6 Snowfall
We only have about ten minutes until the doors open and the students come in. Thankfully, I’m all ready to go. I’m now just twiddling my thumbs behind the lighting board, waiting for it all to begin.
Geri bursts through the hall doors behind me with a cable wrapped around her arm.
‘Miss, I’ve got it!’ she calls over to Barkley and Becky at the audio desk.
‘Cam, you all set?’ Barkley shouts.
‘All set, miss!’
Barkley steps out from the audio desk and signals for us to follow her backstage.
Leading us into the gym’s equipment room behind the stage, Geri positions herself by the door and dons her Britney Spears-style headset. The equipment room is working as a makeshift green room with some thirty-ish students all huddled together and sitting on various bits of PE apparatus. Geri runs her finger over the clipboard illuminated by a clip-on light, checking that each act is here and accounted for.
‘Okay, does everyone know their cues?’ Barkley asks the group.
They all nod in response.
‘Good. Now, this is your opportunity to really shine. This is the big send-off before Christmas break and is a real treat for the whole school. You’re all going to do amazing, so get out there and make me proud! Also, boys…don’t get suspended,’ Barkley says, throwing up her thumbs at the lads all wearing tear-away suits. ‘Right! Let’s put on an Extravaganza!’ Barkley yells, almost flinging off her glasses.
‘Give ’em hell,’ I say to Geri as I leave the room and head to the lighting board at the back of the hall.
Barkley takes her seat behind the audio desk. I’m about halfway across the hall before Geri shouts at the top of her lungs: ‘Listen up, arse wipes! I have worked too damn hard for this show to go down in a shit storm like the class of 2010. This will be the best Christmas Extravaganza this school has ever seen, and if any one of you so much as puts a toe out of line, so help me God, I will make your lives a living hell until the moment I leave this backwater of an educational establishment. Do I make myself clear?!’
Approving mumbles echo from the cupboard.
‘That girl is going to make a great politician one day,’ Barkley says.
Geri emerges from behind the stage, pushing her hair back and shaking her head in a satisfied release.
‘Ready?’ Geri asks Barkley in a joyful tone.
Barkley nods and smiles back.
‘Cam, house lights please,’ Geri says from the middle of the gym floor, where the audience will soon be sat cross-legged.
I hit the lights and bring up the warm blinders so it’s just bright enough for everyone to find a space on the floor.
Geri walks to the gym door, pushes it open with her shoulder and invites the teachers waiting outside to bring in their students. Geri retreats behind the stage as the army of teachers march in their students, assigning them each a space on the floor to sit.
Barkley turns up the volume on some thumping music that builds the anticipation in the hall.
The sixth-formers slowly file in and find a standing space at the back.
Jack and Finn slip into the hall and circle behind me. Finn’s hand on my back catches me off guard.
‘You’ve got this,’ he says, bending down to my ear.
My knees wobble under the lighting board. I breathe in his cologne and smile as he walks away. I mouth, ‘Thanks.’ His wink knocks every ounce of preparation out of my mind. I study his long-sleeve t-shirt and tight trousers…
Come on Cam, snap out of it! It’s showtime.
‘Please welcome to the stage your hosts for this year’s Seaton Christmas Extravaganza, Robyn Walsh and Noel Kamp,’ Mrs Barkley announces down the microphone in a deep, dramatic tone.
The audience applauds and whoops as Robyn and Noel lightly jog on stage with their cue cards. Noel brings the microphone up to his mouth and starts to speak, but nothing. I look over to Barkley and Becky as they shout in unison, ‘Turn it on!’
‘Hello Seaton!’ Noel starts again.
‘Welcome to this year’s Christmas Extravaganza! We cannot wait to share some of the terrible…I mean terrific acts we have lined up for you,’ Robyn continues, as childish laughs come from the audience.
Chloe and Danielle, the twins, do a magic show-type performance where they make one of the Year 7s disappear, Helen Miller attempts a world record for the fastest hair bun (she did not succeed), and Zara’s ‘I Will Always Love You’ even made Mrs Haun tear up. Commonly referred to as the Demon Headmistress, I’m shocked to see she actually has a soul. She’s stood next to me at the lighting board, keeping a watchful eye.
‘Now, ladies…’ Robyn announces.
‘And Cam,’ Noel adds, pointing and winking at me across the hall, simultaneously making the whole of the school turn to look at me. Completely caught off guard, I do my best to quickly sink behind the desk.
I wait a few seconds for people to turn back and emerge to catch Robyn sneakily smacking Noel’s arm.
Finn looks over, his eyebrows twisting at my embarrassment.
I flash back a somewhat believable smile before I put my fingers back on the sliders, ready for the next act.
‘We have a special treat for you. Presenting the boys you’ve all been waiting for: Seaton Magic!’ Robyn gestures to the back of the stage.
I turn down the lights, leaving only a faint blue light for the lads to assemble on stage.
They all stand in formation, just like in auditions. Barkley turns up the audio dial and the opening notes of ‘The Greatest Show’ hum from the speakers. I hit the auto-cue for their act and let the lighting board take the wheel. The boys slam their feet down as the lights perfectly sync up with the music. I quickly stand up and take control of the spotlight, aiming it at West as he mimes along to the opening lyrics.
As the chorus hits, I dart back to the board as the remaining lights burst into life and the boys rip off their shirts! My face beams at everything actually working as planned. Finn and Jack are both whooping at the boys in playful support.
All the girls in the audience are going mad, jumping up off the floor as teachers rush to sit them back down. Mrs Haun takes off from next to me, marching her way over to the audio desk. When two of the boys land face down on the stage and proceed to grind and thrust their crotches into the audience, Mrs Haun audibly screams and picks up her pace. I just about hear her shouting, ‘Turn it off!’
I’m distracted by the dancing for a few moments before Mrs Haun mounts the stage, screaming, ‘Stop, stop, stop!’
She snatches the microphone from an open-mouthed Robyn stood by the side of the stage. The music stops.
‘Okay, okay! Thank you boys. That’s enough of that…’ Mrs. Haun says, now planted in front of the squad as they slowly stop moving.
I stop the lighting automation and bring up the solid warm white lights to make her visible.
The sound of booing reverberates from the audience. It swells in volume to the point where Haun can barely be heard over the audio system. That or Barkley just turned it off.
‘Quiet!’ Mrs Haun shouts at the crowd, as a sprig of her hair breaks loose from her tightly hair-sprayed bob.
The audience falls silent as she stands looking down from the stage.
‘I think that’s all we’ve got time for today everyone,’ she adds before the entire audience erupts in cries of ‘What?! That’s not fair!’ and further booing. Mr Powell even mimes ‘she’s being ridiculous’ to another teacher slyly.
Geri appears from backstage and her face drops, likely realising her Extravaganza will go down in history for all the wrong reasons.
As Mrs Haun tries to continue, the lighting board powers down in front of me and all the lights go off. The audio from the speakers goes out and the heating system overhead whirls to a stop. The audience of kids screams in response. The sound of them all talking and shouting becomes almost too much to bear, before Haun shouts for them to be quiet again.
Silence falls as I try to flip the switches on the lighting board. All dead.
‘What’s going on?’ Jack and Finn clatter up behind me.
‘I don’t know. I don’t have power.’
Barkley’s shadow strides over to the emergency exit, closely followed by Mr Powell clambering over seated students. The lower years all whisper to one another as Mrs Haun’s shadow turns to the lads, giving them a quiet telling-off.
Barkley and Mr Powell open the emergency exit, causing bright white light to flood the hall. Blinking the outdoors into focus, a blanket of white snow covers the ground outside. Snow is still falling at a heavy rate. It only takes one of the Year 8s to shout, ‘Snow!’ before kids start popping up and getting ready to run for it.
‘Woah, woah, you’re not going anywhere! Sit back down!’ Mr Powell says as he jogs back to the audience with his arms out.
‘Alright everyone. Back to your classrooms,’ Mrs Haun announces.
Robyn and Geri make their way back to my desk. Each of them pull up a chair while we watch the lower years clear out. Jack and Finn walk over to join Becky at the audio desk. Once the cold air from outside has filled the hall and most students have cleared, Barkley approaches the girls and I.
‘We’re gonna have to leave everything up. It’s obviously not safe to take everything down without power,’ Barkley says.
‘So, what now?’ Geri asks.
‘Unless the power comes on in the next fifteen minutes, we’ve got to send everyone home. So, I suggest you just go home. Email me if you’re free on the teacher training day to help take some stuff down. Otherwise, have a good Christmas guys.’
‘Thanks miss. You too,’ I reply.
Barkley smiles and waves goodbye as she walks to the back of the stage to tell the other acts the same.
‘Do you wanna lift?’ Robyn asks.
‘Nah, it’s okay. If the roads are bad, I don’t want your mum to get stuck down my street. Thanks though.’
‘Geri?’ Robyn offers.
‘It’s okay hun. Text me later?’
‘Duh.’ Robyn stands up, slings her bag on her shoulder and smiles as she looks over at Noel approaching with his face beaming.
‘Guys! We get to go home!’ Noel announces to the group.
‘We know,’ Geri quips.
Robyn takes him by the arm.
‘Bye guys! See you at New Year’s!’ Robyn calls back.
‘Happy Christmas!’ Noel adds.
Still embarrassed by him calling me out mid-show, I choose not to acknowledge his Christmas wish.
Geri sighs, leans back in her chair and allows her head to thump against the wall.
‘I just wanted it to be perfect,’ she says, defeated.
‘And it was…because we’ll never forget it.’
The others walk over from the audio desk to join Geri and I.
‘You guys taking off too?’ Jack asks.
‘Looks like it,’ I reply.
‘We’ll see you guys for New Year’s, right?’ Jack asks.
‘Of course,’ Geri replies. ‘Hey, Finn, you should come too!’
‘What’s this?’ Finn asks, coming out of an entranced look at his phone.
‘I’m doing a thing round mine on New Year’s Eve. Do you wanna come?’
‘I’d love to!’ he replies, sliding his phone into his back pocket.
Finn catches my eye and I can’t help but smile. He’s officially part of our group now. My smile quickly fades as West and the other lads head our way.
‘How much trouble are you guys in?’ Jack asks West.
‘Who knows?’ West replies. ‘I think the power cut saved us from any real bollocking,’ he adds before pausing to look at me. ‘So, Cam, what did you think?’
The lads behind him exchange quiet laughs and back-handed taps at my disdain.
‘Mhmm,’ I say, not knowing where to look.
Geri and Finn look at one another over me.
‘West, pack it in,’ Geri interjects.
‘What? I’m not doing anything,’ West replies in a high tone.
‘Just take your little gaggle of pricks and kindly piss off,’ Geri says, flicking her hand.
‘Alright, calm down. We’re only playing. Have a good Christmas,’he says sarcastically as the doors funnel him and his entourage out of the hall.
I don’t want to look up. I shouldn’t be dealing with this crap anymore. I hoped this year would be different and that maybe he’d grown up. I guess not.
‘You okay?’ Geri asks, sitting back down.
‘I’m fine.’
Looking up, there’s Finn’s same concern from earlier. He mouths, ‘You sure?’
I nod.
‘Come on, let’s go home,’ I announce, picking up my bag, turning away from them both, and making a beeline towards the exit.
‘Where do you live Finn?’ Geri asks.
‘Do you know where The Red Lion is?’
‘I do.’
‘Well, I’m down the side road there.’
‘Oh, I know where you mean,’ she replies. ‘Do you wanna walk with us? Cam and I are heading that way.’
‘Yeah, sure. I just need to grab my stuff from photography.’
***
As Geri, Finn and I walk into the photography classroom, I acknowledge the unlit red light of the darkroom. The memories of us standing in close contact a few weeks back engulf me. I can’t help but stare at the door as Finn paces across the classroom to gather his things.
‘What’s that?’ Geri asks.
‘The darkroom,’ Finn replies.
‘Our school has a darkroom?’ Geri whispers, leaning into my ear.
I shrug. Finn stuffs various pieces of work into his backpack and shakes it closed.
‘What’re you taking?’ Geri asks.
‘Photography, design technology, geography and chemistry,’ Finn replies.
‘I haven’t seen you in geography?’
‘It didn’t work out with my timetable, so I’m doing it during my free periods. The beauty of moving schools I guess.’
‘Well, if you need any notes or anything, let me know,’ Geri replies, poking and twiddling a mobile piece of art hanging from the ceiling.
While twiddling the piece between her fingers, the fixing falls out of the ceiling tile, crashing the art to the ground with a loud clatter. Her jaw falls open just as fast as her eyes widen. The piece she was holding is still clutched between her fingers, with the attaching string now trailing down to the rubble on the floor.
‘Oh my God!’ Geri shouts.
‘Oh my God!’ I repeat.
‘I’m dead! I’m dead! I’m dead!’ she continues, struggling to find breath.
Finn quickly clambers over the tables like a freerunner and rescues the art from the floor.
‘Don’t worry, it always does that. It’s an ongoing joke with how many times we’ve put it back up,’ Finn says as he pulls out a chair.
Finn stands on the chair and reaches up to pin it back into the ceiling. As he does, the waistband of his boxers appears. I study each letter of the Calvin Klein logo as my mouth begins to water. I flashback to underwear shopping at Marks they’re still the same parents. I just like boys,’ I say, smiling at him and shrugging.
He glances over to receive my conclusion, nods and returns to his boots. I can’t help but feel like that’s not the answer he wanted. I take a deep breath.
‘Why do you ask?’
‘No reason,’ he replies quickly.
I study his brows now sinking over his eyes. I want to check on him somehow, reassure him if I can. I look down at his hand; it’s just hanging there. Alone. Almost presented so. Like, it could be mine if I wanted it. Could he want that? Does he want me to? I straighten my fingers and take in a breath of crisp, cold air. My wrist pivots and begins to reach for him. My elbow separates from my side as my hand draws closer to his. A firmness in the air between us becomes apparent, as if a magnetic force field surrounds our bodies. I can’t tell if it’s pushing me away or pulling me in closer. I relax my hand, and my knuckles find his. They tap together gently as I try to draw another breath in the contact, but my lungs are already full. I panic. I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I try to push through it, but his hand moves away. I almost sigh at the disappointment. I tried, but I think it’s better to change the subject and pretend I didn’t just try to hold his hand without the slightest bit of consent.
Jesus Cam. Get a grip. Divert!
‘Would you rather only ever use a fork or only ever use a spoon for the rest of your life?’ I say spritely.
‘Uh…fork, obviously!’ Finn replies, removing his stare from his boots and throwing me a raised eyebrow.
‘What about soup?’ I jest.
‘I didn’t think about that…’
‘Ah-ha!’
‘No, no! You can drink soup! Ah-ha to you, sir!’
We arrive at the bushed wall that hides my house several would-you-rathers later. While not a blizzard like earlier, snow is gently falling again. I turn towards him to say goodbye and get distracted by the snowflakes landing in his hair.
‘Your hair’s going to get soaked.’
‘I’ll be fine. It won’t take me long to get home.’
I look at his dimples, then up to his hair, then back down to meet his eyes.
‘Here,’ I say as I pull off my woolly hat.
I open the hat over his head and tug it down either side of his ears. Checking that both are suitably tucked in, I find myself stopping in the middle of his face to catch his stare.
‘Thanks,’ he says, as my hands retreat from a gentle pat of his head.
His eyes don’t know where to look and the creases of his lips are pulling at one side. It’s like he’s trying to smile, but something’s stopping him.
‘I guess I’ll see you at Geri’s on New Year’s?’ he says.
‘Yeah. It’s going to be fun.’
The cold envelops my newly exposed ears.
Silence becomes us. The street is empty of cars, and as powder keeps falling, our footprints slowly disappear into the white pavement. I think about saying goodbye and opening the front garden gate, but I don’t want to. Knowing I won’t see him for over a week, I want every second to last.
Finn slides his arms around my waist and pulls my body towards him. I gently glide my palms up his back and hold on to his cold coat. The familiar fabric of his jacket is still almost slippy, but with how he’s holding me this time, it’s like he’ll never slip through my fingers. A squeeze ripples through my torso as he tightens his grip.
Then, as if a secret, he whispers, ‘Happy Christmas Cameron.’
My stomach doesn’t tumble. My heart doesn’t drop. It’s like, in this very moment, I couldn’t feel safer or more content. All I can hear in my head is, Don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go. Alas, the moment comes. I feel the tops of his fingers lift ever so slightly, just enough to allow his hands to slide across my back. I keep my feet where they are. I stay planted while allowing him space to separate himself from me.
Our heads are about to pass, but he slows. Instead of his face appearing back in front of me, I feel every bump in the woolly hat pass over my forehead. His crystal blue eyes reflecting the white landscape punch me in the face. My mouth becomes wet. Instinct takes over as my mind considers the possibility of kissing him. I want it so badly. I want more than a hug; I want him. All of him. A stillness overcomes me as I get lost just looking at him. The feeling of his hands hasn’t left my body; they still hold me firmly on my upper back. I unconsciously look down at his lips and note every crease before I trace his nose and back up to his soul-shattering stare. He stops. He’s stopped. Is this happening?
Our eyes are locked in a quick-step, dancing between one another. His eyes close and he starts moving back towards me. It’s only a millimetre or so, but in reaction, instinct carries me. My eyes close and my upper body leans into him effortlessly. I should be panicking. Why am I not panicking? My heartbeat goes quiet as I take a soft but deep breath. I feel the tip of his icy nose tap the side of mine. We both pause; this is happening. Our noses guide one another closer. His hands, in turn, re-wrap themselves around me, pulling me in slowly. My whole body tenses in his hold. It’s at that moment that our lips find each other. His press into mine firmly, as mine push back just as hard. I never imagined a kiss could be this all-encompassing. It’s like the rest of my body has disappeared and all that matters is maintaining this kiss. The kiss. Holy crap. It’s everything I thought it would be and more. His lips are soft. Smooth, in fact. Falling snow is frozen in place for what feels like minutes.
As hesitation sets in, I gently pull away. My eyes stay closed until we’re far enough apart to see one another properly. Opening my eyes, he’s lost in confusion. My quiet heart sinks at the thought of that being completely unintentional.
‘Sorry,’ he whispers as his arms slip off me. ‘I couldn’t help myself.’
I scan my mind for the words to say, but nothing’s coming. That kiss was everything I wanted. But then again, I still want more. I really don’t want to mess it up now by saying something stupid.
‘I’m glad you did.’
Wow, that was pretty good.
‘If it’s okay, can we…keep that between us? Just for now,’ he asks as his cheeks flush.
I hesitate as my mind runs through a hundred and one calculations. Is this a red flag? If so, I’m colourblind in this moment.
‘Of course,’ I reply reassuringly.
‘I’ll— I’ll text you.’
I nod. He scans me from head to toe. His shoulder begins to turn away before it’s like a lasso catches him and turns him back. He quickly and tightly pulls me into his waist. My hand has to lurch up to catch his torso as he propels another kiss into me with passionate force. Over and over, our lips interlock. Every little question, concern, worry, or mystery about liking him simply evaporates into the winter air between each warming kiss.
After one long press of our lips, Finn props me up and a cheeky grin becomes him.
‘I’ll see you soon,’ he says.
‘Okay. Bye,’ I swoon.
I have to shake my head out of a trance and really concentrate on getting my feet to walk me down the garden path and into the house. The door shuts behind me and the snow quickly melts off my clothes. I feel the overwhelming urge to scream almost burst out of me, before my ears pick up the sound of the TV in the living room. Realising George is probably home, I quietly slip off my shoes and run upstairs. I shake off my coat and pull off my hoodie. I find myself pacing back and forth in front of the sofa.
‘That happened, right? That happened.’
I have to say it aloud to prove I’m not dreaming.
‘He kissed me. We kissed. I kissed a boy. I kissed him!’ I sound insane.
I leap onto my bed and into a rapid shake of all my limbs. I grab a pillow and push it against my face, letting out a loud and excited scream that muffles into the room.