14 Business
Emerging from the makeshift exam hall, I fill my lungs with fresh air and let my fried brain rest.
‘Well, that was horrible.’ Geri approaches me from behind.
‘Tell me about it. You got any water left?’
‘Sure.’
She hands me her water bottle for a swig. I wipe my lip dry, then my forehead.
‘I thought we had bloody air conditioning!’ Robyn joins us in the shaded courtyard.
‘So did we,’ Geri says.
Geri unbunches her hair, whilst Robyn lifts up her gathered braids to let her neck catch the breeze.
Finn emerges from the hall’s double doors. His eyes are dark, his hair pushed out of place by stressed fingers, and his dimples are just a distant memory.
Geri sees me looking and twists her shoulders to see him herself. In Robyn also joining, he spots the three of us. He adjusts his backpack and walks around the corner.
‘Go after him,’ Robyn says.
‘It’s not that simple,’ Geri answers for me.
My fingers start to tap against my thigh, followed by my foot tapping involuntarily.
‘Come on. Let’s go inside,’ Geri says.
She places her hand on my arm and leads me into the common room. The three of us take a seat at an empty table. The mental exhaustion drains me to the surface as I plant my head in the crook of my arm. Geri and Robyn fall quiet for a moment before talking their way back through the exam.
In the dark of my small cavern, my mind flips from Finn’s face to the lads’. Each time I think about it, the picture is slightly different. Whether the lads said anything, what exactly I said, how Finn reacted, or what I said to Noel, it gets harder and harder to find the missing piece, the one that will fix all of this. One thing’s for sure though: the lads definitely heard. Even if they only heard part of the sentence, I’m sure West would have been more than happy to fill in the blanks.
To date, only two people have had the nerve to do the whole ‘is it true’ thing. Helen heard I kissed Finn in the canteen and then openly shouted he was my boyfriend. Zara heard I tried to punch Noel after he called Finn a ‘butt muncher.’ I’ve heard other versions in passing. I suspect purposely loud enough for me to feel motivated to tell the actual story.
‘Hey guys,’ Noel’s voice interrupts my cavernous thoughts.
‘What the hell do you want?’ Robyn cuts in.
I lift my head from the table and blink the brightness out of the room.
‘Cam, I need to talk to you.’
‘I think you’ve done enough,’ Geri says.
He diverts from Geri to look at me. I look back briefly before shying downward to avoid his eyes burning through my face.
‘You can go,’ Robyn says.
His body leaves out the corner of my eye and the girls lean in towards me.
‘You okay?’ Geri rubs my shoulder.
My hands cup over my face to hide me from the rest of the room. I rub my fingers into my eyes and then pull them down my cheeks.
‘Yeah,’ I muster before looking up at the ceiling tiles.
‘Shall we go back to mine?’ Geri asks.
I nod and try a smile.
‘Come on then,’ Robyn says.
The last time I was at Geri’s was the day everything blew up. I knew she was on study leave, so when I bolted, I knew I could find refuge at her house without spiralling alone at home. I told her everything, including West and Noel setting me up in the darkroom. We use the walk to Geri’s as an opportunity to bring Robyn up to speed now that the chemistry exam is out of the way. I mostly let Geri do the talking, so I don’t have to comb over every detail as I replay it. I walk with my hands in my pockets, slightly behind them, Robyn turning and cursing at each revelation.
‘So, wait, did Finn actually ask you to meet him in the darkroom?’ Robyn asks.
‘No, West wrote the note and got a Year 8 to give it to Cam,’ Geri says.
‘What the hell?!’ Robyn exclaims.
I raise my eyebrows, fold my lips and shrug.
‘Wait, how do you know West wrote the note and not Noel?’ Robyn enquires further.
‘Come on Rob. You’ve seen Noel’s handwriting. It’s like his parents taught him calligraphy as a kid.’
‘That’s true.’
‘Plus, West has all the sensibility of a seven-year-old, so it stands to reason his handwriting would be just the same.’
That actually manages to get a laugh out of me.
‘There he is.’ Geri playfully shoves me.
I stumble sideways a couple of steps at the push.
‘But what about Finn? Does he know about the whole darkroom thing?’
‘I didn’t tell him. I should have.’ My head dips slightly.
‘No. We’re not doing that,’ Geri interrupts as we approach her front door.
‘Doing what?’ I ask.
‘Blaming yourself for what is clearly the work of a narcissistic, sexually confused sociopath. You’ve done nothing wrong.’
Geri puts her key into the lock.
‘No, because if I hadn’t said anything, if I hadn’t shouted it in the bloody hallway, Finn would still be—’
‘Finn would still be in the closet, blah, blah! Yes, you’ve said,’ Geri interrupts my rambling spiral, pausing on the door handle. ‘However, if you hadn’t said anything, West would’ve outed him anyway. I’m sure in a more devastating fashion than you mistakenly did. Finn would’ve inevitably spun out just as hard, if not harder; you’d be blaming yourself for not having broken up with him, and ultimately, we’d be in a very similar situation. Anyway, you wouldn’t of had to go chasing after Finn if West hadn’t tried to kiss you and Finn hadn’t planned to beat the crap out of him for doing so. This whole situation is not your fault.’
Geri rounds up her points with a finger, completes unlocking the door, pushes it open and steps inside. Robyn follows behind her, pausing at me.
‘She’s right you know,’ Robyn says.
I look down at the welcome mat and replay her words in my mind. I think, and think some more. Holy shit. She is right.
‘But what if I’d—’ I say, stepping into Geri’s house.
‘But nothing.’ Geri takes my arms to hold me in front of her. ‘Cameron Jonathan Hawkins, I love you to pieces. But please, snap out of it. This is not your fault.’ She releases me.
‘Not even a little bit?’
‘Not even a little bit!’ she shouts, heading into the kitchen and pointing into the air.
If she’s right, then what am I doing? If it’s not all my fault, then there’s a chance I can fix this.
‘I’ve gotta go!’ I shout into the kitchen.
‘Go where?’ Geri’s head emerges through the doorway.
‘I’ve gotta try fixing this!’
I throw open the front door and jog down the garden path. Before long, I might as well be running through the village. My bag thumps against my lower back through the alleyways, across the park and past The Red Lion pub. Approaching Finn’s house, I pause in my step.
‘What am I doing?’ I ask myself.
Screw it! I’ve gotta try.
I pick up my pace and step down to his front door. My hand jitters too much to ring the doorbell. I knock on the distorted glass window. Waiting, my head feels like it’s swelling. There’s movement behind the glass, but I’m left waiting.
‘Just a second,’ Finn’s mum calls through the door.
Her voice allows me to lower my internal stress by one octave. I watch her blurred hand put a key in the door and unlock it. She opens the door and looks up at me.
‘Oh. Hi, Cameron,’ she says softly.
‘Hi, Ruth. Is uh…is Finn here?’
She clamps her lips together briefly.
‘I’m afraid now’s not a good time,’ she says, tilting her head and glancing back into the house briefly.
I look past her, but don’t see him.
‘Oh. Okay…Sorry to bother you.’ I dip my head in defeat.
She sympathetically nods and goes to close the door as I step away. I turn back.
‘Could you—’
She stops closing the door and reopens it slightly to listen.
‘Could you please tell him I’m sorry? And that I misShim. But mostly that I’m sorry.’
She nods. ‘I’ll tell him.’
***
Twenty-seven messages delivered, but all unread. Four voicemails left, but none replied. It’s been days, and no matter how often I go to school to revise and walk to the photography department, he’s never there. Seaton’s study leave policy means that he doesn’t have to be in school at all now. However, I checked the timetable in the common room, and I know he has a geography exam today. Before the exam’s due to end, I pack up my media stuff and find a spot facing the windows in the common room. As a main through-way to the exam hall, I’m hoping to catch him and at least try apologising in person.
I rapidly tap my pencil on the table over my index finger. I then chew the end of it and bend it with my thumb, almost to the point of breaking. I hold my breath as he walks into the room. I recognise his boots first, then his jeans. Despite the heat, he’s wearing an oversized navy hoodie and hides his face below a green baseball cap. He doesn’t see me as he nears my table. He grabs hold of the handle, about to walk out to the courtyard. In that motion, he looks up and spots me. He lifts his head just enough for his eyes to peer under his cap. I freeze at seeing his expression cold and hesitant. He slowly drops his eyes down, looks at the handle, then pulls it open quickly. He walks out and I lift myself up to watch him walk through the courtyard, praying that he turns back…He doesn’t. I should go.
Treading down the corridor to leave school out the back, I’m careful not to look up and catch anyone’s eye.
‘Cameron?’ Mr Walsh’s voice interrupts.
I look behind me and don’t see him. There’s an open classroom door and I backtrack a few steps to peer inside. He’s there, leaning back through the doorway.
‘Hi sir,’ I say.
If this was any other teacher, I’d have bolted. But I know I don’t have to be anything but myself around him.
‘Come in. I’m just sorting out displays for the GCSE open evening.’
I enter the room to see an array of paper cuttings littering the floor, an open pair of scissors on the table, an uncapped Pritt stick and two large A1 boards with questions written in sharpie about business studies.
‘It looks like the displays are winning,’ I say dryly.
‘Oh, I know. There’s a reason I’m not in the art and design department,’ he says just as sarcastically as I would. ‘Which is ironic because I actually took graphics at A-Level.’
I laugh through my nose at his hopelessness.
‘Can I help?’
‘It’s really fine. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy.’
He holds up a printout of a cartoon beaver holding a briefcase, with a speech bubble that says, ‘Well dam it, I didn’t know business studies could teach me that?’
‘Oh no,’ I say, dropping my bag on the table.
I walk in and gather the various printouts together. I turn the presentation board around to see what he’s written. He comes over to watch me read it before I look down at the cartoon beaver again in his hand.
‘Is it salvageable?’ he asks.
‘I think so. But first, you need to get rid of that.’ I point to the beaver.
‘What?! Not the Business Beaver. He’s the mascot of the whole thing!’
I look at him through a raised eyebrow.
‘The Business Beaver? Beaver Business,’ I say flatly.
‘Okay, now I hear it,’ he concedes.
Mr Walsh follows my lead, handing me various stationary and coloured papers as and when I need them. I manage to jazz up a lot of what he’s already done and adjust the language slightly so it sounds even remotely attractive to an incoming Year 9. He clears away some cuttings whilst I colour in one of the subject headers. Coming back to the table, he reads my relaxed expression.
‘Do you wanna talk about it?’ he asks.
‘Hmm?’
‘Whatever’s on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?’
I rub the pen on the card a couple more times as I consider his offer. I don’t want to bother him with high school drama, but then again, I have just saved his displays. And he offered.
‘Well, do you know Finn?’
‘I know of Finn.’
‘For the past few months, we’ve been kind of seeing each other. And he wasn’t exactly ready to come out. But through my mistake, and frankly my loud mouth, I accidentally outed him. No matter what I do or however hard I try to find a way to fix it, I can’t. He won’t even speak to me. And the whole reason we’re in this mess is because I was actually trying to help him stay in the closet. But I stupidly let West find out and he used that as an opportunity to make my life a never-ending nightmare.’
‘Huh,’ Mr Walsh ponders.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. I just thought you were smarter than this.’
‘Wow. Way to kick a guy when he’s down sir!’ I say with a sarcastic laugh.
‘No, not like that. It just sounds like…I don’t know. Maybe you’ve been trying to control a lot of things that are completely out of your control. Not only that, you’ve taken sole responsibility for the actions, feelings and upset of at least three people.’ He pauses. ‘Am I wrong?’
I shake my head.
‘Right. I’ve known you for a long time, and you are one of the few people in this world that truly has a heart of gold. You yourself even said you outed Finn accidentally. And West? Bloody ’ell. If I had a pound for every time that boy psychologically abused a student, I’d be a very rich man and out of this teaching gig faster than you can say “Business Beaver.”’
I laugh.
‘So, maybe try not to beat yourself around the head with a myriad of problems that are frankly, not your responsibility to fix. Nor in your ability to fix.’
‘So, I should just do nothing?’
‘Exactly.’
I sigh deeply and ponder the concept.
‘But I don’t see how me doing nothing will mean Finn and I end up working things out.’
He looks over at my worry and raises his finger to suggest he’s got an idea. He stands and walks over to his bag atop the front desk. Unzipping it, he removes his phone and comes over to sit back down.
‘See here, this is my husband, Andy.’ He shows me a lock screen wallpaper of him, Andy and a very handsome Husky. ‘We’ve been together for…twelve plus years now. I like to think I’ve learnt a thing or two in that time. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and be there for them. Even if you’d love to try helping, even if it pains you to your very core to just let them ride out whatever it is they’re going through. Doing nothing, is sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love. You’ve just got to be willing to be there for them.’
‘Huh.’ I study his words.
‘What I think would be a good idea, is for you to chat with someone.’
‘Like, a therapist?’
‘Not necessarily. However, I have had great success with my therapist. But even if, for the time being, just find someone, maybe around your age, who’s outside of the equation, doesn’t know any of the players, and you can just talk to.’
I smile to myself and gently nod in understanding. ‘Thanks sir. I think you’re right.’
‘Are you kidding me? I’m always right.’
We both laugh at his lack of subtlety.
‘I think I’m gonna head out. But thanks.’
‘No, no, thank you! My display would be a travesty if it wasn’t for you. I do feel like it’s missing something though…’ He says sliding a piece of paper out of the pile of rubbish.
‘No Business Beaver!’ I point at him.
He fakes a sad face and I stand up to leave. I tug my bag over my shoulder and head out.
‘Good luck!’ I say back to him.
‘You too!’ he shouts out the door.
Rounding the corner, I take my phone out and start scrolling through my contacts. I press call and hold the phone to my ear as I bump the door open with my hip.
‘Hey! Sorry, I know this is pretty random…Are you free this weekend?’