5 Lift
‘Thanks Sue!’ I say, swinging the car door open.
‘Have fun you two! Geri, text me when you’re ready to come home,’ Sue says, leaning back from the driver’s seat.
‘I will. Thanks Mum.’ Geri leans forward and kisses her on the cheek.
As Sue drives off, Geri steals one of my arms to hold.
‘How’s everything going with your mum and dad?’ I ask as we walk down the bricked lane arm-in-arm towards town square.
‘I mean, it’s nice to have Dad back home. But I still haven’t forgiven him. He tries to act like nothing’s happened, asks me how school is. I say, “Fine,” and then we sit in awkward silence until the next serving of dry small talk.’
‘I think it’ll get easier.’
‘I hope so.’ Geri pauses for a moment, seemingly gathering her thoughts. ‘Anyway, how’re things with you?’
‘Yeah, fine,’ I reply.
‘And your crush on Finn? How’s that going?’
‘I don’t have a crush on Finn!’
‘Oh, come off it, you stare at him across the canteen at lunch, you flirt non-stop in chemistry, you talk about him all the time…Face it Cam, you luuurve him.’
‘I do not!’ I shout a little too aggressively for friendly banter.
‘Okay, okay,’ she says, holding up her gloves in surrender.
‘Anyway, he’s straight.’
‘Did he say that?’
‘Well, not exactly. But I made it very clear I was gay and gave him the perfect opportunity to say something. He didn’t.’
‘So? That doesn’t mean he’s not—’
‘Please. Can we just drop it?’
‘Sure, sorry,’ she says, defeated.
It’s only five o’clock, but it feels so much later, seeing how dark it is already. Bulbs are stringed up between stalls selling knick-knacks and warm festive treats. Whilst looking for the others, we stop at a fudge stand so Geri can pick up something for her mum.
‘There they are!’ Robyn calls from a few stalls down.
Robyn, Jack and Becky join us, each holding little steaming coffee cups. Becky looks like she’s got two or three coats on, with two scarves wrapped around her neck and face. I chuckle to myself at only her eyes and nose poking through.
‘Warm enough Becky?’ I ask.
‘No,’ she replies aggressively.
‘What’ve you got?’ I ask, gesturing to their cups.
Jack leans into me and brings the coffee cup up to my face. He looks to either side of him and slowly opens the lid, allowing me to take a peek. The strong aroma of wine and spices punches through my nostrils.
‘What is that?!’ I say, pushing it away from my face.
‘It’s mulled wine,’ Jack whispers with a sneaky, open-mouthed grin. ‘My brother got it for us…Please don’t tell my mum.’
‘Where’s Finn? I thought he’d be with you?’ Robyn asks.
‘He’s on his way. He said he’d call when he gets here,’ I reply
The five of us potter around from stall to stall, stopping every now and then to have a little browse. Becky gave up on the mulled wine about two sips in, of which Robyn was all too happy to take it off her hands. I keep pulling out my phone to check if Finn’s called. Each time, it’s a blank lock screen. As ten minutes turn into twenty, and twenty turn into forty, each check of my phone forces the hope of him coming to gradually dissipate.
We stop at an artist’s stall, where Robyn becomes entranced by some spinning wind things in her tipsy state.
‘There you are!’ Finn’s voice makes my heart tense.
I look left, then right, no Finn. I do a full spin, glancing at every face in the crowd, and still can’t see him.
‘Up here!’ he says.
With the reassured direction from his voice and Geri looking up into the stall smiling, I find Finn inside the stall, surrounded by all manner of Christmas trinkets. His blue eyes twinkle in the reflection of the fairy lights draped between us. A cream woolly jumper hugs his torso as black jeans barely poke up over the counter.
‘What’re you doing there?’ I ask as my grin escapes me.
‘I’m so sorry! I got here and was about to text you when my uncle saw me and asked if I could watch his stall for five minutes. Well, that was over half an hour ago! I keep trying to call him, but I can’t get any signal!’ Finn’s cheeks flush.
Jack looks down at his phone.
‘I’ve got signal, here you go. Call him on mine.’ Jack passes his phone.
As he holds up the phone to his cheek and waits for it to ring, he turns to face me. The others have become distracted by the knick-knacks, but I haven’t detached my gaze from him. He mouths ‘sorry’ to me before he gets through.
‘Hey! It’s Finn. Where are you?! You said you’d be back in five minutes!’
‘Alright, alright, don’t get your knickers in a twist.’
A thick South London accent emerges from the hustle and bustle behind us. A bald, middle-aged man with a grey goatee appears, holding a phone to his cheek and Sammy, the puppy, under his arm.
He comes into Finn’s view and hangs up. Finn, seeing him, rolls his eyes and throws open the side door of the stall. The gang and I all gather around Sammy, marvelling at how cute he is.
‘What’s his name?’ Geri says.
‘This little one is Sammy. I’ve been looking after him for this one,’ the uncle says, nodding his head at Finn.
Finn curses his lips and takes Sammy out of his uncle’s arm, slamming a set of keys into his now empty hand.
‘That was not five minutes and you know it,’ Finn says, looking cross.
‘What can I say? The pup’s a real babe magnet!’
Finn stares at his uncle.
‘Look, I’m sorry. Here. There’s some money. Go and have fun.’
He takes out a wad of five- and ten-pound notes, holding it in front of Finn’s nose. Finn pinches the tip of the notes and whips it out of his uncle’s fingers.
‘Here, hold him,’ Finn says, handing Sammy back.
He unfolds the notes, licks his thumb and finger and counts them. He gets to a twenty and holds it up to the light.
‘Seems legit,’ he says, glancing at his uncle with raised eyebrows. ‘Thank you.’
‘Thanks for watching the stall. Do you want me to look after this one for a bit longer? I can drop him back at your mum’s in an hour?’
‘You sure?’ Finn asks.
‘Yeah, of course. Spend time with your friends. Are you not going to introduce me?’
‘Absolutely not,’ Finn says, scooping us all into his arms and hurrying us along.
‘I like your wind thingies!’ Robyn calls back in her slurred voice.
Stepping into a stream of festive shoppers, I battle my way forward to be as close to Finn within the group as I can.
‘Guys, I am so sorry. Were you waiting around?’ Finn says.
‘No, no, you’re fine,’ Jack says. ‘You missed out on mulled wine though.’
‘Mulled wine?!’ Robyn exclaims.
‘No more for you!’ Geri quips.
Robyn scrunches her face and folds her arms like a naughty pre-schooler.
Geri meets my side as the others pause at a chocolate fountain.
‘Do you want me to do some digging? Find out if he’s seeing anyone?’ Geri whispers.
‘Geri!’ I say with eyes widened as if to further say, ‘Shut the fuck up.’
‘I know, I know…You don’t like him, blah blah blah. But what if, Cam? What if he is gay, bi, pan, anything? Wouldn’t it be nice? Even to have a friend you can share that stuff with?’ she says, checking behind herself.
I run through all possible scenarios in my head. I do like him. A lot. Like, a lot, a lot! He laughs at something Jack said. I focus on his perfect teeth and think about touching them with my tongue in a kiss. The notion warms me from the inside out.
‘Okay.’
‘What—,’ Robyn hiccups, ‘what are you girls talking about?’
‘Nothing,’ Geri and I both reply in unison.
***
It doesn’t take long for Robyn to end up neck-deep in a park bin. With Jack and Becky gone, the mulled wine’s come back to haunt her. Her back jolts back and forth with each hurl. Geri holds her braids back and does her best to avoid looking in the bin.
‘I’m gonna have to call her mum to come get her.’
‘No! Anyone but my mum. She’ll kill me!’ Robyn’s voice echoes from the bin.
‘I can drive her home?’ Finn says, looking concerned.
‘That’s really sweet of you Finn, but I don’t want her to throw up in your car,’ Geri says as she briefly glances into the bin and holds back a gag. Geri slides her phone out of her back pocket and hands it to me.
‘Can you call my mum? Tell her what’s happened and ask if Robyn can stay over.’
‘Sure,’ I reply, taking the phone and opening her contacts. I bring the phone up to my ear and pan around from the girls.
Finn’s white-faced.
‘She’ll be okay,’ I whisper, smiling. ‘This isn’t the first time.’
***
Having managed to negotiate Robyn over to the car park near the playground, she seems to have got over the worst of it, but boy, does she look rough.
‘I’m so sorry Sue,’ Robyn slurs as her legs are lifted into the back of the car.
‘It’s alright sweet pea,’ Sue says, opening a plastic bag and laying it on the floor mat. She tucks in the tails of Robyn’s coat and closes the door.
Robyn wobbles, then slumps down on the back seat.
‘Have you got another way home Cam? I’m not sure it’d be safe to sit next to this one?’ Sue asks.
‘Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll call my dad,’ I reply.
‘I can give you a lift?’ Finn says.
My neck almost snaps at spinning around so quickly.
‘I…it’s fine. I don’t want to put you out. My dad won’t mind,’ I say, not knowing which of his twinkling eyes to look in.
He goes to speak before Sue interjects.
‘Okay boys. Well, it was nice to meet you Finn. Text Geri to say you got home okay Cam,’ She says, opening the car door and slinging herself inside.
‘I will.’
Geri looks through the back window to check on Robyn before she pops her head up to wave goodbye.
‘Wish me luck!’ she shouts.
‘Bye!’ Finn and I reply in unison.
‘Feel better Robyn!’ I shout, cupping my hands towards the car. Her hand raises in reply before Geri’s door shuts and the internal light turns off.
Finn and I stand back to let the car reverse. Geri winds down her window just enough to stick her arm out and wave. I pull out my phone to call Dad.
‘Please let me drop you home. It’s no trouble. Honest. My car’s just round the corner.’ Finn rests his fingertips on my forearm to pause my hand.
I look up at his puppy-dog eyes. I ponder the notion before feeling embarrassed that he’s having to rescue me.
‘Are you absolutely sure?’
‘Positive!’ he affirms.
We walk around the corner to his little blue car sitting in a bay on the side of the high street. Finn puts his hand in his black jeans and the car unlocks.
‘You sure this is okay?’ I ask.
‘Oh for goodness’ sake, get in.’ He gestures to the passenger door as he walks around the car.
Plonking myself in the passenger seat, I’m quick to spot a slightly damp smell. It’s not a bad damp smell though. Almost like a nostalgic damp, like when I go into my grandparents’ attic. That kind of damp. I buckle myself in and wait…I look out the back window and he’s texting someone. He’s wearing a plain silver ring on his little finger. I definitely haven’t seen that before. He locks his phone and walks up to the door. I quickly spin to face the front and hold my breath as he rocks himself into the driver’s seat.
‘Right! Where are we heading then?’ he asks, leaning forward to turn the ignition.
‘Do you know where the old police station is?’
He turns to present a ventriloquist dummy expression. ‘Nope.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ll be the sat nav.’
Finn relaxes his lips into a smile, checks his mirrors and pulls out onto the quiet road. He fumbles with a cable near the gearstick and passes it to me.
‘Are you going to be DJ?’ he asks.
‘Unless you’re into the musical stylings of High School Musical and Taylor Swift, I don’t think that’d be wise.’
‘Are you kidding? High School Musical 2 was my sexual awakening!’ Finn exclaims.
His sexual awakening?! But are we talking Troy Bolton sexual awakening or Gabriella Montez sexual awakening? Oh God…I hope it’s not a Sharpay Evans sexual awakening. Then Helen might as well have him!
‘Your sexual awakening?’ I ask.
‘Yeah…Like, uh, you know, with the swimming pool and everything.’
Gee, that narrows it down.
Before I have the opportunity to ask another question, Finn punches his finger into the archaic stereo system and Taylor Swift aggressively shouts, ‘Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did!’
‘Jesus!’ Finn reacts to the volume, hastily turning it down whilst he looks back and forth from the road to the stereo.
I simultaneously skip to the next song in a panic. Then the next one. Then the next one. Then the next one. God, this is embarrassing. Ah, okay, this should be fine.
‘Start of Something New?’ Finn asks.
‘Yep.’
‘A classic.’
We’re not so brazen as to sing along, but every now and then, we mime the words. Finn takes Troy’s part, of course. And I take Gabriella. He’s as close to a real-life Zac Efron as I’m ever gonna get! Even when he closes his eyes to dramatically and silently hit the high note, it doesn’t terrify me that he’s not even looking at the road. I’m soaking up every last drop of this moment. He could drive us off a cliff right now and I’d die a happy man being this close to him. His soft knuckles, his pressed thighs, his cool silver ring and his Adam’s apple pulsing with every lyric. Hang on…Am I dreaming? This is a very me type of dream. I pinch my arm.
‘Ow,’ I quietly say to myself.
‘What did you say?’ Finn asks, turning down the volume.
‘Uh, who’s your favourite artist?’ I panic.
‘I like a bit of everything. I wouldn’t say I have a favourite. Maybe…someone from the 80s?’
‘The 80s?!’ I exclaim.
‘Yeah, I was basically raised on 80s compilation albums. I’d sometimes dress up with an inflatable guitar and put on shows for Mum and Dad in the living room.’ He gently scrunches his face. ‘I’m sure listening to 80s music sounded a lot cooler before I said that.’
‘No, no, I still think you’re cool.’ I blush.
He turns his head and tightens his lips in a smile. His eyes are fixated on mine. I don’t want to look away, but he’s not looking at the road, and I’m quickly reminded we’re in a moving vehicle.
‘Oh, it’s left here,’ I say, gesturing.
***
The drive ends sooner than I want it to.
‘Thanks again for dropping me home. You’re a good driver.’
‘Twas my pleasure.’ He tips an imaginary hat. ‘Your house looks nice,’ he says, ducking his head slightly to peer through my window.
My heartbeat accelerates at the idea of asking him to come in.
‘Do you—’
Shit.
‘Did you—’
Double Shit. Come on, Cam, just ask him.
‘Did you have a good time?’
Man, I suck at this.
‘I really did,’ he says, smiling.
I don’t want to peel my face away. I just stare. He rubs his hand on his thigh and I have to clench my teeth together to stop myself from audibly gasping. I can’t get over how muscular and defined his legs look. I watch his eyes dart down from mine, and I think they linger on my lips.
Does—Does he want to kiss me?
He’s still looking…
‘Cam?’
‘Yeah?’ I reply through a crack in my voice.
This is it. Oh my God, this is actually happening!
‘I think your nose is bleeding?’ he says, shattering my train of thought.
‘What?’ I bring up my finger to my nostril. I pull my finger away to see blood. ‘Oh, bloody hell…ha, literally!’ I laugh at myself.
He doesn’t laugh. ’Can I help? I might have some tissues in here,’ Finn says, frantically opening the glove box.
‘It’s okay. I get them all the time,’ I say, cupping a hand under my chin and pinching the bridge of my nose.
‘Really?’ Finn replies, looking concerned and fumbling a tissue into my free hand.
‘Thanks. Yeah, pretty much anytime my blood pressure goes up. If I’m ever stressed or anything, they just happen.’
I’m mortified. Why did this have to happen not only in front of Finn, but in his car too?
‘Here, let me get the door for you.’ Finn switches off the car, pulls out the keys and propels himself out of the driver’s seat.
He walks around the front of the car and opens my door. He leans across me to unbuckle my seatbelt. He stretches over my lap and I have to look up at the car’s roof to focus on breathing. Oh god, his hand is resting on my knee…
Quick! Think of something else. Anything else.
‘I am so, so sorry,’ I mutter behind my tissued fist.
‘Don’t worry about it. These things happen,’ he says all too calmly, laughing under his breath.
He unbuckles my seatbelt and guides my arm out of it. I spin on my bum to get my legs out the car, while he props the door open with his hip.
‘Let me see?’ Finn asks exquisitely.
‘Absolutely not!’ I reply with a chuckle.
‘At least let me walk you in. You don’t want to get blood all over your door now, do you?’
I stop with my feet planted firmly on the doormat. Finn places one hand on the back of my shoulder as he leans around me to ring the doorbell. The chime rings within as mum’s figure approaches through the distorted glass.
‘Oh my God!’ Mum shouts, as she opens the door to see the bloody tissues against my face.
‘I’m fine! It’s just a nosebleed,’ I say, stepping into the hall. ‘Mum, this is Finn,’ I point with my elbow.
‘Hello.’ She waves. ‘Come in! Come in!’ She hurries him in with a flap of her hands. ‘I’m Tracy, and my husband Simon is through there.’ She points to the living room.
‘Cameron, you go and clean yourself up. I’ll make Finn here a cuppa,’ she finishes, instructing me to go upstairs. ‘Do you drink tea?’ she asks Finn.
‘I do,’ he replies, smiling.
‘I like to hear it.’
Mum walks off into the kitchen, whilst Finn pulls off his Timberlands. My face warms. This is not how I imagined him meeting my parents. And who knows what they’ll say while I’m upstairs? We catch each other in a smile before he tells me to go on. He follows Mum into the kitchen and I hurry upstairs to sort myself out.
***
‘You okay?’ Finn asks as I come into the kitchen, now wearing jogging bottoms and a hoodie.
He’s sat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, his elbows propping up a mug that balances in his two hands like an A-frame. Coming around the breakfast bar, his eyes wander. They track down my body and narrow somewhere near my waist. His lip folds in between his teeth before he quickly shakes off his stare.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I’m so sorry about that. And for my mum forcing a tea on you.’ I smile back timidly, not knowing what to say or do next.
In the hesitation, he takes a swig of his tea.
‘You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend Cam?’ Mum announces, coming back into the kitchen.
My jaw drops and Finn loudly coughs into his mug, propelling large drops of tea into his fringe.
‘What?!’ I shout.
‘You know, boy, space, friend. A friend that’s a boy,’ she explains whilst studying my every expression like a science project. ‘I’ve only ever met Geri and Robyn. I just didn’t know you had guy friends,’ she concludes.
Blood rushes to my face. I don’t know where to look.
‘Here you go,’ Mum says, placing a mug of tea on the countertop next to me and heading out of the kitchen. ‘Now, not too late. You’re on dog-walking duty tomorrow morning.’
‘Okay! Thank you for the tea,’ I reply quickly to get her out of the room as soon as possible. She shuts the door and heads into the living room to join Dad.
My lips pull in on themselves in embarrassment as my elbows prop me up on the countertop.
‘I am so sorry about her,’ I say, cupping my hands around my face.
‘It’s fine. I found it funny.’
‘What did you and Mum talk about whilst I was upstairs?’ I ask, blowing steam off my tea.
‘Oh, nothing much. You mostly.’
I smile behind my mug. ‘Only the good stuff I hope?’
‘But of course,’he replies. ‘I told your mum all about your addiction to class A drugs, how you beat up a teacher and that you’re doing a lip-sync in full drag for the Extravaganza.’
‘Oh, shut up!’ I say playfully.
He laughs and then spins himself to one side.
‘Is this you?’he asks, pointing at a picture of me with my face painted as a tiger aged five.
‘It might be…’
He laughs. ‘You’re so cute.’ He smiles at the photo, then glances at me. His eyes dance around my face before he spins back to his tea.
The heartbeat in my eardrum isn’t normally this loud. And are my fingertips usually this fizzy?
‘Did you, uh…get anything with the money your uncle gave you?’I ask, pushing my fizzy fingertips together within the sleeves of my hoodie.
‘Nah. I’ll probably do something really fun and exciting with it. Like savings for university or something.’
‘Oh, you’re already thinking about that?’ I pull myself onto the stool next to him and bury my eyes deep into his to try to read his five-year plan.
‘Eh- It’s a possibility. I doubt I’ll be able to afford it though.’
He twiddles his fingers on the handle of the mug. His posture changes from sitting upright with confidence, to more hunched over and vulnerable. I tilt my head to try and catch his eye. His eyes slowly roll towards me before he glances at the clock on the microwave.
‘I should probably get going. I said I’d be home by ten-thirty,’ Finn says, dismounting the stool and chugging the rest of his tea.
I’m easily entranced by his Adam’s apple pulsing up and down his firm neck with each gulp. He lowers the mug and catches an escaping drop with the end of his tongue.
My heart sinks at realising this evening is only temporary. I want to hold him. Trap him in my arms and never let go. Listen to his heartbeat as I sleep and kiss him awake every morning. He stretches his arms and his woolly jumper rides up. The neat hairs aligned under his belly button make my fingers fizz again. My feet slide across the kitchen tiles towards him. As I get closer, he retracts from his stretch and I play off my slide, picking up his mug and walking it over to the sink. I stare at the plug whilst biting my lip to control myself.
Walking into the hall, we meet Mum and Dad heading upstairs to bed.
‘Thanks for having me,’ Finn says.
‘You’re welcome. Thanks for saving me having to pick him up!’ Dad says with a wink.
Rosie and Jimmy emerge from the living room behind Mum and Dad.
‘Who’s this?!’ Finn exclaims, kneeling down.
‘This is Rosie, and that’s Jimmy,’ I direct with a point to each.
Rosie and Jimmy excitedly nuzzle themselves in Finn as he kneels down to cuddle them both.
‘Aren’t you both the cutest!’ Finn says, rubbing one dog in each hand.
‘Goodnight, don’t forget to lock the door Cameron?’ Mum says, traipsing up the stairs in her slippers with Dad following behind.
‘I won’t. Night,’ I reply.
‘Goodnight,’ Finn adds, leaving the dogs to put on his boots.
Mum and Dad’s door slams shut upstairs.
‘Come on you two, in the kitchen,’ I say, holding the kitchen door open so the dogs can walk inside.
I close the door, significantly dimming the hallway. Only the lamp on the entry table now lights the hall.
Finn tucks the ends of his laces into the sides of his boots. I can’t decide where to hold my arms. Do I put my hands in my pockets? Do I cross them? I lean on the wall with my elbow for a moment, before I have an out-of-body look at myself and realise how weird that looks.
‘Your family is really nice,’ Finn says, popping up from the floor.
‘They’re alright I guess,’ I say nonchalantly, still trying to place my arms somewhere that feels normal. ‘Thanks again for dropping me home. And sorry about bleeding everywhere. I promise not to make a habit of it.’
‘I should hope not.’ He chuckles and looks up at my nose. ‘All clear.’ He winks.
The feeling of my fingers tapping on the banister in an anxious outlet becomes overbearing. I’m trying to be present, but I can only focus on the tapping. Pushing my fingertips into the corners of the carved wood for comfort. Imagining these fingers pressing into his hips and feeling the texture of his soft skin. Finn’s locked eyes with me.
I don’t know whether I should say something or wait for him to say something. Do I open the door for him?
‘I had a great time tonight,’ Finn whispers, glancing up at my fringe and then back down at my eyes. ‘With you,’ he adds, slightly tilting his head.
‘I had a great time too,’ I reply.
I look down at Finn’s chest and the cream wool insulating him. My mind transitions from the texture of the banister to what his jumper must feel like, what my fingertips would feel as they run over each woven bump in the material. I detach my stare and smile up at him. I rock forward to the front of my feet as my body unconsciously pulls towards his. He looks down at me as I approach. I stop myself and retreat onto my heels.
‘I’ll see you Monday?’he asks, turning towards the door.
‘See you Monday,’ I reply, following his pace.
I reach for the door handle and look down at his jumper again. Before I know it, my arms have spontaneously wrapped themselves around his waist. My head sits below his chin as it rests on his right shoulder. I pause, feeling every wool fibre almost prickle my fingers. And yet, I don’t feel his arms. I freeze. I’m hugging him, but he’s not hugging me.
As I ripple my fingers off his back to release him, his hands slide over my shoulders and pull me in tighter. I feel my cheek push into his collarbone with his securing grasp. His nose nuzzles into my hoodie. His fingers unhook from my side, causing my arms to become weightless as they slowly drift back from holding him. Our heads pass like ships in the night as we back away from one another. In our eyes finding each other, we both stand silently. He coughs through a crack in his throat.
‘Night,’ he whispers, turning the door handle and allowing the cold night air to flood around my toes.
Just as he’s about to disappear behind the distorted glass, his head turns back to me. His expression is that of someone who’s looking for something. That vulnerability about him again.
‘Night,’ I whisper back, my fingertips pinching the door, holding it open just enough for him to easily slip through.
The hug was nice, but I want to kiss him. I want more. Everything about him I want more of.
He smiles, then slides out the door.
Maybe this is all it’ll ever be: wanting more but not getting it.