15 Bench
Oxford is looking weird. I’m so used to Mum and Dad bringing us here for Christmas shopping. It looks like a completely different place in the summer. The full green trees that spew out of the dotted university gardens and bright flower beds that line the high street make the whole city seem more alive, more magical. When we came as kids, Grandad once told us to look up as we passed under unassuming shops and offices along the interweaving roads. It’s there you find some of the best architectural marvels of the last few hundred years—gargoyles on bakeries, statues on clothes shops and Tudor beams on coffee shops. The best of Oxford is found when you look up.
I find the shopping centre and wait outside the entrance. My headphones keep me company as I roll my eyes upward and over each building one by one, studying each carving, each plinth, each detail. My mouth hangs ajar as I ponder that people had to actually make all of this.
‘Hello you!’ Emily says, waving down my attention.
‘Hiya!’ I remove my headphones.
We embrace and I’m instantly reminded of how meaningful her hugs feel. My first one in Center Parcs literally saved the entire trip for me.
It doesn’t take us long to start rambling about our geeky interests. We swap our Netflix reviews and obsess over our ‘most listened to’ almost aligning exactly. We find a game in trying to find the gaudiest piece of clothing in each shop we visit. Heading to get coffee, we stumble onto the subject of books.
‘Have you been to Blackwell’s?’ she asks as we collect our coffees from the worktop.
‘No, what’s that?’
She lurches back in a dramatic gasp, clutching my forearm. ‘We have to go! It’s one of the oldest bookshops in the country, and I think it has the largest collection of something or other. I forget the details, but it’s a treasure trove!’
I nod and let her lead the way. It’s on that walk she asks the question I’ve been expecting, but most certainly dreading.
‘So, how’s it going with your fella?’
‘It’s a long story,’ I reply.
‘We’ve got time.’
Through the undercover market and a lengthy detour through Grove Park, I recount the whole story. Emily occasionally says things like: ‘That must have been hard’, ‘How did that make you feel?’ and ‘Did you speak to anyone about it?’ The weird thing is that she doesn’t actually weigh in with her opinion. She doesn’t try to suggest how I could’ve done it better. She just listens. And, like, really listens. In the process, I make some self-observations. I think maybe I shouldn’t have carried as much as I did. And, it might have been easier on me if I just told someone about it, even if it didn’t change the outcome. Maybe it would have been easier somehow…
‘As shit as the whole thing sounds. I think you’ve actually learnt something,’ Emily says.
‘Oh yeah, what’s that?’
‘That you need just as much help as you’re willing to give to other people. Only thing is now, you might actually be willing to ask for it.’
Fuck. In those few words, my whole perspective is shattered into a million pieces. Everything I thought I was doing to help myself, I was actually sabotaging myself.
‘Woah,’ I say.
‘Feels good right?’
‘How did you get so smart?’
‘Trauma, my friend. Lots and lots of trauma.’ She smiles.
I puzzle about whether to smile back at her. She notices my confusion.
‘You know that phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”’ she says.
‘Yeah.’
‘I know that to be all too true. With the caveat, however, that you have to be willing to make changes and adjust your perspective in the process. Are you willing Cam?’
‘Yeah. I think so.’
She smiles and takes my arm in hers. ‘Let’s go buy some books!’
Throughout Blackwell’s, my eyes widen as each room opens up larger than the one before. Books from floor to ceiling across every wall, under countless different headings and rooms that seem to appear from nowhere. We delve deeper into our favourite books, authors and genres. After we get onto the subject of self-help books, Emily tells me about her parents, her uncle and her first girlfriend. It’s then I understand that if she can find a way through all of that and still have a way to smile every day, so can I.
Then, as if the universe has been listening in on my thoughts, a text arrives.
Sat, Jun 08 - 16:42 PM
Finn: Hey x
* * *
‘I’m just taking the dogs!’ I shout into the house.
‘Okay!’ Mum shouts from the kitchen.
Closing the front door behind me, I’m grateful to leave without questions. I pat my pocket to check I’ve got doggy bags, then let Rosie and Jimmy’s leashes slack for the walk to the pond. Their happy bouncing and the warmth of the summer morning kindly distract me. I’ve thought of a million and one ways this could go, but I try my best to repeat what Emily said yesterday: ‘There’s the exact same likelihood of it going well as there is for it going poorly. So really, there’s no point worrying.’ As logical as that phrase is, I’ve done nothing but worry. I was lucky to get two hours of sleep last night and I have the bags under my eyes to prove it. I’ve been ready for at least an hour, just lying on my bed, wishing for time to pass.
Unsurprisingly, I get to the pond about twenty minutes earlier than we said we’d meet. I let the dogs off and they immediately run into the water. I throw their favourite ball several times whilst waiting for Finn. Eventually, the dogs tire and they sit at my feet next to the bench, heavily panting pond water from their tongues. Jimmy leans against my leg and I wince at the slimy wetness of his fur.
‘Hi,’ Finn says.
His boots have been replaced by clean white Nike trainers. He’s wearing an over-sized red t-shirt and black gym shorts. His hair looks just as it did the first day I saw him, his eyes have their blueness back and he dimples at seeing the dogs. Rosie and Jimmy quickly notice him and go running up.
‘No! Rosie! Jimmy! Sorry, they’re wet,’ I say, leaping up from the bench.
He bends down to greet them and tussles their foreheads.
‘They’re alright.’ He smiles at them. ‘Hello you two.’
He flicks some droplets off his hands and then wipes them on his shorts.
‘Hi,’ I say, smiling.
‘Hey.’
‘Do you want to sit down?’ I gesture to the bench.
‘Sure.’
I throw the ball into the pond again, hopefully buying us some time to speak without wet dogs.
‘So, how have you—’
‘I’m glad you—’
We blush and smirk at our fumbling words.
‘You go,’ I say.
‘I’m glad you came.’
‘Me too.’
We each turn to face the pond and wait for someone to take the lead.
‘I know I’ve written it, but I wanted to say it. I really am sorry,’ I say.
‘I know you are,’ he whispers. ‘I’m sorry too.’
‘For what?’
He hesitates and readjusts his t-shirt hanging in his lap. He sits upright.
‘Noel messaged me.’
I sink my eyes into the pond and turn my head away. ‘Oh.’
‘He told me everything.’
‘Everything?’
He nods and scoots up the bench closer to me. He looks down at my hand resting on my thigh. With one hand, he takes my forearm and cranes my hand into his.
‘What West did to you. What West did to us. I want you to know none of it is your fault. And I’m sorry I didn’t give you the opportunity to tell me what happened yourself. I just, freaked out…But you could have told me when it happened.’
‘I should have told you.’
‘I know why you didn’t. And I know the whole thing in the corridor wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stormed off and let my anger get the better of me.’
I squeeze his hand a little in mine. He notices and smiles. He turns his attention to my lips. He hesitates and turns away.
‘How are you?’ I ask. ‘Like, really. How are you?’
He takes a deep breath and sighs. Jimmy runs the ball back to me for another throw. I take it out of his mouth and launch it as far as I can from my seated position.
‘I’m getting there,’ he starts. ‘The day you stopped by, Mum and I ended up having a long conversation. Ultimately, I think there’s a lot I need to work out. But I guess I don’t really know where to start.’
I nod, choosing to say nothing and just let him continue if he so chooses.
‘Which kinda brings me to us,’ he says.
I hold my lungs in their place. He spins to face me, bringing his other hand into our hold.
‘I understand if all of this is too much. And I won’t blame you if you think it might be easier if we just…called it.’
I feel my heart sink into the pond.
‘Is that what you want?’ I ask.
‘I want to know what you want.’
I gather my next words in my mind and smile to myself.
‘I want you. I want all of you. The good, the bad, the to be discovered. And no matter what comes next, I want to be there for you.’
‘I want you too,’ he replies softly.
My chest warms. I clench my jaw in the excitement of knowing he’s still mine. I drop his hands and push my body up and into him. My arms engulf his shoulders and he, in turn, wraps his arms around my waist. His cheeks dimple and his pearly teeth invite me kiss him. I lift my head as he dips his. Our open mouths meet and our tongues glide into one another, pushing together firmly. I’m reminded on how soft his lips are and everything that’s happened since I first kissed these lips. A tear forms in my eye before arousal quickly dismisses it. We kiss again and again. Each time with slightly more force than the last. It’s like we’re trying to get closer than what’s physically possible, or maybe that we’re making up for lost time.
Rosie sighs loudly, causing us to exit from our embrace.
‘Oh, I’m sorry. Is me kissing my boyfriend an inconvenience for you?’ Finn mockingly says to her.
‘Your…boyfriend?’ I say, not believing my own words.
‘Sorry. That was presumptuous of me.’
‘No!’ I blurt.
‘You…want to be my boyfriend?’ he asks through a pinch of his mouth.
I throw myself into him again and kiss him like I’ve never kissed him before. My tongue teases his repeatedly before I almost slip off the bench.
‘Does that answer your question?’ I say.
He smiles, which pushes his nose upward in a cute fashion.
‘I love you,’ he says.
I turn to the dogs, lifting my arms from his shoulders.
‘You hear that? My boyfriend loves me,’ I exaggerate to the dogs, pointing over my shoulder to Finn.
He clamps his arms around me from behind and pulls me backwards into the air. So much so my legs flail in the air. He nuzzles his head into my neck and nibbles my ear.
‘And does my boyfriend love me?’ he whispers, bracing his fingers on my ribs, ready to tickle me if I say something sarcastic.
‘Your boyfriend does,’ I say, dipping my head into his for another kiss.
He pulls back, holding the kiss hostage.
‘And will my boyfriend promise to be honest with me in the future?’
‘Your boyfriend will,’ I reply.
He smiles and interlocks our lips. Rosie sighs again.
‘Yes alright, madam!’ Finn says, picking up the ball and launching it.
I laugh. He smiles. I settle into his arm and bask in the unfamiliar comfort of having a boyfriend I love, that also loves me. A hot one too! I mean, just look at that jawline! Flawless.
***
‘I don’t know if I can do this,’ Finn says.
We stop in our tracks, approaching the school. A couple of lower years have looked our way as they pass through the school gates. I step in front of him to draw his eyes down to me.
‘Whatever you want to do is what we’ll do,’ I say, carrying enough confidence for the both of us.
He looks over my head and his jaw tenses.
‘Let’s do this,’ he says with a defiant nod.
It’s the first day we’re back to regular schedules. Exams have all wrapped and the Year 11s have already finished for the year. We, however, get the joy of starting next year’s courses early. Weee.
‘Morning!’ Geri calls out to us.
I sneakily texted her and Robyn, asking them to meet us outside so he’d have plenty of support walking back into school as a newly ‘out’ person.
‘You ready?’ Robyn smiles.
Finn nods and lowers his hand next to mine. I run my fingers over his shaking palm and tightly secure his hand in mine. Geri takes Finn’s spare arm in hers, and Robyn links with Geri. The four of us walk into school as a team, ready to back Finn up every step of the way. Helen passes in front of us and looks back to confirm she saw Finn and I holding hands. Finn notices and squeezes my hand tighter. The four of us break into twos as we make our way down the main corridor. I catch a couple of people spot us together and whisper between themselves.
Then, the bit I know he’s been dreading. We approach his tutor room and this is a part he’s got to do by himself. He stops in front of the door and re-reads the room number a couple of times over.
‘Okay,’ he says. ‘I’ll…uh…see you at break?’
‘Of course. Meet at the table, yeah?’
He nods, trying his best to hide the fight-or-flight responses battling it out inside him. Geri smacks his chest with the back of her hand, which catches him off guard. She points up to his chin.
‘You listen here, Mr Fi—What’s your middle name?’ She narrows her eyes.
‘It’s James.’ His eyes cross on the tip of her finger.
Geri inhales and starts again.
‘You listen here Mr Finn James Arthur. You are going to walk into that and every room today, as you have every other day of this year. If someone even tries it, you text me, and I’ll make sure it’s the last thing they ever do. You’ve got this.’
Finn nervously nods in response. Geri flares her nostrils, dips her eyebrows inward, makes a fist, and twists it in the air under his chin in a sort of ‘go get ‘em tiger’ gesture.
‘What she said,’ Robyn pipes up.
‘Thanks guys,’ he says, biting his bottom lip.
Geri and Robyn re-link arms and step aside slightly. I step up to him and I dip my head into his collarbone. I hug him as he silently jitters in my hands. I squeeze him a little tighter to stabilise him. I wait until his fingers relax, as I don’t know how long he needs this hug to last. His hands slide over my back and his face almost makes me want to cry.
‘Everything’s going to be fine,’ I say.
His chest deflates a little in those words. He looks down the corridor and behind himself to check no one’s coming. He leans down slightly and pecks me on the lips.
‘I love you,’ he whispers.
‘I love you too.’
I don’t want to let him go, but I know I have to. The girls and I continue down the hall to our tutor room. We quickly take our seats and I check on him through the window as I tuck my chair in. From what I can see, he’s fragile, but holding in there.
‘I’ve got an idea.’ Geri pulls her bag into her lap.
She scurries through the contents and pulls out her art textiles sketchbook. She flips through the pages to a blank one and digs again for a marker pen. Pulling off the cap with her teeth, she drops her bag to the floor and begins scribbling. Robyn and I peer over her shoulder as she writes, ‘You’ve got this’ in big capital letters. She draws two exclamation points and pulls the page out with one long and loud tear.
‘Morning folks.’ Mr Powell enters the room.
‘Cover for me,’ Geri whispers as she pushes her chair backwards and falls to the floor.
Robyn and I look at each other, not knowing how exactly she wants us to cover for her crawling along the carpet and circling the back of the classroom towards the windows.
‘Did you have a nice weekend sir?’ Robyn asks Mr Powell.
He starts telling her about some fishing trip, and she pretends to be listening intently. I run my eyes to one side of my head, careful not to draw attention to Geri. I only see a few wisps of her hair bounce up over the tables. They themselves soon disappear from view. Then, her arm pops up, holding the piece of paper. Her fingers wiggle the makeshift sign into the seam of the window so it faces out into the courtyard and at Finn.
‘No way! That’s crazy!’ Robyn says to Mr Powell.
Geri’s wisps appear again as she pads her way back.
‘Geri, what are you doing?’ Jack says, noticing her.
Realising she’s been caught, Geri springs up from the floor. ‘Found it!’ she exclaims.
‘What were you looking for?’ Mr Powell asks.
‘My contact. I knew it was here somewhere.’
Geri holds out her finger, carrying an invisible contact lens back to her seat.
‘Since when have you worn contact lenses?’ Jack asks.
Robyn and I stare daggers at him to get him to shut up.
‘Urgh, since forever,’ Geri says in her best valley-girl accent.
Geri then blows on her empty finger, lifts up her eyelid and pretends to put it in, blinking it into place and making out she can see better now.
‘Um…you might’ve wanted to wash that first Geri,’ Mr Powell says, with a pulled chin and crazy eyes.
Geri hesitates for a moment, realising the whole class is now looking at her like she’s just licked the floor and said, ‘Delicious!’
‘I’m sure it’ll be fine!’ Geri says, playing it off.
‘Anyway…’ Mr Powell blinks the horror off his face and starts taking the register.
The three of us pinch ourselves under the table to stop falling into fits of giggles. In containing my smile, I look at the sign balanced in the window frame, then further to Finn. I watch him intently, waiting for him to see it.
‘Here,’ I reply to Mr Powell, still looking out the window.
Finn then glances over and does a double-take. He narrows his vision and leans in slightly to read the sign from across the courtyard. His lips unconsciously read out each word before he realises it’s a sign from us. And there it is: dimples. He looks at me and I send him a wink. If I was closer, I would’ve guessed he blushed at that.
On the timetable for Year 13, Robyn and Finn have double photography this morning, Geri has double art and I have double media. It’s good to know that he won’t be by himself this morning with Robyn there. And Geri’s just around the corner if she needs to sort someone out. I think I’d actually trust Geri looking after him, better than I could look after him myself!
My foot taps throughout Miss Morgan’s introduction to the A2 course. It stops for a few seconds each time I get a vibrating check-in from Finn. I open my course book that hides my phone and read:
Mon, Jun 10 - 10:13 PM
Finn: I’m doing ok Mister :). Zara just said some really nice things and Robyn’s keeping an eye on me. Love you xxx
Me: Really?! That’s great to hear! What did she say? Love you too xxx
Finn: She said we make a cute couple . . . xxx
Me: I knew I always liked her ;) xxx
***
I make it to our table first, closely followed by Jack and Becky. Geri, Robyn and Finn all emerge on the other side of the canteen together. As they start making their way across, I track their flight path and spot Noel and some of the lads on one of the tables along their route.
‘Oh, Jesus,’ I whisper to myself.
I watch with my exceptional vision and pray the lads don’t spot Finn walking past. Noel turns.
‘Here we go.’
‘What is it?’ Becky asks.
‘Nothing. Wait here.’ I spring from my seat.
In pacing over, I watch Noel stand to say something to Finn. The lads stop their conversations to watch. Geri slides herself in front of Finn and crosses her arms. I speed up my walk to get there as fast as I can. As I approach, Robyn grits her teeth and raises her eyebrows at me.
‘I just hope there are no hard feelings, is all,’ Noel says.
‘It’s okay Geri.’ Finn taps her shoulder to dismiss her offensive.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask, walking up to join them.
‘Yeah, Noel was just checking on me,’ Finn says.
‘Well, actually, I wanted to apologise to both of you,’ Noel says.
‘You do?’ I ask.
‘You do?!’ Robyn asks in a higher tone from behind us.
‘Yeah. What West did wasn’t okay. And I should’ve stepped in. But please know how sorry I am. How sorry we all are.’ He gestures behind him to the lads on the table.
They collectively offer sympathetic nods.
‘Wow, okay. Thank you,’ I say. ‘Where is West?’
‘I don’t know, but if he says or does anything, I’ll deal with him,’ Noel says.
‘Well Noel, thank you for your apologies. They are appreciated.’ I turn to Finn and the girls. ‘Shall we?’
The three of them nod and we make our way over to the table. Robyn loiters back and faces Noel with crossed arms. She looks him up and down before aggressively sucking her teeth at him. He smiles to himself and sits back down.
Finn takes the seat next to Becky and she instantly pulls him into her bosom. His eyes widen at the pressure with which she squeezes him.
‘Hi Becky,’ Finn says through his compressed throat.
‘She’ll tire eventually,’ Jack says.
Becky relents and allows Finn to sit up.
‘We heard what happened, and we just wanted to say, we love you so, so much!’ Becky says. ‘I know you only joined our little table gang this year, but it genuinely feels like we’ve known you for ages. With that, we wanted to get you a little present.’
She reaches down into her bag and rummages through. Finn connects eyes with me and raises his eyebrows, asking me where this is going. I shrug in reply.
‘Here.’ She hands him a small book with a metallic bow stuck to it.
‘Homosexuality for Dummies,’ Finn reads aloud. Robyn rolls her eyes from one side of me whilst Geri hangs her mouth open.
‘Do you love it?!’ Becky bobs excitedly.
‘Yeah. It’s great, thanks,’ Finn acts his heart out like a kid getting socks for Christmas.
‘And don’t worry, I checked. Instructions on how to bottom are in there,’ Jack says confidently.
Finn flips it over to read the back.
‘You don’t say?!’
He’s killing me with this. I cannot wait to use this as ammunition for the remainder of our relationship. Holy crap…I’m in a relationship! I have a boyfriend. And he’s sat there, across the table, looking as handsome as ever. Not only that, my friends all know. Woah. I watch his smile intently, studying every part of his now relaxed and happy demeanour. I planned for the worst-case scenario today…Turns out, the best happened all by itself.
He catches me staring and smiles. His shoe meets mine under the table. Without a quiver, he winks.
I think I might just be the luckiest guy alive.