Chapter 59 #2
I loved this change in Tshabina—it felt like being back to when we were children and teenagers. I could see my little Sophie again. Especially since the day I set foot back in Indonesia, when Tshabina kept drawing lines.
But whatever version she was, I’d always love her as long as she was my Sophie.
My smile lingered as I leaned back to see her face clearly. “Hey baby… I miss you,” I said, tucking strands of her long black hair behind her ear.
Tshabina smiled, her eyes sparkling as she looked at me. “I miss you too, handsome…”
Hey, it’s Tshabina. Or… her.
I shook my head as the voices returned to gnaw at me. But then Tshabina cupped my jaw, her warm hands against my neck, making my heartbeat race, and she leaned in to press her lips to mine.
Her soft lips sent a rush of warmth through my body. “I want you tonight,” Tshabina whispered, full of desire. “I always want you, Zioh.” She moaned as she bit my lips.
I closed my eyes, answering her warm, sweet kiss. When our tongues met, I couldn’t stop a small laugh, especially when she moaned as I bit her lower lip hard enough to draw a helpless whimper from her. And then we stayed locked in that sweet kiss until she pushed me, guiding me into my bedroom.
? ── * ── ?
Weeks had passed, and Tshabina began staying at this penthouse regularly, so I made sure she had a walk-in closet of her own, filled with clothes and everything she possibly needed.
I also kept the fridge stocked with wagyu and spices, because I always cooked for her as I’d promised.
But then I learned something new: my little Sophie liked wearing these clothes too.
I was a little surprised when Tshabina slipped mini-dresses and short skirts into the wardrobe, but thinking she’d like them, I asked Natasha to buy more. Even though a sense of unease would sometimes rise within me because this way of dressing reminded me of someone.
This evening, I busied myself setting out snacks on the coffee table. Tonight, after more than a month of the same routine, Tshabina and I decided to watch something together.
Tshabina came out of my room shortly after, wearing a sweater and hot pants, and I couldn’t stop the soft smile tugging at my lips. I patted the seat beside me, where I’d carefully arranged pillows on the sofa for her.
She quickly settled next to me, laying her head on my shoulder, and I kissed the crown of her head. My hand gently wrapped her shoulder.
Tshabina grabbed the remote from the table, flipping through films—left, right, up, down. Her brows furrowed in mild annoyance. “Huh… what should we watch?” she muttered with a bit of a pout. Cute. Too damn cute. I couldn’t resist kissing her cheek—
Wait…
My eyes lingered on her face. This soft cheek had been plump. Now… they had thinned so drastically.
I shook my head, stroking her hair. “Alright then, how about Harry Potter?” I offered as I smiled at her. “And this time we’ll make it 2—”
“Harry Potter? No way, it’s boring and unrealistic,” she said with a flat tone. “We should be watching a romance film in times like these, Zioh.”
I fell silent at her words.
Not just that—
My body went rigid all at once. I couldn’t process what was happening—
I slowly loosened my grip on Tshabina’s shoulder and my gaze anchored on the girl beside me as she focused on the TV.
My lungs tightened.
A dark suspicion rose in my broken mind. I went rigid as I stared straight ahead at the woman beside me.
Tshabina loved this film, Harry Potter.
She could narrate every line of it, she knew every character name, even copying their facial expressions and accents. She would never stop, and she wouldn’t refuse an invitation to watch J.K. Rowling’s films. Tshabina would never—
Never.
My stomach churned, cold flared under my skin, creeping in with dizziness and nausea, and those damn voices started singing in my ears again.
We told you, Zioh, you’re too crazy to dream of a normal life… let alone be happy.
Standing up, I tried to keep my voice from shaking. “I-I’m going to the loo for a bit,” I said, hurrying into my bedroom.
I lunged for the nightstand beside my bed, grabbing some pills from there.
I opened the lid wide, but as I stared at the pills, panic returned, gripping me.
Then I quickly put them back and went to the walk-in closet.
I tore open my suitcase and took out the box filled with new pills.
I opened them and poured everything into my mouth, forcing myself to swallow them all at once.
A ringing throb in my ears mixed with the cacophony of other noises. I clutched the wardrobe beside me to keep my balance as my body went weak, lifeless. I shut my eyes, trying to find calm, some shred of sanity I couldn’t feel. My breathing grew shallow.
I struck my head again and again.
The one who had arranged those pills was Tshabina.
“Baby… I don’t want to worry or suspect you the way I do with others—but I’m sorry, I need to make sure.”
Then I opened my eyes again, staggering, and returned to the nightstand, pulling out a pen. I pressed its tip into the flesh of my palm as hard as I could.
I’d been trimming my nails since I started therapy again with Ladie, so I couldn’t do it with my sharp, nail tips like before. This would help: Hold, press, and breathe. I stayed like that for a long while.
Pressing the pen. Breathing. Counting.
You’re stronger than you believe, and more love than you realise, Zioh. No matter what happens, we’ll go through it together. You’re never alone. Don’t ever forget that. Pink. 94.
When the noise stopped. When the fullness ebbed. When my heart felt like it might stop, I started moving my feet again.
Slowly, with shallow breath, I walked toward the door.
My heart beat so fast it pulsed in my ears, and the clock’s ticking faded as if far away. Sweat soaked my skin. The noise returned, a deafening roar that swallowed me whole.
What the hell are you doing?
I closed my eyes for a moment as I stood at the end of the hallway, tightening my grip and feeling the stabbing sensation in my palm.
You’re always pathetic, aren’t you? Why are you suspicious of Tshabina, Zioh? That’s Tshabina. Or maybe not. *Laugh*
Ignoring the voices, I tried to focus on the pain in my palm. Then, I opened my eyes and turned back to the woman on the sofa.
My stomach lurched.
Sweat and numbness overtook my body.
My heart felt as though it had stopped, as if the very oxygen had been sucked from the room. The ringing in my ears grew into a deafening scream.
The girl I had embraced, kissed, and spent the past months with was the girl sitting there.
That demon.
Cindy.