Chapter 18
ASH
Ash let Ryder steer him out of the kitchen, but he stopped them before they got to the back door that led out to the pool. Instead, Ash switched directions, heading toward Eli’s office with Ryder on his heels.
Ash wasn’t ready to go back out there yet.
Out there was full of happy couples pawing at each other without fear or thought or hesitation.
There was Chase and Killian all cuddled together on their lounger, or Noah draped over Eli at every opportunity.
Even Faith and Liz, who weren’t major PDA offenders, held hands every now and again.
Ash should be able to do that. He should be sprawling over Spencer on a lounger, or wrapping Ryder’s big arm around himself. He should be able to hold both their fucking hands without anyone saying shit. Why didn’t he get to have that?
Oh, right. Because of his own damn choices. He was the one who’d insisted on secrecy. He was the one who’d wanted to draw this out without any outside voices interfering.
It had felt like the right choice at the time, hadn’t it?
Ash knew his head wasn’t exactly on straight with all these presentation hormones running through him.
And he’d thought Spencer would need time to …
acclimate. That without brothers or besties sticking their noses in, maybe he’d take the opportunity to realize there was something real and good here.
But all it seemed to have done was give Spencer time to draw away.
It had been a knot in Ash’s stomach all week, this fear that Spencer was done with them, that he wouldn’t give them any more of a chance to plead their case than any of his other hookups.
It had all seemed to be going so well, and then it just …
hadn’t been anymore. Spencer—who always jumped at the opportunity to hang with anyone—was suddenly busy. Working.
And now he was spouting all this nonsense about confusion and “too nice.”
When the hell had anyone ever accused Ash of being too nice? He was never too nice. Everyone knew that. It was Ryder who’d been fucking Spencer like he was made of spun glass.
Ash marched into Eli’s office and whirled on Ryder, but the alpha just shook his head. “I’m not your target, bright eyes.”
Ash crossed his arms with a scowl. “What was he going on about? What’s his deal?”
Ryder’s lips quirked into a small smirk. “He’s caught feelings, and he doesn’t know what to do about them. It’s time to have a real conversation, ready or not.”
Ash stared at him. Somehow that hadn’t been what he’d expected Ryder to say. “He has? Feelings? You’re sure?”
Ash couldn’t tell if that lessened his anxiety or made it that much worse.
His own emotions were all mixed up in this preheat hormonal garbage.
How was someone supposed to know how to feel when their skin was too tight and too hot all the time?
It made thinking difficult. Mostly Ash just felt …
annoyed. And sad. And a little bit horny.
Ryder pressed a cool hand to Ash’s forehead. “We should head out.”
Ash shook his head violently, dislodging Ryder’s touch. “No. Not yet.”
He knew he was being stubborn, maybe even petulant. He’d already barked at Noah for no reason. He should go home and rest like Ryder was suggesting, prepare himself for this next heat.
But Ash couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave knowing Spencer would stay behind, and then who knew when they’d get him to themselves again?
It was wrong. Ash needed to be here. With him. With them. His alphas.
He lowered his eyes, hoping Ryder wouldn’t see the feverish glint there. “You head back out. I’ll follow in a minute, get back in the pool or something.”
“You’re sure?”
Ash stood on his toes and pressed a kiss to Ryder’s lips. He didn’t miss the flash of surprise that crossed Ryder’s face at the gesture. Fuck, Ash should do this more often—kiss Ryder for no reason. He didn’t know why the hell he was always holding back with the people he wanted most.
“I’m sure.”
With one last skeptical glance, Ryder left, and Ash busied himself by poking around Eli’s bookshelves and fiddling with his knickknacks.
He didn’t know what he was waiting for exactly, but he scared the shit out of himself when he pulled back Eli’s office chair to find Eli’s cat, Deadly, on the cushion.
Deadly only gave him an unimpressed look before licking at her own paw.
“Sorry, pretty girl,” Ash cooed. He’d always liked cats. They could be unpredictable and vicious, and that deserved respect. “Just need another minute in your space.”
“She doesn’t mind. Not unless you try to move her.”
Ash turned with a start to find Eli in the office doorway. He looked … happy. Younger than his age, too, all shirtless and flushed from the sun, his dark hair damp and messy.
Ash shifted in place. He wasn’t always fully comfortable with Eli, which was his own damn fault.
Ash had acted like a jerk when they’d first met, all afraid some creepy professor was taking advantage of his too-good brother.
Eli had gotten over it before Noah, but it still gave Ash twinges of regret.
And since he didn’t usually regret being an asshole, it was an awkward feeling.
“Um. Is it okay that I’m in here?”
“Of course,” Eli stepped inside with a sheepish smile. “Sorry it’s kind of a mess.”
It wasn’t, really. It was only cluttered in the way that meant someone did real work in here. Supposedly Eli was writing a book based on his research, which was cool as hell.
Another ideal omega in Ash’s orbit, although maybe not in the way people expected.
“You doing okay?” Eli asked. “You’ve been quiet. Spencer too. Maybe I’m lacking in my hosting duties.”
Ash rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Just an off day. It’s not you.”
Eli nodded thoughtfully. Then he froze, inhaling a short breath. His cheeks flushed a brighter pink. “Um, Ash? You smell a little like … marshmallows.”
It was Ash’s turn to freeze. He’d been off and on emitting a faint scent all week, and Ryder had been dousing him up in his stronger pheromones to cover it up.
But Ash had just dipped in the pool before coming inside, and then he’d gotten all worked up with Spencer in the kitchen, and Ryder hadn’t reapplied before he’d left.
Eli held up his hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No. It’s fine.” Ash cleared his throat. He could make up a lie here, something about some omega he was dating. But it seemed shitty to lie outright to someone who’d been nothing but kind to him. “I’m … presenting. Kinda slowly and weirdly, but … yeah.”
Eli’s eyes widened. “As an omega?”
Ash nodded.
Eli beamed. “Oh, Ash. That’s amazing.”
See? Eli was fucking nice. Nice and super smart and not a total emotionally stunted mess. A perfect fit for Noah, who was also nice and smart and not a mess.
Oh fuck. What was his big brother going to say when he found out how terribly Ash had handled all this? Just like that, Ash panicked again. “You can’t tell Noah,” he blurted out.
Eli blinked brown eyes at Ash, seemingly taken aback by the command. “I can’t?”
“I’m not—I just want it to be … settled first. It’s been confusing and … emotional. And I want to figure it out on my own before I have to go all public.”
“Ah.” Eli twisted his hands as he studied Ash’s face. “But you have help, right? You’re not doing it totally alone?”
“Yeah. I have … help.”
“Okay.” Eli let out a relieved breath, although his fingers were still locked tightly. “Then, of course. My lips are sealed.”
Ash gave him a skeptical look. “Really? Just like that?”
Eli looked almost affronted by the question. “Ash, it’s your pheromones. Your presentation. I love your brother, and I think he would be a good ear here if you’d let him, but it’s your decision one hundred percent. No one should tell you otherwise.”
Something loosened in Ash’s chest, something tight and terrible that had been plaguing him for weeks.
He knew he wasn’t making the most clearheaded choices in the world, but it still felt good for someone else to acknowledge they were his fuzzy-headed choices to make.
Someone who’d been through some version of this, who knew on some level where Ash was coming from.
“Thank you.”
Eli took another breath and made a face. “But you might want to head out, or at least get another dose of Ryder’s pheromones. Otherwise, it might not stay secret for long.”
Two people now had told Ash he should get out of here.
He should. He would. He just needed another dip in the pool first, and a little time to figure out how to get Spencer to leave with them.
Liz and Faith had given Ash and Ryder a ride here, but that didn’t mean Ash and Ryder had to go back with them, right?
Ash stepped outside in a daze. The sun was blazing, hotter than it should be for October—two seconds outside and sweat was already dripping down Ash’s chest.
He shielded his eyes with one hand. Spencer was over with Chase and Killian, trying to talk them into a game of chicken, judging by the big, elaborate hand gestures he was making.
Chase looked fond—as much as anyone could tell under the shadow of his baseball cap—while Killian looked equal parts annoyed and fascinated, like Spencer was an enigma and a nightmare rolled into one.
Or maybe that was just the age difference coming into effect.
What was with these guys and dating professors?
Spencer better not try it. Ash would … he didn’t know what he’d do.
Bite him, probably. Bite every-fucking-one, just to be extra sure.
Ash’s gums almost itched just thinking about it.
His gums and his skin. God, he wanted to take these trunks off.
But no, that wasn’t—that wouldn’t be good.
What was he doing?
Right. Cooling off. That was what Ash needed to do. That was what he was going to do.
Ryder was sitting on the steps in the shallow end of the pool, chatting with Liz, but Ash needed full-body immersion. He threw his towel to the side and walked to the deep end.