Chapter 37 | Her
The very foundations of my being have been severely destroyed. Horrors from four nights ago slice open my heart every time I try to close my eyes. And with my eyes open...I’m either dead or way too much alive. I’m either a ghost, lacking any emotion of life or death, or a lunatic who spends all her time looking for phantoms to jump out of nowhere.
But I mostly feel blank.
Blank because I lack the enthusiasm of life now that a huge chunk of it has been stolen from me. Blank because I don’t feel motivated enough for anything other than vanishing from the face of the planet; like I never existed at all. Blank because I know there’s no escape. And if there is one, I’ll never be able to find it now that I am this blank.
Blank because there’s no one looking out for me.
A tear slips free from the corner of my eyes while I stare blankly at the white walls of my casket. Yes, this room is exactly what it must feel like being dead.
Two days ago, I woke up with a beaten face and some severe concussions, that must’ve happened on that night. The good part is I was then escorted outside, and I couldn’t believe that we had finally hit land.
I remember thinking that this must be the end. Perhaps that’s all that I was here for. Now that King believed he had broken me, he could throw me away. But I was severely mistaken to think that this man was done with me.
I must have been taken out of captivity, but it was solely for the purpose of sewing up the rag doll. And that’s exactly what the gynecologist did... or the dentist. Or the surgeon attending my concussions. Every one of them knew exactly what was going on, but they did not dare say a word about it.
No one uttered a word about the abuse they attended to. Humanity, morals – words... empty.
If it’s not the place you should be in and you’re still here, then you adapt to the surroundings. Be what they want you to be.
And it’s not going to be the same. You’re not going to be the same. But no one needs to know about it. Make them believe you... keep your fingers crossed and wait for the time when nobody’s watching.
A knock on the door grabs my attention and I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Good evening, Ruza.” She says before slipping inside.
I do not reply, but that’s not solely because I lack energy. The thought that she was trying to drug me has not left my mind since the night. She might be doing it for any possible reason but the fact that it still wouldn’t save me from my fate is what I feel pained for. I mean I would still wake up to concussions, a bleeding down below and some severe throat infection. My body would feel it if not through. It wouldn’t change a damn thing.
“How are you feeling tonight? Are the concussions better?” Marija sets down the tray of food and pills on the nightstand before sitting on the bedside to check out the injuries on my head.
“Looks better than before to me...” Her accent literally drives me crazy. And I’m not really a fan of the contents of her chat with me either.
I avoid her and go back to staring at my favorite part of the wall, while she moves over to mix somethings together in a bowl before offering it to me.
“Here... have something. The doctor said you could eat now that you’re up and better. Do you remember how hard you were puking last night and even the one before?”
I stay silent.
“Are you not going to say anything? Talk to me.” She insists cupping my face before turning me to face her.
My gaze dislodges from my favorite part to the sheet below my crossed feet. Memories of blood freshly spilled on them refreshes. A ringing noise is intensifying in my ears as my body shakes with the terror filling fast inside my head. My brows are so tightly furrowed that a dull ache seems to rise in my forehead.
I feel a gentle hand brushing on my hair. The fright subsides as I slowly open my eyes to a teary Marija in front of me.
“Ruza, don’t worry. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine darling.” A warm hug isn’t something I expected of this woman. But right now, that’s probably the thing I needed the most. Although the poison that forever rests in my throat now won’t let me be gentle; at least not with these people – innocent or not.
“Do you do this with every one of his whores?” The sound of it may be insulting or incriminating, but frankly, that’s just the first thing that came to my mind as soon as logic came rushing back inside my brain.
Her face flushes red at my dismissal to her efforts. “You’re still mad about the sedatives. I was helping you.” Her pained smile suggests that she means it, but that doesn’t mean it was going to do shit.
“By making me sleep through it.” I retort, “What made you think I would want that? What would it change, Marija?” My voice unrecognizably full of pent-up rage.
The silence on her face is heavy and thick with guilt.
“You knew what I was being signed off for. Didn’t you?” Indignation on my face as I continue, “You knew I was going to get manhandled and raped by how many men. And you didn’t make the slightest effort to make me aware of the situation I was about to walk in on. Why?” The war in my eyes between fury and insensate. “You are no different, Marija. You are one of them for pushing me into this hellhole.”
“I am not.” Her guilty voice has a tinge of regret to it. “Yes, I knew what you were being led for. And I was supposed to look after everything to go smoothly. But I was not sedating you to cheat you into it.” She exhales before continuing, “Look Ruza, I don’t expect you to understand but I’m going to try to explain it anyway. All I was making sure was that you don’t lose your sanity. And no, I don’t do this for every other whore who is brought in for this. Because most of them are Merlyn’s and they’re all into it. They know what’s going on and what they’d be expected to do. They aren’t you. You... you’re different.”
Her gaze falls down to where my hands clutch at the sheets and a painful smile replaces the guilt before her hand reaches mine slowly unclutching the sheets. “Darling, you don’t understand. There was no way I or anyone could make you escape. But I felt I could at least save your sanity.” Her hand cup my face again with a look of concern, “I wish I would have done it a little earlier.”
Does her explanation ease anything? No.
But that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t sense the sympathy in her voice. That sympathy is hope. It’s the hope of getting out of here. I could use it to my advantage.
“Do you know how hard I begged Vuk to let me go. And what did he do? He handed me over to your Boss. And I begged him too. And I kept begging each one of them, but they were all deaf to my pleas like I was a corpse. And I died there Marija. I died.” My voice cracks at the admission.
“No amount of begging works here Ruza. In fact, it makes things more exciting for them. It’s like a game, if the prey runs then the chase becomes more fun.” Her smile is masking the pain she must have witnessed happening through the years she’s been here. “And Vuk... do you know what his name means?”
My eyes narrow in confusion.
“Vuk means wolf in my language.” Her smile suggestive, “He’s more than he shows. Remember that. He was one of the best hitmen King once had, until he had his way with one of King’s women. And since King couldn’t kill him for bias, he found another way to punish him.”
The grin on her face is making me question if I was wrong about her relationship with the said wolf.
“He got him castrated. That obviously made him realize that he could’ve been shot dead like the others who tried to have physical intimacy with King’s women. Since then, his loyalty only increased ten folds out of pure fear of losing his head to King’s blade one day.” Her eyes lock with mine, “So don’t expect him, or anyone to disobey Boss’s orders.”
Her gaze drifts over to my injuries. “You need rest. And sleep. If you want to get through this alive, you’ll need the strength Ruza.” She pats lightly on my arm before leaving.
And that’s where you get me wrong Marija. I need strength, but only to make sure that I can run away when the devil’s not looking.
I want out, even if I’ve lost everything. I can’t die in this hellhole.