9 Cards on the Table
Robyn’s been a shell of herself all week. Geri and I have been watching her like a hawk and taking it in shifts to make sure she doesn’t put herself in a Ben it was like it always was. However, I realised more and more who he was around the lads, who he was actually becoming.’
‘So, when did you…’
‘Sorry. Yes, anyway. There was this day when I went round his house during the summer holidays. I wanted to get back some of my games he still had. And that day was awesome. It was just us; we hung out, played on the PlayStation, rode our bikes to the pond…On that day, we were Cam and Gabe again. Just like in the good ole days. Stupidly, I brought up how he was around the lads. I asked him why he picked on me and said I missed hanging out with him. He didn’t answer me. But he did kiss me. And while it was surprising, it felt good. One thing led to another, and we ended up doing stuff.’
‘How much stuff?’ Geri asks.
‘Not everything. But enough.’I trap my bottom lip in my teeth. I exhale and bring myself back from spiralling. ‘Anyway, after that and once we’d got back to school, it’s like he was a completely different person and we’d never been friends before. That’s when all the crap really started with the lads.’
‘Have you asked him about it since?’
‘I wouldn’t dare. The only words he’s said to me since would be categorised as verbal abuse.’
‘I’m back!’ Finn’s voice echoes from downstairs. The closing of the front door quickly follows.
I open my door enough to call back, ‘We’ll be down in a minute!’
‘What a dick!’ Geri states firmly.
‘Who? Finn?’
‘No, not Finn, you pillock. West.’
‘Oh, yeah.’
I stare at the wall.
‘Are you okay?’ she asks, reading my body language.
‘I’m fine. He’s just a wanker.’
‘Well, you would know.’
‘Geri!’
‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist,’ she says, laughing.
The joke settles and she prompts me to continue.
‘While I don’t understand it, I miss when we were friends. But I still genuinely hate him. It’s like my body physically recoils when I see him, but I can’t not focus on him while also wanting to be as far from him as possible. Sorry, I know that doesn’t make any sense.’
‘No. I know exactly what you mean.’
‘You do?’
‘Yeah, but we’ll talk about that another time. As much as I would love to stay up here all night and chat, you have a very hot boyfriend downstairs.’
‘Oh, we’re not boyfriends yet,’ I say to correct her.
‘You’re not?’
‘No. At least I don’t think so.’ I narrow my eyes to think about it for a second until I realise this will take longer than we have time for right now. ‘Come on, let’s get this downstairs. One, two, three…lift!’ I hoist the mattress into the air.
‘I still can’t believe his first name is Gabriel. I always thought it might’ve been something like Matthew or Piers. Maybe Ross—’
‘Geri! Now is not the time!’ I say, with a double mattress currently pushing me into the wall.
Geri and I fumble down each step, pushing and pulling either end of the mattress. We nearly catapult a family photo off the wall as we turn the corner to descend the final set of stairs, whilst Finn laughs at us making total tits of ourselves. He offers to help, but Geri is her usual defiant self and refuses to relinquish to a man.
Dropping the mattress down to the floor near Robyn, doesn’t even muster a glance from Jimmy, but Rosie looks up to give us an accusing do you mind? sort of stare. I jog back upstairs to get the pillows and duvet. In the silence of my slightly dismantled room, I take a moment to breathe. Reliving that story about West was more intense than I thought it’d be. I’ve played it over and over in my head for years, but saying it out loud was something else entirely.
I throw my pyjamas on and carefully feel my toes over the dark carpeted stairs to return to the living room.
‘Sorry, Rosie’s taken your place Cam,’ Finn says, lying on one side of the mattress with Rosie sprawled out on the other.
‘Um! Excuse me madam!’ I say to Rosie.
I throw the duvet up and apart to settle it over Finn and Rosie. Rosie, in turn, bobs her head repeatedly to find her way out of the covers and off the mattress. Robyn’s fast asleep and wheezing, only tossing or snoring when one of us makes a loud noise. Geri’s sprawled herself out on the three-seater sofa.
I kneel down as Finn raises his head to receive a pillow and smiles in thanks. I place the other pillow down next to him and feel around my waist to find the ends of my pyjama strings. Pulling the waistband tighter, Finn watches my fingers intently. I notice my top is riding up slightly against my forearm. I pull a bow tight and straighten my top, pulling it back down to cover my obliques.
‘Right, night you lot!’ Geri announces, leaning up from the sofa to smack the light switch above her head.
With the light off, the room becomes a blue and grey shadow painting. The only hint of colour comes from the orange street lamps outside, projecting themselves on the edges of the drawn curtains. I inhale deeply to give myself the confidence to pull up the duvet and settle in next to Finn.
‘Night guys!’ I call into the room.
‘Night…’ Robyn mumbles.
‘Good night,’ Finn adds.
I’m lying like I’m on a stretcher and my limbs have been belted to a board. The conflict of wanting to hold him battles with my fears of touching another human in my own bed. Even if it is on the living room floor, and even if he is the sexiest, friendliest, loveliest man alive. I want to cuddle up to him so badly. But I also don’t want to make the girls uncomfortable.
Suddenly, an interruption stops my mind spiralling. Finn rolls his body onto his side to face me. Even in the dark, I can feel his eyes drilling into the side of my head. I stare up at the ceiling, wondering what to do. Does he want to cuddle me too? Should I roll into him? Is that too forward? Will the sound be weird if Geri hears too much rustling of covers? Oh God. Why did he stay?
I wait a couple of minutes, then build myself up to close my eyes and roll onto my side to face him. I slowly peek through my eyelashes to see him seemingly asleep. I take a moment to enjoy his wavy hair drooping down over his forehead. His face is hard to make out but clearly every bit of handsome as I know it to be. He slowly opens his eyes to catch me running over his every feature. I choose not to retreat and just hold a meaningful stare with him. The butterflies in my stomach conjure up an unintentional creasing smile. He mirrors my expression.
The duvet lifts in the corner of my eye. In the cover raising, a space opens up next to Finn. In peering down into the void, Finn’s arm is holding up the covers to invite me in next to him. My hips don’t give me time to think, and I instinctively wriggle over the mattress to slide in next to him. I place an arm over his waist. He drops his arm to wrap me up and pull me in towards him. I nuzzle my head into his collarbone before I instantly realise that it’s incredibly uncomfortable. I hold my bony discomfort for a minute so as not to seem too weird moving so soon. I then move myself up slightly, simultaneously running my hand up his back to allow my head to rest comfortably on the same pillow as him.
This close to Finn, I can’t make out anything. It’s pitch black. However, my other senses have taken over and heightened in the absence of sight. The smell of his cologne, the feeling of his hair resting on my forehead, his fingers beginning to dance and ripple over my shoulder. His fingertips tickle slightly and send goosebumps shooting up and down my spine.
Finn rolls onto his back. His hand gently leans against my shoulder, asking me to follow his lead. His other arm buries underneath me and he pushes up the pillow to hook me into the crook of his arm. I, in turn, roll into him, allowing my arm to now fall over his chest and my hand to slide up each notch of his ribcage, feeling the soft creases of his pyjamas bump by bump. My head has no choice but to rest itself on his collarbone again. However, unlike before, it’s like my head was perfectly moulded to slot into this part of his body. As my leg passes over his to rest comfortably against him, the sound of his heartbeat warms my soul from the inside out.
With each beat, my body relaxes a bit more, as if his heartbeat is literally draining my energy. That notion would sound frightening and I feel like I should be scared in some way. I’m not though. If anything, I’ve never felt safer in my entire life.