Chapter 2 #2
“I was just going to sleep on the couch anyways,” I mumble through the blanket. His brows pull inward.
“Why would you do that? The couch is too small; there’s plenty of room on the bed.”
He’s right, too. Even my small frame can’t sleep on this couch comfortably, but I don’t care.
“Doesn’t it bother you? To s- sleep next to me now?” He knows what I’m talking about.
He scoffs. “It never bothered me before I knew you were gay, so why would it matter now?”
I clear my throat. “No reason. You’re right, I guess.
” I stand up and make quick work of folding the blanket.
He shakes his head and crosses the room to step outside.
Probably to smoke a cigarette. I let out a relieved sigh, as if I’ve been holding my breath this entire time.
Not even an hour alone with him and I’m exhausted.
I move across the room and my eyes catch on the folded outfit he left on the bed for me.
Warmth curls in my gut as I lift it up. I knew some of my clothes were at his mom’s house, but I didn’t realize he brought them here.
My black joggers and light pink tie-dye t-shirt.
I lift the soft fabric to my nose and inhale; they smell just like him.
A barely contained groan slips from my lips.
The bathroom smells like cleaning products and his soap. I strip down and eye myself in the mirror. I’m scrawny and thin; I have some muscle definition but not like Liam’s ripped form.
Even if he was into guys, he wouldn’t be into me. He could do way better. It fucking hurts. I always hurt.
I take an ice-cold shower as quickly as possible. When I pull back the curtain, I’m assaulted by the freezing air, so I hastily dry off and get dressed.
My lips are probably blue at this point, so I rush from the bathroom to the front door.
Liam’s sitting on the chair scrolling through his phone with the song “Everyday” by A$AP Rocky blasting through.
The air is warm and humid even though the sun’s down.
It’s dark except for the single orange, fluorescent light above us.
I wrap my arms around myself and wait for him to say something.
He lifts his dark brown eyes, surveying me from my bare feet up. A shiver runs through my body and I avert my gaze.
The way he’s sitting there with his legs spread wide makes me want to sit on the floor between them and rest my head on his thigh.
I’ve always been affectionate with my friends, but never with Liam.
He doesn’t really like anyone touching him, but he would always let me.
So, I made sure to respect his boundaries, so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable.
I don’t touch him anymore though—no hugs or anything.
It just too painful being that close to him.
“So, what’s really going on, T?” he asks, using his nickname for me.
I’ve been mulling over how I’d answer this question in my head, but nothing comes out.
He sucks his teeth and shakes his head. “What did I do?”
I rear my head back. “What? Nothing. You haven’t done anything. I’m just—”
“Just what, T. Tell me why you don’t chill with me anymore. Why you don’t call or text. You flinched when I touched your shoulder today. What the fuck’s that about?”
I rub my hands up and down my arms, holding myself tighter. Fuck. I didn’t think he noticed that. I can’t tell him the real reason. He won’t just miraculously turn gay. No, I already know how it’ll go down and it’s not good.
I need to come up with something. “I wanted to give you space, you know. After dropping the ‘I’m gay’ bomb on you, I felt like you needed it.”
It’s somewhat true. He took it well, too well.
His forehead wrinkles in confusion. “I told you it doesn’t bother me, and I wasn’t lying.” He’s getting worked up, I can tell. He grabs a cigarette, places it between his full lips and cups his hand around the tip while lighting it. My eyes catch on the thick rings adorning his fingers.
He hands me the cigarette, but when I put my hand out to grab it, he grabs my wrist, pulling me closer to him. His grip is firm, almost painful.
“Look at me,” he grits out, tone even but demanding as ever. I do. I look down into his almost black eyes, and I see pain. They’re a reflection of my own. My lip trembles one time before I pull it between my teeth, so he won’t notice.
“I do not care who you fuck or who you love, Teddy. I mean that. If you’re still my best friend—my number one fucking person—I don’t care what you do.”
His jaw is set. The intensity in every line in his face is staggering. “You’re still the same Teddy. Nothing has to change between us. You don’t get to just ghost me and not tell me why.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. There’s just so much happening at once right now, it’s hard to handle.” My eyes begin to burn, so I blink them rapidly. It’s been lonely without him.
“Well, maybe if you actually talked to me, I could’ve helped. You don’t have to deal with it all on your own.”
I do have to deal with this alone, though. This is one thing he can’t help me with. On cue, the first tear falls.
He stands up abruptly and pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly.
He’s so much bigger than me, it feels like I’m cocooned in his warmth.
I finally allow myself to relax against him again, burying my head into the base of his neck.
Just this once . I inhale his clean scent and squeeze my eyes tight.
Before he was my secret love, he was my best friend. I’ve missed that more than I realized.
I break the hug first—his touch was making me too comfortable. I’m drained and my eyes are heavy.
“Finish the cigarette and come back inside,” he tells me before heading back in.
I collapse into the plastic chair and take a deep drag.
I want to feel the smoke squeeze my lungs.
Looking across the parking lot, I notice the palm fronds are tinted with red from the neon motel sign.
They sway in the wind since we’re so close to the beach.
The city life is bustling, cars flying down the busy street, but I still feel at peace.
I stub the cigarette out in the ashtray and brace myself for what’s about to happen next.