to meet Ladie, remembering how devastated she’d been when I told her I was sick.
That was why I forced myself to let her see more and told her that my therapist was here, even when it was hard.
Shaking my head again, I pushed towards the bathroom, and another notification buzzed.
Dave: Sir, should I check in on Miss Sophia again? I can closely monitor her now that Mr Bakti has returned and Cindy’s around. Unless you’d prefer, I will only watch at the office while you’re away.
He was right, of course. But outside the office, I spent nearly every hour with her.
Zioh: While I’m away, does she seem alright?
Dave: No, sir. At the office, Miss Sophia grew quiet, often lost in contemplation. This is why I thought I should see her outside the office, too?
As I feared, something was wrong. Had she and Tsabinu had a row this time?
Zioh: No need. She always comes here after work.
Dave: But, sir, Miss Sophia always goes home.
Zioh: Yes, but after that, she comes here. I pick her up from the cafe near her house myself.
Zioh: Keep an eye on her while she’s at the office, find out if anything’s troubling her, or if she is headed here when I don’t pick her up. After that, don’t worry, she spends most of her time here anyway, and often stays the night.
? ── * ── ?
Three weeks later, things felt calmer. At least, it should have.
Therapy had become routine. My steps felt easier than before. The fog in my head thinned, especially with how close Tshabina and I had grown these past weeks. But… still, unease pricked me whenever Dave reported back from the office.
I’d wanted to ease Tshabina’s despair by speaking to Tsabinu, but she brushed it off whenever I brought up her brother.
So I waited for her to trust me enough to meet him.
The whole world can doubt you, Zioh. But I will never. Not today. Not tomorrow. NEVER. Purple. 73.
Our days kept moving, becoming almost a routine. After work, Tshabina came to this penthouse, and we spent the day together.
But something was strange. Her scent was different. I told myself it was a different perfume, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. Tshabina had her own scent—carnations, forever etched into my memory, but I couldn’t smell it anymore.
Also, I didn’t see the colour anymore. No… I didn’t even feel it.
For the past few weeks, Tshabina had felt black-and-white. The colour she had radiated had vanished. Her smiles, laughter, jokes, hugs, kisses, warmth, heartbeat, voice, and embrace all felt dim.
It shouldn’t be like this.
I never felt hollow when I was with Tshabina, or even just looking at her.
My thoughts broke when the beeps of the code being entered at my door. A soft smile curved on my lips, and I strolled forward.
My woman.
She ran toward me, and I caught her in my arms as she leapt. “Hey…” I greeted her, a little laugh escaping my mouth.