Chapter 7
Sage
I turned toward the small seating area by the windows where Zinnia and I had talked last night. If we didn’t leave the room, the bed would always be an enormous presence reminding us of what we’d done, but we didn’t have to sit on it.
“How about here,” I suggested as I settled on the window seat.
Thankfully, the chair Zinnia had pulled up was still there even though the bed had been made, indicating that someone had entered the room and tidied up while I’d been awake in the Gray.
“Right.” Quill cleared his throat and sat in the chair. “Why don’t we start with something smaller than trying to change your whole dress? Let’s try adding sleeves.”
“Sleeves,” I murmured, closing my eyes. “Just simple sleeves.”
I pictured my red lacey dress with long, elegant sleeves that would cover my arms. I tried to imagine the weight of the fabric, how it would feel against my skin, the way the lace would extend down to my wrists in delicate patterns.
Nothing.
All right. Maybe if I started even smaller. I imagined half a sleeve, just enough to reach my elbows. I thought about using a simple material, not a delicate lace. Maybe lace was too complicated for me.
But I still couldn’t feel fabric on my shoulders or around my biceps.
I cracked open one eye and glanced at my still bare arms.
No. Damn it.
I could do this. I had to do this.
I squeezed my eyes tight again and concentrated. The lacey fabric straps on my shoulders would turn into sleeves. I imagined the fabric growing — nothing — then suddenly appearing — nothing — then rising up through my skin — nothing — then draping over me — still nothing.
I imagined the fabric glowing with power, whisp thin then thickening. I imagined it any way, every way. Still no god-damned thing.
“All right.” Quill leaned forward. “What about jewelry? A ring or a necklace. Something you’re adding, not changing. That might be easier.”
“Sure,” I said, my hesitation clear in my tone.
I wasn’t sure if adding something would be easier, but I was willing to try.
“It can be anything you can wear or hold.” He held out his hand, and a delicate white ceramic cup appeared in his palm. It looked real, like everything else in the Garden.
“It’s empty,” I said. “Could you put water in it?”
“Only if it’s water from the Garden.” He turned the cup over. “You can manifest any object you can wear or realistically hold, but not food or water. You can’t manifest anything living, like a horse.”
I raised my eyebrows at that, making him chuckle.
“Not that you’d be able to hold a horse, but you wouldn’t be able to manifest… say… a bird or a mouse, either. And—” He set the cup on the window seat beside me and it disappeared. “If you let go of it or it stops touching you, if disappears.”
“But I should be able to manifest a ring?” I dropped my gaze to my bare fingers.
I could imagine a simple gold ring. I knew what that looked like. It wasn’t overly complicated.
I closed my eyes and pictured a simple gold band around my index finger.
Nothing.
I clenched my jaw in concentration. A ring. Simple. Gold. Smooth. It encircled my finger.
Still nothing. I imagined it’s weight, it pressing against my skin, it wrapping around my finger, it appearing out of nowhere, just showing up on my hand like Quill’s cup had shown up in his.
Nothing nothing nothing.
My eyes burned with frustrated tears that I didn’t want Lord Quill to see.
He’d already seen enough of my tears, and this was such a silly thing to cry over. For all I knew the magic that Zinnia had said was affecting me still influenced me. She and Magister Aster had said the magic was fading but hadn’t said how fast.
Maybe tomorrow I’d be able to do it… if, of course, the magic was the reason I couldn’t change my spirit clothes.
“Hey, it’s all right,” Quill said, his tone overly kind. “You’ll get it soon enough. And in the meantime, I’ll arrange to have clothes ready for tomorrow night or the night after.”
“Right.” I turned my attention out the window to look at the lights and softly glowing flowers in the impossible tree-castle that made up the Divine Residence and the garden below.
My insides twisted. Everything could come crashing down at any moment.
“Maybe that strange magic is… you know.” I shrugged then brushed my fingertips over my sleeping mating marks. “Or what Zinnia did to put them to sleep…”
The worry in Lord Quill’s gaze deepened into concern, and I prayed that what I’d said had been enough to make him reject any thoughts about me being unusual or suspicious.
“For now…” Quill stood and strode to the wardrobe on the other side of the large bedroom. He opened one of the intricately carved wooden doors and pulled out the silk robe I’d worn last night.
I stood and he returned to slide the sensual material over my shoulders, that snap of lightning that always zinged through me when we touched sending a shiver of desire racing down my spine.
The memory of his gentle hands washing my heated skin rushed through me, and a soft gasp slipped from my lips. I ducked my head in what I already knew was a futile attempt to hide my blush, but I just couldn’t help myself.
Meeting Lord Quill’s gaze was too embarrassing right now, especially since Zinnia had told me a fae woman wouldn’t be embarrassed about her sexual activity, and doubly not embarrassed because my mating marks had compelled me. It was the nature of being a fae woman, and there wasn’t any shame in it.
“You’re presentable,” Lord Quill said. “Would you like to return to the sitting room?”
I glanced at the closed bedroom door. I hadn’t heard anyone leave, but that didn’t mean Lords Rider and Talon hadn’t left.
Regardless, West was still out there, and he’d either witness my awkward conversation with Quill or my awkward conversation with Quill, Rider, and Talon when all I really wanted to do was hide… or better yet, go to sleep and return to my body.
What were the chances West would leave me alone in the bedroom with the door closed?
Maybe leaving the door open just wide enough so West could see inside but not wide enough that I would feel exposed would be enough so I could fall back asleep.
“I think I’d like to rest.”
Quill’s expression softened and he glanced at the bedroom door.
“If we leave it open a bit, hopefully that will be enough for Sir West,” I said, knowing what his look at the door meant.
“As you wish.” Lord Quill stood and left, leaving the door open by a hand’s width.
A shadow stepped in front of the opening, and a masculine voice, too quiet for me to make out the words, said something. The shadow moved away. Sir West didn’t come barging in and the door remained ajar. Thank you, Lord Quill.
I turned my attention to the bed. It could be seen from the doorway and the thought of lying there, with Sir West staring at me even if I couldn’t see him, made my insides squirm. It felt too exposed, too vulnerable, even if all I really wanted was to lie down, close my eyes, and go to sleep.
Except I had a feeling if I didn’t move into sight soon, West would come in, and I really didn’t want that.
Keeping the robe wrapped tight around me, I got up from the window seat and moved to the bed. I pushed back the top sheet, crawled underneath, and lay down.
I could feel his gaze on me.
I rolled over and squeezed my eyes shut.
I was tired, my body still ached from all the physical activity I’d done in the past few days and the injuries I’d sustained from being attacked by Wells and Crane even in my spirit form.
Father, I didn’t want to think about how much I’d hurt when I woke up in my room in the Black Tower. I was sore before I’d gone to sleep, and I knew I was going to be sore for days. But at least I wasn’t constantly being watched.
And, from the silence beyond the bedroom door, I couldn’t tell if West was the only one left in the sitting room.
I didn’t want to be alone with him. Of course, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with Lords Quill, Rider, or Talon but for completely different reasons.
With a huff, I rolled to my other side.
My mating marks weren’t compelling me to have sex anymore, but I still couldn’t deny my attraction to them. And Father help me if I had another desire spike…
A chill swept through me. What if I had a spike and only Sir West was around? Would I throw myself at him? Would he want me to?
Was that the High Priestess’s plan all along?
No. It couldn’t be. She didn’t know about my mating marks, which meant she didn’t know I could have sudden, overwhelming spikes of desire while the magic in my marks was shut down.
And shadows, that desire—
The memory of how I’d ached to be touched and kissed and filled bled through my worry.
Lord Quill had slid his hands up my thighs, parting me before pressing his lips to my core in this very bed, and I’d been helpless to deny him. It hadn’t mattered what my mind had wanted, my body had craved him, needed him, desperately.
Heat bled across my cheeks and low in my gut, and my hand slipped between my thighs inside my robe and cupped my sex over my dress. Even with my body sore and aching from physical exertion, the memory of his touch and the kindness and desire in his gaze burned within me.
My fingers pressed against my sensitive nub like how his tongue had pressed and flicked, driving me crazy.
Except it hadn’t been enough.
No, I’d needed him inside me, needed to feel his hard length stretching and filling me.
The heat inside me fluttered stronger, and I sucked in a sharp breath and jerked my hand away.
I had to stop thinking about how it felt to have him inside me, how it had been as amazing as when I’d had sex with Ash and yet different at the same time.
My heart twisted. Shadows, I missed Ash. I ached for him even more than I did for Lord Quill. Yes, I yearned for the comfort and concern that Quill had given me, but I needed the surety and safety I got from Ash more.
I rolled over again and squeezed my pillow. I had to stop thinking about having sex with Lord Quill, with Ash, with anyone. I had to fall asleep and return to my body.
Jeez, why couldn’t I get comfortable? Why couldn’t I—?
A bell tolled, a loud, deep resonant bong.
I jerked up, my body screaming in pain at the sudden movement. The agony devoured the heat of my desire, pushing it thankfully back to just a memory. The plush mattress beneath me had hardened, and the soft, smooth sheet had become coarse.
Footsteps pounded outside my door, and I blinked a bleary gaze around my small room in the Black Tower.
A hint of light bled from between the crack of the closed shutter as well as from the fae crystal in the wall.
The towel I kept in my room to clean up was still crumpled on top of the chest at the foot of my narrow bed where Lewin had dropped it, and I wore my Black Guard uniform, not a lacey red dress and a silky robe.
I was back. It was morning. And I didn’t feel rested at all.
I flopped back onto the bed, sending another shock of pain racing through me. It was my second lieu day. I didn’t need to get up or do any—
Actually, I had to meet Lord Quill in the infirmary at the fifth bell because now everyone — since I was sure no one in the Black Tower could keep a secret despite Lord Rider’s orders — knew I could see the future.
Maybe staying in my room until I had to meet with Lord Quill was the best plan.
I closed my eyes, but the fear that I’d fall back asleep and return to the Garden made them fly open again.
Lords Rider, Quill, and Talon would be awake right now being the Lord Commander and Captains of the Black Guard, which meant if I fell asleep now and went to the Garden it would be just me and Sir West.
Yeah, not a great idea.
With my aching muscles throbbing in pain, I got up.
I shrugged out of my heavy jerkin and shirt and retied the strips of fabric from my ruined dress to flatten my chest. I’d been too afraid someone would walk in on me when I’d returned to Kit, Payne, and Lewin’s suite to grab my boots and sword that I’d done a rush job wrapping the strips.
I wouldn’t have wrapped the strips at all, but I hadn’t wanted to walk from one wing of the Black Tower to the other carrying them, not when I should have been in bed.
Of course, no one had walked in on me, since Kit’s whole team was still in the infirmary, but I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t going to get caught.
I’d enjoyed the bath. It had been kind of Kit and the guys to let me use their private washing room but given how the rest of the Black Guard felt about me, it had been foolish of me to take them up on their offer, especially when they were out on patrol.
One person seeing me without Kit or Payne there to defend me, could have put me in serious trouble.
No matter how much my body ached — and it seemed to ache just as much today as it did yesterday, maybe even more — I needed to remember to not draw attention to myself.
I redressed and splashed water on my face, hoping that would make me feel better, more refreshed, less like I’d overexerted myself and was now paying the consequences.
It didn’t. I was still sore and tired.
The footsteps outside my door had quieted, so I risked glancing outside. The hall was empty, but that only meant the men on the first shift were in the great hall having breakfast, as well as those novices who wanted to get an early start on their lieu day and return to Lehyrst.
I was still restricted to the Gray and couldn’t go to Lehyrst, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to go even if it was permitted.
Mikel and his friends were no doubt planning retaliation for me threatening them even if I was just defending myself, and I doubted any of the guardsmen in Lehyrst would protect me.
I doubted Rider, Talon, and Quill went to Lehyrst either…
well, I knew for a fact Lord Quill wasn’t because I had to meet him in the infirmary at the fifth bell.
Even if one of them was there, it would look suspicious if I hung around them. And really, what would I say to them? Rider clearly didn’t like me, and Talon, who I thought might be a possible ally obeyed Lord Rider’s orders and could turn on me at any moment.
The only men in the Black Tower I might consider friends were Kit, Payne, and Lewin, and they were in the infirmary.
My stomach growled. If I didn’t want to run into anyone in the great hall, I had to wait until after the second shift of the day had eaten breakfast, which meant after the third bell.
But there wasn’t any guarantee that the men working in the kitchen would still have food out or that they’d let me have any of it.
No, best to join the line and pray I didn’t run into Mikel and his friends, and that the other guardsmen ignored me.