7 Midnight
I’ve probably used every swearword I know a thousand times over. My carpet is beginning to matte from my giddy pacing. What I wouldn’t give to text Geri and Robyn right now and tell them absolutely everything! I can’t believe we fucking kissed!
My phone vibrates.
Sat, Dec 22 - 01:12 AM
Finn: Hi Cam. Listen, I’m really sorry about earlier. I maybe didn’t think before I acted. I don’t regret what happened, but I’m also panicking. Thing is, there’s a lot that I’m dealing with right now and I’m really sorry if I’ve messed things up. I’m low-key freaking out and I don’t know what to do.
All the blood rushes from my head and down to my feet. I re-read it again to make sure I didn’t miss a word that would somehow change the whole context of the message. Grasping the phone tighter, I sink onto the end of the bed. I stare at the carpet as I try to get some feeling back into my limbs.
Now what? I sigh.
‘Well,’ I say to myself.
Taking a deep breath, I begin typing.
Sat, Dec 22 - 01:15 AM
Me: Don’t worry. I won’t say anything. It can be like it never happened.
The last thing I want to do is pretend the kiss didn’t happen, but it feels like the right thing to say. Suddenly, it’s like all the happiness that kiss created has just morphed into some black smoke that’s clouding my mind.
***
‘Happy New Year!’ Geri’s parents shout as they open the door to Robyn and I.
‘Oh for crying out loud,’ Geri mutters from inside.
‘Happy New Year!’ Robyn and I reply in unison.
We shuffle into the house as Sue helps Robyn take off her coat and Paul offers us a drink. Geri’s house isn’t exactly built for entertaining, but if the five of us ever meet up, we tend to do it here. Her parents are happy to hide in the conservatory as we take over the living room.
‘Thanks Paul. I’ll have a coke please,’ I say to Geri’s dad.
‘You can have something stronger if you like?’ He winks and pokes my stomach.
‘I’m okay, thanks.’
‘Suit yourself,’ he replies, walking off into the kitchen.
Geri and her dad revolve around one another in the hallway. She opens the living room door opposite the stairs and gestures us inside. Robyn passes in front and into the living room. Just as I’m about to pass, Geri puts her hand on my chest, stopping me in my tracks. I look at her out of confusion as she leans in to whisper.
‘What’s going on with you?’ she asks.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re not replying to messages, you’ve fobbed me off twice over Christmas and you haven’t posted online since the Extravaganza. Out with it!’
‘I’m fine. Really, I’m—I just haven’t been on my phone much.’
Truth is, I’m not fine. Not by a long shot. I debated cancelling tonight when the thought of seeing Finn again began knotting my stomach. After we kissed, I was floating on air. I had six hours of beautiful bliss and excitement, as every aching wish I’d had for the past three months was all validated in one romantic moment. However, for nothing, it seems.
Making ourselves comfortable in the lounge, Geri’s dad comes in cradling three drinks. The doorbell rings.
‘I’ll get it!’ Sue sings as she jogs to the door. ‘Happy New Year!’ she shouts.
I listen to Jack and Becky filing in. As they pass Geri’s dad, he offers them both a drink and my stomach settles, assuming Finn isn’t with them.
‘Oh, hello, we haven’t met,’ Sue says, causing my bum cheeks to clench.
‘Hi, I’m Finn.’
His silky, deep voice dances over the others making small talk around me.
‘Nice to meet you mate! I’m Paul, and this is Susanne.’
‘Everyone calls me Sue.’
‘Can I get you a drink?’ Paul asks. ‘We’ve got beer, wine, coke, all sorts.’
‘I’ll have a coke please,’ he replies before he’s obviously directed into the living room and emerges through the doorway.
‘Hi guys.’ He shyly raises his hand to Geri and Robyn, who are sitting on the adjacent sofa.
‘Happy New Year!’ they both reply.
From where I’m sat, he hasn’t clocked me yet. The side table and lamp are just tall enough to hide me from his peripheral. This gives me precious seconds to form a fake smile.
‘Hey Cam,’ he says, turning to notice me.
‘Hi.’
My heartbeat increases as I wonder if he’ll sit in the empty space next to me. He looks down at the sofa cushion before it disappears under Becky. Jack follows and takes the seat next to her. Finn backs away and scans the floor for somewhere to sit.
‘Here you go Finn,’ Robyn says, pulling out a beanbag from beside the sofa.
‘Thanks.’ He falls back into the beanbag with a loud puff.
Our eyes meet across the room briefly as he mouths, ‘You okay?’
I reply with a closed-mouth smile and nod. Beyond a ‘Happy Christmas’ exchange on Christmas day, we haven’t texted much over the break. Seeing him, I want to pounce across the room, wrap him in a hug and kiss him repeatedly. However, this annoying voice in my head is telling me to stop it.
But as he sits there, knees almost up to his chin in the beanbag, his Adam’s apple twitching with everything he says, his fringe curling perfectly over to one side, I want him more than ever. My stomach knots, imagining an alternative timeline where we’re sat next to each other. I could have rested my knee on his if it wasn’t for Becky’s annoyingly perky arse beating him to it. I could’ve put my hand against his. I could’ve studied the pattern of his veins. I could’ve playfully touched his thigh. But that’s not happening. He’s there, and I’m here. And yet, I can still feel him. I can still remember the kiss. How it felt, how it tasted, how it made me tense. I’m tensing now just seeing his hands and being reminded of how they felt on my body. But he’s there, and I’m here. Close, but not close enough.
***
Just as the credits roll on the first movie of the night, Sue pokes her head through the door to ask Geri out into the hall.
‘We’re off now. We’ll be home about 1 AM. There are drinks in the fridge and I’ve left fifty quid for pizza on the side. Don’t drink too much please.’
‘We won’t,’ Geri replies.
‘Happy New Year everyone!’ Sue calls through the door.
‘Happy New Year!’ we all reply.
The front door closes and Geri makes her way back into the room.
‘Anyone want a drink?’ she offers.
‘I’ll have another coke—Actually, can I have a beer please?’ Finn asks.
‘Course you can!’
‘I’ll have a beer too please,’ Jack says, poking his head over Becky to be seen.
‘Becky? Robyn?’ she asks.
They both reply, ‘Same again.’
‘I’ll give you a hand,’ I say, pushing myself off the sofa and walking out with Geri into the kitchen.
Geri opens the fridge and pulls out a few bottles. I hang in silence as I wait to be needed. She slides herself across the kitchen tiles in her socks, opens a drawer and reveals a bottle opener.
‘Seriously, what’s up?’ she says, aggressively beheading each bottle cap one by one.
‘I’m fine.’
‘If you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, that’s fine. But don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re clearly not. I’ve known you since we were five years old. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.’
For a moment, the urge to buckle washes over me. Words start lining up in my mouth to tell her everything. That is until Finn’s message comes to mind and they’re erased from my tongue. I avert my eyes and look down at the beheaded bottles.
‘It’s nothing,’ I timidly say.
‘Did something happen?’ she asks, scooping the bottle caps across the counter and into the bin beside her.
Words start lining up again before—
‘Hey, Geri, can I use your loo?’ Finn’s head emerges through the kitchen doorway.
‘Sure, it’s upstairs, first door on the left,’ she directs, looking over my shoulder.
My ears take over as I face away from the door. I feel every muscle in my body tense up until it slowly relaxes at the sound of him running up the stairs. Geri, however, must’ve seen the panic in my eyes as she positions herself to face me. Her stare narrows.
‘Why are you being weird around Finn?’ she whispers.
‘Nothing happened! I’m fine!’ I assert before hoisting three bottles off the counter and turning away.
‘Cam—’ she tries, before I power-walk out of the room.
I place Geri’s drink down and hand Jack his beer. I look to my seat, but Robyn is now sitting there, showing Becky something on her phone.
‘Sorry! I can move,’ Robyn says, noticing me.
‘No, it’s okay,’ I say, sitting down in her seat on the two-seater across the room.
Geri returns with the remaining bottles and a pizza leaflet dangling from her fingers. She brings her bottled hands down between Becky and Robyn as they both take their drinks.
‘Let me know what you want and I’ll put the order in. I suspect it’ll take a while tonight.’
Instead of placing Finn’s bottle down beside the beanbag, she places it on the coaster on the other side of the two-seater. I realise what she’s doing. She avoids my eye contact before dropping herself onto the beanbag, her drink subsequently lapping out of the bottle slightly.
I hold my breath for a moment while listening to Finn’s footsteps descend the staircase. Entering the room, Geri catches his attention.
‘Your drink’s over there Finn,’ she says, pointing to the side table.
I pretend to watch what’s on tele. He looks down at the empty seat next to me, then at me. Our eye-line briefly connects before I feel the sofa cushion beneath me jolt up slightly in him sitting down. His force field interacts with mine; the static from his skin makes the hairs on my arm prickle. My heartbeat’s pulsing in my eardrum again, getting louder and louder with each passing minute.
‘Boys, what do you want on your pizza?’ Robyn asks from across the room.
‘I’ll have a chicken supreme please,’ Finn replies.
‘Same for you Cam?’ Geri asks.
I nod.
‘Just no mushrooms.’ Finn and I say in unison.
We look at one another. His eyes twinkle as we smile.
‘That was weird,’ Becky laughs.
‘You hate mushrooms too?’ he says.
‘Yeah, they’re like the slug of the vegetable world.’
He laughs through his nose and smiles before it dissipates into a neutral expression. Our hands rest on either side of the gap between sofa cushions. I’m not going to leap over the gap, but I wish he would. Having contact with just a part of him would be enough right now. All of him might not be a possibility anymore. But even to have our fingers rest between one another…that’d be enough. Although, maybe enough will never be enough.
***
‘Wait! Wait! Wait! We need party poppers!’ Geri slurs as she runs out of the room.
‘They’re starting the countdown!’ Robyn shouts, sitting cross-legged in front of the TV, slowly swaying from side to side with every sip of her cider.
Finn and I are each sat with our feet up on the sofa. A couple of times, our toes have accidentally touched. The first time was on purpose. The second and third times were also on purpose…But the fourth time was by accident. Unless he did it on purpose. Now, our toes lie only a finger width apart. We’ve been sat this way for over an hour, closer, but still not close enough. Neither of us dares to move. It’s like we’re in a silent standoff. The blood has drained from my right leg, but being this close to him makes it all worth it. I’ve wiggled my toe once or twice to invite him to close the gap, but he hasn’t. And yet, the electricity that travels through that finger-width distance makes this better than nothing.
‘Geri! Hurry up!’ Becky calls out the door.
‘I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming!’ Geri shouts, clattering in with a bag of party poppers. She circles the room, spooning us each a couple as she frantically takes her place next to Robyn.
We watch the countdown on BBC1 tick down from sixty seconds. My heart jumps out of my chest in the decreasing numbers. Finn slowly unravels his feet from underneath him and lowers them off the sofa. I, in turn, uncross my legs and sit upright next to him. The rest of the gang begins calling out the numbers loudly from twenty. Finn and I, however, are silent. Approaching the final ten seconds, our eyes meet. A ripple courses through my body as he glances down at my neck.
His hand emerges and slides over the sofa cushion towards me. Clocking this, I look up to him for some confirmation. He’s looking towards the screen, but his hand keeps moving. My fingertips slide down my thigh and gently brush along the sofa’s fabric. Then, the gap. The gorge. I hesitate to jump my fingers over and instead rest them on the hem of the cushion. But then his hand jumps. It jitters over the gap and slides in next to mine. Our little fingers hesitantly meet; my hand twitches as my circulation stops. I feel my lungs fill with a deep breath as I contemplate withdrawing.
Before I have time to decide though, I feel his fingers slowly roll over mine one by one. Only when all his fingers have gently passed over every finger do they journey underneath my palm and he takes my hand in his. I don’t look down in case this is all a misunderstanding. If this is all my imagination’s creation, and he’s really just looking for loose change in the sofa, I’ll take it. However, the warmth and strength of his big hand reassures me that this is very intentional.
‘Three…two…one…Happy New Year!’ they all shout, throwing their hands in the air and pulling their party poppers, sending a loud crackle around the room.
As the clock hits midnight, Finn squeezes my hand tighter. His hold is confident, but his eyebrows are anxious.
‘Happy New Year,’ he says, with a charming smile, before unravelling our hands and pulling a party popper above my head.
‘Happy New Year,’ I reply.
On the other sofa, Jack and Becky are locked in a passionate necking. It’s almost like the rest of us aren’t here. Finn’s face is white and his eyes glassy. His body sinks into the sofa. His eyes look towards me, but not at me. I don’t know where to look and I don’t know what to think.
***
‘Thanks for coming guys,’ Geri says, propped up against the banister. Her eyes flicker to open wide enough to see us.
‘See you on Monday,’ Robyn says, draped over the stairs, ready to ascend to her blow-up bed in Geri’s room.
‘Make sure she drinks some water,’ I say to Geri.
‘Duh,’ she replies, as the smell of Smirnoff tarnishes her breath.
‘And make sure you drink some water too,’ I add, wafting the space in front of my nose.
We all pass a few more ‘Happy New Years’ between ourselves as Finn, Jack, Becky and I all wrap up and file out. Jack’s mum waves from the car. Jack helps Becky into the back before he closes the door behind her and circles around the white headlights to get in the passenger seat.
‘Do either of you want a lift?’ Jack asks.
‘I’m okay thanks. It’s not a long walk,’ I reply.
‘I’m gonna walk too. Thanks though,’ Finn says as he claws some gravel out of his boot treads.
His coat briefly brushes my arm before he grabs my biceps to steady himself. I dance my eyes through his hair whilst he’s distracted.
With the other two driving off, I know Finn’s house is the other way. Should I try talking to him now that we’re alone? Words escape me as I explore him standing back up next to me.
‘Is it okay if I walk you home?’ he asks.
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I want to.’
‘Okay,’ I say as butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach, and I repeat the words ‘I want to’ in my head, over and over again.
Part of me was hoping he would just go home. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what he has to say.
‘So…’ he starts.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
‘I think I owe you an apology,’ he continues.
I’m too busy rehearsing every possible scenario in my head to pay attention to his actual words. Only the feeling of his stare drilling into the side of my head is enough to make me quickly glance his way and allow him to continue.
‘For what?’ I reply sheepishly.
‘For not messaging you since the day of the Extravaganza. And for not explaining myself.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘It’s not though. And I feel like I should have told you all this before we…you know…’
‘Kissed?’
‘That.’ His expression sinks in our shiver-inducing strides.
For a moment, he darts between each of my inquisitive eyes before he turns forward, slides his hands into his pockets and takes a deep breath.
‘Can I tell you something?’ he asks.
‘Sure?’
‘We didn’t move here because of my dad’s work.’
This wasn’t one of the several scripts I’d written for this conversation. My lost expression coaxes him to continue as he struggles to find the words.
‘We moved here because my dad found out I was gay and basically disowned me.’
As the last words tumble out of his mouth, my heart pops. All my preconceptions are erased as his eyes begin to glisten more than usual.
‘What? Why?’ I ask sympathetically.
His Adam’s apple swallows a couple of times.
‘I didn’t come out to him. He just found out through a friend’s dad. I knew he probably wouldn’t take it well, but…he just lost it. Said I wasn’t any son of his. He even tried to bribe me straight.’
‘He did what?!’
‘He said I’d be cut out of the will and he’d never speak to me again. To that, I flipped out. I didn’t know what to say or where to go. I just shoved him into the fridge and stormed out. He and Mum got into a big fight and we moved out the next day while he was at work.’
‘Finn?’ I say as my heart shatters and reforms over and over.
I take the underside of his forearm with my hand and softly pull him to a stop.
As he stops and faces me, a tear breaks loose and rolls down his cheek.
The hugging urge takes over and my arms envelop him, bringing his head into my shoulder.
His arms creep up my back to hold himself up. In doing so, he opens the floodgate he’s likely been holding closed for a while.
I feel so stupid for having painted so many ugly pictures of this very scenario. It doesn’t explain everything, but it explains a lot.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, slowly standing back up and wiping his cheek with his sleeve.
‘You don’t need to be sorry.’
‘No, I do!’
His full eyes are now looking more ‘angry sad’ than ‘sad sad.’
‘You don’t deserve to be messed around! This is all his fault!’
‘Whose fault? Your dad’s?’
‘Yeah?! Why did I have to move? Why do I have to come out all over again?! The last time I did, it ruined everything. And now, I’m messing you about, and I like you so much! I just feel like I’m fucking everything up again, and I’m so, so sorry! You didn’t ask to get involved with the guy who’s voluntarily climbed back in the closet and locked the door behind him!’ He rallies off through tearful gasps for air, occasionally sniffing when he catches his breath. ‘I wasn’t ready to come out. I’m still not ready. And I’m just sorry. It’s not fair. I haven’t been fair.’
‘Finn,’ I say, taking each of his shoulders in my hands. ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise. So you’re not ready to come out? It’s okay,’ I say, ducking my head up and under to catch his eyes and smile at him reassuringly. ‘These things, they take time. And, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. It’s as simple as that.’
He sobs a few more breaths before he cracks a smile through his wet lips. ‘I am sorry, though.’
‘Okay, enough with the sorries.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I swear to God!’ I exclaim before we both chuckle between ourselves.
I bring my hands up to his face and wipe his tear tracks with my thumbs.
‘So, you like me eh?’ I say, sharing a cocky look through my eyebrows.
‘Did I say that?’ He pauses with a stunned look.
‘You did…’
‘Oh… Well, I do.’
‘You do?’
‘I do.’
We laugh at our phrasing.
‘Well…’ I pause to add some tension. ‘I like you, too.’
‘You do?’
‘I do.’
Finn coughs out the last few breaks in his throat as a grin becomes him. He fills his lungs with the night air and faces the dark path ahead. We each take a tentative step forward before walking in stride.
Passing the entrance to the village green, he glances at the now out-of-date advertisement for the Bonfire Night fireworks. I catch him smiling before he looks down and takes my hand in his. His palm in mine feels like taking hold of a fresh cup of tea. It’s warm, it’s comfortable and it’s reassuring. Holding his hand is now my favourite thing in the entire world. No more sofa cushion gaps to separate us. At least, I hope not.
‘There’s something else,’ he says, interrupting my mind currently scripting our fantasy future.
‘Yeah?’
‘At midnight, I really wanted to kiss you,’ he softly confesses, squeezing my hand ever so slightly tighter.
‘I wanted to kiss you too,’ I reply.
The two of us blush back and forth for a few more steps before I choose to take it upon myself to stop and use his hand as an anchor.
‘Five, four, three, two, one…’ I say before pulling him towards me with our locked hands.
My other hand rests on his hip as my toes lift me taller to allow us to kiss. This kiss is not unbuckling, and the world doesn’t stop spinning. This kiss is passionately but gently reassuring. Reality begins to slip away with each notch of increasingly familiar firmness. Instinct then surprises me. Without rehearsal or communication, our tongues interlock in the space between breaths. I thought kissing him was good, but it’s got even better by some miracle! I want to focus, but then try not to focus too hard for fear of ruining the rhythm. Suddenly, his arm jettisons me towards him.
This is what making out must be. Struggling to find air between kisses and our tongues dancing between our teeth.
The joy in this moment is indescribable. It’s like my body has found its missing half and knows how to work with everything.
Begrudgingly backing out from him, he laughs through his nose.
‘That… that was good.’
I’m too dazed to form a response. I’m trying to find my balance, having landed back on my feet. Tingles run up and down my body as I feel drunk, delirious and aroused all at the same time. I smile and nod. Then jump up to kiss him again.
‘Yep. Very good,’ I say.